"I wish we had more years to get to know each other"
To my ex boyfriend \r\n\t\t\t\t\t
| \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tnokiakiller\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
"I wish I could have made you more happy and give the love you needed"
To one of my great friend \r\n\t\t\t\t\t
| \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\troughwolf\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
"I am sorry I yelled at you when you asked me free art, you were gone too soon, I couldn't tell you I am sorry..."
To a good friend and great artist \r\n\t\t\t\t\t
| \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tJasenTamiia\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
"I missed an opportunity to know you better"
----
Two days ago, I got the result of the pulmonary function test, (PFT).
Turn out that after fighting for 3 years mysterious illness it finally show on paper today...
This is a restrictive lung disease, and in most case, the life expectancy is from 2 to 4 years...
"here you go, again with all the cancer and bullshit"
You have the right to be mad at me, you have the right from the miscommunication to think I am looking for attention with fake illness all the times.
I faked my suicide in 2006 before of emotional distress, I was 17 years old at that time, and people never forgave me for it.
around 4 years ago, I had sever health issues, and indeed 3 tumors removed, where I went through so many radiation and fought for 2 years.
When my real life boyfriend passed away, my depression and lack of communication spread rumor that I died which was untrue.
So I understand that you might think, because of the 2006 rumors I started and the rumors from a couple years ago that I did not started make you think I am always seeking for attention.
But at the end, we are only human, and the more we grow up, the more we start to understand that we do not live forever, and I start to witness too many good people go, from family member, to friends, lover, and artists. Death is part of life and inevitable.
Some people just go too soon...
As for me, I have no idea where I will be in a few years, but I do hope I will still be in this world and be able to continue drawing.
This art today is not because I am suicidal, but because I have fear, I am scared, and I am afraid to be alone, but afraid of seeing the people I love watch me go...
Thankfully, my boyfriend is here to cheer me up, but the sad truth is that if anything were to happen to me, I would need to return to my father, and as much as I love him, I do not see myself away from the person I love, while remaining with him would be impossible from a financial point of view, on top of living in a total different country.
For once I manage to eventually find happiness, life remind me that we survive in this world, and that everyday we have to fight, to give us a purpose to be happy, and love each other.
"Do not cry because it is gone, but smile because it happened"
I am not strong enough, and I will continue to cry, because that just who I am.
For now, I am waiting further tests this coming week.
Maybe the lung disease will remain that way, maybe it will continue to progress.
For now I cannot claim anything will happen to me until a doctor say so.
But just like any disease, knowing you have something that cannot be cured is very scary.
I am afraid...