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I would give them a gun, as a way to say sorry. Kill this fucker, they stole from you. Kill your demons, be free of their scummy fucking existence. Know that they are gone, forever.
I've often had these visions, the immense regret of how I feel before my victim. Panic and depression taking over me, I could just run away. But I always end up so emotional, so apologetic. I reassure them it's my fault, they did nothing wrong, it did or nor ever needed to happen. I would give them a gun, a knife, fucking anything for them to kill me with. I've talked about it with my close friends, my psychologist and psychiatrist. I don't want to be this way, I really really don't want to be this way.
Apius wouldn't be able to, no matter how tempting the thought would be. He only has one parent and has nowhere else to go, fearing that anything different will be even worse.
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As the months went on Laius's fantasy of his kids got deeper and stronger, requiring Apius to wear girl clothing and underwear for his pleasure. It suited him well, without really grasping the demoralizing nature of forcing his son to wear what he wanted. Apius at first was puzzled and thought it might be a one off, but like his first thoughts on the sexual arrangements it turned out to be more of a long term change. Apius didn't actually 'mind' wearing something of the opposite sex as it made him feel closer to his sister. But when his Dad gazes at him longingly it starts to feel like he isn't his son anymore. That Laius had truly started losing his mind and start seeing Alnia instead. But Apius wasn't anything like his mother, he was a boy, small, not assertive nor was he the kind to boss his Dad around. As he sat staring at his mirror wearing panties, lingerie, stockings and a skirt alongside a shirt, he couldn't recognize himself. It sunk in how horrible his situation was and how far his Dad is gone from what he knew; he wanted to cry. But he kept himself together, rubbing just under his right eye and breathing deeply to keep himself contained. Apius couldn't help but hope that someday everything will be alright. Caetia at least was happy, oblivious as always but happy. Even with Apius wearing his new 'attire' Caetia was often seeking fun from their Dad. At first Apius thought she was doing it to save him, but it was really just her loving anything that he does to her. Apius couldn't help but feel like he was wrong, that it was he that didn't understand and was the one not on in the matter like everyone else. However he won't deny that he has been given a lot because of all of this change; latest toys, videogames and consoles, clothes, a TV in his room, tons and tons of pizza. Despite all that all he really wanted was to be with his family, most importantly his Dad to no longer be sick. As he resumed his previous state lying in bed he turned to his Dad he stroked his own arms as he rested his head on the pillow to close his eyes. His thoughts were just of happy things, his Sister, Mum and Dad all together and happy. Even if it won't ever happen, he still dreamt it could. As he fell asleep once more, Laius opened his eyes and looked at his son with sad look in his eyes. Forever concerned about his son he just wanted things to be happy, much like Apius. Apius has been looking more dead in his eyes as the weeks go, some points where he just cries when he relents to do something and allow his Dad to do something to him. No matter how many hugs, kisses, promises and rewards can ever make up for everything but he was so desperate for something to just wave a magic rod and fix it. Just like in the stories Laius reads to his little girl every night.
"Would it be best, if I just died?" Laius said in a somber tone, Apius didn't react but in his chest he felt scared and cold. He didn't know how or what to answer. He stayed quiet and slightly moved to a more comfortable position.
"I think so, but I don't know. Who will look after me and Caeti?" Apius eventually responded.
"I don't know. I can only hope they do a better job than me." Laius sighed, he rubbed his eyes and groaned a little. He wanted to love this, everything he did to his kids was amazing, delicious and so much fun. But the overwhelming guilt and grief was so overpowering. He slowly pushed and pulled himself upwards to sit on the edge of the bed with his back to his son. His minded raced, strong desires for death and the fears of dying but so desperately wanting it right now. It was now or never. He pulled upon a draw and from it a gun, Apius caught sight of it and started panicking.
"Wait- NO! Stop!!" He scurried away on the bed nearly falling off in the process. "Don't kill me- don't kill yourself!" Laius wasn't expecting a reaction this strong, and reached out to Apius trying to comfort him.
"I won't I won't! Apius please calm down!"
"But you got a gun!"
"Apius breathe, breathe..." Laius rested the gun on the bed and embraced his son's head, Apius resisted a little but hugged his Dad back.
"Then what are you doing!?"
"I want you to shoot me, Apius."
"What? NO! Why would I-"
Because you deserve the right! After all I've done to you, you will wish you could kill me." Laius shoved the gun into Apius and into his hands, fighting with Apius to hold and potentially firing it.
"No! NO Dad!" Apius cried in desperation, failing to stop his Dad from shoving the gun into his hands. Laius managed to get him to get a good enough grip with a finger locked in place over the trigger, he forcefully moved Apius's hand to face his own head while pressing his forehead against the barrel. Apius kept struggling to move the gun away or to let go of the gun.
"Please shoot, kill me..." Laius begged, crying in hopelessness while Apius stared back crying a river. "After what I've done to you, you have the right to kill me. To kill your demons."
"I don't want to!!"
"Yes you do, Apius! I know deep down that you want to stop me, to end this nightmare and be free of me. You need to let go of me!" Laius's finger pressed down on his son's harder, Apius managing to stop it. The groans of desperation and fighting getting louder between the two.
"Nooo!! No-no-no-nooooooo!!!" Apius could feel the sweat on his Dad's hand and managed to slip it out of his grasp and falling off the bed. He crawled into a ball crying tucking his arms and hands in to stop his Dad from making him do it again. Laius fell back on the bed, still holding the gun. "I don't want to!!" Apius cried loudly, Laius tossed the gun away and came to Apius to pick him off the floor and carrying him.
"I'm sorry Apius, I'm so so sorry." He couldn't see anything, his eyes full of tears. Both their bodies were tense and twitching in an induced state of panic but Laius cradled Apius to try to ease it. "I won't do this to you again, I promise!" It felt like a day has passed with them holding close, the two of them had calmed down enough.
Laius got rid of the gun by calling Fidius to come over to pick it up, mentioning what happened just before. A pat on the shoulder and a playful shove Fidius expressed his gratitude that Laius was alive. Fidius didn't really see how bad Laius was and hopped he'd pass to getting over his guilt and emotions.
"Before I go Laius, I just want to say something." Fidius said walking out the front door, he half turned around and showed considerable concern.
"What is it?"
"I didn't know. I mean, I didn't know how bad you -actually- were. I thought you'd move on, then again I'm never right when it comes to those things. You know, thoughts and feelings and that crap. But I'm sorry for not knowing until now." Fidius rubbed the back of his head in a slight hesitation and indecision.
"Thanks, Fidius. I'm sorry I didn't get to be your expectation." Laius sighed in defeat.
"Whoa whoa whoa buddy. It's not like that, I'm in the wrong. I mean, of course I'm in the fucking wrong. I've joined you several times now, I don't have that level of care or sympathy or connection cause they aren't my kids. I just saw this as a rare exotic sexual experience to change you for the best. And now..." Fidius started pacing, he was actually worried. Although neither of them knew if it was for Laius and his family's wellbeing, or his guilt of being part of this. "For real now I need to visit you guys more, to help out. Not like some nanny or grandma shit but more of a 'looking after a friend I'm concerned about killing himself'. I mean, people will find out- about what's going on, my and our involvement." Laius nodded back, although he was just caught off guard by Fidius's worries.
"Well, all three of you would lose everything much like myself so I guess that's a reasonable argument."
"Yeah! So please mate," Fidius grabbed Laius by the shoulder firmly and shook him trying to reassure him. "Don't let that shit happen ever, call us! I don't care if I'm rooting, drinking or working mate I'll come down to you. I'll just say I'm checking on a friend who's at risk. It will be suspicious as hell but even if they snoop on me they'll notice I'm visiting a friend whose still grieving. How does that sound?" Laius felt warm inside knowing that Fidius was concerned and caring, it's not like it wasn't him. But this was a nice different side of him. So he nodded and smiled slightly in return,
"It won't be for sex."
"Yeah of course, that -will- get me caught." Fidius let go of Laius's shoulder and took a deep breath.
"Can I ask for something?"
"Sure bud, what is it?"
"Could you order some delivery fast food for us?"
"Mate I'll fucking deliver it!" Fidius laughed loudly and patted Laius with notable force, causing some people in the distance look towards them. "Now I know you are going to tell the other two about me being weird or different, so I'm going to do it first to avoid any embarrassment. Now you look after yourself!" Fidius smiled and walked away leaving Laius shaken with a slight smile. Laius went back inside, closed the door and went to the living room with Apius and Caetia playing some video games together. As he sat down Apius looked up at his Dad,
"Is it gone?"
"Yes... it was hard to do but, it's gone." Laius sighed, "Oh and Fidius will be back with some fast food."
"Cooooooool!" Caetia celebrated throwing her hands in the air dropping her controller in the process. "What kind?"
"I honestly have no idea. We'll just have to wait and see."
"Is it really gone?" Apius remarked not believing his Dad.
"It is. I'll miss it, I really will." He paused, swallowed saliva and sighed heavily. "It was your mother's gun. I-I... Daddy shouldn't have been playing with it, it was to defend us from intruders. I'll never see it again."
"Are you ok Daddy?" Caetia got up and hugged right leg looking up at him in sadness.
"I should be." He smiled back, rubbing to top of her head. The two smiled to each other with Apius still playing his game, he was too paranoid to believe him. Caetia sat down next to her brother with her controller firmly in her hands.
"Sorry Api, I wanted to hug Daddy."
"It's fine, come on I've cleared the way."
"Thanks for waiting Api!" Laius watched as his kids played and chatted before him, he wanted to feel happy. But letting go of that gun, a chance of escaping reality as well as his wife's belongings was just too much for him. He cried silently with half a smile as his kids babbled in front of him, laughing together.
He remembered the day she gave it to him, when she got into the Body Guard and Security services. He was concerned that criminals would track her down to him and their kids.
"Hey, HEY! Calm down I got you covered. There's a gun in the second top draw, under your underwear."
"What??"
"I put it there because it's closer to where you need to grab it in an emergency. Now calm down, remember your training and you'll be fine."
"Easier said then done you know."
"Hey, relax Laius. You got this, whenever that situation happens you got it. Someone has to defend our kids when I'm out, it has to be you and there's no one else I'd trust more than you."
"Ok ok..."
"Now would you stop being overly worried about nothing. Chill. Just promise me you will show whose boss with it when the time comes."
"I will."
"Good."
"Love you."
"I Love you too." Her voice in his head was so clear, it was excruciating how real it felt in the present reality. The image of her handing the gun over and firmly holding it in his hands was too real. He snapped out of it half an hour later when Fidius coming back knocking and shouting at the front door with take away chicken and chips. They all sat eating together, Caetia putting chip by chip into everyone's mouth with Apius chowing down on chicken legs. Laius did his best to keep a cheery face despite feeling utterly broken inside, he looked at Apius and figured he was doing the same. This was hell, but they still have each other.
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I really needed this picture.