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Was it @Butlerdog13 my brother, @rosebuster my first son, @TrioMaxwell my first dad, @Kazenov my dad. And those i forgot to mention.\n\nI am afraid of the future, because each time i cry for help, people are here and cheer me up, give me a reason to continue. But what if the day i cry again, and instead of help, people will ignore me, think it's \"one of those mood again\", think it will pass. I am afraid that day will be the day.\n\nI haven't posted much about my health in the past months, having to deal with my boyfriend who actually died early this year. But in reality, i am still ill, lot of part in me are fucked up, and i have skipped most of my medical care, not helping against the cause.\n\nTonight, I am heartbroken, many time i wanted to leave the fandom, but i cannot. I made a promise, I made a promise to remain alive for as long as i can draw.\nYet i want to stop, but i cannot, because i want to live, i want to exist, i want to be here for someone. Yet there is no one. Some relative want me, for their own need, and forget what make me happy.\nAnd it seem that what make me happy is something i can never have.\n\nWhat the point of life ? why is it so hard, why do we all pretend we are fine, but all we do is hide our anxiety. We smile at each other, and hide our tears. And no one try to change this, because no one have hope all of us together can make a change. \n\nI do ponder how i survived so long in my life, and why i haven't given up for good yet. Maybe i am afraid of death after all, maybe i am afraid of no longer existing, because i still want to be appreciated for my work ?\nI don't want to be just a bunch of art lost in a folder, i want to feel alive and have a purpose.\nI want to be more than just a name on internet.\n\nI want to be.","description_bbcode_parsed":"It's true that I often write messages of despair online, many time you seen me giving up, feeling very down.
Even up to thinking i died this early year, concerned about my safety and sudden disappearance.

And this is true, whenever i am not feeling good, whenever i think about suicide, is peak loudly on inkbunny, because every single time, i got the help i needed, to continue.

People go to therapist, other drink alcohol, some even don't care and just kill themselves.
For me, it's the fear to be alone, so i come to the only place i feel safe, and inkbunny is that place.

I had nothing remotely close to a family than some people i have meet here. Was it \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tButlerdog13\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t		\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tButlerdog13\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
my brother, \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\trosebuster\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t		\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\trosebuster\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
my first son, @TrioMaxwell my first dad, \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tKazenov\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t		\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tKazenov\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
my dad. And those i forgot to mention.

I am afraid of the future, because each time i cry for help, people are here and cheer me up, give me a reason to continue. But what if the day i cry again, and instead of help, people will ignore me, think it's "one of those mood again", think it will pass. I am afraid that day will be the day.

I haven't posted much about my health in the past months, having to deal with my boyfriend who actually died early this year. But in reality, i am still ill, lot of part in me are fucked up, and i have skipped most of my medical care, not helping against the cause.

Tonight, I am heartbroken, many time i wanted to leave the fandom, but i cannot. I made a promise, I made a promise to remain alive for as long as i can draw.
Yet i want to stop, but i cannot, because i want to live, i want to exist, i want to be here for someone. Yet there is no one. Some relative want me, for their own need, and forget what make me happy.
And it seem that what make me happy is something i can never have.

What the point of life ? why is it so hard, why do we all pretend we are fine, but all we do is hide our anxiety. We smile at each other, and hide our tears. And no one try to change this, because no one have hope all of us together can make a change.

I do ponder how i survived so long in my life, and why i haven't given up for good yet. Maybe i am afraid of death after all, maybe i am afraid of no longer existing, because i still want to be appreciated for my work ?
I don't want to be just a bunch of art lost in a folder, i want to feel alive and have a purpose.
I want to be more than just a name on internet.

I want to be.","writing":"","writing_bbcode_parsed":"","pools_count":0,"title":"sick","deleted":"f","public":"t","mimetype":"image/png","pagecount":"1","rating_id":"1","rating_name":"Mature","ratings":[{"content_tag_id":"3","name":"Violence","description":"Mild violence","rating_id":"1"}],"submission_type_id":"1","type_name":"Picture/Pinup","guest_block":"f","friends_only":"f","comments_count":"19","views":"1003","sales_description":null,"forsale":"f","digitalsales":"f","printsales":"f","digital_price":""}