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He has been ever patient, and I appreciate it. \n\nFoxie is all sweet and giggles, but he also lives in a sort of happy-smashy cartoon world where no matter WHAT happens to him, he always comes back, as sweet and giggly as ever. So of course, what would happen if he wound up moving in with two of the most casually violent fellows on the block?\n\nCUPCAKES!! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS!!\n\nThere are actually a few pieces that weren't included, in this episode, so there may be a sequel involving a slip and slide and Foxie's True Nature. We'll see. :)\n\nAll characters (C) themselves, of course.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "This is a donation-commission (long overdue!) for :FoxieWindragon:. He has been ever patient, and I appreciate it.

Foxie is all sweet and giggles, but he also lives in a sort of happy-smashy cartoon world where no matter WHAT happens to him, he always comes back, as sweet and giggly as ever. So of course, what would happen if he wound up moving in with two of the most casually violent fellows on the block?

CUPCAKES!! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS!!

There are actually a few pieces that weren't included, in this episode, so there may be a sequel involving a slip and slide and Foxie's True Nature. We'll see. :)

All characters (C) themselves, of course.", "writing": "“Oh, what a beautiful morning!” said Foxie, our intrepid hero. “I simply can not wait to meet my new friends!” The fox-fuzzed gray dragon was polishing his horns in the mirror, his tail flicking back and forth with his hips. He had a song in his heart, a plan in his head, and a speck of dirt on his snout! “Avast, yon dirt! Prepare to be WIPED!” That polishing rag swept down, obliterating the smudge from the face of existence. Or just from the face of Foxie, you can really look at it either way.\n\n“Let’s see. Groomed, cleaned, have my bills all paid off, pets all taken care of...” Foxie peeked through his tiny little apartment, which had been stripped entirely bare. Everything, everything he had ever owned, was stuffed into a tightly bulging duffel bag, neatly zipped together.\n\n\t\n\n\t“So long, tiny little nook! I will miss you, it’s true, but I’m moving on to bigger and better things!”\n\nIn this case, the Bigger thing was Charn, and the Better thing was Kuma-Kun. Foxie had met them over FrostLovers, a website for fans of cupcakes and muffins. Charn had posted a recipe for “Dragon Delite”, a delicious looking concoction that involved two large dragon eggs. Foxie had +Lick’d the recipe, and commented that dragons don’t usually lay eggs, that that was a rumor. Kuma-Kun had replied back, “Well why don’t you come by and we’ll show you what kind of dragon eggs we use!”\n\nFoxie had been ecstatic! Nobody had ever actually invited him to live with them before! He had immediately cancelled his cable, which had actually cost a lot of money, since he was ending it eleven months early, and sold his brand new Nissan Vice. Since he was in such a rush, he didn’t have the time to properly sell it for it’s FULL value, but he found a nice gray wolf who gave him a WHOLE TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS for it! Which was -just enough- to get a bus ticket to Snuffieville, Alaskansassota.\n\nThat had all been yesterday, and Yesterday, was Thursday, Thursday. Today i-is Friday, Friday. He-he-he so excited, he so excited, he gonna have a ball today!\n\nFoxie blinked. Had he been singing in his head again? Or out loud. He forgot which one he wasn’t allowed to do anymore. Anyways, it was exactly twenty four hours since Charn had posted that recipe, and Foxie was about to get on the bus for a new life, a new future, a new destiny!\n\nApproximately fifteen minutes later, a big gray bus pulled up in Snuffieville, Alaskansassota, outside of a very long, winding dirt driveway. The door opened, and Foxie flew through it, landing face down on the dusty sidewalk. Oh boy! It tasted like ADVENTURE!\n\nA duffelbag containing the accumulation of all of the windragon’s world possessions smashed into the back of his head. Mmmmmm! More adventure! And coppery tasty dragon blood!\n\n\tHurriedly the dragon stood up, brushing himself off and hefting his bag over his shoulders.\n\nWow, it was kind of..lonely out here! There was only one house, set far, far away from the road, like a big beetle with dark square eyes. It peered back at him, half lurking, half stalking. He waved to it! Other than that house, though, there was not much of anything around. A burning oil derrick humped slowly, robotically at the ground in the distance, and the main highway disappeared over the horizon, taking the bus he had just left with it.\n\nFoxie was alone.\n\nAlone... with the FUTURE! \n\nThere’s no time like the future to be in the present, after all!\n\nWhistling a jaunty tune, the windragon strutted his way up the cracked concrete driveway, sidestepping a bear trap, ducking under the monofilament clothesline, and jumping blithely over a pit with a meat grinder at the bottom.\n\n The front door of the place was solid steel. No windows, no way to peek in or out. “Hello?” Foxie said to the great blank door. “How do I get in here, anyways?” He dropped his duffel bag on the mat, which said, simply, GTFO. Foxie rubbed at his chin. GTFO sounded familiar, where had he heard that before? Was it the name of a band?\n\n\tHmm. OH! A doorbell!\n\n\tFoxie’s heart soared with a happy tune, and he expressed it through that doorbell. In this particular instant, the tune was the jingle from the Meow Mix commercials, and he could hear the ding dong dinging reverberating and bouncing around inside the house. He was almost to the second chorus, when the door shook. Shook, as if someone had kicked it! The door flung open, and before Foxie’s very eyes was Charn! He was a lot shorter than the furry dragon, and.. blueish. Nevertheless, Foxie offered his paw to the chubby blue bear, smiling his biggest happiest smile.\n\n\t“HI!”\n\n\t“The fuck do you want?” snarled the house’s resident. \n\n\t“Oh, ha ha, I guess I should introduce myself, I’m sorry! I’m Foxie! Foxie, the WINdragon!”\n\n\tCharn kept staring back up at him, his baseball cap giving him the appearance of a kid. “... and?”\n\n\t“And... well...” Foxie stepped from foot to foot, feeling a bit nervous all of a sudden. Maybe he should have double checked with Charn and Kuma, first, to make sure they had the time for a visitor, right now. “... umm, well, I mean, we were talking on FrostAffinity about cupcakes? And you said that I could come over and you would show me the dragon eggs you use?” Foxie checked the time on his phone. “I guess about an hour ago?”\n\n\tThe little bear gawped up at the dragon, head tilting to the side. “... Huh. Well.” He looked the fellar over, up and down, and suddenly grinned in a most fiendish, yet friendly fashion. “Well then, by all means. Come on in!” Foxie jumped with joy, skittering into the house to check things out.\n\n\t“Mmmm! It smells like cupcakes and barbecue in here!” he said, as the blue bear checked both ways to make sure that nobody had seen Foxie come in. He pulled out a keyfob, pressed a little red button, and a small mushroom cloud poofed up from the direction that the transit bus had gone. He closed the door behind him, and with a Click, turned the deadbolt. Muahahahaha.\n\n\t“Hey! Tiger! We have a visitor!” The blue bear said, pounding on the wall as he followed Foxie into the main living area. \n\n\t“This is really cool, I’ve never visited anyone from the internet before. I guess it’s one of those things people are afraid to do, you know? You keep hearing about all those crazy people and everything..” Foxie was admiring the trophies on the wall, all sorts and shapes. “These look so realistic!” He reached over and rubbed the underside of a big ole horse dick, giving the spongey material a squeeze. “Wow, so lifelike!”\n\n\t“Uh, yeah, you’d be surprised.” The bear grinned, as a taller, sleeker feline came out of the hallway. One side of his head was mussed up, his eyes still bleary. “Oh, there he is. This is the guy who actually made those cupcakes, by the way. I just ate em.”\n\n\tThe tiger stared at Foxie blinking blankly, then looked at the bear. Then back again. Suddenly, he put up his dukes! “I didn’t break any laws!”\n\n\t“Wha? Oh! I just came to find out where you got those dragon eggs! You see, I-OOF!” Foxie spun on one foot, the tiger having socked him squarely in the side of the face. The dragon grabbed onto something for balance, eyes still spinning in their sockets. “Oh my!”\n\n\t“Kuma, where’s my cleaver!” the tiger said, dashing out of the room. “You hold him down!”\n\n\t“Don’t think that’s necessary, Charn!” said the cheerful blue bear, as Foxie realized he was hanging onto the trophicized head of an angry looking lion. \n\n\t“Oh!” Foxie said, pushing himself away. “Sorry about that, mister lion.” He turned back to Kuma, peering at the crashing sounds coming from the kitchen. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” the dragon apologized. “I didn’t realize it was such a big secret!”\n\n\t“Oh, it’s one of the biggest. Not many people are alive that know of the special ingredients we cook with, here,” Kuma replied, with that same wide grin. “But you know? You look like a stand up, all right kind of guy. If you want, we can go into the kitchen, and me and Charn can show you the magic!”\n\n\t“Oh, wow, would you really? That sounds really awesome!” The dragon paused, and put a hand to his mouth, spitting a tooth into it. “Oh, um, I’m sorry... do you have some place I could put this?”\n\n\tKuma giggled and pointed to a glass vase on the coffee table. There were two very pretty blue daffodils inside it, each one quite large and sturdy. The bottom was filled with all sorts of pointy little white pebbles. “Just throw it in there, with the others.”\n\n\t“But I might not remember which one it is, later, when I take it to the dentist, “ the dragon complained. Still, he was a good dragon, and he did as he was told, trying to put the tooth over to the side, sticking straight up. There. That should be okay. He hoped.\n\n\tThe kitchen was a mess. There was cupcakes, Eeeeeverywhere, most of them flat, sunken, and burnt. Others lopsided, with big air pockets. Still others seemed to have exploded, just a ‘skin’ of crumbs left lining the muffin pans. BUT! There was a wonderful looking display stand, one of those cupcake trees with multiple levels, and each of them was frosted with the most decadent, sweet, creamy looking frosting, in shades and hues of dark red to purple. \n\n\t“Oh!” said the dragon, his heart thudding heavily in his chest. Dragons love cupcakes, as everyone knows, and the sweet little Foxie couldn’t -help- but reach out to swipe some frosting from the closest of the cupcakes. \n\n\tTHUMP!\n\n\tFoxie stared at the cupcakes. Then he stared at his arm. Then he stared at where his hand would be, if it had still been attached. but it wasn’t! It was on the table! Right next to the cleaver that had chopped it off. He looked at the tiger who had just chopped his hand off, his eyes watering.\n\n\t“I did -NOT- say you could touch those cupcakes!” said the tiger, pulling the cleaver out of the table and glaring at the dragon. Neither of them seemed to notice, or care, at the blood spouting from the end of the dragon’s wrist, staining the tiger’s front a dark red.\n\n\t“I... I’m sorry!” the dragon whimpered. “I didn’t mean to upset you!” He stared at the floor in humiliation. How could he have been -so- rude! Those weren’t his cupcakes! Why would have ever thought he could have had one! He sniffled, feeling terrible. \n\n\t“Do you have -aaaaany- ideas how long it took, how many dragon eggs it took to get the recipe -just- -right- for cupcakes?” the tiger gestured around the kitchen, the ruined pans, the mistakes littered everywhere. “I had to buy them in bulk from Taiwan! We totally ruined the local supply!”\n\n\t“Well, you -did- raid the dragon roosts,” the bear replied dryly, leaning against the wall and casually taking one of the cupcakes. It was a big handful, of course, a big heavy treat just the right size for bears his size. He chewed into the soft, fluffy pastry, getting the frosting all over his lips, cheek, even on his nose. “Mmm, this is TOTALLY good. I can see why you gave up your hand trying to get one! It’s -perrrrfffffect!” Drawing out the F in ‘perfect’ had the effect of spraying spittle and cupcake crumbs all over Foxie’s muzzle, and the pale-looking dragon licked at some of it. \n\n\t“Mmmm!” he said, agreeing with the bear. “They taste so good, they remind me of something I had a long time ago, back when I was just a whelp. Tastes like...” He tried to think, even as blood splattered and dripped down his thigh from his still bleeding arm. What did it taste like? He licked out over his cheek again, over his nose. Well that tasted like nose. Paprika? Persimmon? Dill?\n\n\tUrk!\n\n\tThe tiger had grabbed his tongue! And with a yank, the dragon felt his head yanked down onto the table, his own severed paw acting as a pillow for his chin. “Fuff fiff I fooooo???” he asked, but the tiger had that same angry look on his face.\n\n\t“I -said- you couldn’t have any of the cupcakes. You must be the stupidest dragon I’ve ever come across, and I’ve come across plenty in my time!” The cleaver was wiped off against the fox’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” T-shirt, leaving a red mustache on the grinning yellow wal-mart face. His fingers tightened on the dragon’s tongue, and he pulled the sinuous pink ribbon out of the poor squirming guy’s muzzle, until Foxie was sure it was going to come right out.\n\n\tThen he felt the edge of the cleaver, on the back of his neck. Were they going to chop off his head?! That was going to make such a mess! Fortunately, the cleaver was just rested there for the tiger to get a better grip on the handle, and with another thunk, it slammed into the table, skimming the dragon’s nose and clipping the flesh from the other side of it. The tiger’s hand came up, holding that now limp pink tongue, and he waggled it in the air.\n\n\t“Whatcha think, Kuma? Do you imagine we could stuff this like a sausage?”\n\n\t\n\n\t“Probably not. Maybe use it as cooking twine, that’s about it, though.” Kuma yawned. “That cupcake was great and all, and I think Foxie’s learned not to eat your cupcakes, buuuut, he didn’t come here to get slowly and systematically tortured to death, Charn.” The tiger looked chastised. “He came here to find out about DRAGON eggs! Which he says don’t exist!”\n\n\tFoxie reached into his mouth, able to stand again. His mouth felt weird! Empty! The stump of his tongue waggled around in his mouth, without all the weight he was used to. He nodded though, to the tiger and the bear alike. The bear, for his part, had taken the severed tongue and stuck the chopped end in his mouth, with the long pink thing wiggling everywhere. IT was comical, and the dragon laughed, spraying blood across the table. He covered his mouth, mortified. “Urp, uff, mm smowwee?” He tucked his tail between his legs. This was so embarrassing! He was spilling blood all over the kitchen, the floor, his shirt. He hoped they weren’t going to get mad at him for making such a mess!\n\n\t“Well, dragon eggs, DO exist. They’re just hard to get at. But, come along, now, you are ooooobviously tired from the road.” The tiger grinned to the dragon. “Why don’t you take all of those clothes off, mm? We’ll get those stains out of them.”\n\n\t“O, orrkay.” the dragon struggled with his shirt, pulling it half way over his shoulders, and over his head. Being unable to grab the other side of it was posing a problem, though. Damn lost fingers! He flicked and hunched and tried to wiggle out of the shirt, as the other two laughed at him.\n\n\t“What a moron, he can’t even get his shirt off!”\n\n\t“You sure know how to pick them! What should we do with the hand?”\n\n\t“Eh. Go leave it in one of the candy bins at the supermarket?”\n\n\t“Yeah, could do that again, I guess. Do you need any help, Foxie?”\n\n\tThe dragon blurbled from the other side of the shirt, starting to stagger around. He had it! He wasn’t some whelpling who couldn’t even dress himself!\n\n\t“You’re such a little bitch. Would you stop flailing?” Hands grabbed the dragon’s hips, holding him still, and he grunted as he felt a thump into his lean belly. He doubled over, the wind knocked out of him, and more paws grabbed at his shirt, pulling it slowly up and over his arms. Those paws on his hips gripped his shorts, pulling down and stripping them down his legs. Foxie was -naked-. Naked, in front of -strangers-! Though they weren’t really strangers, were they, after all they -had- invited him into their home! They were his friends! Foxie was their friend, too!\n\n\tHe stood back up, feeling the other two sizing him up, and self-consciously moved to cover his hanging testicles and the cock that hung limply from a sheath far too small to hide it. Foxie unfortunately needed two hands to cover everything, though, which just wasn’t an option now. He decided to cover his peepee, for now, since he could always cover the rest later.\n\n\t“Well there you go. See, little bitch?” Foxie blushed harder as he realized the bear was referring to him. He didn’t know what he was supposed to see, but he nodded anyways. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,. He sees it too. Two big ole dragon eggs left.”\n\n\t\n\n\tThe tiger rubbed at his chin, hmmming. “Yeah, I see. Pretty nice, too.”\n\n\t\n\n\tFoxie peered around him. Eggs? Where? He didn’t see any eggs, just used up pans and pots and empty bags of bone meal and- Oh!\n\n\t\n\n\tThe bear had grabbed his nuts! He stared down at the hand gripping his eggs, then back to the bear who held them, swallowing hard.\n\n\t“These eggs, silly. These are what we use for our cupcakes. Don’t you want to see hooooooowwwww?”\n\n\tWell it would be rude not to, especially when they were nice enough to let him in their house and give him a taste of their cupcakes. Slooowly, Foxie nodded, and then tottered to the table where his hand still laid, as the bear dragged him along. He grunted as they were laid on the table, and peered around for the tiger and the butcher’s cleaver. They were going to lop them off!\n\n\tOnly, he found out, they -weren’t-. The bear pulled and stretched his nuts down low, and playfully batted at his hose. “Aww, what a cute little bitch-dick!” He laughed. “Seriously, how did you not realize what kind of eggs we were using. It says right in the recipe that you have to pluck them fresh from MALE dragons, wasn’t that a clue?”\n\n\tFoxie whined. He was so stupid! Of course he hadn’t even thought about it, and now he felt like the biggest idiot in the world. He had seen the pictures of them doing something with some tied up dragon guy, but he had thought they had just posted the wrong pictures.\n\n\tKuma grabbed the dragon’s scrotum. “Wanna see something COOOOL?” He nodded, of course Foxie did. Kuma always had the best tricks, and even if Foxie didn’t know that -yet-, it was something that, intuitively, -everyone- knew. He YANKED! And like the magician with a fully set table, he pulled the dragon’s scrotum off completely, leaving his nuts just sitting on the dirty table. “Taaahdaa!” Splat! The scrotum fell to the floor. \n\n\tThe tiger came back with a bowl full of flour and some brown spices. “NOw this is the most important part, Bitch.” He gathered up the dragon’s ‘eggs’, and dropped them over the edge of the bowl, where they hung by their cords. They were wet, and the flour instantly caked to them. \n\n\t“Charrrrrn,” Kuma said in a sing song voice, as he slowly pushed the restaurant grade dough mixer over, and helped slide the bowl into place. Foxie stared down at his nuts, resting on top of the flour, as the mixer’s giant two paddles pushed down along side of them. This was probably not going to end well for his balls. “You knoooow you’re supposed to crack the eggs into the batter, riiiiight?”\n\n\t\n\n\t“I know, I know, but let’s just call it... creative license! One second, fucktard,” the tiger replied, elbowing the dragon in the belly and grabbing hold of his soft, limp shaft. SNIP! A pair of poultry shears clipped it right off, without so much as a warm stroke to plump it up first. “You let me get to the cooking, and you get to this!” He tossed the severed dick to the bear, who grabbed at it, juggling it from hand to hand before it landed on the ground. HE picked it up, making a face. “Gross, it has dirt n crumbs on it now.” \n\n\t“Well go do your thing with it. Oh! And...” the tiger sniffed at Foxie, who stared back with wide, innocent eyes. The tiger leaned in and bit a chunk out of the dragon’s shoulder. “Hmm. Tastes like... yeah, let’s do a Key lime frosting this time.”\n\n\t“Sure thing!” the bear trotted out with the dragon’s penis, leaving Foxie alone with the sound of the mixing machine. Whirrrrr! The tiger had turned it on!\n\n\tThe dragon turned back, just in time to see those two paddles sheave together and then separate, circling around inside the mixing bowl before closing in on one of his testicles. IT was ground, rolled along the edge of the bowl a bit, before finally scooped up by the leftern paddle. Foxie braced himself, as he watch the two paddles shear together, again. With his ball between them.\n\n\tSPLATCH!\n\n\tFoxie shuddered as his testicle exploded from the mechanical pressure, silken guts spilling into the dry powder in the bowl. He whimpered, the flour drying his testicles’ innards out, instantly seeming to mummify the tender, moist vesicles. The pain was excruciating. He wasn’t even close to being used to it, when they circled back. He knew that pulling his remaining nut out of the way of those paddles would be incredibly rude, so he braced himself, and watched as those two paddles scoops his ball up between them. It distended, tougher than the other one, as the two edges of those big spatulas dug deeper and deeper into the sides, nearly pinching it in half. Totally together, it would seem, and then pulling back away from each other. His nut hadn’t popped!\n\n\tThe tiger scowled! “Hey, your nut has to pop or it’s going to ruin the mix!”\n\n\t“I’m sorry, um, um!” The blades scooped back around, the flour more of a gritty paste now with the other nut mixed into it so well, and crushed his ball again. He squeaked, legs going weak. “Is there some other way to, I mean, what if it’s just too tough?”\n\n\t“I haven’t found I couldn’t pop,” the tiger muttered. He pressed a button, and those spatulas swung around faster. This time, the testicle didn’t have the chance to compress. They clapped together through the dragon’s ball, and with a high pitched squeal, Foxie’s masculinity was annulled. \n\n\tWith his testicles destroyed, and being slowly churned into muffin-batter, Foxie was free to slump against the table. Maybe it was the shock of what had happened, or the exhilaration of being in the company of such awesome dudes as Kuma and Charn, but Foxie was feeling light headed! He stepped away from the table, legs shaky as the machine churned and whipped and beat his eggs into the paste, making a thick, gluey batter. \n\n\t“I feel kind of... tired... do you think I could close my eyes for a bit?”\n\n\tThe tiger chuckled, and patted him on the shoulder. “Of course you can. Here, I have a place for you right here.” \n\n\t\n\n\tFoxie felt himself lifted up, the tiger’s long arms scooping underneath his thighs and under his shoulders, and he was gently laid out across the kitchen table. The mixing machine made a steady, relaxing rhythm, and the abused, naked, nulloed dragon yawned all cutely. He would just close his eyes, for a bit, and when he woke up...\n\n\t“Oh, hey, slut?” It was Kuma talking, and Foxie opened up his eyes. Kuma was standing over him, eyes glittering, and an axe over his head. “NIGHTY NIGHT!”\n\n\tTHUMP!\n\n\tThe pain of having his head chopped off with an axe was not as strong as the shock of the metal resting against his throat. THe blame had gone clear through his adam’s apple,and as he swallowed, he felt his throat flesh twitch, pulling away from the metal. His whole body was numb! It was an incredible sensation, even as the blue bear’s fingers grabbed hold of his horns, lifting him up from the table. \n\n\tCharn walked up behind the bear, who turned Foxie’s head around to face them. IT was so strange, so weightless. The dragon felt like he was a balloon, floating through the area. The tiger studied him over Kuma’s shoulder, the bear still grinning up at him.\n\n\t“Hmm,” said the tiger, rubbing at his chin. “Wanna fuck him?”\n\n\t“Um, of COURSE!” the bear replied.\n\n\t\n\n\tFoxie’s head was turned down, and his eyes would have widened, if he had had the strength to do so. The bear’s fat dick was jutting up, proud and stiff and looking painfully wide. Kuma brought that head down, and Foxie prepared to taste the dick of the nice bear who had let him into his home, but instead he was turned, facing away from the bear’s stump.\n\n\tSomething was in his throat!\n\n\tKuma Kun was in his throat! The bear’s fat spike wiggled and pressed up, and the dragon thought he was vomiting at first, especially when it pressed up against the back of his tonsils. He gagged, mouth opening, but obviously nothing came out. Even his tongue stump had stopped bleeding! \n\n\tOrange paws reached for his cheeks, and he looked up to see the tiger leering down at him. “You got an ugly mouth, bitch,” the tiger said, prying it open. “But I’ll fuck it anyways.”\n\n\tThe tiger’s own shaft was a little longer, but not as thick. Foxie realized with dismay that he wasn’t going to get a chance to taste it after all, since his tongue was gone! But it pressed into his mouth anyways, sliding in just enough to press up against the room of his mouth, cramming Kuma’s back against his tonsils. Foxie tried to heave again, his poor gag reflex triggering again, but there was just nothing to come up!\n\n\tNow, normally, a normal person, you cut off their head, and any life that’s left in them fades away in a matter of seconds. Blood loss, oxygen deprivation, traumatic shock, all of these things snuffs out a life faster than, well, pretty much everything else except hollow point bullets, nuclear explosions, or Michelle Bachmann. Foxie was a windragon, though, a sort of half breed throw back to Normal furries. More like a chicken than a man, you might say. Maybe his frontal cortex just wasn’t as fully developed, or maybe it was some sort of evolutionary advantage, but you lop off a windragon’s head, that windragon is going to keep talking and seeing and feeling things, well those things connected to their head anyways, for a good twenty minutes.\n\n\tKuma and Charn’s spit roasting of that severed head took about fifteen of those minutes. It was awkward at first, the two roommates vying for the right angles, getting their pacing down so that they weren’t slamming cockheads into each other, making sure the mixer didn’t over whip the cupcake batter. The usual. After seven minutes or so, they had it down pretty good though.\n\n\t“Yeah, this is okay. That buck was better, though.” the tiger commented, his hip bones slowly crunching Foxie’s snout into hamburger. “You get his dick all done up?”\n\n\t“Oh! Yeah, here.” something cold and wet and floppy fell over Foxie’s eyes, and he looked up as the tiger lifted it. It was... it was his penis! Only it was ... flat! Like it was just the skin left! The tiger inspected the tip of it, nodding, hips easily hunching into the severed head.\n\n\t“Yeah that’ll work. You want to use the usual for this?”\n\n\t“Yeah, that would be great, I think they’re big and soft enough to work perfectly.”\n\n\t“Cool beans.” the tiger passed the empty dick sleeve back to the bear, who brough the open end, where the shaft had been attached to his body, down to Foxie’s muzzle. He slipped it over his eye, his left eye, immersing it in a sort of ruddish blackness. Then he felt suction on the other end.\n\n\t\n\n\tSlrrrrrrp! SLRrrrrrrp! Kuma sucked on the other end of the cockskin, like a siphon, and the fox was helpless to stop it. Slrrrp! Slrrrrrp! He felt his eye bulging in it’s socket.\n\n\tSLRRRRRRRRPPPHHHHHH-floop!\n\n\tIt was still connected by the cord, but the dragon’s eye was sucked out of it’s socket, the soft gelatin sliding up the length of the dickskin. The bear moved the pseudostraw over to the other eyeball, repeating the process, until two straining eyecords ran from the dragon’s breain into his emptied cock skin.\n\n\tKuma mashed those eyes together with his fingers! Squish Splop splut splat! The two eyes being rendered into a thick gooey paste, the cords now slithered back to drape over his cheeks like thick tear trails. This was about the time that the two cupcake bakers reached their climax, each of them comically driving themselves in, hilting in the dragon’s two orifices. Their tips bent each other’s back and upwards, so that they each jammed into the back of his throat, up against the back of the dragon’s sinus passages, and thick, hot seed shot directly up into the dragon’s brain.\n\n\tChicken brained or not, nobody can survive having two dudes ejaculating directly through their brain matter. Not even superman could survive that! Foxie certainly couldn’t! When the two dudes pulled their softening dicks out of his ruined skull, the dragon’s sinuses prolapsed, and his scrambled brains slithered out onto the floor in a big slurry of blood, mucus, and semen. \n\n\t“Gross!”\n\n\tThe cupcakes, of course, were absolutely delicious. When you combine such quality ingredients with the love and care that these two put into their work, you can’t help but get a masterpiece. Kuma put the finishing touches on them, of course, using his cockskin icing bag to pipe out a slurry of eyeball frosting over the steaming cupcakes, dyed a greenish brown. They were set out on the windowsill over night to cool, and the two exhausted roommates decided to clean up in the morning. \n\n\tCharn woke up in the morning to the sound of things banging and crashing around in the kitchen. He sat upright, eyes blinking. Who the fuck interrupts a sleeping tiger? Someone who’s about to be two nuts lighter, that’s who. He tiptoed to his door, the sunlight peeking in at playing over the rippling stripes of the sleek predator. The door opened.\n\n\tThere was more banging sounds, out in the kitchen. Had someone come to steal their cupcakes? Fucking internet thieves. Charn stalked down the hallway. He swung around the corner.\n\n\tThere was... a hideous monstrosity there! It was a furry dragon thing, a vaguely familiar thing. It turned towards the tiger, and Charn recognized it’s face. It was that dragon from the day before! He had come back. And he was sporting a boner!\n\nBACK FROM THE DEAD!\n\nWITH AN UNDEAD ERECTION!!!\n\n\t“HOLY SHIT!” The tiger let out a completely unmasculine squeal, the kind of squeal you would never ever EVER read about in any of the stories that circulate around on the internet, his tail frizzing out to twice it’s normal width. “ZOMBIE!” and then, correcting himself, “HORNY ZOMBIE!!!!” \n\n\tCharn had been preparing himself for this for years now. He knew the apocalypse was going to come eventually. He leapt towards the thing, snatching the cast iron skillet from the hook over the stove, even as the foul, demonic thing cracked it’s lips in a smile.\n\n\t“Oh, hi Cha-”THWANK!” The left side of the dragon’s head dented in under the swing of the pan, his horn imbedding itself deep into his brain. One of his eyes popped out, rupturing down over his face. The dragon immediately raised his arms! “No! Wait!”\n\n\t“You’re DEAD!” The tiger shouted swinging it at the windragon’s erection the edge of the rim of the pan launching it across the room like a golfball. The dragon squealed, backing into the corner.\n\n\t“WHY WON’T YOU DIIIIIE” the tiger fumed, baseball swinging the pan directly into the dragon’s snout, the ten pounds of iron pushing the dragon jaw bones out through the back of his skull, with arterial blood spraying all over the neatly stacked pans and dishes. \n\n\tCharn was pretty sure that the dragon was down for the count, the body slumping down onto the floor, motionless, but you can never be sure! He brought it down over that head, again and again and again, until there was nothing left except purplish oatmeal above the dragon’s shoulders. \n\n\tCharn stood up, wiping off his cheek with his forearm. “Fuckin’ zombies.” He grunted... then turned. That was odd.\n\n\tThe kitchen was ... spotless! All of the cupcake pans cleaned, the over and stove gleaming! Even the floor had been swiffered! Zombies don’t normally do pots and pans... do they? Was there something Hollywood had been hiding from him all these years?\n\n\tCharn peered dubiously down at the corpse on the floor, gears slowly turning in his head.\n\n\t\n\n\tCharn peered dubiously down at the corpse on the floor, gears slowly turning in his head.\n\n\tThey had pretty much dismembered the FUCK out of him. That dragon was dead. Dead dead Chances-of-Sarah-Palin-as-Democratic-Nominee DEAD. So what had he been doing, still alive? \n\n\tMore intriguingly...\n\n\tWhy had he been doing the dishes??\n\n\tThis was just too puzzling. He trotted down the hall, knocking on Kuma’s bedroom door.\n\n\t“Rgghghlz.”\n\n\t\n\n\t“Kuma, ther’s something wrong.”\n\n\t“nnnnzzv.”\n\n\t\n\n\t“No. I mean, there’s something -WEIRD- going on.”\n\n\tKuma’s door swung open, the blueish purple bear grinning brightly under his bright red cap. “Something Weeeeeeird?”\n\n\t“Yeah, something Weeeeeeeeeeeeeird. That dragon guy came back.”\n\n\tKuma frowned. “That’s odd. I didn’t bring him back.”\n\n\t“I didn’t think you did! He didn’t seem to be the type to be interesting enough to bring back, you know? He had the personality of polenta.”\n\n\t“Yeah, boring as fuck. Well, I didn’t bring him back, either.” Charn stepped closer, pushing his foot against the pop-skulled dragon’s lower jaw. No response. He slid his toes into the dragon’s mouth, pinching at the narrow tongue between them. He pulled back, and the tongue stretched, completely flaccid. “Weird.”\n\n “Maybe it’s his twin?” he offered, though that was a dumb idea and they both knew it. Kuma’s security system was unique, unhackable, and resulted in intruders having a black hole inserted up their asshole. So unless he had snuck in through the dragon’s luggage..\n\n “Wait, his luggage!” They both exclaimed at once, running over to the forgotten knapsack. They ripped it open, and the innards of the foxdragon’s most sacred possessions spilled out onto the living room floor. The two roommates knelt, and began rifling through them. Kuma pulled out a sticky magazine.\n\n“‘How to Train Your Dragon Monthly’?” he asked, face blank. “Why are all the pages glued togeth- oh. Ew.” He tossed it into the fireplace. FWOOSH!\n\n“This looks like a hoagie”, Charn countered, peeling the saran wrap off. “... and it only has pickles and mustard inside.” His face turned slightly green. FWOOSH!\n\n“I found a CD! ‘Everyone Poops, the Audio Book’. Seriously? The fuck is wrong with this asshole?”\n\nCharn shook his head, and pulled up a little plastic figurine, of a white rabbit with blue goggles and big spikey ears. He peered at it. Something about it seemed... familiar. Hmm.\n\n“Anything?” asked Kuma, fiddling through a photo album before tossing it into the crackling flames.\n\n\t“Just this, really. Seems like a bust. No arcane relics. No alien artifacts. Not even a flash drive.” The tiger sighed.\n\n\t“Hey guys! Whatcha doin?” asked Foxie, sitting down next to the two carnivores.\n\n\t“EEEEEEEEEEEEK!” screamed Charn.\n\n\t“EEEEEEEEEEEEK!” screamed Foxie!\n\n\t Kuma screamed, “EEEEEEEEEEEEK!”\n\n\tFoxie screamed, “EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”\n\n\t\n\n The tiger and the bear jumped to their feet, the bear kicking the dragon in the cheek, sending him sprawling against the tiger, who kicked him right back.\n\n “WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!” Charn asked, as Kuma booted the dragon back on top of his luggage with a crumpling crash. The dragon sat up, rubbing at his bleeding jaw, and shrugged complacently.\n\n\t“I guess I don’t really know, I mean I was found, just a little baby really, on the doors of the Leathermen Sex Shop, and-”\n\n “Not where were you born, faggot, where did you come from JUST NOW?!” demanded the blue bear. You don’t scare kuma-kuns and get away with it.\n\n “Oooh. That’s a tough one, I’m not sure I remember” Foxie rubbed at his chin, thoughtfully, before his face lit up. “That’s right. The Kitchen!”\n\n\tCharn squinted in disbelief. “The... kitchen?”\n\n\t\n\n\tFoxie nodded. “Yeah! I just did the dishes for you.” He seemed inordinately proud for such a menial task.\n\n\t“Uh huh.” Kuma blinked. “So no, uh.. hard feelings?”\n\n “Oh, I hope not! I mean, I wasn’t sure how to use the garbage disposal, so I had to pull all of the gunk out with my fingers, but it’s all cleaned up, now. You... you don’t mind, do you you?” the furry dragon’s eyes trembled.\n\n\tNow two sets of gears churned, as Charn and Kuma stared at the benevolent murder victim in front of them.\n\n “Do we ... mind? No. Not at all. We don’t -mind-....” Charn said, a glitter of mischief flashing in the glance he shared with Kuma.\n\n “We don’t mind at alll! You’re always welcome to help us out, little bitch, whenever you want.” Foxie buzzed and vibrated with the praise that the little purple bear heaped on him.\n\n\t“Oh, good! Good, I was so afraid that you were going to-”\n\n\t“In fact, I think I have something that you can help me with right now.” said the bear. “Let’s go outside, hmmm?”\n\n\t“Okay! I like it outside, especially on such a beautiful day like today!” \n\n\tThe backyard was smooth and flat, green in that dark way that grass is in the early morning, and while there were no birds chirping, Foxie could imagine that they would be chirping, if they had been there!\n\n\t\n\n\t“So what can I help with now, Mister Kuma sir?”\n\n\t“Well, I’d like to do some gardening! Only, as you can see, we have -no- bushes around. And I love bushes, don’t you?”\n\n\t“Bushes are great! They make rustly sounds and you can hide in them when you play-”\n\n\t\n\n\t“Yeah, they’re great. Do you think you could help me out, Foxie? Do you think you could be a bush for me?”\n\n\tFoxie’s face blanked. “You want me to ... be a bush?”\n\n\t“Yeah!” Kuma nodded, enthusiastically. “It can’t be that hard to be a bush, can it? You just have to stand there, and absorb sunshine, and wave your hands when there’s a breeze.” The little purple bear waved his arms around to demonstrate. Foxie laughed.\n\n\t“Yeah! I could do that, I think!” Foxie held his arms out wide, and smiled proudly to Kuma. “How do I look??”\n\n\tKuma frowned, turning his head to one side, then the other. “Well, pretty good, though I don’t really see the bush-ness. Can you act more.. bushy?”\n\n\tFoxie thought about it. “More... bushy?” He thought about it really hard, then put a determined look on his face. “Okay, I can do that.” He splayed his fingers, digging his toes into the ground, his tail flicking slowly in concentration. \n\n\t“I dunno,” said the tiger’s voice, coming out of the shed from behind Foxie. He had all sorts of things in his arms. “I mean, I think he’s got the flow of the bush down, but, well, he’s just a little ragged looking. He doesn’t LOOK much like a bush.”\n\n\tKuma nodded, as Charn handed him a woodsaw. Charn snapped a pair of hedge trimmers open and closed, the two circling the bushy foxdragon. \n\n\tCharn went first. “You know, Foxie, you’d look a lot better without those stupid branches coming out of your head.”\n\n\t“Stupid-” Foxie repeated, eyes widening as the tiger casually slide the metal hedge clippers around one of his horns. \n\n\tCRACkUNCH!\n\n\t“Oh, that’s weird,” Kuma said, as the tiger twisted and peeled the clipped off horn from Foxie’s skull. It was dripping something that looked kind of like boogers and kind of like pudding, all mixed together, out of the hole. “Is that supposed to happen?”\n\n\t“Chocoomondo Ice cream,” Foxie responded, his eye slowly sliding tot he right, unfocused.\n\n\t“Well, maybe that was a bit too close to the skull. I’m not really very good at this,” Charn explained. “But it does look better!”\n\n\t“Yeah, it does!”Kuma went next, taking one of the foxdragon’s fingers and wiggling it. “These are really crappy looking leaves, though. I think this whole branch is way too heavy, it really offsets the Feng Shui.”\n\n\tCharn sniffed, nodding in agreement. “Yeah, it’s kind of offputting.”\n\n\t“But dezzes fingers mine,” Foxie said, softly, with his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth. He couldn’t quite get it back in.\n\n\tKuma took the big wood saw, with it’s big triangular steel teeth, and slid it up between Foxie’s fingers. The blades nestled against the soft webbing there. He held two of Foxie’s fingers, and pushed at the handle of the blade with his other hand, the blades carving through the flesh. The skin, the tendons. Sliding between the bones, splintering the delicate frame work of the fox’s hand. All the way to the wrist, with bits of gristle and blood dripping from the end of the saw.\n\n\tFoxie screamed, his other arm flapping around, and Charn scolded him.\n\n\t“What kind of bush are you being, Foxie? A real bush wouldn’t scream just because someone trimmed it’s branches!” The scorn was heavy, and Foxie was ashamed. It was true! He had never heard a bush scream.\n\n\tHe put his arm down, as Kuma pulled the saw back down, and launched it up between the bones in his forearm. He could feel the metal squeak and creak as it scraped against the inside of his bones, shredding muscle and veins, an explosion of Foxie’s arm guts flopping out into the open. He made it all the way to the elbow, and had to really grind, jamming that blade in against the joint there, until with a nice POPPING crack, it shattered, and then Kuma pulled the saw blade free. \n\n\tFoxie stared (with the one eye that would focus) at his bisected arm, mouth wide open, just staring. It flapped loosely, bone glistening, muscle dripping blood, his brain engulfed in the pain.\n\n\t“Buh buh, whuh, whu- GLK!” Foxie had tried to say stuff, but Charn had decided against it.\n\n\t“Silly bush, bushes don’t have tongues.” He chuckled, the hedgeclippers firmly snagged around the base of Foxie’s tongue, which twitched and bulged disgustingly. HE cramped the blades shut, but the tongue did not flop out, as he would expect. It bulged more, twitching and spasming, “Ugh, stop being such a fussy little bitch!” \n\n\tHe twisted, the metal blades chipping and cracking against the dragon’s teeth, the tongue flopping upside down. Kuma had slid behind the dragon, and swung the saw blade up between the dragon’s buttcheeks, sawing and digging in. His poor taint was ground into, carved up through like a half-cooked Thanksgiving Turkey (those were the messiest kind, after all), and Foxie HEEEENED around his mouth full of hedge trimmers as it crunched up into his pelvic bones. Saws weren’t supposed to go there!\n\n\tCharn braced himself with a foot on Foxie’s chest, and with a yank, pulled that tongue right out of Foxie’s mouth. Only it wasn’t just his tongue that came out! It peeeeeeeled, you see, peeling out of the poor fox dragon’s mouth like a banana skin, pulling the skin up along the inside of his throat until it all ripped loose and slid free like the inside lining of some pink sex toy! \n\n\tFoxie would scream, probably, if he -could-, but he couldn’t, because he could see his vocal cords right there on the ground, tangled up in his throat meat!\n\n\t“Ewwww.” Charn said, poking at the foxdragon’s puddled throat lining with a foot. “Groooooossss.” \n\n\tKuma pushed the saw forward, eviscerating through Foxie’s nut-sack and balancing the very tip of his penis on the very last blade. It tickled just inside his urethra - not that tickling was the word Foxie would use to describe it. \n\n\t“Whoa, it looks like that monster thingie from that movie, the one with the monster from, you know, outer space?”\n\n\t“Oh with the hamburger golem? I remember that, what a stupid movie that was!” Charn kicked at the pile of meat, sending it skittering across the yard. He crossed his arms, scowling at Foxie for reminding him of that terrible movie. “What a stupid looking bush you turned out to be, Foxie.”\n\n\tFoxie could only blink, a tear dripping from his good eye, the yellowish gelatin leaking out of his skull hole slighty greyish now. \n\n\t“You’re like the worst bush, EVER!” Charn said, and tossed up his hands. “I’m getting a garbage bag, this is a disaster.”\n\n\tKuma shruggs, and yanked backwards. That little toothtip in Foxie’s urethra dug in, pulling at the dragon’s cock. The other teeth chewed up along his nut-sack, but that trapped cock tip was pulled back, back into the gaping wound that used to be Foxie’s groin, folded up between his hanging ballpouches and finally dislodging it self, like a hotdog but along the ruptured taint. Kima licked the blade of the saw, and tossed it away, and started to walk back to the house.\n\n\t\n\n\t“Yeah, that was a pretty dumb idea, I guess. It was still fun though!”\n\n\tHe turned back, as Foxie took a step towards him, and put his hands on his hips. “HEY! No bushes in the house! You have to stay out here tonight!”\n\n\tFoxie put his foot back down. He wanted to whimper, but he couldn’t. His cock fell out of his taint, hanging by a few tendons. \n\n\tOkay, so he had to stay out here tonight. He could do that. He was still a good bush. They would see! In the morning. They would see how good a bush he was!\n\n\tAround midnight, the coyotes came. He heard them over to the side, growling and padding around where his tongue had been tossed. \n\n\tFoxie was a little worried. Should he go inside? Would he be safe? And then he realized that all this time, he had been practicing for this moment. Coyotes were meat eaters. All he had to do, was be a BUSH, and they would have no interest in him at all.\n\n\tSo Foxie stood proud, and tall, with his one arm all ripped up, and his dripping ruptured groin, and his brain hanging out onto his cheek a little bit, and he Bushed.\n\n\tThese coyotes, apparently, were not picky eaters. They were scavengers. And look at that! Someone left a bush out all by itself to be scavenged!\n\n\tCharn and Kuma slept well that night. There were coyote howls of course, and the sound of bones breaking and meat being torn and stuff, but it’s not like anyone was -screaming- or anything.\n\n\tThe next morning, Foxie was all over the yard. There was his head, by the tool shed, with the hole in it chewed open and most of the innards tongued out. The eyes were gone, the lower jaw completely missing. There was his torso, leaning against the fence, all of the sweetmeats long stripped away, just grisly dangling tendons and cartiledge hanging beneath the ribcage. One of his legs was gone, the other chewed up like a Rennaisance fair Turkey on a Stick. There were... pieces... around too.\n\n\tCharn scowled. Why did these visiting bitches always have to be so God Damned messy? He went back inside, and rummaged under the kitchen sink. Glass vase, no, swiffer wet jet cartridge, no, waffle maker.... Charn pause, and put that up on the sink. He’d have to play with that later. AH! there it was. \n\n\tHe went back outside, with a big ole black hefty cinch sack. \n\n\t“It’s time to clean up,” he said. And he did. One arm, then a leg, then that biiiiiig ole torso. He found some tail...bones.... by the down spout. He threw in some plastic wrappers that had blown in from the neighbor’s house, too, and topped it all off with Foxie’s head. He had to squish and cram, forcing it down into the overstuffed garbage bag, but it fit, and he twisted the yellow handles into a knot, locking it up and grunting.\n\n\tHe hauled it up, past the house, tugging and dragging it over the soft green grass. He felt something bump his foot.\n\n\tWhatever.\n\n\tDown the driveway, and to the end of it, he carried that heavy bag, and finally he dropped it on the curb. Yup.\n\n\tThe bag was definitely moving. Charn watched as the bag shifted, wet sounds of things growing and reattaching being heard. It was kind of morbid and kind of fascinating but to be honest, it was also very early in the morning and Charn hadn’t had his coffee yet. He went back inside.\n\n\tSoon, a familiar looking Foxie snout pushed out of the top of the bag, between the twist ties. There was a leaf stuck to his nose, it was very cute. He wiggled a bit more, to see where he was. He couldn’t see anything!\n\n\tJust hear the sound of the bus coming back.\n\n\tThe hydraulics hissed, rolling to a stop, and Foxie wiggled in his plastic bag.\n\n\t“Hiiiiii... is this the bus to Davenport?” he asked, trying to see a peek out the bag.\n\n\t“No,” said a gruff, unenthusiastic voice. “This is the curbside pet pickup service.” He snorted, and a different voice laughed, off to the side.\n\n\tFoxie was lifted up into the air. Oh! How pleasant, he had never been picked up and chauffered around before! Kuma and Charn must be sending him out to get groomed, or something. They were so nice! And then he was airless, tossed through the air and landing with a WHUMPH on a bunch of other soft things. \n\n\t“Ouchie!” said a soft voice from below him.\n\n\t“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to land on you!” Foxie said, wiggling around in his bag. \n\n\tHe rolled over, and landed on another soft thing. “Hey! I’m sleeping here!” came a complaining voice.\n\n\t“Oh! I’m sorry, this is a really full bus! Ha ha, wow, so many new friends! Hi everyone, My name is-”\n\n\tAnd then there was a loud screaching sound, as the garbage truck hydraulics kicked in. Slowly that metal trap came down, pushing, squeezing, crushing. There were screams, there were little plastic bag bundles flailing and pushing against each other, but the heavy metal gate squished and popped and mushed all of those little bundles into each other, with so much weight, so much pressure. \n\n\tWhen they pulled back, there was just a big, flat lump, where all the wiggling bags had been. Well, there was a lot of spilled innards and stuff too, not all the bags had stayed intact. It kind of looked like the inside of a lasagna, really.\n\n\tAnd so, Foxie started another exciting morning. Who knew where he would end up? The city dump? The Pet Redistribution Center? Perhaps he’d wake back up at Charn and Kuma’s! Only time would tell.\n\n\t\n\n", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "“Oh, what a beautiful morning!” said Foxie, our intrepid hero. “I simply can not wait to meet my new friends!” The fox-fuzzed gray dragon was polishing his horns in the mirror, his tail flicking back and forth with his hips. He had a song in his heart, a plan in his head, and a speck of dirt on his snout! “Avast, yon dirt! Prepare to be WIPED!” That polishing rag swept down, obliterating the smudge from the face of existence. Or just from the face of Foxie, you can really look at it either way.

“Let’s see. Groomed, cleaned, have my bills all paid off, pets all taken care of...” Foxie peeked through his tiny little apartment, which had been stripped entirely bare. Everything, everything he had ever owned, was stuffed into a tightly bulging duffel bag, neatly zipped together.

\t

\t“So long, tiny little nook! I will miss you, it’s true, but I’m moving on to bigger and better things!”

In this case, the Bigger thing was Charn, and the Better thing was Kuma-Kun. Foxie had met them over FrostLovers, a website for fans of cupcakes and muffins. Charn had posted a recipe for “Dragon Delite”, a delicious looking concoction that involved two large dragon eggs. Foxie had +Lick’d the recipe, and commented that dragons don’t usually lay eggs, that that was a rumor. Kuma-Kun had replied back, “Well why don’t you come by and we’ll show you what kind of dragon eggs we use!”

Foxie had been ecstatic! Nobody had ever actually invited him to live with them before! He had immediately cancelled his cable, which had actually cost a lot of money, since he was ending it eleven months early, and sold his brand new Nissan Vice. Since he was in such a rush, he didn’t have the time to properly sell it for it’s FULL value, but he found a nice gray wolf who gave him a WHOLE TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS for it! Which was -just enough- to get a bus ticket to Snuffieville, Alaskansassota.

That had all been yesterday, and Yesterday, was Thursday, Thursday. Today i-is Friday, Friday.  He-he-he so excited, he so excited, he gonna have a ball today!

Foxie blinked. Had he been singing in his head again? Or out loud. He forgot which one he wasn’t allowed to do anymore. Anyways, it was exactly twenty four hours since Charn had posted that recipe, and Foxie was about to get on the bus for a new life, a new future, a new destiny!

Approximately fifteen minutes later, a big gray bus pulled up in Snuffieville, Alaskansassota, outside of a very long, winding dirt driveway. The door opened, and Foxie flew through it, landing face down on the dusty sidewalk. Oh boy! It tasted like ADVENTURE!

A duffelbag containing the accumulation of all of the windragon’s world possessions smashed into the back of his head. Mmmmmm! More adventure! And coppery tasty dragon blood!

\tHurriedly the dragon stood up, brushing himself off and hefting his bag over his shoulders.

Wow, it was kind of..lonely out here! There was only one house, set far, far away from the road, like a big beetle with dark square eyes. It peered back at him, half lurking, half stalking. He waved to it! Other than that house, though, there was not much of anything around. A burning oil derrick humped slowly, robotically at the ground in the distance, and the main highway disappeared over the horizon, taking the bus he had just left with it.

Foxie was alone.

Alone... with the FUTURE!  

There’s no time like the future to be in the present, after all!

Whistling a jaunty tune, the windragon strutted his way up the cracked concrete driveway, sidestepping a bear trap, ducking under the monofilament clothesline, and jumping blithely over a pit with a meat grinder at the bottom.

    The front door of the place was solid steel. No windows, no way to peek in or out. “Hello?” Foxie said to the great blank door. “How do I get in here, anyways?” He dropped his duffel bag on the mat, which said, simply, GTFO. Foxie rubbed at his chin. GTFO sounded familiar, where had he heard that before? Was it the name of a band?

\tHmm. OH! A doorbell!

\tFoxie’s heart soared with a happy tune, and he expressed it through that doorbell. In this particular instant, the tune was the jingle from the Meow Mix commercials, and he could hear the ding dong dinging reverberating and bouncing around inside the house. He was almost to the second chorus, when the door shook. Shook, as if someone had kicked it! The door flung open, and before Foxie’s very eyes was Charn! He was a lot shorter than the furry dragon, and.. blueish. Nevertheless, Foxie offered his paw to the chubby blue bear, smiling his biggest happiest smile.

\t“HI!”

\t“The fuck do you want?” snarled the house’s resident.

\t“Oh, ha ha, I guess I should introduce myself, I’m sorry! I’m Foxie! Foxie, the WINdragon!”

\tCharn kept staring back up at him, his baseball cap giving him the appearance of a kid. “... and?”

\t“And... well...” Foxie stepped from foot to foot, feeling a bit nervous all of a sudden. Maybe he should have double checked with Charn and Kuma, first, to make sure they had the time for a visitor, right now. “... umm, well, I mean, we were talking on FrostAffinity about cupcakes? And you said that I could come over and you would show me the dragon eggs you use?” Foxie checked the time on his phone. “I guess about an hour ago?”

\tThe little bear gawped up at the dragon, head tilting to the side. “... Huh. Well.” He looked the fellar over, up and down, and suddenly grinned in a most fiendish, yet friendly fashion. “Well then, by all means. Come on in!” Foxie jumped with joy, skittering into the house to check things out.

\t“Mmmm! It smells like cupcakes and barbecue in here!” he said, as the blue bear checked both ways to make sure that nobody had seen Foxie come in. He pulled out a keyfob, pressed a little red button, and a small mushroom cloud poofed up from the direction that the transit bus had gone.  He closed the door behind him, and with a Click, turned the deadbolt. Muahahahaha.

\t“Hey! Tiger! We have a visitor!” The blue bear said, pounding on the wall as he followed Foxie into the main living area.

\t“This is really cool, I’ve never visited anyone from the internet before. I guess it’s one of those things people are afraid to do, you know? You keep hearing about all those crazy people and everything..” Foxie was admiring the trophies on the wall, all sorts and shapes. “These look so realistic!” He reached over and rubbed the underside of a big ole horse dick, giving the spongey material a squeeze. “Wow, so lifelike!”

\t“Uh, yeah, you’d be surprised.” The bear grinned, as a taller, sleeker feline came out of the hallway. One side of his head was mussed up, his eyes still bleary. “Oh, there he is. This is the guy who actually made those cupcakes, by the way. I just ate em.”

\tThe tiger stared at Foxie blinking blankly, then looked at the bear. Then back again. Suddenly, he put up his dukes! “I didn’t break any laws!”

\t“Wha? Oh! I just came to find out where you got those dragon eggs! You see, I-OOF!” Foxie spun on one foot, the tiger having socked him squarely in the side of the face. The dragon grabbed onto something for balance, eyes still spinning in their sockets. “Oh my!”

\t“Kuma, where’s my cleaver!” the tiger said, dashing out of the room. “You hold him down!”

\t“Don’t think that’s necessary, Charn!” said the cheerful blue bear, as Foxie realized he was hanging onto the trophicized head of an angry looking lion.

\t“Oh!” Foxie said, pushing himself away. “Sorry about that, mister lion.” He turned back to Kuma, peering at the crashing sounds coming from the kitchen. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” the dragon apologized. “I didn’t realize it was such a big secret!”

\t“Oh, it’s one of the biggest. Not many people are alive that know of the special ingredients we cook with, here,” Kuma replied, with that same wide grin. “But you know? You look like a stand up, all right kind of guy. If you want, we can go into the kitchen, and me and Charn can show you the magic!”

\t“Oh, wow, would you really? That sounds really awesome!” The dragon paused, and put a hand to his mouth, spitting a tooth into it. “Oh, um, I’m sorry... do you have some place I could put this?”

\tKuma giggled and pointed to a glass vase on the coffee table. There were two very pretty blue daffodils inside it, each one quite large and sturdy. The bottom was filled with all sorts of pointy little white pebbles.  “Just throw it in there, with the others.”

\t“But I might not remember which one it is, later, when I take it to the dentist, “ the dragon complained. Still, he was a good dragon, and he did as he was told, trying to put the tooth over to the side, sticking straight up. There. That should be okay. He hoped.

\tThe kitchen was a mess. There was cupcakes, Eeeeeverywhere, most of them flat, sunken, and burnt. Others lopsided, with big air pockets. Still others seemed to have exploded, just a ‘skin’ of crumbs left lining the muffin pans. BUT! There was a wonderful looking display stand, one of those cupcake trees with multiple levels, and each of them was frosted with the most decadent, sweet, creamy looking frosting, in shades and hues of dark red to purple.

\t“Oh!” said the dragon, his heart thudding heavily in his chest. Dragons love cupcakes, as everyone knows, and the sweet little Foxie couldn’t -help- but reach out to swipe some frosting from the closest of the cupcakes.

\tTHUMP!

\tFoxie stared at the cupcakes. Then he stared at his arm. Then he stared at where his hand would be, if it had still been attached. but it wasn’t! It was on the table! Right next to the cleaver that had chopped it off. He looked at the tiger who had just chopped his hand off, his eyes watering.

\t“I did -NOT- say you could touch those cupcakes!” said the tiger, pulling the cleaver out of the table and glaring at the dragon. Neither of them seemed to notice, or care, at the blood spouting from the end of the dragon’s wrist, staining the tiger’s front a dark red.

\t“I... I’m sorry!” the dragon whimpered. “I didn’t mean to upset you!” He stared at the floor in humiliation. How could he have been -so- rude! Those weren’t his cupcakes! Why would have ever thought he could have had one! He sniffled, feeling terrible.

\t“Do you have -aaaaany- ideas how long it took, how many dragon eggs it took to get the recipe -just- -right- for cupcakes?” the tiger gestured around the kitchen, the ruined pans, the mistakes littered everywhere. “I had to buy them in bulk from Taiwan! We totally ruined the local supply!”

\t“Well, you -did- raid the dragon roosts,” the bear replied dryly, leaning against the wall and casually taking one of the cupcakes. It was a big handful, of course, a big heavy treat just the right size for bears his size. He chewed into the soft, fluffy pastry, getting the frosting all over his lips, cheek, even on his nose. “Mmm, this is TOTALLY good. I can see why you gave up your hand trying to get one! It’s -perrrrfffffect!” Drawing out the F in ‘perfect’ had the effect of spraying spittle and cupcake crumbs all over Foxie’s muzzle, and the pale-looking dragon licked at some of it.

\t“Mmmm!” he said, agreeing with the bear. “They taste so good, they remind me of something I had a long time ago, back when I was just a whelp. Tastes like...” He tried to think, even as blood splattered and dripped down his thigh from his still bleeding arm. What did it taste like? He licked out over his cheek again, over his nose. Well that tasted like nose. Paprika? Persimmon? Dill?

\tUrk!

\tThe tiger had grabbed his tongue! And with a yank, the dragon felt his head yanked down onto the table, his own severed paw acting as a pillow for his chin. “Fuff fiff I fooooo???” he asked, but the tiger had that same angry look on his face.

\t“I -said- you couldn’t have any of the cupcakes. You must be the stupidest dragon I’ve ever come across, and I’ve come across plenty in my time!” The cleaver was wiped off against the fox’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” T-shirt, leaving a red mustache on the grinning yellow wal-mart face. His fingers tightened on the dragon’s  tongue, and he pulled the sinuous pink ribbon out of the poor squirming guy’s muzzle, until Foxie was sure it was going to come right out.

\tThen he felt the edge of the cleaver, on the back of his neck. Were they going to chop off his head?! That was going to make such a mess! Fortunately, the cleaver was just rested there for the tiger to get a better grip on the handle, and with another thunk, it slammed into the table, skimming the dragon’s nose and clipping the flesh from the other side of it. The tiger’s hand came up, holding that now limp pink tongue, and he waggled it in the air.

\t“Whatcha think, Kuma? Do you imagine we could stuff this like a sausage?”

\t

\t“Probably not. Maybe use it as cooking twine, that’s about it, though.” Kuma yawned. “That cupcake was great and all, and I think Foxie’s learned not to eat your cupcakes, buuuut, he didn’t come here to get slowly and systematically tortured to death, Charn.” The tiger looked chastised. “He came here to find out about DRAGON eggs! Which he says don’t exist!”

\tFoxie reached into his mouth, able to stand again. His mouth felt weird! Empty! The stump of his tongue waggled around in his mouth, without all the weight he was used to. He nodded though, to the tiger and the bear alike. The bear, for his part, had taken the severed tongue and stuck the chopped end in his mouth, with the long pink thing wiggling everywhere. IT was comical, and the dragon laughed, spraying blood across the table. He covered his mouth, mortified. “Urp, uff, mm smowwee?” He tucked his tail between his legs. This was so embarrassing! He was spilling blood all over the kitchen, the floor, his shirt. He hoped they weren’t going to get mad at him for making such a mess!

\t“Well, dragon eggs, DO exist. They’re just hard to get at. But, come along, now, you are ooooobviously tired from the road.” The tiger grinned to the dragon. “Why don’t you take all of those clothes off, mm? We’ll get those stains out of them.”

\t“O, orrkay.” the dragon struggled with his shirt, pulling it half way over his shoulders, and over his head. Being unable to grab the other side of it was posing a problem, though. Damn lost fingers! He flicked and hunched and tried to wiggle out of the shirt, as the other two laughed at him.

\t“What a moron, he can’t even get his shirt off!”

\t“You sure know how to pick them! What should we do with the hand?”

\t“Eh. Go leave it in one of the candy bins at the supermarket?”

\t“Yeah, could do that again, I guess. Do you need any help, Foxie?”

\tThe dragon blurbled from the other side of the shirt, starting to stagger around. He had it! He wasn’t some whelpling who couldn’t even dress himself!

\t“You’re such a little bitch. Would you stop flailing?” Hands grabbed the dragon’s hips, holding him still, and he grunted as he felt a thump into his lean belly. He doubled over, the wind knocked out of him, and more paws grabbed at his shirt, pulling it slowly up and over his arms. Those paws on his hips gripped his shorts, pulling down and stripping them down his legs. Foxie was -naked-. Naked, in front of -strangers-! Though they weren’t really strangers, were they, after all they -had- invited him into their home! They were his friends! Foxie was their friend, too!

\tHe stood back up, feeling the other two sizing him up, and self-consciously moved to cover his hanging testicles and the cock that hung limply from a sheath far too small to hide it. Foxie unfortunately needed two hands to cover everything, though, which just wasn’t an option now. He decided to cover his peepee, for now, since he could always cover the rest later.

\t“Well there you go. See, little bitch?” Foxie blushed harder as he realized the bear was referring to him. He didn’t know what he was supposed to see, but he nodded anyways. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,. He sees it too. Two big ole dragon eggs left.”

\t

\tThe tiger rubbed at his chin, hmmming. “Yeah, I see. Pretty nice, too.”

\t

\tFoxie peered around him. Eggs? Where? He didn’t see any eggs, just used up pans and pots and empty bags of bone meal and- Oh!

\t

\tThe bear had grabbed his nuts!  He stared down at the hand gripping his eggs, then back to the bear who held them, swallowing hard.

\t“These eggs, silly. These are what we use for our cupcakes. Don’t you want to see hooooooowwwww?”

\tWell it would be rude not to, especially when they were nice enough to let him in their house and give him a taste of their cupcakes. Slooowly, Foxie nodded, and then tottered to the table where his hand still laid, as the bear dragged him along. He grunted as they were laid on the table, and peered around for the tiger and the butcher’s cleaver. They were going to lop them off!

\tOnly, he found out, they -weren’t-. The bear pulled and stretched his nuts down low, and playfully batted at his hose. “Aww, what a cute little bitch-dick!” He laughed. “Seriously, how did you not realize what kind of eggs we were using. It says right in the recipe that you have to pluck them fresh from MALE dragons, wasn’t that a clue?”

\tFoxie whined. He was so stupid! Of course he hadn’t even thought about it, and now he felt like the biggest idiot in the world. He had seen the pictures of them doing something with some tied up dragon guy, but he had thought they had just posted the wrong pictures.

\tKuma grabbed the dragon’s scrotum. “Wanna see something COOOOL?” He nodded, of course Foxie did. Kuma always had the best tricks, and even if Foxie didn’t know that -yet-, it was something that, intuitively, -everyone- knew. He YANKED! And like the magician with a fully set table, he pulled the dragon’s scrotum off completely, leaving his nuts just sitting on the dirty table. “Taaahdaa!” Splat! The scrotum fell to the floor.

\tThe tiger came back with a bowl full of flour and some brown spices. “NOw this is the most important part, Bitch.” He gathered up the dragon’s ‘eggs’, and dropped them over the edge of the bowl, where they hung by their cords. They were wet, and the flour instantly caked to them.

\t“Charrrrrn,” Kuma said in a sing song voice, as he slowly pushed the restaurant grade dough mixer over, and helped slide the bowl into place. Foxie stared down at his nuts, resting on top of the flour, as the mixer’s giant two paddles pushed down along side of them. This was probably not going to end well for his balls. “You knoooow you’re supposed to crack the eggs into the batter, riiiiight?”

\t

\t“I know, I know, but let’s just call it... creative license! One second, fucktard,” the tiger replied, elbowing the dragon in the belly and grabbing hold of his soft, limp shaft. SNIP! A pair of poultry shears clipped it right off, without so much as a warm stroke to plump it up first. “You let me get to the cooking, and you get to this!” He tossed the severed dick to the bear, who grabbed at it, juggling it from hand to hand before it landed on the ground. HE picked it up, making a face. “Gross, it has dirt n crumbs on it now.”

\t“Well go do your thing with it. Oh! And...” the tiger sniffed at Foxie, who stared back with wide, innocent eyes. The tiger leaned in and bit a chunk out of the dragon’s shoulder. “Hmm. Tastes like... yeah, let’s do a Key lime frosting this time.”

\t“Sure thing!” the bear trotted out with the dragon’s penis, leaving Foxie alone with the sound of the mixing machine. Whirrrrr! The tiger had turned it on!

\tThe dragon turned back, just in time to see those two paddles sheave together  and then separate, circling around inside the mixing bowl before closing in on one of his testicles. IT was ground, rolled along the edge of the bowl a bit, before finally scooped up by the leftern paddle. Foxie braced himself, as he watch the two paddles shear together, again. With his ball between them.

\tSPLATCH!

\tFoxie shuddered as his testicle exploded from the mechanical pressure, silken guts spilling into the dry powder in the bowl. He whimpered, the flour drying his testicles’ innards out, instantly seeming to mummify the tender, moist vesicles. The pain was excruciating. He wasn’t even close to being used to it, when they circled back. He knew that pulling his remaining nut out of the way of those paddles would be incredibly rude, so he braced himself, and watched as those two paddles scoops his ball up between them. It distended, tougher than the other one, as the two edges of those big spatulas dug deeper and deeper into the sides, nearly pinching it in half. Totally together, it would seem, and then pulling back away from each other. His nut hadn’t popped!

\tThe tiger scowled! “Hey, your nut has to pop or it’s going to ruin the mix!”

\t“I’m sorry, um, um!” The blades scooped back around, the flour more of a gritty paste now with the other nut mixed into it so well, and crushed his ball again. He squeaked, legs going weak. “Is there some other way to, I mean, what if it’s just too tough?”

\t“I haven’t found I couldn’t pop,” the tiger muttered. He pressed a button, and those spatulas swung around faster. This time, the testicle didn’t have the chance to compress. They clapped together through the dragon’s ball, and with a high pitched squeal, Foxie’s masculinity was annulled.

\tWith his testicles destroyed, and being slowly churned into muffin-batter, Foxie was free to slump against the table. Maybe it was the shock of what had happened, or the exhilaration of being in the company of such awesome dudes as Kuma and Charn, but Foxie was feeling light headed! He stepped away from the table, legs shaky as the machine churned and whipped and beat his eggs into the paste, making a thick, gluey batter.

\t“I feel kind of... tired... do you think I could close my eyes for a bit?”

\tThe tiger chuckled, and patted him on the shoulder. “Of course you can. Here, I have a place for you right here.”

\t

\tFoxie felt himself lifted up, the tiger’s long arms scooping underneath his thighs and under his shoulders, and he was gently laid out across the kitchen table. The mixing machine made a steady, relaxing rhythm, and the abused, naked, nulloed dragon yawned all cutely. He would just close his eyes, for a bit, and when he woke up...

\t“Oh, hey, slut?” It was Kuma talking, and Foxie opened up his eyes. Kuma was standing over him, eyes glittering, and an axe over his head. “NIGHTY NIGHT!”

\tTHUMP!

\tThe pain of having his head chopped off with an axe was not as strong as the shock of the metal resting against his throat. THe blame had gone clear through his adam’s apple,and as he swallowed, he felt his throat flesh twitch, pulling away from the metal. His whole body was numb! It was an incredible sensation, even as the blue bear’s fingers grabbed hold of his horns, lifting him up from the table.

\tCharn walked up behind the bear, who turned Foxie’s head around to face them. IT was so strange, so weightless. The dragon felt like he was a balloon, floating through the area. The tiger studied him over Kuma’s shoulder, the bear still grinning up at him.

\t“Hmm,” said the tiger, rubbing at his chin. “Wanna fuck him?”

\t“Um, of COURSE!” the bear replied.

\t

\tFoxie’s head was turned down, and his eyes would have widened, if he had had the strength to do so. The bear’s fat dick was jutting up, proud and stiff and looking painfully wide. Kuma brought that head down, and Foxie prepared to taste the dick of the nice bear who had let him into his home, but instead he was turned, facing away from the bear’s stump.

\tSomething was in his throat!

\tKuma Kun was in his throat! The bear’s fat spike wiggled and pressed up, and the dragon thought he was vomiting at first, especially when it pressed up against the back of his tonsils. He gagged, mouth opening, but obviously nothing came out. Even his tongue stump had stopped bleeding!

\tOrange paws reached for his cheeks, and he looked up to see the tiger leering down at him. “You got an ugly mouth, bitch,” the tiger said, prying it open. “But I’ll fuck it anyways.”

\tThe tiger’s own shaft was a little longer, but not as thick. Foxie realized with dismay that he wasn’t going to get a chance to taste it after all, since his tongue was gone! But it pressed into his mouth anyways, sliding in just enough to press up against the room of his mouth, cramming Kuma’s back against his tonsils. Foxie tried to heave again, his poor gag reflex triggering again, but there was just nothing to come up!

\tNow, normally, a normal person, you cut off their head, and any life that’s left in them fades away in a matter of seconds. Blood loss, oxygen deprivation, traumatic shock, all of these things snuffs out a life faster than, well, pretty much everything else except hollow point bullets, nuclear explosions, or Michelle Bachmann. Foxie was a windragon, though, a sort of half breed throw back to Normal furries. More like a chicken than a man, you might say. Maybe his frontal cortex just wasn’t as fully developed, or maybe it was some sort of evolutionary advantage, but you lop off a windragon’s head, that windragon is going to keep talking and seeing and feeling things, well those things connected to their head anyways, for a good twenty minutes.

\tKuma and Charn’s spit roasting of that severed head took about fifteen of those minutes. It was awkward at first, the two roommates vying for the right angles, getting their pacing down so that they weren’t slamming cockheads into each other, making sure the mixer didn’t over whip the cupcake batter. The usual.  After seven minutes or so, they had it down pretty good though.

\t“Yeah, this is okay. That buck was better, though.”  the tiger commented, his hip bones slowly crunching Foxie’s snout into hamburger. “You get his dick all done up?”

\t“Oh! Yeah, here.” something cold and wet and floppy fell over Foxie’s eyes, and he looked up as the tiger lifted it. It was... it was his penis! Only it was ... flat! Like it was just the skin left! The tiger inspected the tip of it, nodding, hips easily hunching into the severed head.

\t“Yeah that’ll work. You want to use the usual for this?”

\t“Yeah, that would be great, I think they’re big and soft enough to work perfectly.”

\t“Cool beans.” the tiger passed the empty dick sleeve back to the bear, who brough the open end, where the shaft had been attached to his body, down to Foxie’s muzzle. He slipped it over his eye, his left eye, immersing it in a sort of ruddish blackness. Then he felt suction on the other end.

\t

\tSlrrrrrrp! SLRrrrrrrp! Kuma sucked on the other end of the cockskin, like a siphon, and the fox was helpless to stop it. Slrrrp! Slrrrrrp! He felt his eye bulging in it’s socket.

\tSLRRRRRRRRPPPHHHHHH-floop!

\tIt was still connected by the cord, but the dragon’s eye was sucked out of it’s socket, the soft gelatin sliding up the length of the dickskin. The bear moved the pseudostraw over to the other eyeball, repeating the process, until two straining eyecords ran from the dragon’s breain into his emptied cock skin.

\tKuma mashed those eyes together with his fingers! Squish Splop splut splat! The two eyes being rendered into a thick gooey paste, the cords now slithered back to drape over his cheeks like thick tear trails. This was about the time that the two cupcake bakers reached their climax, each of them comically driving themselves in, hilting in the dragon’s two orifices. Their tips bent each other’s back and upwards, so that they each jammed into the back of his throat, up against the back of the dragon’s sinus passages, and thick, hot seed shot directly up into the dragon’s brain.

\tChicken brained or not, nobody can survive having two dudes ejaculating directly through their brain matter. Not even superman could survive that! Foxie certainly couldn’t! When the two dudes pulled their softening dicks out of his ruined skull, the dragon’s sinuses prolapsed, and his scrambled brains slithered out onto the floor in a big slurry of blood, mucus, and semen.

\t“Gross!”

\tThe cupcakes, of course, were absolutely delicious. When you combine such quality ingredients with the love and care that these two put into their work, you can’t help but get a masterpiece. Kuma put the finishing touches on them, of course, using his cockskin icing bag to pipe out a slurry of eyeball frosting over the steaming cupcakes, dyed a greenish brown. They were set out on the windowsill over night to cool, and the two exhausted roommates decided to clean up in the morning.

\tCharn woke up in the morning to the sound of things banging and crashing around in the kitchen. He sat upright, eyes blinking. Who the fuck interrupts a sleeping tiger? Someone who’s about to be two nuts lighter, that’s who. He tiptoed to his door, the sunlight peeking in at playing over the rippling stripes of the sleek predator. The door opened.

\tThere was more banging sounds, out in the kitchen. Had someone come to steal their cupcakes? Fucking internet thieves. Charn stalked down the hallway. He swung around the corner.

\tThere was... a hideous monstrosity there! It was a furry dragon thing, a vaguely familiar thing. It turned towards the tiger, and Charn recognized it’s face. It was that dragon from the day before! He had come back. And he was sporting a boner!

BACK FROM THE DEAD!

WITH AN UNDEAD ERECTION!!!

\t“HOLY SHIT!” The tiger let out a completely unmasculine squeal, the kind of squeal you would never ever EVER read about in any of the stories that circulate around on the internet, his tail frizzing out to twice it’s normal width. “ZOMBIE!” and then, correcting himself, “HORNY ZOMBIE!!!!”

\tCharn had been preparing himself for this for years now. He knew the apocalypse was going to come eventually. He leapt towards the thing, snatching the cast iron skillet from the hook over the stove, even as the foul, demonic thing cracked it’s lips in a smile.

\t“Oh, hi Cha-”THWANK!” The left side of the dragon’s head dented in under the swing of the pan, his horn imbedding itself deep into his brain. One of his eyes popped out, rupturing down over his face. The dragon immediately raised his arms! “No! Wait!”

\t“You’re DEAD!” The tiger shouted swinging it at the windragon’s erection the edge of the rim of the pan launching it across the room like a golfball. The dragon squealed, backing into the corner.

\t“WHY WON’T YOU DIIIIIE” the tiger fumed, baseball swinging the pan directly into the dragon’s snout, the ten pounds of iron pushing the dragon jaw bones out through the back of his skull, with arterial blood spraying all over the neatly stacked pans and dishes.

\tCharn was pretty sure that the dragon was down for the count, the body slumping down onto the floor, motionless, but you can never be sure! He brought it down over that head, again and again and again, until there was nothing left except purplish oatmeal above the dragon’s shoulders.

\tCharn stood up, wiping off his cheek with his forearm. “Fuckin’ zombies.” He grunted... then turned. That was odd.

\tThe kitchen was ... spotless! All of the cupcake pans cleaned, the over and stove gleaming! Even the floor had been swiffered! Zombies don’t normally do pots and pans... do they? Was there something Hollywood had been hiding from him all these years?

\tCharn peered dubiously down at the corpse on the floor, gears slowly turning in his head.

\t

\tCharn peered dubiously down at the corpse on the floor, gears slowly turning in his head.

\tThey had pretty much dismembered the FUCK out of him. That dragon was dead. Dead dead Chances-of-Sarah-Palin-as-Democratic-Nominee DEAD. So what had he been doing, still alive?

\tMore intriguingly...

\tWhy had he been doing the dishes??

\tThis was just too puzzling. He trotted down the hall, knocking on Kuma’s bedroom door.

\t“Rgghghlz.”

\t

\t“Kuma, ther’s something wrong.”

\t“nnnnzzv.”

\t

\t“No. I mean, there’s something -WEIRD- going on.”

\tKuma’s door swung open, the blueish purple bear grinning brightly under his bright red cap. “Something Weeeeeeird?”

\t“Yeah, something Weeeeeeeeeeeeeird. That dragon guy came back.”

\tKuma frowned. “That’s odd. I didn’t bring him back.”

\t“I didn’t think you did! He didn’t seem to be the type to be interesting enough to bring back, you know? He had the personality of polenta.”

\t“Yeah, boring as fuck. Well, I didn’t bring him back, either.” Charn stepped closer, pushing his foot against the pop-skulled dragon’s lower jaw. No response. He slid his toes into the dragon’s mouth, pinching at the narrow tongue between them. He pulled back, and the tongue stretched, completely flaccid. “Weird.”

    “Maybe it’s his twin?” he offered, though that was a dumb idea and they both knew it. Kuma’s security system was unique, unhackable, and resulted in intruders having a black hole inserted up their asshole. So unless he had snuck in through the dragon’s luggage..

    “Wait, his luggage!” They both exclaimed at once, running over to the forgotten knapsack. They ripped it open, and the innards of the foxdragon’s most sacred possessions spilled out onto the living room floor. The two roommates knelt, and began rifling through them. Kuma pulled out a sticky magazine.

“‘How to Train Your Dragon Monthly’?” he asked, face blank. “Why are all the pages glued togeth- oh. Ew.” He tossed it into the fireplace. FWOOSH!

“This looks like a hoagie”, Charn countered, peeling the saran wrap off. “... and it only has pickles and mustard inside.” His face turned slightly green. FWOOSH!

“I found a CD! ‘Everyone Poops, the Audio Book’. Seriously? The fuck is wrong with this asshole?”

Charn shook his head, and pulled up a little plastic figurine, of  a white rabbit with blue goggles and big spikey ears. He peered at it. Something about it seemed... familiar. Hmm.

“Anything?” asked Kuma, fiddling through a photo album before tossing it into the crackling flames.

\t“Just this, really. Seems like a bust. No arcane relics. No alien artifacts. Not even a flash drive.” The tiger sighed.

\t“Hey guys! Whatcha doin?” asked Foxie, sitting down next to the two carnivores.

\t“EEEEEEEEEEEEK!” screamed Charn.

\t“EEEEEEEEEEEEK!” screamed Foxie!

\t  Kuma screamed, “EEEEEEEEEEEEK!”

\tFoxie screamed, “EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”

\t

    The tiger and the bear jumped to their feet, the bear kicking the dragon in the cheek, sending him sprawling against the tiger, who kicked him right back.

    “WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!” Charn asked, as Kuma booted the dragon back on top of his luggage with a crumpling crash. The dragon sat up, rubbing at his bleeding jaw, and shrugged complacently.

\t“I guess I don’t really know, I mean I was found, just a little baby really, on the doors of the Leathermen Sex Shop, and-”

    “Not where were you born, faggot, where did you come from JUST NOW?!” demanded the blue bear. You don’t scare kuma-kuns and get away with it.

    “Oooh. That’s a tough one, I’m not sure I remember” Foxie rubbed at his chin, thoughtfully, before his face lit up. “That’s right. The Kitchen!”

\tCharn squinted in disbelief. “The... kitchen?”

\t

\tFoxie nodded. “Yeah! I just did the dishes for you.” He seemed inordinately proud for such a menial task.

\t“Uh huh.” Kuma blinked. “So no, uh.. hard feelings?”

    “Oh, I hope not! I mean, I wasn’t sure how to use the garbage disposal, so I had to pull all of the gunk out with my fingers, but it’s all cleaned up, now. You... you don’t mind, do you you?” the furry dragon’s eyes trembled.

\tNow two sets of gears churned, as Charn and Kuma stared at the benevolent murder victim in front of them.

    “Do we ... mind? No. Not at all. We don’t -mind-....” Charn said, a glitter of mischief flashing in the glance he shared with Kuma.

    “We don’t mind at alll! You’re always welcome to help us out, little bitch, whenever you want.” Foxie buzzed and vibrated with the praise that the little purple bear heaped on him.

\t“Oh, good! Good, I was so afraid that you were going to-”

\t“In fact, I think I have something that you can help me with right now.” said the bear. “Let’s go outside, hmmm?”

\t“Okay! I like it outside, especially on such a beautiful day like today!”

\tThe backyard was smooth and flat, green in that dark way that grass is in the early morning, and while there were no birds chirping, Foxie could imagine that they would be chirping, if they had been there!

\t

\t“So what can I help with now, Mister Kuma sir?”

\t“Well, I’d like to do some gardening! Only, as you can see, we have -no- bushes around. And I love bushes, don’t you?”

\t“Bushes are great! They make rustly sounds and you can hide in them when you play-”

\t

\t“Yeah, they’re great. Do you think you could help me out, Foxie? Do you think you could be a bush for me?”

\tFoxie’s face blanked. “You want me to ... be a bush?”

\t“Yeah!” Kuma nodded, enthusiastically. “It can’t be that hard to be a bush, can it? You just have to stand there, and absorb sunshine, and wave your hands when there’s a breeze.” The little purple bear waved his arms around to demonstrate. Foxie laughed.

\t“Yeah! I could do that, I think!” Foxie held his arms out wide, and smiled proudly to Kuma. “How do I look??”

\tKuma frowned, turning his head to one side, then the other. “Well, pretty good, though I don’t really see the bush-ness. Can you act more.. bushy?”

\tFoxie thought about it. “More... bushy?” He thought about it really hard, then put a determined look on his face. “Okay, I can do that.” He splayed his fingers, digging his toes into the ground, his tail flicking slowly in concentration.

\t“I dunno,” said the tiger’s voice, coming out of the shed from behind Foxie. He had all sorts of things in his arms. “I mean, I think he’s got the flow of the bush down, but, well, he’s just a little ragged looking. He doesn’t LOOK much like a bush.”

\tKuma nodded, as Charn handed him a woodsaw. Charn snapped a pair of hedge trimmers open and closed, the two circling the bushy foxdragon.

\tCharn went first. “You know, Foxie, you’d look a lot better without those stupid branches coming out of your head.”

\t“Stupid-” Foxie repeated, eyes widening as the tiger casually slide the metal hedge clippers around one of his horns.

\tCRACkUNCH!

\t“Oh, that’s weird,” Kuma said, as the tiger twisted and peeled the clipped off horn from Foxie’s skull. It was dripping something that looked kind of like boogers and kind of like pudding, all mixed together, out of the hole. “Is that supposed to happen?”

\t“Chocoomondo Ice cream,” Foxie responded, his eye slowly sliding tot he right, unfocused.

\t“Well, maybe that was a bit too close to the skull. I’m not really very good at this,” Charn explained. “But it does look better!”

\t“Yeah, it does!”Kuma went next, taking one of the foxdragon’s fingers and wiggling it. “These are really crappy looking leaves, though. I think this whole branch is way too heavy, it really offsets the Feng Shui.”

\tCharn sniffed, nodding in agreement. “Yeah, it’s kind of offputting.”

\t“But dezzes fingers mine,” Foxie said, softly, with his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth. He couldn’t quite get it back in.

\tKuma took the big wood saw, with it’s big triangular steel teeth, and slid it up between Foxie’s fingers. The blades nestled against the soft webbing there. He held two of Foxie’s fingers, and pushed at the handle of the blade with his other hand, the blades carving through the flesh. The skin, the tendons. Sliding between the bones, splintering the delicate frame work of the fox’s hand. All the way to the wrist, with bits of gristle and blood dripping from the end of the saw.

\tFoxie screamed, his other arm flapping around, and Charn scolded him.

\t“What kind of bush are you being, Foxie? A real bush wouldn’t scream just because someone trimmed it’s branches!” The scorn was heavy, and Foxie was ashamed. It was true! He had never heard a bush scream.

\tHe put his arm down, as Kuma pulled the saw back down, and launched it up between the bones in his forearm. He could feel the metal squeak and creak as it scraped against the inside of his bones, shredding muscle and veins, an explosion of Foxie’s arm guts flopping out into the open. He made it all the way to the elbow, and had to really grind, jamming that blade in against the joint there, until with a nice POPPING crack, it shattered, and then Kuma pulled the saw blade free.

\tFoxie stared (with the one eye that would focus) at his bisected arm, mouth wide open, just staring. It flapped loosely, bone glistening, muscle dripping blood, his brain engulfed in the pain.

\t“Buh buh, whuh, whu- GLK!” Foxie had tried to say stuff, but Charn had decided against it.

\t“Silly bush, bushes don’t have tongues.” He chuckled, the hedgeclippers firmly snagged around the base of Foxie’s tongue, which twitched and bulged disgustingly. HE cramped the blades shut, but the tongue did not flop out, as he would expect. It bulged more, twitching and spasming, “Ugh, stop being such a fussy little bitch!”

\tHe twisted, the metal blades chipping and cracking against the dragon’s teeth, the tongue flopping upside down. Kuma had slid behind the dragon, and swung the saw blade up between the dragon’s buttcheeks, sawing and digging in. His poor taint was ground into, carved up through like a half-cooked Thanksgiving Turkey (those were the messiest kind, after all), and Foxie HEEEENED around his mouth full of hedge trimmers as it crunched up into his pelvic bones. Saws weren’t supposed to go there!

\tCharn braced himself with a foot on Foxie’s chest, and with a yank, pulled that tongue right out of Foxie’s mouth. Only it wasn’t just his tongue that came out! It peeeeeeeled, you see, peeling out of the poor fox dragon’s mouth like a banana skin, pulling the skin up along the inside of his throat until it all ripped loose and slid free like the inside lining of some pink sex toy!

\tFoxie would scream, probably, if he -could-, but he couldn’t, because he could see his vocal cords right there on the ground, tangled up in his throat meat!

\t“Ewwww.” Charn said, poking at the foxdragon’s puddled throat lining with a foot. “Groooooossss.”

\tKuma pushed the saw forward, eviscerating through Foxie’s nut-sack and balancing the very tip of his penis on the very last blade. It tickled just inside his urethra - not that tickling was the word Foxie would use to describe it.

\t“Whoa, it looks like that monster thingie from that movie, the one with the monster from, you know, outer space?”

\t“Oh with the hamburger golem? I remember that, what a stupid movie that was!” Charn kicked at the pile of meat, sending it skittering across the yard. He crossed his arms, scowling at Foxie for reminding him of that terrible movie. “What a stupid looking bush you turned out to be, Foxie.”

\tFoxie could only blink, a tear dripping from his good eye, the yellowish gelatin leaking out of his skull hole slighty greyish now.

\t“You’re like the worst bush, EVER!” Charn said, and tossed up his hands. “I’m getting a garbage bag, this is a disaster.”

\tKuma shruggs, and yanked backwards. That little toothtip in Foxie’s urethra dug in, pulling at the dragon’s cock. The other teeth chewed up along his nut-sack, but that trapped cock tip was pulled back, back into the gaping wound that used to be Foxie’s groin, folded up between his hanging ballpouches and finally dislodging it self, like a hotdog but along the ruptured taint. Kima licked the blade of the saw, and tossed it away, and started to walk back to the house.

\t

\t“Yeah, that was a pretty dumb idea, I guess. It was still fun though!”

\tHe turned back, as Foxie took a step towards him, and put his hands on his hips. “HEY! No bushes in the house! You have to stay out here tonight!”

\tFoxie put his foot back down. He wanted to whimper, but he couldn’t. His cock fell out of his taint, hanging by a few tendons.

\tOkay, so he had to stay out here tonight. He could do that. He was still a good bush. They would see! In the morning. They would see how good a bush he was!

\tAround midnight, the coyotes came. He heard them over to the side, growling and padding around where his tongue had been tossed.

\tFoxie was a little worried. Should he go inside? Would he be safe? And then he realized that all this time, he had been practicing for this moment. Coyotes were meat eaters. All he had to do, was be a BUSH, and they would have no interest in him at all.

\tSo Foxie stood proud, and tall, with his one arm all ripped up, and his dripping ruptured groin, and his brain hanging out onto his cheek a little bit, and he Bushed.

\tThese coyotes, apparently, were not picky eaters. They were scavengers. And look at that! Someone left a bush out all by itself to be scavenged!

\tCharn and Kuma slept well that night. There were coyote howls of course, and the sound of bones breaking and meat being torn and stuff, but it’s not like anyone was -screaming- or anything.

\tThe next morning, Foxie was all over the yard. There was his head, by the tool shed, with the hole in it chewed open and most of the innards tongued out. The eyes were gone, the lower jaw completely missing. There was his torso, leaning against the fence, all of the sweetmeats long stripped away, just grisly dangling tendons and cartiledge hanging beneath the ribcage. One of his legs was gone, the other chewed up like a Rennaisance fair Turkey on a Stick. There were... pieces... around too.

\tCharn scowled. Why did these visiting bitches always have to be so God Damned messy? He went back inside, and rummaged under the kitchen sink. Glass vase, no, swiffer wet jet cartridge, no, waffle maker.... Charn pause, and put that up on the sink. He’d have to play with that later. AH! there it was.

\tHe went back outside, with a big ole black hefty cinch sack.

\t“It’s time to clean up,” he said. And he did. One arm, then a leg, then that biiiiiig ole torso. He found some tail...bones.... by the down spout. He threw in some plastic wrappers that had blown in from the neighbor’s house, too, and topped it all off with Foxie’s head. He had to squish and cram, forcing it down into the overstuffed garbage bag, but it fit, and he twisted the yellow handles into a knot, locking it up and grunting.

\tHe hauled it up, past the house, tugging and dragging it over the soft green grass. He felt something bump his foot.

\tWhatever.

\tDown the driveway, and to the end of it, he carried that heavy bag, and finally he dropped it on the curb. Yup.

\tThe bag was definitely moving. Charn watched as the bag shifted, wet sounds of things growing and reattaching being heard. It was kind of morbid and kind of fascinating but to be honest, it was also very early in the morning and Charn hadn’t had his coffee yet. He went back inside.

\tSoon, a familiar looking Foxie snout pushed out of the top of the bag, between the twist ties. There was a leaf stuck to his nose, it was very cute. He wiggled a bit more, to see where he was. He couldn’t see anything!

\tJust hear the sound of the bus coming back.

\tThe hydraulics hissed, rolling to a stop, and Foxie wiggled in his plastic bag.

\t“Hiiiiii... is this the bus to Davenport?” he asked, trying to see a peek out the bag.

\t“No,” said a gruff, unenthusiastic voice. “This is the curbside pet pickup service.” He snorted, and a different voice laughed, off to the side.

\tFoxie was lifted up into the air. Oh! How pleasant, he had never been picked up and chauffered around before! Kuma and Charn must be sending him out to get groomed, or something. They were so nice! And then he was airless, tossed through the air and landing with a WHUMPH on a bunch of other soft things.

\t“Ouchie!” said a soft voice from below him.

\t“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to land on you!” Foxie said, wiggling around in his bag.

\tHe rolled over, and landed on another soft thing. “Hey! I’m sleeping here!” came a complaining voice.

\t“Oh! I’m sorry, this is a really full bus! Ha ha, wow, so many new friends! Hi everyone, My name is-”

\tAnd then there was a loud screaching sound, as the garbage truck hydraulics kicked in. Slowly that metal trap came down, pushing, squeezing, crushing. There were screams, there were little plastic bag bundles flailing and pushing against each other, but the heavy metal gate squished and popped and mushed all of those little bundles into each other, with so much weight, so much pressure.

\tWhen they pulled back, there was just a big, flat lump, where all the wiggling bags had been. Well, there was a lot of spilled innards and stuff too, not all the bags had stayed intact. It kind of looked like the inside of a lasagna, really.

\tAnd so, Foxie started another exciting morning. Who knew where he would end up? The city dump? The Pet Redistribution Center? Perhaps he’d wake back up at Charn and Kuma’s! Only time would tell.

\t

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