This is a condensed parody of the official release, support Game Freak!

(starts at Wyndon Stadium) 

Elle: Hello, I'm the new chairperson. The Gym Challenge starts in two weeks!
Turner: Quite.
Zander: Hope no one sees me all the way up here.
Turner: Who's that all the way up there?

-

Zander: Coffee, please.
Richard: Coming right up! Sophia, make some coffee!
Sophia: On it, boss!
Zander: Don't know why I'm getting coffee at this hour. Doesn't make a lot of sense, but I gotta stand by it.

(gulps)

Zander/Sophia: Done!
Sophia: I'm going home.
Zander: I'm headed to the Wild Area.

(train ride)

Zander: And here I am at the Wild Are- oh, there goes the crash. Oof.

(dream)

Zander: Where are my pants?
Zacian: I'm Zacian.
Zamazenta: I'm Zamazenta.
Zander: Wait, I remember you!

Zander: Can you help us?
(RARF!!)
Zander: (colored) Augh! This will never come out!

Zander: It still hasn't.
Zacian: Listen, you were chosen to help Galar in its time of need.
Zamazenta: The region is about to be thrown into a crisis opposite of the Darkest Day.
Zander: Does it have a name?
Zacian: Probably not.
Zamazenta: First you have to wake up.

(wakes up)

Zander: Whu.. I don't remember rain in the forecast.
Zander: AH WHAT ARE THOSE!
Zander: AH HOW DID I DO THAT!
Zander: AH WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!

(brief monster fight)

Zander: Whew, glad that's over. Wait, what happened to my new things? Oh well, probably more where those came from.

-

Elle: Good, the Dynamiasmas worked a little. Now let's go to the Isle of Armor for some Max Mushroom picking!
Turner: Will we find a use for them?
Elle: Probably not.

-

Zander: Time to get to the Isle of Armor so I can join the Challenge! But first I'll need a yellow card.
???: Here's one!

(train ride)

Zander: Oh, look, it's the coffee girl from last time. What brings you here?
Sophia: Short answer, delivery. Long answer, my presence in this story is an attempt to generate a female fanbase.
Zander: Will it?
Sophia: Probably not.

Klara: Welcome to the Isle of Armor! We're the rival characters!
Avery: We're together because both versions are just the same game with some minor tweaks, and this is to overlap them.
Both: Double Battle time!
Zander/Sophia: Nope. (leaves)
Klara/Avery: Get back he- wait, who are those two?

Zander: Made it!
Sophia: Here's your coffee pump, ma'am. Use it in good health!
Honey: Probably not.
Zander: Now, then-

(door opens)

Klara: Our Pokemon were swept by a Dynamiasma!
Zander: That's what they're called!?
Avery: Too thirsty, need Fresh Water.
Zander: Fine, I'll get after it.

(brief monster fight)

Zander: Boom. Done.
Mustard: Hello, I was playing Pokemon Quest. What'd I miss?
Zander: I'd like to be endorsed, please.
Mustard: Alright, let's see what you got.

(MUSTARD wants to battle!)

Zander: Yay! I won!
Mustard: Here's your papers.
Zander: Okay, bye-ee!
Klara: If I never see another one like him, it'll be too soon.
Avery: I concur.

-

Desk guy: Welcome to Motostoke, our Gym Leader types this year are right outside. You're now registered, enjoy the hotel.
Zander: Will do! (wink)

-

Zander: Okay, status update: I'm registered and ready to collect badges.
Zacian: Good. Now you'll be visited by seven Power Ranger knockoffs who'll give you things.
Zamazenta: And now it's tomorrow. Wake up.

Zander: Awake!
Desk guy: Here's your uniform.
Zander: Cash.
Elle: Welcome to the opening ceremony, everyone. Here are your new Gym Leaders, most are based on tokenism. Enjoy!

Zander: Well, that was fun.
Elle: Here, a brand new phone for you for no particular reason.
Zander: Cool.
Turner: Now we must go.
Zander: No time to dwell on filler!

-

Zander: Here I am at Turffield!
Annie: Have you seen my Joltik?
Zander: Is that it?
Annie: Thank you! See you inside!
Sophia: Hi, Zander.
Zander: Hi, Sophia.
Sophia: Bye, Zander.
Zander: Bye, Sophia.

(Gym Battle 1)

Zander: Got me a badge. Time to get more badges!
Klara: Not until you pay for denying my Double- ow.
Zander: Where's the Gym Leader?
Selene: Here I am!

(Gym Battle 2)

Zander: Got another badge!
Turner: Want some lunch? We're buying.
Zander: Sure.
Elle: And here are our League Cards.
Zander: Any chance I might happen upon your rare ones?
Turner: Probably not.

Zander: What are you doing in this cave?
Raphael: I was just heading back.
Zander: Now we're back in Motostoke!

(Gym Battle 3)

Zander: Got enough badges to cross the bridge. Bye for now, Motostoke!
Zander: What? More Dynamiasmas?

(brief monster fight)

Zander: Oh, look, a Snorlax. Wanna be part of my team, as well as my new bed?
Serta: Snor.
Zander: I'm not hearing an objection!

(Kabigon Get!)

Guard: You have the badges, enter the dragon.
Dragon: Gulp.
Zander: Hello again, Elle!
Elle: I used to have the traits of a Professor.
Zander: ...Oh.
Cona: Welcome to the Hammerlocke vault. Please touch nothing but the floor and the air.
Zander: Is there a point to seeing what's inside?
Cona: Probably not.

Zander: Off to the next one!
Avery: Pay me no mind, I'm just off to have words with my brother!
Zander: Okay? Somehow, I feel like I just got spoiled.
Sophia: Hi, Zander.
Zander: Hi, Sophia.
Sophia: Bye, Zander.
Zander: Bye, Sophia.

(Gym Battle 4)

???: Zander? Before you go, two Gym Leaders would like to show you something.
Zander: Can I go yet?
Basil: Not yet.
Zander: Can I go yet?
Annie: Not yet.
Zander: Can I go yet?
Basil/Annie: Yes.

Zander: Ah, Glimwood Tangle! Perfect place for a nap with Serta.
Zander: (yawn) Wonder if this'll become a trend...

-

Zander: Nap's over! Now I'm in Ballonlea!
Avery: Out of the way.
Zander: I take it the talk didn't go well.

(Gym Battle 5)

Zander: Now to go back out the way I came in.
Monty: I can help! Instant Transmission!

(pop)

(pop)

Monty: We're here! Hi, Avery!
Avery: You're not my brother anymore.
Zander: Okay, I'm gone.

Snover: Sno!

(Yukikaburi Get!)

Zander: Team's full!
Sophia: Hi, Zander.
Zander: Hi, Sophia.
Sophia: I live here.
Zander: Bye, So- wait, what now?

(Gym Battle 6)

Zander: Thanks for dinner, now I'm off to the hotel, terms of service, and goodnight!

-

Zander: Now I'm up and ready for the next gym.
Sophia: Can I come with?
Zander: Sure, but I don't have a bike. Is that gonna be an issue?
Sophia: Probably not.

-

Zander: Now we're in Spikemuth... and it's chrome-level clean! Sophia, wait here and do not do ANYTHING. Until I get back.
Sophia: (nods)
Zander: Good!

(Gym Battle 7)

Zander: Only one more badge to get. Back to Hammerlocke!
Sophia: Right behind you-
Zander: But you stay in the stands.
Sophia: Fair enough.

(Gym Battle 8)

Zander: Got all the badges!
Sophia: Wanna get some coffee to celebrate?
Zander: Sure... platonically. Terms of service.
Sophia: I know.
Zander: But there's no time for that now, because there's more Dynamiasmas about! I'll be right back.

(less brief monster fight)

Zander: I'll take that coffee now.
Sophia: Should we be worried about the dust clouds?
Zander: Probably not. Now let's go to Wyndon!

(train ride)

Zander: Let's ride the ferris wheel! Platonically.
Sophia: Right, terms of service.

(ferris wheel ride)

Zander: Well, that was fun. I'm gonna grab a canned beverage.
Sophia: And I'm checking into a hotel room. Remember, terms of service.
Zander: Now you're getting it!
Sophia: Just keep walking, Sophie. This is to expand the writer's fan market.

-

Turner: Miss Elle, all the Dynamiasmas you created thus far have been destroyed. What should we do?
Elle: Let Dan take the wheel! Or, should I say, bottle? No one will ever suspect!
Turner: You think so?
Elle: Probably not.

-

Zander: Cup time!
Sophia: 4 more hours, please...
Zander: And now I'm at the- who are you guys?
Maizie: Introductions!

Level Red!
Lure Blue!
Friend Green!
Moon Yellow!
Love Pink!
Heavy Black!
Fast White!

All: And together we are... The Apricorn Rangers!
Zander: What was the point of all that?
Maizie: For Celebi to come to you...
Celebi: Bi!
Zander: Yay!
Maizie: And send you back in time!
Zander: NOOOOO-

(whoosh!)

-

(whoosh!)

Zander: -OOOOO!!!
Zander: What am I doing here!? I gotta get back to the Champion's Cup!
Celebi: Bi?
Zander: No!
Celebi: Bi?
Zander: No!!
Celebi: Bi?
Zander: That's it! Getting out of it! Cabbie! Get me back to the Cup!
Cabbie: Abso-
Zander: JUST DRIVE!!!

(flight)

Zander: Oh, I'm not gonna make it! I'm not gonna make it! I'm not gonna make it-
Desk guy: Too late.
Zander: (whimper) I didn't make it.
Sophia: Hey, Zander, I made it!
Zander: But I didn't. Guess I'll have to pass the time by training... on the Isle of Armor.
Sophia: Okay, maybe expanding our fanbase isn't worth it. I'm out.

(train ride)

Zander: I'm back!
Mustard: Oh, hello, Zander. Say hi to my newest student.
Wufu: Klara and Avery were banished from the Isle because of me.
Zander: Thanks for that.
Honey: Double Battle time!

(You are challenged by Dojo Couple Honey and Mustard!)

Wufu: Yay! We won!
Zander: Attempt at adorable wordplay.
Hyde: Mom, Dad, the Power Spot's dead!
Zander: OH NO! Wanna come with me to fix it?
Wufu: Sure.
Zander: Great! We can meet the current Gym Leaders and beat more Dynamiasmas!
Wufu: What're those?
Zander: No time to explain!

(series of brief monster fights)

Zander: That's the last one for now!
Parcel: Hey guys, I was the cabbie all along. Wanna head back to Wyndon?
Zander/Wufu: Sure!

Parcel: Here you go!
Wufu: And now I'm gonna check us into the hotel. See you inside!
Zander: Here I am!
Wufu: (opens door) Hey, I was in the bathroom. Now it's your turn.
Zander: Thanks.
Wufu: I'll be on the bed.
Zander: Done! Now I'm sleepy.
Zander/Wufu: Two guys can hug...

-

Announcer: Will there be a new Champion this year? Probably not!
Dan: Sorry for intruding, but now all MY Dynamiasmas are destroyed!
Elle: That's okay, I'll summon the last one tomorrow. And you can keep your job.
Turner: Now, please leave.

-

(dream world)

Zander: Hey, I'm back.
Wufu: Where are our pants?
Both Urshifu: Did you stop the crisis yet?
Wufu: No.
Zacian/Zamazenta: Do you need help?
Zander: Yes.
All 4 Pokemon: We'll see what we can do. Now, wake up!

-

Zander: To Wyndon Stadium!
Wufu: Two tickets, please.
Announcer: Welcome to the finals, here's our first match!

(Round 1: Annie vs. Parcel)

Announcer: Annie wins!
Parcel: Good game.
Annie: Same to you.
Elle: NO! YOU JERK!
Parcel: Uh-oh, DiCapri-
Dynamiasma: CAW!
Zander/Wufu: There's the last one!

(last brief monster fight)

Zander: That's all 18 types!
Wufu: You're out of ammo, lady!
Elle: Oh, I know, but now that they're all destroyed, we can begin Phase 2!
Turner: (snaps fingers) Now, get them out of here.
Zander/Wufu: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....t!

-

Zander: Now we really DO need help. Let's go to the Crown Tundra to get it!
Wufu: Alright, but we'll need a green card.
???: Here's one!

(train ride)

Zander: We're here!
Wufu: But it's too cold!
Zander: I know who can help with that!

Sophia: Decided to give the female demographic another shot?
Zander: ...Yes.
Sophia: Alright, count me back in!
Wufu: Let's go!
Peony: I'm a tour guide in this story- (as Calyrex) as well as my medium. (as himself) Follow me!

Wufu: This place is boring.
Zander: Wait, who's that singing?
Calvin: Amazing grace, how- AH!
Zander: Aw man, we jumped the gun!
Sophia: Let's bring him along, anyway. He's cute~
Zander/Wufu: TERMS OF SERVICE!!!
Peony: Wait, what's this? A torn-out page of a player's guide? Says, "Grow carrots, feed horses, and make a lanyard."
Calvin: We can do that. I'm practically a blip anyway.

(Calyrex quest rehash)

All: Done!
Peony: (as Calyrex) Wanna see something cool?
Calvin: Sure, why not?

(catharsis)

Calvin: I have the power of 3 legends now!
Calyrex: Sup... and later.

-

Elle: Hello, we're here at the Crown Tundra now. Let us pass.
Zander/Wufu/Calvin: No!
Elle: Okay.
Zander: That was too easy.
Wufu: But now we can go to Eternal Island and shut down her plan!
Calvin: What about-
Sophia: NO! Enough of that! Now listen up! You three have been cucking my development since I got here! Saw me as nothing more than a coffee girl! I'm here to break ground and open your world to new ideas, but if you'd rather stay stuck in your faggy niche demographic, just say the word and you'll never see me again!
Zander/Wufu/Calvin: We'd rather stay in our faggy niche demographic.
Sophia: Fine! Goodbye forever!

-

Sophia: Who needs boys, anywa-

(PUNG!)

Sophia: AUGH!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, TERMS OF SERVICE!? I'VE BEEN RENDERED STERILE BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

-

Wufu: Okay... that happened.
Zander: Back to the matter at hand, then.
Calvin: Shut up, boys, get on my horses!

-

Calvin: We found Eternal Island!
MC Grunt: Drat! We've been spotted! Better do the thing to get rid of those intruders.

-

Wufu: Oh no! It's too strong for us!
Zander: Everyone! Jump headfirst into certain death!

(knockdown dragout boss battle)

MC Grunt: Welp, we're pulp.

-

Calvin: How'd we get in the Wild Area?
Zander: That doesn't matter, because we're on the homestretch!
Wufu: Right! Let's go to Rose Tower!

-

Zander/Wufu/Calvin: We're here!
Turner: I must respectfully ask that you le- ow.
MC Grunts: This is to save our sources of inco- ow.
Elle: Behold the powers of my Regalia collectio- ow.
Zander: Now then, any last words before you're shut down forever?
Elle: I was a guy the whole time. You just didn't know it. And now you'll never un-know it.

(shocked silence)

Elliot: AUGH! ASS!
Zander/Wufu/Calvin: (dry-heaving)

-

Calvin: Wow. I wonder what's next for us?
Wufu: We peaked.
Calvin: Huh?
Wufu: It's over.
Calvin: You can't be serious! After all that!?
Wufu: Yeah, sorry.
Calvin: But... but we're still gonna be neighbors, aren't we?
Wufu: Yeah, but... no.
Calvin: Oh.

-

Leon: By the way, I was never locked up in this version.

-

~Galarian Days!~

Salmy: ...This guy has how many watchers?