The alarm clock went off rather loudly that particular morning. With a grumble, a yellow-scaled hand smashed it into pieces on the nightstand, before its owner slowly pulled himself out of bed. He rubbed his crimson eye with a lethargic hand, before slowly essentially rolling out of bed.
Unlike usual routine, Kamek was not there to repair the alarm clock. But of course, Bowser knew why: he had set his alarm clock much earlier than usual: likely he would be asleep at this hour. Still, he was not worried: Bowser knew Kamek to be many things, and one thing he knew him to be was meticulous, and as such he knew he would get to it eventually. So he let it be as he pushed himself up.
Then there was the matter of the kids. He knew the kids would be asleep upstairs at this hour: Bowser, king of the Koopas, wondered how long it would take them to wake up. Of course, he was not about to set off without saying goodbye, but on a morning like this he’d only have so much time to set off, especially if he wanted to do so inconspicuously. He wondered if they were up already: the sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and soon it would be bright everywhere.
The Koopa king sighed: he at least figured he should get his suitcase packed into the RV. If he was to set off in the morning, he would have to do so soon. And so, he reached for his suitcase, before trudging out, making his way down the halls of his castle as he made his way to the secret garage.
Oh yes, he had a secret garage: what self-respecting king did not? The only other one who knew about its existence was Kamek; he was surprised that, in all his adventures, Mario had never once managed to stumble into the place. The mustachioed plumber had found practically every other entrance into the castle every time he’d come in, and he could still remember that time Luigi exploited the shortcut in one of the go-kart circuits he’d built that somehow landed him atop the parapets, but the garage had gone undiscovered until this time.
The Koopa king smiled to himself as he neared the wall, pressing the exact brick in the castle that opened the way to the secret garage. The wall pulled up, and there it was: the darkness of the garage. It was rather small, all told: perhaps that was why it had remained so hidden. It was just the RV, none of the usual Koopa clown car stuff, and there was barely enough space to maneuver throughout it. It would just take a second to put the suitcase in.
Yeah, that was all it would take, was Bowser’s thought as he flicked on the light switch.
“Daddy!”
Before Bowser could take stock of anything, he was tackled to the floor by the weight of all eight of his children jumping on him. He let out a loud grunt, and soon he felt eight pairs of arms patting him all over. When Bowser looked up, he gasped, his jaw dropping to the ground.
“What did you kids do to my RV!?”
For there, on the front of the RV, the kids had painted a clown face right on the front of the car. Suddenly, the RV was no longer an anonymous RV, but the Koopa Clown RV. Bowser’s jaw quivered in shock, before he turned to his kids, who by this point had all jumped off and looked to the car.
Roy Koopa was the first to peel off: the large, pink-headed turtle crossed his arms, looking at his dad. “Whadya think?” he asked.
“We just wanted to send you off!” added Wendy Koopa: Bowser’s only daughter stood behind Roy slightly, her lips puckering from the heavy make-up she applied to it. “Why didn’t you tell us about this place, anyway?”
“Yeah!” Lemmy Koopa hopped onto a nearby box, standing just behind his brother as he looked around. “This place is cool, you totally should have told us earlier.”
And then, Bowser blinked. It was only then the obvious part occurred to him.
“Wait… how!?” he asked. He glanced back to the door, looking back at the way in, before looking back at his children. “Not even Mario found this place!”
“Oh, Ludwig found it when he checked the blueprints for where you’d keep an RV!” Iggy Koopa jumped up, his green hair shooting right up as he did. “Thought we’d give you a little fun thing before you go off on your trip!”
Bowser exhaled, rubbing the space above his eyes and giving a rather long sigh. He then gestured to the RV, shaking his head. “It’s a secret RV in a secret garage in a place not even Mario knows about!” Bowser replied. “Why would people think this is not me?”
It was then Ludwig Koopa turned, crossing his arms and brushing some of his blue hair out of the way. “Have you not seen clown RVs before?” he asked.
Bowser opened his mouth to retort, but as soon as he did, it died on his lips. He paused, looking at his children and seeing the bright smiles on their faces and the paint that still stuck to their hands and faces. He wanted to be angry at them, after all: he knew that people in these parts often associated clown faces with him. But he also supposed that, if he were to show himself (which he inevitably would, if he wanted to explore anything outside the RV), then it would be difficult to hide an imposing Koopa, particularly when nobody else he knew of shared his shape. He’d be given away anyhow.
And so, Bowser exhaled, taking a look at it. “No,” he said. “I guess it is a little cute, though.”
“Yay! I told you guys he’d like it!”
That was when his youngest, Bowser Jr., jumped onto Bowser’s shoulder. And here, Bowser could not help but smile back: there was something about the twinkle in the precocious young koopa’s eyes that Bowser could not get enough of. Any thoughts Bowser had to protest melted away in that moment, and he reached up, patting Jr. on the head.
“Indeed I do, kid,” he said. He then exhaled, smiling down at the rest of his children. “Well, I was hoping to put my suitcase in and wake you kids up, but since you’re already up, that makes things easy.”
Morton Koopa smiled, the darker-colored Koopa leaning closer. “There ya go, see?” he said. “Told ya he wouldn’t leave without sayin’ goodbye!”
“Of course not,” Bowser replied. He then held his arms out. “Now get over here!”
And with this, all of his children piled in close, practically jumping into the largest group hug Bowser could give. The Koopa King smiled: even despite everything else that he would be getting away from for a little bit, his kids would be the one thing he’d miss. And so, he hugged them close, patting them on the head as they all reeled in.
“Don’t be too mean to Kamek, OK?” he asked. “He’s got a lot on his plate now with you eight.”
And Bowser Jr. smiled, holding himself close to his father. “Don’t worry, papa,” he said. “We won’t cause too many problems.  Just enough that he won’t yell at us.”
And Bowser smiled. “That’s my boy.”
He held this group hug longer, feeling each of his children move within it and soaking in the feeling. It would be the last time he would for about two weeks.
He only wished he hadn’t needed to time his road trip then…
----**----
Bowser set out shortly afterwards, driving the RV out towards the edge of the lava moat surrounding his castle. There really wasn’t much to see just outside his castle apart from the familiar lava flows, and even fewer people to meet: nobody ever dared venture near it, although this worked just fine by Bowser. Normally this would be a point of pride, but he wondered why, exactly, his lands had so many lava flows.
Oh, he knew the reason perfectly well: the hot climate was suited to the koopas. As naturally heat resistant reptiles, they needed the warmth to keep up with literally anything, so it made an ideal place to live. But Peach, she…
She always hated it. And now, Bowser was not sure how to handle it.
It was thus that he drove along, before pausing: he realized pretty quickly that he was getting tired of just driving in what was essentially a straight line. And so, as the lava flows began to give way to scorching hot desert, he decided he needed to give his foot a small break.
“OK,” he said, putting the RV on cruise control and standing up from the RV’s seat and stepping towards the back. “Let’s just rest my feet for a second…”
Bowser thus exhaled, walking towards the back and taking a seat at the table. He then looked outside, exhaling as he watched the scenery go by. There were still lava flows, and he realized that there was one rather close to where the road was.
But Bowser exhaled, relaxing into his seat as the RV moved along. There was something relaxing about watching the lava flow within its channels. Sure, it was always annoyingly hot, but the way the lava bubbled up from the heat, and the bright orange that would result from this flare-up was something Bowser had always found aesthetically pleasing. There was the way the little flecks of lava would also turn black as the superheated rock met the cooler air: it was quite a sight to see from up close, and Bowser liked it whenever he was close to it.
His gaze turned out from beyond the flow right by the road, to the various rivers. He also saw the edge of the desert many, many miles away: it was always quite dry, but the there was a certain peacefulness to this kind of scenery that Bowser enjoyed. And he sure was enjoying it here in the RV, more so than he usually did in the clown car.
After all, clown cars were hard to navigate: here, he could sit back and actually pay attention.
After a while, though, Bowser frowned, noticing that the road began to curve ever so slightly. However, the RV ignored this curve of the road. It was not a pressing issue, for the curve was long and Bowser knew it would go on for miles. But it was at the very least quite concerning, and Bowser leaned over: the driver would have to get back on soon.
“Hey! Watch the road!” he shouted. “We don’t want to fry to death, do we?”
Normally, he would have heard a shout back. But instead, Bowser heard silence. The king of the Koopas paused, frowning: who would dare have the audacity to disrespect him right there to not only ignore him, but flaunt him with silence?
Thus, Bowser stood up. “Hey, what did I tell you?” He stomped over to the driver’s seat, his frown intensifying. “I thought I—"
And then, he turned to driver’s seat to find nobody was manning the RV. It was exactly as he had left it, with cruise control still on, and again, being driven by thin air. Bowser blinked as he looked over, frowning as he wondered why nobody had taken the wheel.
After a second, Bowser did a double take: of course nobody was there, there was nobody else but him!
With this realization, Bowser jumped back into the driver’s seat, turning the RV to the right to avoid a very close brush with a lava flow. He inhaled sharply as soon as he did this, slowly pressing his foot on the brake and coming to a stop shortly after. He took a second to digest what had just happened: why on earth did he think he had any henchmen with him at that moment? That was such a stupid thought, that someone would take the wheel when there was nobody else.
“What was I thinking?”
After saying this out loud, Bowser took a second to look at the RV around him, peeking around at the compartments and doors to make sure nobody had seen that. There were no other eyes in the vehicle: he of course knew this, but for a second he had a small fear of somebody seeing such an embarrassing thing. I mean, what would anyone say if they saw he had done that almost immediately after leaving the castle?
But his eyes glanced over the RV’s interior one last time. Satisfied that nobody else was there, Bowser exhaled, shaking his head. “And that is one thing I am never telling the kids.”
With this, he put his foot back on the accelerator, consciously reminding himself to keep that foot on the accelerator until he stopped for the night.
----**----
Day two went on with no real incident; the most that happened was that he finally passed the lava flows close to his home. He realized faintly that he must have crossed a border somewhere, for then the landscape changed around him. Of course, this border was not one shared with the Mushroom Kingdom: that was to the south, and he’d deliberately gone to the north. He knew that the north side of his kingdom was full of small towns and nothing but small towns, and he’d never minded it before. In fact, he had never minded it so hard he had not ventured to this part of his kingdom very often.
What better time to change that than then, the king thought?
And so, he continued on his journey, passing the start of hilled desert as he noticed the gas needle slowly start to move closer to the empty side of the meter.
It was thus that he pulled into the gas station late in the day. He inhaled, pulling the RV in. He instinctively ducked down, but the top of the RV cleared the ceiling of the gas station, and so he pulled in with no problem whatsoever.
As he stepped out, he exhaled, breathing in the cooler air. The king of the Koopas could not lie: he actually rather liked it when he ventured away from his volcanic home. Sure, he was most active inside it, but he also rather liked the change of scenery, especially when the air got crisp the way it did in cooler environments. He wondered just how far north he had gone for this to happen, but he was not going to question it now.
And so, he pulled on the pump, tapping the nozzle gently before inserting it into his RV. It was quick to get payment, and then he wondered how on Earth the prices had gone so low. He could not remember there being easy access to gas all this way, since they had to go through—
“And I said, get!”
Bowser blinked, the king turning towards the gas station’s convenience store, where he saw a rather large person get kicked straight out. It was a literal kick, of course, and Bowser watched as the stranger bounced up, and he had just landed on the ground when the door slammed behind him. The Koopa King frowned, tilting his head to the side as he stepped to the side.
The kick-ee stood up, his green shell absorbing the light and not letting any bounce off. The Koopa King frowned, before looking around: he saw no other vehicles around the station, and when he looked he saw the store owner still there. He was not certain how the green-shelled Koopa had gotten there, but something about this stranger intrigued the monarch in a way he hadn’t been intrigued in a while.
And so, he stepped around the pump, crossing his arms as he looked down, and immediately saw how young this koopa looked. He could not have been any older than his own Jr., maybe about eight or so if he could venture a guess. He seemed almost quiet, and the king found himself crossing his arms.
“Well, what’s a small kid like you doing all the way here, huh?”
The small koopa immediately turned, looking up at the imposing king of the Koopas. If the kid recognized him as his monarch, the kid made no indication of it, instead standing up and brushing some dust off of his shell. “What does it look like, you old fuck?” he asked.
Bowser immediately felt a flash of offense cross his entire body. “Language, young man!” he roared.
“What-fucking-ever,” the kid replied, shaking his head. “You’re not my daddy, old man, and you’re not gonna be my daddy any time soon!”
“Well, then where is your daddy, little kid?” asked Bowser. He gestured around him. “Because I don’t see any damn cars around here.”
“You tell me, you old fart!” the kid replied. He crossed his arms, glancing away. “Not like you care anyway.”
Bowser chuckled at this, leaning towards him. “And you really think that’s gonna stop me, kid?” he asked. “In case you didn’t notice, don’t think I didn’t catch that you walked all the way here from… from…” He paused, frowning as he looked around him. “Where did you come from, anyway?”
“A long while,” the kid replied. “The fuck’s it mean to you?”
Bowser frowned, wagging his finger in front of the kid’s face. “Kid, don’t make me start with the language thing.” He shook his head. “What would your mother think of that?”
“My real mom doesn’t give a fuck! And you’re not my real mom, so you can go fuck yourself if you think you can just speak for her like that!”
And at this slight, Bowser, rose his eyebrows, looking right at this kid with some degree of shock. He could not see what else was on this kid’s mind, except that he was being a brat to him and had probably been a brat to the shopkeeper.
He thus turned back to the road, thinking about where this kid could possibly have come from. Of course he was not from anywhere back where he’d come from, otherwise he would have found the kid along the way at some point. There was also only one direction he could have come from, considering the gas station was in the middle of nowhere apart from the two-lane road it was on. Thus, that left one possibility, and it was in the direction he was heading in anyway.
The king of the Koopas thus growled, before picking the kid up by the arm. “Well, let’s see what your mother thinks when she hears that, huh?” he said. He then stomped over to his RV, pulling out the nozzle as soon as he saw it was done with the filling.
Despite all the force behind his actions, the kid simply gave Bowser a raspberry, crossing his arms as he did so. “Go ahead, shitface,” the kid replied, crossing his arms. “See how much I give a fuck!”
Bowser reared back, taken aback by how nonchalantly the kid regarded this. “You’re really not gonna—”
“What the fuck ever, just get it fuckin’ over with already,” the kid replied.
Bowser blinked, entirely unsure what to make of this kid treating a literal kidnapping so nonchalantly. Nevertheless, he did not look this gift horse too hard in the mouth: a second later, he gently threw the kid into the RV, paid for the gas, and went on his merry way.
It was only when he had hopped into the driver’s seat that he realized he did not even know where this kid lived, nevermind who he was. But with the kid already knocked unconscious in the table seat, he could not afford to ask, and so he went on his merry way, pulling out of the gas station and driving along before the gas station owner could call any authorities to chase their own king.
----**----
The trip away from the gas station was far more quiet than Bowser would have expected. He expected this kid to be like her the second he had tossed him into the RV, but the kid basically sat at the RV’s dining table, legs on the table as he looked to the side. Strangely, the kid had stopped sulking about half a mile away from the gas pump, and now he sort of just looked bored.
The effect was a little unsettling for the imposing monarch: what all was he supposed to do with this?
Nevertheless, Bowser kept driving. They had driven about two more hours when Bowser had taken a second to park his RV: he really needed to use the bathroom, and so he paused, stepping out of the driver’s seat and looking down to see that kid still glancing out the window.
Finally, Bowser exhaled, shaking his head. “You could at least scream a little bit!” he said.
But the kid shrugged. “Nah,” he said. “Not like anybody would hear me, anyway.”
Bowser opened his mouth to retort, but paused: the kid had a point, at least. He was still in the middle of nowhere, and the screams would only carry so far in the RV. As he realized this, he sighed, shaking his head.
“Well, do you wanna play some video games, at least?” the Koopa King replied.
“On your old grampa consoles?” the kid asked, eyeing where the console cabinet was under the TV. “No thanks, old man.”
Bowser flared up in annoyance, the red tuft of hair on his head standing directly up. “Excuse me!?” he asked. “The Commodore was a great console, thank you!” He then moved towards the console dock, pulling his Switch out from its dock and waving it in the air. “And anyway, did you not see this in the back?”
The kid looked up, and his eyes widened a little bit. “Oh,” he said. He glanced to the side. “Didn’t see it behind all those fucking bricks.”
“Why, you—”
“Boy?” The Koopa shrugged. “I know, I know, not all of us can be old fucks like you. And besides, I’m not wrong, those things all look like bricks.”
The Koopa King frowned, but this flash of impatience went away almost as fast as it came in. In a way, Bowser had to admit the kid had a point: they were indeed old consoles, and their blocky shape did not help much.
“…they do also weigh as much as a brick,” the King added. Bowser exhaled, before placing the Switch on the table there. “I dunno. This whole thing’s just… weird.”
“Why?” the kid asked. “Did you want me to scream like some kind of kidnapped princess?”
Bowser felt the comment sting: his annoyance faded away instantly, replaced by a rather intense kind of sadness that he could not really name. All he could do was exhale quietly, before shaking his head.
“I dunno,” he said. “Just… I thought you’d put up more of a fight.” He glanced to the side. “It’s what you’re supposed to do in a kidnapping.”
The kid shrugged. “Can’t fuckin’ help you there, Gramps,” he replied. “Like my real mom would say, that sounds like a you problem.”
And even despite the flash of offense, for a second the Koopa King felt an amusement prickle across his being. This was rather quickly tamped down, but it felt nice, and for once the Koopa King felt weirdly at peace with himself.
It was then the kid paused, pulling up the Switch and looking at the king. “Why’d you stop, anyway?” he asked. “We’re in the middle of the fucking desert, you know.”
Bowser shrugged. “Needed to take a leak,” he said. He then exhaled, shaking his head as he walked to the bathroom. “Bathroom’s through here if you need it, no need for rest stops on this bad boy.”
“Oh good,” said the kid. “For a second, I thought you needed to get out your walker or some shit.”
Bowser exhaled, a plume of smoke rushing out towards the kid. “Don’t push your luck, kid,” he said. “Or I’ll drop you at the next town and assume your mother lives there.”
“She doesn’t live there,” the kid immediately replied. “I know.”
Bowser nodded. “Well, we’ll find out where she does soon enough.” He then exhaled, walking into the bathroom. “Be out in a bit.”
And as he closed the door behind him and did his business, the Koopa King thought he heard the kid turn the Switch on.
----**----
After that, the trip went a little more smoothly. At the very least, the initial awkwardness of the kidnapping seemed to pass. Granted, it resulted in Bowser not knowing if it could even be classified as such, and there was a strangeness to that he could not get over, but nevertheless he at least did not have to deal with as much awkward silence.
The princess would never have been so silent, after all.
And so, the Koopa King continued on. It took another few hours to get to the next town over, and Bowser saw it right away: it was a rather small town, the kind that only had one main street while the rest was just scattered houses full of country hicks. It was never the kind of place that Bowser could stand for long, but it would be just long enough to see this kid off.
And that was what Bowser did, picking him up by the scruff of his neck and holding him out as he stepped outside. “So, kid, you see your home anywhere—”
“Nope, this ain’t it.”
Bowser frowned, looking down at the little koopa. “What!?” he asked. “How is this not it?”
“Because it’s fucking not!” the kid replied.
Bowser exhaled rather roughly; the breath accompanied by a tuft of smoke. “Watch your mouth, young man!” he said.
“You’re not my dad, you old fuck,” the kid replied. “And you’re definitely not my real mom!”
“Don’t get fresh with me, little boy!” Bowser replied, waving his finger in the kid’s face. “I’m not your dad, and I’m not your mom, but I know that what I am is your—”
And then, Bowser felt something smash against his torso with considerable enough force that it knocked him against the RV. He felt the kid yelp as he was let go, but it gave Bowser room to brace against the RV. He grunted, pushing himself off his RV to look down at whoever was there.
“And stay there!”
The Koopa King blinked. When he turned his gaze to his offender, he blinked in surprise, seeing a rather stout pink hedgehog looking up at him. He instantly recognized the hedgehog: how could he not, with her red dress and the way she clipped her spines back and the way her green eyes shone in the sunlight.
“A-Amy?” Bowser asked.
The hedgehog paused, before pulling her hammer back. “Oh, Bowser.” She pulled her hammer back, shaking her head as she looked down at that kid. “Huh, didn’t think you’d ever get to this part of town.” She then looked to the RV. “And I also didn’t know you had an RV! What are you, old?”
Bowser exhaled, pointing his finger in Amy Rose’s face. “Just because I have seven kids to look after at home doesn’t mean I’m old!”
“Sure, and you haven’t kidnapped a princess anytime recently, right?” Amy asked. She then turned to the little boy. “Or is this one your substitute for a princess?”
The little Koopa stood up, frowning as he looked up at the pink hedgehog. “Do I look like a girl to you, bitch?” he asked.
Amy Rose immediately gave an exasperated gasp. “Watch your language, little boy!” she shouted.
Bowser shrugged, gesturing at the hedgehog. “Thank you!” he said. “I’ve been saying that this whole—”
“Save it, old man!” Amy Rose shouted, immediately whipping her hammer out and brandishing it at Bowser. “I can’t believe you’d kidnap children now! The audacity!”
The kid simply exhaled, before turning over to Amy. “Give it a rest, bitch, he’s just taking me home. He even let me play his Switch!”
Bowser blinked in surprise. Before he could go further, however, Amy exhaled in annoyance. “Let me guess, the old ‘candy in the back of the van’ thing?” he asked.
Bowser’s hair stood up on end. “Amy Rose, you know I’d never—”
“Nope,” said the kid. “He just picked me up, tossed me in the RV, told me I was goin’ fuckin’ home ‘cause he found me at a gas station I’d walked to, and then took me along.” He then gestured back to the RV. “There’s nobody else in there, you can check if you want.”
Amy Rose frowned, slowly lowering the hammer from Bowser. Her gaze turned between the two of them, and Bowser could tell the gears in her mind were working overtime. He exhaled, watching the way the gears in her head must have been working overtime to make sense of what she was seeing. If he knew one thing from Amy, it was that she was a master at jumping to conclusions, and, well, there it was.
But finally, Amy stowed the hammer away. “Fine,” said Amy. “I’ll drop it for now.”
Bowser nodded, looking to Amy and glancing at the town around them. “How did you even get here?” he said. “I thought you and everyone else lived in another dimension or something like that.”
“Oh, we did,” said Amy. She exhaled, glancing to the side nervously. “I just needed to find something, and I was dropped here. You know how it is with Tails and his machines.”
Bowser chuckled, shaking his head as he did. “Don’t even need to,” he said. “Remember when his automatic hair cutter tried to cut my tuft in Tokyo?”
“Oh that!” Amy shook his head. “Don’t even get me started on that one!” She then shook her head, looking out at the town around her. “But seriously, I’m getting pretty sick of this place. I can’t find what I need here, and I don’t have any idea where to go next.”
The King of the Koopas nodded, glancing back to his RV. He thought already to the fact that this strange koopa child was already in it: he’d intended to take the journey alone, but it seemed like fate had other plans.
…had he made any plans? Bowser realized that he had just picked a direction and driven that way for miles. There was no rhyme or reason to it, he just went a direction, and just stayed with it. With that in mind, he realized that picking up that kid was also not in his plans. So really, what would one more person in the RV do?
“Well, uh, if you’re not doing anything, I was going on a road trip,” Bowser said.
Amy frowned, raising one of her brows. “Don’t you have stuff at home, mister ‘I have seven kids to raise’?”
“Kamek is taking care of them,” Bowser replied. He shrugged. “I just needed a bit of fresh air recently, had a lot on my mind recently.” He shrugged. “I’m not picky or anything, so if you had nothing better to do…”
Amy paused, regarding both of them as she crossed her arms. The Koopa King was one of the few people who would never wither under her gaze whenever she was in this state of mind: he knew it was not personal, so he did not mind it nearly as much as he was certain some people would. And so, she stood there for a second, drumming her fingers over her pencil-thin arms as she considered her options.
Finally, she shrugged. “You know what? Sure, why not,” she said. She shrugged. “Not like I was doing anything, anyway.”
The little kid shrugged. “So it’s Final Fantasy now, huh?” he asked.
“Could be,” said Amy. She then shrugged, walking past the RV and glancing at the wall. “Sorry about the RV, by the way. I know I’m a little indelicate with my hammer swings.”
Bowser blinked in surprise, before turning back to the RV. As soon as he did, his eyes widened, for he spotted one small impression in the side that looked distinctly like a part of his shell had lodged into it.
And then, he glanced at Amy, who smirked at him before stepping into the RV.
“Motherfucker!”
It was at that moment the little koopa kid stepped up to the RV, shaking his head. “Watch your fucking language, old man!”
And that was when Bowser let out the mother of all exasperated sighs, facepalming and shaking his head.
----**----
Before long, Bowser, Amy, and the kid were all back on the road, and they left town not too long after. It was indeed a very small town, and before long they were out already. Bowser kept his eyes on the road, but from what he could hear from the back Amy already took marvelously to the little kid.
“Aaaaah, no! How could you! Not my third stock!”
“Lady, that third stock is the last thing you’ll be worrying about when I kill your fourth one, ‘cause I haven’t even lost a life yet!”
“I can’t believe you’re beating an adult!”
“Oh I can believe it, bitch! Just watch, I’ll do it again!”
And then, with a few more sound effects from their video game, Amy let out an exaggerated yell. He chuckled from the driver’s seat: Bowser was not even sure what exactly they were playing, but he could not help but smile at the way the kid began to jump around.
“Yeah! See? I beat you fair and square! No argument there, now, is there?”
“Ooooooh… Fiiiine, you get to shower first tonight.”
“Yay!”
Even in that interaction, the Koopa King could tell the overexaggerated way she announced it, as if she were a parent playing along with a child. It reminded Bowser of his own escapades intentionally losing video games for Jr.’s sake, and he felt his heart warm a little bit. He’d never known Amy to be good with kids, but it was a side to the pink hedgehog he liked to see.
Now why hadn’t he seen that in Tokyo, he wondered…
He thus exhaled, looking to the road. “Stay in your seat, kid,” Bowser said. “The seatbelts are right there!”
“Oh, I’m in there,” the kid replied back. “I’m not fucking crazy!”
And here, Amy sighed: much like Bowser, by this point they had realized it was best not to comment on this kid’s foul mouth, for he kept it coming no matter what they said. And as Bowser figured, some things were best left to his actual mother.
Bowser kept his eyes on the road, but he heard Amy shift around. “Y’know, I don’t even know your name, kid,” she said. “And I don’t know about you, but just calling you ‘kid’ is gonna get annoying real fast!”
“And why the fuck would I do that?” the kid asked loudly.
“Why wouldn’t you?” Amy asked. “That just sounds so weird to do!”
The kid paused, and when Bowser peered behind him with the rear-view mirror he saw the kid had turned to gaze at the floor. “But I don’t want to!” He shook his head as he looked away. “You’ll tell on me if I do!”
Amy blinked, tilting his head to the side. “Tell on you?” she asked. She leaned back at the table. “Who would I tell?”
“I dunno.” The kid exhaled, shaking his head as he looked back. “I just…”
Bowser frowned at this, glancing at the road. He saw another road sign, and then glanced back at the tank indication on his gas: while he figured he had another half a day of gas, he wondered if he should pause for the moment, see what that was about.
And so, he pulled over, stopping the RV. As he did, Amy frowned. “Bowser?”
The Koopa King parked the RV, before stepping out of the driver’s seat. “Look, I dunno what you’re thinking, but who would we even tell? I literally kidnapped you from a gas station! I think that would get me in a bit more trouble than you’d think.”
“And I’m just tagging along for the ride,” Amy added. “So who would I tell that would be important, anyway?”
Bowser shrugged. He then got on one knee before the kid, placing his hand over his heart. “You’ve got to know who I am, right?”
“Bowser, king of the koopas, yes,” said the kid. He then looked at Amy, frowning. “And you’re Amy Hyacinth!”
And at this, Amy stood upright so quickly that Bowser had to bite his lower lip to keep from laughing. “Excuse me!?” she asked. “That is Rose to you!”
The kid frowned. “You’re not pretty like a rose,” he replied.
And now, Bowser could not resist the urge to laugh: he reared his head back and let it out, laughing out so loudly that he was sure he was audible outside. “Amy Hyacinth!” He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut as he doubled over in laughter. “That is kind of a—”
Bowser was immediately interrupted by something hard smacking him on the top of his head. He thus was forced to the ground, the Koopa King suddenly feeling dazed for a second.
“Don’t push it,” Amy warned. Out of the corner of his vision, Bowser could see the hedgehog pull her hammer away. “Or else you’ll be getting much more of that!”
That was when Bowser heard something he thought he would never hear: a laugh. He blinked, both him and Amy turning to the source to see the kid finally cracking a smile. He looked up, before watching as the little koopa child chuckled, shaking his head, as he beheld the two of them there.
Slowly, Bowser pushed himself up, faux glaring at the kid. “What’s so funny, huh?”
The kid shook his head. “It’s like fuckin’ Bugs Bunny here,” he said. “I love it!” He shook his head, looking at Amy. “Do it again!”
And here, Amy grinned, a grin so evil that Bowser felt a strange primal fear settle into his gut. “Oh, you mean…?”
Amy’s hammer came down on Bowser’s head, and then the Koopa King was on the ground again, his head hurting once more as he let out a loud grunt.
“…this!?”
“Ow!” Bowser looked up at Amy, rubbing his head. “Stop that!”
But Amy held her hammer behind her, her faux-innocent smile looking particularly punchable as she glanced up to the sky. “But I’m just a small, innocent hedgehog,” she intoned playfully. “What would you do?”
“Throw you out the RV!” Bowser shouted as he got back to his feet, his fist bunched up. “The road’s right there!”
Amy chuckled. “Sonic taught me how to run fast, I can keep up just fine!”
The kid chuckled, shaking his head as he settled into his seat. He smiled, and Bowser looked up, feeling the blossom in his heart that he felt whenever his own children regarded him like this. And so, he exhaled, slowly standing up as he looked down at the koopa child.
The kid exhaled, the smile lingering back. “I haven’t had this much fun, ever,” he said. “Thanks.”
Bowser nodded, stepping forward and reached for the koopa’s head, giving it a pat as he grinned. “Anytime, kid,” he said.
And here, the kid exhaled, pulling his legs up.
“Tommy,” he said. “You can call me Tommy.”
----**----
After this, Bowser got back on the road pretty quickly. It did not take long to get to the next gas station, and Bowser thus decided he could refill the tank for right then, make sure they were stocked up for the next day. Thus, it was then they pulled into a trailer park a ways away, with Bowser making sure to connect everything to make the RV comfortable overnight.
The evening passed without any incident. As soon as Bowser woke up, he pulled himself off the bed, stretching his arms widely. He hadn’t slept that well in ages: the effects of this were immediately obvious, in that he found he was already wide awake even without having to run around to get some coffee first. There was something good about that, and the Koopa King felt a strange sense of relief about that.
It was a good day, and he could just imagine how peaceful the next day’s driving would be.
“Get out of this RV, you old hag!”
Bowser jumped as soon as he heard a loud smack from just across the bedroom door into the RV’s main hall. The Koopa King immediately jumped, and he pulled right out of the bedroom.
The scene he walked in on gave Bowser many reasons to double-take, but perhaps the most obvious one was the way in which Amy was using her hammer to push a koopa out of the RV’s doorway. Tommy cowered in the driver’s seat, with Amy yelling at the koopa as she moved along.
Bowser frowned. “What the hell is going on here?” he roared.
As soon as he shouted this, the koopa’s eyes widened, and she looked up to Bowser. This was enough for the old woman to loosen her grip, and in a single second Amy pressed her foot against the woman’s face. She came tumbling out of the RV immediately afterwards, Amy slamming her body against the door as she slammed it shut.
“Bowser, we gotta get the hell outta here,” she said. “How on Earth did you sleep through her breaking in!?”
Bowser shook his head. “No idea!” he said. “And anyway, we gotta disconnect the RV from the things, or—”
“Did she fucking stutter!? Get over here!”
Bowser jumped at how Tommy yelled at him from the driver’s seat. Almost instantly, he was across the RV, jumping into the driver’s seat as Tommy ducked under him and ran back to the RV’s couch. He pulled it out, swearing under his breath before he pulled out. There was a disagreeable snap from the RV taking out some water pipes on its way out, but the Koopa King bore it no mind as he backed the RV out, before turning the wheel and high-tailing it out of the park. He thought he heard the owner of the RV park yelling at him, but Bowser exhaled: he could just send an army of goombas to handle it later, he was sure.
Bowser shook his head, looking over at Tommy. “You OK?”
“Y-yeah,” he said, cowering as he was from behind the table. “That was weird.”
“Yeah, who was that woman?” asked Amy. “She literally came from out of nowhere, and woke me up trying to take Tommy away.”
“I have all the right to take him away, damn you! And you are not taking him away from me!”
Bowser and Amy both yelled out, before Bowser looked out the driver’s window: the koopa that Amy had pushed out was running alongside the RV. No, not hanging off, running: Bowser almost did a double take as she saw how fast her legs were moving, and how she waved her cane around angrily whilst doing so.
Bowser shook his head. “What the—”
She proceeded to smack the RV’s side with her cane. “Give me my boy Tommy back!”
Bowser growled as soon as he saw the koopa hit the RV. “Hey!” he shouted. “Don’t dent my RV!”
He then inhaled, before exhaling loudly, belching fire at her at the next second. To his great shock, however, the old woman responded by leaping right over the fireball, keeping up her pace next to the RV as it moved down the expressway. Bowser did a double-take at this, his eyes bulging wide.
“What the—?” Bowser shook his head. “What are you?”
The old woman proceeded to smack the RV’s side with her cane. “Give me back my boy!”
But Bowser shook his head. “In case you haven’t noticed, kidnapping and running off with someone is my thing!” he shouted. “You go back home!”
And with this, he turned a hard left on the steering wheel, just enough to bump into the older woman. This elicited a yell from Amy and Tommy, but the king of the Koopas followed this up by belching fire at her. Of course, the older woman dodged this much, but this time she leapt up so high she got onto the RV.
Bowser blinked, turning back into it. “Amy, keep the kid away from the windows!” he shouted.
But Amy was already there, her piko piko hammer out as she aimed it at the ceiling. “I got this, big guy,” she said.
Bowser’s eyes widened. “Amy, the RV!”
But before Bowser could say anything else, Amy drew the hammer upwards, smacking the ceiling with enough force that Bowser could year a yell from above. He then looked through the rear-view mirror to find that the old woman had bounced off the RV, and was now rolling down the street behind them. He faintly thought he saw a pair of red shoes fly off her feet and land several days down the drive, but he paid no attention to this.
Amy wasted no time getting on Tommy where he cowered in the couch. “Drive!”
Bowser did not question anything about this: with no further hesitation, he slammed his foot on the accelerator, the RV pulling away as fast as it could. He kept driving until there was no old woman in sight, and then when he knew that he just kept on moving.
After a tense ten minutes, Bowser finally exhaled, relaxing into the seat back. “Oh man…” he said. “Who was that woman?”
“I dunno, but it seems she thinks she knows our friend Tommy here,” Amy replied. She crossed her arms, looking at the koopa kid there. “She wasn’t your real mom either, right?”
“No.” Tommy exhaled, shaking his head as he looked out the window. “How’d she find me so fast?”
“Well never mind that, she dinged my RV!” Bowser shouted. “Who was that witch?”
“Not my fuckin’ mom!” Tommy shook his head, looking back out the window. “She’s… someone else.”
Bowser paused, then looked back at Tommy as his eyes widened in surprise. “No…” he said. “I didn’t kidnap you from a kidnapping, did I?”
“The fuck do you think?” Tommy asked.
Bowser turned to look forward, shaking his head in shock at what he was realizing. Suddenly, a lot of things made sense: why the kid was alone at a gas station, why he was all the way there to begin with, and why he offered basically no resistance at being kidnapped when Bowser set off in a random direction. He had no idea why this kid had been dragged out all the way to nowhere, but now…
“…holy shit, this could be bad for my reputation!” Bowser said.
Amy groaned in annoyance. “Really? Reputation?” she asked.
“I’m known as a princess kidnapper, not a little boy… u-unkidnapper!” Bowser stood up from the driver’s seat, waving his arms around. “Do you know how much the Wario brothers are going to laugh at me when they find out?”
“You didn’t seem to care what they thought back in Tokyo,” Amy pointed out.
Bowser lifted a finger, but paused as soon as he internalized Amy’s comment. He then lifted his head back up, wagging his fingers. “That wasn’t the same!” Bowser shouted. He looked back to Tommy. “Wait, then why were you kidnapped like that?”
Tommy sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t fucking know,” he said. “Why don’t you ask that crazy bitch?”
Amy exhaled, shaking her head. She then frowned, looking at Bowser. “Wait a minute, I just thought of something,” she said. “How was she able to run that fast?”
“Yeah, I was going to say!” Bowser said. “That lady was running faster than Sonic, how on Earth did she do that?”
“Beats me,” Amy said. She then frowned, rubbing her chin slowly. “Although…” She then looked up. “Did you see her shoes?”
Bowser frowned, looking up. “I… think so?” she asked. “They were red, if I recall.”
Amy nodded, chuckling quietly. “So Tails was right, those shoes were special!”
Bowser frowned upon hearing this. “Shoes?” He then blinked, realizing something else. “Wait, you’re not saying…”
“Sonic said he’d lost a pair of his shoes,” said Amy. She cracked her knuckles. “Oh, the words I’m going to have with this lady when we fight her for those shoes for real!”
Bowser frowned, looking back at her. “Wait, his running is in his shoes?”
Amy shrugged. “Not really, but there are a few pairs that are superpowered or something.” She shrugged. “I came here to find them, because Sonic thought they were stolen.”
Bowser’s frown deepened. “Wait, you think she stole them?” he asked. He then frowned, leaning forward. “How would she even steal them, and why would she use them to kidnap children?”
And at this, Amy paused, regarding Tommy with a perked eyebrow. Bowser could see the exact moment her brain picked up on how silly the whole situation was, but she stood there looking back at Tommy, then at Bowser, then the RV, then back at Bowser.
Finally, she just shrugged. “Gee, when you put it that way, it sounds like we’re in a second-rate fanfic.” She shrugged. “Look, are you really just going to let her catch up to us with those shoes?”
Bowser growled. “No,” he said. “That’s getting into my gig, and anyway she’ll probably just kidnap Tommy again, and we can’t have that. So we’re going back for those shoes.”
Tommy exhaled. “Just as long as that fucking bitch doesn’t touch me again.”
Bowser nodded. “I got you covered, kid,” he said. He then exhaled, climbing back to the driver’s seat. “Alright, back over there we go, I think I remember seeing them fall off.” He then paused right at the driver’s seat. “And by the way, she’s paying for the damage to the RV!”
Amy nodded, grinning at Bowser. “Sounds good to me!” she said.
“Good, because I wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer there.”
And with this, Bowser put the RV into gear. Right as he was about to turn around, however, he heard the distant wail of police sirens. The Koopa King frowned, glancing over to the side.
“Now what!?”
But Amy peered out the window, before frowning. “Hold on, don’t move.”
With this, she opened the door to the RV, stepping outside with her piko piko hammer at the ready. “Amy?” Bowser asked.
“I think…” Amy then lifted her hammer. “Gimme just… one… sec…”
And then, with an almighty yell, Amy swung her hammer hard. Bowser flinched as soon as he heard the piko piko hammer actually make contact with something. However, Bowser could not keep looking away too long, for then he watched as Amy leapt onto the struggling form of the same crazy koopa they had seen earlier. Bowser blinked, watching them fight it out as a squad of police cars came up to them.
“You give back those shoes!”
“I need them to run!”
Bowser then paused, looking to the road. He examined it… it was only two lanes in this part, two lanes that could be easily covered. It was only then that Bowser realized that if the koopa was still fighting Amy and Amy somehow lost…
Bowser nodded, turning back to Tommy. “Kid, close the door!”
The little koopa nodded, before walking up to the door, closing it, and locking. “You’re not thinking what I’m thinking, are you?” he asked.
“You bet your ass I am, kid!” Bowser shouted.
He pulled the RV into gear, turning hard on the steering wheel. With a lurch, the RV moved, and blocked the entire roadway. Almost as soon as Bowser had hit the brakes, something fast collided with the side of the RV with enough force to put a Koopa-sized dent near the doorway. Tommy leapt back and yelled in fear at the thud.
Bowser, however, immediately ran for the door, slamming the door open and reaching out. His claws  closed around a round, hard surface, and with this, Bowser lifted up, and there was the crazy woman with the red shoes that—surprise—looked exactly like an old pair Sonic used to wear. He then summarily hoisted her up, lifting her in the air and looking to Amy where she was slowly picking herself off the ground.
“Amy!” Bowser shouted. “The shoes!”
The pink hedgehog looked up, her eyes wide as the koopa woman came to. She sat there dazed for a second, shaking some quills out as the police force came from behind her.
And then, the koopa woman came too, looking down at Bowser as she began to wave her arms around. “Put me down, you big oaf!”
“O-oh! Right!” 
As if on cue, Amy leapt up, grabbing hold of one of the woman’s legs. With great effort, she fought against the kicking legs for what felt like a full five minutes. She would tug, planting her feet against Bowser’s shell as the Koopa in Bowser’s claw proceeded to kick and scream expletives at the two of them.
“Just… stay… still…”
“Hey bitch! Don’t forget me!”
Bowser turned to the door to see Tommy standing at it, waving his arms. The Koopa King blinked, his eyes widening in shock at the little Koopa’s audacity. His arm stilled, and a strange fear coursed through him: would he really go back? That was—
He felt a yank along his arm, and then the sound of a rubber sole clattering against the floor. Bowser turned to look back, finding Amy had ripped the shoes off of the older Koopa, and suddenly the koopa’s struggles were not so strong in Bowser’s grasp. The Koopa King realized this immediately, before he brought his arm down, holding the woman in place as Amy collected the shoes.
“Officers!” the Koopa King shouted. “I think I got her!”
And immediately, the officers swarmed Bowser’s position, handcuffing the crazy Koopa woman as quickly as they could. Bowser noticed they were goomba officers, with a Paratroopa looking right at him in surprise.
Bowser exhaled, finally taking his claw off the woman’s shell. “Thank God you guys showed up,” he said. He clapped his hands together, looking at all of them. “I woke up to this crazy woman stealing a kid right out of the—”
“Don’t move!”
And suddenly, all the goomba officers pulled Poison Mushrooms out, all of them leering at Bowser angrily as the paratroopa produced a huge pair of handcuffs. Bowser blinked in shock, glancing around at the officers as they all rounded on him.
Bowser scoffed immediately. “Y-you would arrest your king!?” he shouted.
“We got the call when you ran your RV right out of the park after this crazy woman broke into it,” said the paratroopa. “It’s nothing personal, sir, it’s just drag.” The paratroopa paused, before shaking his head. “I-I mean drag.” He lost some height as he realized what exactly he was saying. “I mean business! Business!”
One of the goombas rolled his eyes. “Really, Merrie, you’ve been watching too much Drag Race lately, come on!”
“Not the point!” said the paratroopa said. “That’s a nice try, and that’s the best Bowser suit we’ve seen, but we’re not taking any chances with this one!”
Bowser blinked in surprise. “B-Bowser suit?” he asked.
“They were littered here a while back, we’ve had a string of robberies by people donning these suits!” the paratroopa intoned. “Well, you’re not fulling us this time!”
“Well, wait just a minute there!” Amy shouted. Bowser’s attention turned to the pink hedgehog, who stepped right up to Bowser, crossing her arms as she looked directly at the para troopa. “Would any of these people know about the incident with the cleaver in Tokyo?”
Bowser frowned, glancing to look at Amy. “I thought Rouge didn’t want anyone to know she nearly killed Waluigi with that!” he said.
“Oh, she doesn’t,” said Amy. She then turned to the paratroopa. “But I bet this officer also doesn’t know about what happened backstage when Bowser won the gold in shotput.”
Bowser blinked, slowly getting Amy’s drift. “You mean when Wario wouldn’t be a team player and had to be held back by Vector when we got off the medal podium?”
“Yes, that,” said Amy. She shook her head, turning back to the paratroopa. “And I bet you three dollars there are no Amy suits anywhere here, right?”
The paratroopa looked at the pink hedgehog, Bowser noticing that his brows had lightened up in their expression. He then scanned Amy Rose, over the dress, and then back to Bowser. The Koopa King saw when the paratroopa realized that something was off with his original guess, and after a few seconds, it finally clicked.
“H-holy shit, it’s actually you, sir!” the paratroopa replied.
One of the goombas looked to the sergeant. “There’s a kid here, sir, watch your language!” he shouted.
But Bowser chuckled, waving him off dismissively. “Trust me, the kid’s said worse on our way here,” he said. He then shrugged. “He’s fine.”
“Thank you, sir!” The paratroopa replied, falling to the ground shortly after. He then turned to the goombas. “At ease!”
Bowser nodded as the Goombas stowed their poison mushrooms. “That’s what I thought,” the Koopa King said. He then looked to the koopa at his feet. “Now are you going to take her away or not?”
“Just one more thing,” said the paratroopa. He then glanced at Tommy at the doorway. “That kid you’ve got over there looks familiar. Where’d you find him?”
Bowser shrugged. “At a gas station not far from my castle,” he said. He then looked at the woman down there. “Not sure what happened, but when the owner of that trailer park called she was in there trying to grab him away.” He shook his head. “Now that ain’t his real mom, is it?”
“No idea, but we’d been looking for her for a while, so I doubt it,” the paratroopa replied. “She’d been reported by others for kidnapping kids before, but we don’t know about this one.” He then re-indicated the kid again. “None of the kids we’ve been told about match his description, you see.”
Bowser frowned, turning back to Tommy. As soon as he did, however, he paused: a panicked expression had come over his face, one that Bowser could immediately see covered his whole visage quite suddenly. And in that moment, Bowser saw the kid step back into the vehicle.
He could sense something was off. He was not sure if Amy saw it, but Bowser knew he had to act.
And so, he turned to the paratroopa, inhaling. “Actually, uh…” He shrugged. “A personal friend phoned me back home and told me that her son went missing.”
The paratroopa frowned. “And she contacted you and not the police?” he asked.
“W-well, yeah!” Bowser splayed his arms out. “I am the king of the koopas, and we’re a bit of a ways away from where I’m sure your jurisdiction is, right? So I ended up finding him myself.” He shrugged. “I was just about to get him back to his mother when she came and tried to kidnap him back!”
“Y-yeah!” Amy added. Bowser looked down to see the hedgehog chiming in. “And he asked me for a bit of help, because, uh… she was being persistent!”
“Yeah!” said Bowser. “So his mom didn’t really tell you guys about it. Sorry.” He shrugged. “We’re taking him back ourselves!”
The paratroopa nodded. “Alright,” he said. He exhaled, shaking his head. “Normally, I would have a lot more questions, but since you’re the actual King of the Koopas we’ll let it slide if you’re going to handle it.” He then nodded, looking to the koopa on the ground. “Alright, lady, you’re coming with us!”
And with this, the officers began to walk back to their vehicles, Bowser watching as they took the woman with them. He glanced to Sonic’s shoes in Amy’s arms, before turning back to see the police get in the squad cars. Bowser exhaled, watching them depart, and then he nodded, looking to Amy.
“And they didn’t even comment on the fact I took part of the trailer park’s water pipe with them!” he said.
Amy chuckled. “Tell me about it,” she said. She then looked back to the RV. “Speaking of which, should we take care of that while we’re stopped?”
“Yeah,” said Bowser. “Let’s fix that up, and then get going.” He then looked back to Tommy. “Our next destination is to wherever this kid’s mom is, right Tommy?”
It was only after he’d asked the question that Bowser realized that Tommy was nodding slowly, a smile coming to his mouth as he looked on. “Y-yeah,” he said. “And she’s not far from here.”
“Good.” Bowser turned to Amy. “Let’s get him back home, yeah?”
“Of course!” Amy said.
And with this, the two of them returned to the RV, Bowser even managing to forget the koopa-shaped dent in the side of the RV for a second as he stepped back in. He then looked to Tommy, who took up a space in the RV’s passenger seat. The little Koopa still looked quite stressed, and as Bowser walked in he took the expression in.
He then paused, sitting down in the driver’s seat. “Your mom could get in a lot of trouble if they found out what she did, huh?” he asked.
“Y-yeah…” Tommy said. He glanced to the floor. “I don’t wanna get her in any trouble…”
Bowser nodded. “Well, I hope she at least cares for you,” he said. He then exhaled. “Where to?”
Tommy looked down. “The next city over,” he said.
“The city, huh?” Bowser pulled the RV into gear, leaning back as he backed the RV up. “Well, nothing like taking an RV into the city, so let’s do it!”
And with this, the king of the Koopas leaned back, turning to the rearview mirror and backing up. Soon, they were back on the road, with Amy settling in on the couch as Tommy began to give directions back home.
----**----
It did not take long before Bowser was pulling into the city, its tall buildings and neon lighting quite the dramatic shift from what he had just driven from. Still, Bowser was glad for the change of scenery: after nothing but roadside and small towns and RV parks, a little bit of concrete was a nice change of pace.
But as he turned off a side road and into the inner city, Bowser sensed that something was different about Tommy. And indeed, Bowser followed his directions to the letter, and he was sure that Amy also noticed when it actually moved back out towards the outskirts of town. The town seemed a little more run down in this area, and something about it was always disquieting.
Eventually, the directions pulled Bowser into this small complex, a complex housed in a rickety-looking motel building. Bowser immediately noticed all the windows were covered, and as the sun set on this little joint, Tommy looked up expectantly.
Amy frowned. “There’s no way she congregates in that place!” she said.
Tommy exhaled, before looking towards the entrance. “No, this is right,” he said. He exhaled, shaking his head as he looked down. “There’s… a lot that happens here.”
Bowser nodded. “I see…” he said. He then looked up at the motel at its boarded windows, at the neon sign that looked rather broken in more than one way… It was the definition of a roach motel, and as Bowser looked on he wondered what would go on there.
The Koopa King then watched as Tommy’s gaze fell upon a Koopa by the foot of staircase up to the upper level. He recognized the red coloring of Tommy’s shell on this koopa, and further he recognized the shade of his eyes in hers. He looked at her as she smoked a cigarette slowly: in that gaze, suddenly a lot of things made sense.
Bowser nodded. “This is all you have, isn’t it?” he asked.
Tommy nodded in turn. “Y-yeah,” he said. “It’s all we’ve got.”
“I see…” Bowser exhaled, looking over to Tommy. He reached a hand over, patting his shoulder. “No wonder you’re swearing up a storm!”
“Fuck you, old man!” Tommy replied. He shook his head, pulling his knees in. “She tries. She really does…”
It was then that Bowser saw the koopa look up at the RV. She frowned upon seeing the RV, but then did a double take as soon as she saw who was in the passenger seat. It was enough that she dropped her cigarette, and then she turned, bounding forward.
“Tommy?” the Koopa asked, loud enough that Bowser could hear it through the windshield.
And now, Tommy finally smiled, hopping off the passenger’s seat. He was rather silent as he ran to the door of the RV, dodging Amy’s legs as he rushed out to his mother. Bowser stood up, and he quickly followed the little turtle out of the RV as Tommy rushed over to his mother.
“Momma!” he shouted.
“Tommy!” The little Koopa was promptly picked up in his mother’s arms, holding him close while she sobbed. “Tommy, oh my God, you’re safe! I’m so, so sorry I couldn’t…”
Bowser watched as Tommy’s embrace tightened around his mother. “It’s OK,” Tommy said. “I… I got lucky.”
The elder Koopa looked past him, her eyes widening slightly upon seeing the Koopa King standing right there around the RV. She then stepped back, holding Tommy there as she stood there, uncertain of what to do.
“O-oh, Jesus.” The older koopa bowed her head. “M-my king!”
But Bowser waved a hand, shaking his head with a smile. “Oh, don’t worry about that stuff right now,” said Bowser. “This one’s a rascal, and he needs to watch his language.”
The Koopa parent shook her head, looking down at Tommy. “Tommy baby, did you drop all those bad words repeatedly again?”
And immediately, Tommy looked shameful. “Y-yes, momma…” he said.
The older Koopa shook her head, and although Bowser could see her brows furrow into a frown he still saw the smirk that came to her mouth. “Hah, I’ve told you not to use those words, baby,” she said. And then, she held him close. “But that’s just classic you.”
“Sure sounds like it.” Amy Rose popped from behind Bowser, looking up at the motel. “So, one of these places, huh?”
“Yeah…” Bowser looked down at Tommy’s mother, drumming his fingers against the hood of the RV. “What are you doin’ raising him in a place like this, miss…?”
“May,” the Koopa replied. “Call me May.” She then exhaled, holding Tommy close. “And it’s not like I’ve got a choice. Kinda don’t have anywhere to go but here, and try as I might this place keeps callin’ back to me one way or another.” She shook her head. “Not that I haven’t tried. But it’s fuckin’ hard.”
Bowser nodded, looking over. “I see,” he said.
He exhaled, looking up at the motel the same way Amy did. He pondered long and hard on something: it suddenly made sense why the old Koopa who had stolen Sonic’s shoes had seen it fit to run off with the child. After all, who would want a child brought up in such an environment, and with a mother who did such obviously sordid work? But kidnapping was still kidnapping, and Bowser had done enough of them over the years to know that kidnapping was never a solution to a problem like this.
And so, he turned to May, bowing his head. “So, uh… Is it money you need?” he asked.
Amy frowned. “Bowser!” he said.
May shrugged, looking to Tommy. “I have… I have family in Petalburg,” she said. “They’ve told me I can get over and they’ll take me in. But I never have enough money to get there, is the problem.” She looked to the ground, glancing around nervously. “My… my boss makes sure I never do.”
Bowser nodded, tapping his foot as he leaned forward. “And where’s this boss?” he asked.
May exhaled. “His office is right over there,” she said. She then looked up at the imposing king, her jaw quivering. “Why?”
Bowser lifted his hands, cracking his knuckles as he made his way towards that office. “Amy, come with me,” he said. “I think it’s time we had a nice little chat with this ‘boss’, right?”
Amy nodded, already stretching her arms. “I thought you’d never ask!”
----**----
“And don’t you ever keep people from leaving again, you hear? Or you’ll be hearing from me about it!”
“Y-yes, my king! Ah, don’t kill me!”
“Oh I won’t kill you, but if you’re not out of this motel in the next month I know a few people who would!”
“Y-yes, my king! Th-thank you, my king!”
“Now get out!”
And with this, a rather wild-looking Goomba rushed out of the motel office and away from the motel: to where was not important, for his motions indicated that the general idea was ‘anywhere but here’. Shortly afterwards, Bowser stepped out of the office himself, rubbing his hands together before turning to where May, Tommy, and Amy all stood by the side of the RV.
Amy glanced at where the Goomba ran off to. “You’re not gonna let him keep doing this, are you?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve got my ways to keep tabs on him,” Bowser replied. He cracked his knuckles. “Once I get back to the castle, I can make it all happen.” He then turned to May. “Now, you should be able to get to Petalburg, right?”
“With just one more client, I think,” said May.
Bowser crossed his arms, looking at the RV before glancing to Amy. The Koopa King shrugged, but rather than being met with a piko piko hammer to the face the pink hedgehog just shrugged.
“I mean, you don’t actually have to do anything, right?” she asked.
“Not tonight, I think,” said May. She smiled up at the Koopa King. “Returning my Tommy was good enough for me.”
Bowser nodded, before turning to May and exhaling. “You know any bars around here?” he asked. “It’s been a long trip, and I think I could use a stiff drink right now.”
May chuckled, rubbing her hands together. “I know a place, indeed,” she said. She then turned to Amy. “Mind watching Tommy in the RV?”
Amy shrugged. “I guess I can stick around a little bit,” she said.
“Perfect.” Bowser nodded, looking to May. “So, drinks are on me tonight.”
“I don’t drink much, but thanks,” said May. “Such a gentleman, for the King of the Koopas.”
“Eh, I’ve had to rethink some life choices,” he said. “Where is it?”
May nodded, and she opened the door to the RV. “Here, let’s get over there.”
----**----
“And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuu!”
“Ugh, get me shome earplugsh for that, pleashe! I hate that sshound!”
“Yeah, Mr. Cregon, that’s… kind of hurting my ears too.”
“I’mma go do shomethin’ about that!”
“You have fun with that!”
And with this, Bowser watched from his seat at the bar as the slightly pudgy crocodile stood up and began to saunter his way over to the karaoke machine. The bartender shook his head, before turning back to his drinks. The even pudgier bear sported a dark mustache that was quite different from what Bowser would normally think of when he thought of a mustached man, but it was a good change of pace, and the flannel shirt he wore was not going to remind him of that at all.
Still, Bowser looked at the crocodile as he slowly stumbled his way to the karaoke machine. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Bowser asked.
“No,” the bartender replied, looking up at where the crocodile had walked off to. “Damn crocodile always drinks too much.” He shook his head. “At least he hits like a girl when drunk, but still.”
“Hey, I know some girls who hit pretty hard,” Bowser replied. He then shrugged, looking back at the bartender. “But if you need me to cut him off.”
“He wouldn’t listen to you if you tried,” the bartender replied. He then looked up, exhaling as he saw the crocodile move closer. “Fuck, he might actually break the machine.” He then looked down at Bowser’s beer cup, noticing that it was only half empty. “Do ya want me to top that off?”
“Eh, not right now,” said Bowser. “But thanks.”
“Good,” the bear replied. “If you need anything, let me know!”
And with this, the bear walked off, rushing over to the karaoke machine. Bowser watched as the bartender rushed at the crocodile, managing to tackle him to the ground and hold him in place before any serious damage could be done.
May chuckled, shaking her head. “Poor Boris always has to deal with Cregon one way or the other,” she said. “At least this time it didn’t end too poorly.”
Bowser nodded. “I’ll drink to that!” And with this, he lifted his glass and took a sip.
As he pulled the glass away from his lips, his eyes wandered around the bar once again. The joint May had dragged him to had been a gay bar just outside the city: she hadn’t said it was a gay bar, but Bowser could tell pretty quickly what it was as soon as he took one look at the dance floor, and at the rainbow flags that adorned the walls. Bowser had to admit he’d never been to one: until then, he’d never had the interest. He had also never attempted to get this form of attention from men, but he was actually very unbothered by the idea: there was a time to carpe diems, and what was this road trip for if not to carpe a few diems?
And so, there he was, waving his beer glass in front of May. “Am I glad you dragged me here or what?” he asked.
May smiled from behind her small martini glass. “It sure looks like it,” she said.
Bowser nodded. “Beer ain’t bad, too,” he said. “I thought these gay bars were all about fruity, oversweet drinks, but I guess not.”
“They do all kinds here,” May replied. She then looked to the rest of the bar, and the variety of clientele that were seated at it. “Gay men don’t all just like the sweet drinks, you know.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Bowser replied. He then frowned, turning to May. “Why here, though?”
May shrugged. “It’s just my go-to,” she replied. “The patrons here won’t hit on me most of the time, so it’s always been a safe space for me.”
Bowser nodded, tapping his fingers against the glass. “Yeah, you get a lot of creeps, don’t you?”
“Yep.” May then chuckled, looking over Bowser’s body. “You might have the opposite problem here, though. The clientele might be all over you.”
But to this, the King of the Koopas shrugged, his smile not quite abating. “Y’know what? It’s an adventure, right?” He closed his eyes and moved his hands as if adjusting a fake bowtie on his neck. “And at this point, I’m willing to try anything.”
May smiled at this, her hand settling at the base of the martini glass. “Yeah, that’s the attitude to have!”
“You bet!” And so, Bowser downed his beer, which he realized mid-sip was a lot stronger than he remembered.
May nodded along, looking to him as she swirled her martini glass and took a small sip. “Thank you for rescuing Tommy, by the way. I… don’t think I can ever thank you enough for that.”
Bowser nodded, the smile fading slightly even through the haze of the alcohol. “He’s a good kid.” He then exhaled. “Swears too much, though.”
“I know,” May said. “I’ve been trying to get that out of him, but… it’s hard.” She shook her head, looking up. “Hopefully in Petalburg I can fix that.”
“Yeah,” said Bowser. He then looked down into his beer, his smile going away briefly. “It’s time for a lot of changes, I think…”
May nodded, looking at Bowser and seeing how he stared into his beer. “Gettin’ over a heartbreak?” she asked.
Bowser blinked, turning to the smaller Koopa with a raised brow. “H-how’d you guess?”
May leaned back, sipping her martini. “I’ve had enough clients who needed some pick-me-up sex to know the look,” she said. She then leaned forward. “Lemme guess: the Princess finally said no.”
Bowser nodded, his smile now completely vanishing as he stared into his drink. “She told me she’s gotten tired of the kidnapping courtship. Wants something steadier.” He exhaled, placing his beer glass down on the counter. “And also, she kinda liked Mario more than she did me, so she went that way.”
May nodded. “Sorry to hear,” she said. She then looked up. “I guess that’s why you went on this road trip, huh?”
“Just needed some time away from everything to deal with it.” Bowser exhaled, shaking his head. “I got… a lot more than I bargained for.”
“Tell me about it,” May said. She shrugged. “There is somethin’ to be said for healthy distraction, though.”
Bowser nodded, tapping his fingers against the bar. “You’d be right about that,” he said. He exhaled, looking up. “This adventure’s been distraction enough… un-kidnapping a kid, finding some super-fast shoes…” He shrugged, going in for a drink.
“…You haven’t mentioned the part where you get laid yet.”
Bowser spit his drink out rather violently at May’s suggestion, before turning to her with incredibly wide eyes. “Absolutely not!” Bowser said. “Not with a kid in the RV!”
But May’s gaze turned towards the bathroom coyly. “You’d be surprised where a horny gay is willing to do it,” she replied. She then patted his shoulder, glancing to a point just beyond him. “Besides, I think someone’s taken an interest…”
Bowser blinked, and then turned his gaze to the end of the bar. He blinked upon seeing a rather handsome green-feathered Rito sitting at the end, casually sipping on what looked to be a rum and coke. He occasionally saw the Rito’s eyes glaze over him, and Bowser could feel his gaze pouring over him.
On the one hand, Bowser had never been checked out by another guy. But as his gaze lingered on the Rito, he found himself smiling: if nothing else, he was flattered that someone found him attractive like that. He still had it after all these years, after all…
He felt May pat him on the shoulder. “I’ll leave you to it, big guy,” she said. “Have fun.”
And with this, she left Bowser to his own devices, walking towards the women’s bathroom. Bowser took another sip of his beer, and as he looked on, the green-feathered Rito glanced back at him. A coy smile came to his beak, and Bowser found it taking his breath away.
The King of the Koopas nodded, giving the Rito a wink. After all, if he did have it, he might as well make use of it, right?
----**----
After a certain point, everything in the bar became a small blur: he remembered dancing with the Rito, and then he took the Rito somewhere else, he was not fully sure where. Bowser realized as he woke up that it had been years since he’d had alcohol, and boy did he feel it when he woke up that morning. He also faintly realized at some point he’d lost track of where he was: he was dancing, and then there he was.
Thus, Bowser rubbed his head, shaking it as he looked up, finding the walls of the RV’s bedroom greeting him.
It was then he heard the groan from next to him. And at this, Bowser stiffened, his eyes going wide: he remembered Tommy, Amy, and May being somewhere in the RV, or at least he remembered that Amy and Tommy were there, and where else was May going to go after leaving that motel? That left one possibility.
And so, Bowser turned, seeing that green Rito from the previous night pulling himself up in the bed.
The Koopa King let out a loud screech, so loud that it knocked him off the bed. The Rito thus responded in kind, jumping at the wall of the RV and bumping against it to the point that the RV rocked with the motion. From outside the door, Bowser could hear Tommy yell out, and a dull thud accompanied it before Amy started yelling in turn.
“HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” Bowser shouted as loudly as he regarded the green-feathered Rito.
And from beyond the door, Bowser heard one word, in Tommy’s voice:
“Language, old man!”
----**----
Later that day, Bowser stood at a pier, with the boat to Petalburg waiting to set off next to him. Bowser looked down at Tommy, the young Koopa standing next to May as they both looked up.
“So we’re living with Uncle Koops for now?” Tommy asked.
“Yeah,” said May. She turned, looking over to Bowser. “Come to think of it, he had a few stories about you.”
But Bowser shrugged. “The name’s familiar, at least,” he said. “Betting he went on an adventure with that mustached plumber, if so.” He then turned. “Either way, you’ll be in good hands there.”
“No doubt,” said May. She smiled at Bowser, before patting Tommy’s head. “Thank you for everything.”
The Koopa King shrugged. “It was no problem,” he said. “If anything, it made these past few days really good.” He then knelt down and looked at Tommy. “But don’t be a brat to a stranger, OK?”
“Of course, old man!” Tommy replied.
At this, the ship’s horn sounded, and May and Tommy looked over at the boat. They turned their attention back to Bowser. “We should get on,” May mentioned. “Thank you again for everything.”
“Of course!” Bowser then turned to Tommy. “And be a good boy to your mom, OK?”
Tommy nodded. “She’s my real mom, of course I will!” he said.
And Bowser patted his head gently. “That’s a good boy,” he said. He then nodded to May. “Well, I won’t keep you here any longer. Good luck in Petalburg.”
“Thank you,” May said, bowing her head. “I won’t forget this.”
And with this, the two Koopas made their way to the gangplank. Bowser watched them go with a smile on his face, and he leaned back as they boarded the ferry to Rogueport. He knew it would be a somewhat long journey, but he felt good that he’d at least helped to make it happen. And so, he stayed, watching as Tommy waved from the back of the ship, something he kept doing as the ship pulled away from the port.
Bowser waved back, and for once he felt his heart was pretty full.
He heard a pair of footsteps behind him. “I hope he’ll be OK.”
Bowser turned, seeing Amy Rose standing behind him again. She held the shoes in her arm, holding them close to her breast as she looked to the Koopa King.
Bowser shrugged gently, stepping towards her. “I think he’ll be just fine,” he replied. He looked over to Amy, shrugging gently. “He’s a brat, but he’s kind of different around his mother, and he really cares about her.”
“So much so he was in no hurry to get back to her, huh?” Amy asked.
Bowser shrugged. “I mean, usually with a kidnapping, they’re very far away from wherever they came from, so you don’t know how you’re gonna get back.”
Amy smirked, leaning to the side. “Takes one to know one, right?”
Bowser chuckled. “You got that right.” He then nodded to Amy. “Will you be getting back to your home dimension OK?”
“Oh, Tails had this little thing I could press the whole time,” Amy replied. She then pulled out a small square that looked rather techy, and she held it in her opposite hand and shrugged. “But honestly, once I ran into you I had so much fun that I figured I’d stick around a little longer.”
Bowser chuckled. “Man, we need to see when the next time we’re called to that other world is,” he said. “Those were good times…”
“You’ll see Peach over there again,” Amy pointed out. “You OK with that?”
The King of the Koopas shrugged. “By the time it rolls around again, I think I will be,” he said.
“Good.” Amy nodded, glancing to the RV. “Well, I shouldn’t keep Tails waiting. You have fun, yeah?”
“Sure thing,” said Bowser. “And if you ever want to say hi, my castle is really warm!”
Amy laughed out loud, shaking her head. “I don’t think I’d like to get burnt to a crisp, but I’ll think about it,” she said. She then pondered the box. “But I’ll see you again sometime.”
“Same.” And then he leaned forward. “Tell Vector I say hi.”
“Will do!”
And with this, Amy pressed a button on her little tech box: in an instant, a golden ring began to circle around just behind her: it formed into something, and within the ring he saw a verdant pasture in a completely different place. He recognized it from the times he and Mario did the fighting tournament, recognized the splotcy soil that showed up, and even the loop that appeared somewhere in the back. That was her home indeed, and Bowser exhaled.
After a second, Amy jumped through the portal. It closed behind her soon after, leaving nothing but the crisp oceanside air.
He stayed there for a few seconds longer, before he stood up, walking back to his RV. There at the door to it stood the Rito from the previous night. The green feathers almost sparkled in the light, and his lithe figure was somehow even more pronounced outside the light of the club. Somehow that made him more attractive to Bowser, and it was something surprising that even despite the awkwardness when Bowser had woken up that he wanted to tag around for some more adventures.
Under normal circumstances, Bowser would have said no. But as May said, there were a few days to seize: why not travel around with this handsome new companion, see what else he could learn about himself along the way?
And so, the Koopa King walked back, walking to the RV door and looming over the Rito quietly. “I still have a few days of road trip left in me,” the King replied. “You know anything good in this city before I go back?”
And here, the Rito nodded, glancing to the side. “I know a few things,” he said. He then leaned forward, his wingtip gently laying on Bowser’s chest and rubbing it gently. “But first, I think we need a proper reintroduction.”
Bowser chuckled, the warmth in his chest exploding as he leaned towards the Rito. “Sounds good to me.”
And as the Koopa King leaned forward and placed his hand on the Rito’s shoulder, he smiled, thoughts of Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom far behind him as he thought about how best to reintroduce himself to this dashing Rito.
