Monk Oleander was played by
\n\t\t\t\t\tdeleterThe script is posted below!
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[Monk Oleander is a man who loves Exedese and speaks very calmly and happily about the beast. He does not get too overly excited, taking it all in stride.]
[Exedese is pronounced Ecks-eh-deez.]
Record Number 841. The Blessed Event. Monk Oleander.
[Relaxing music playing]
It is too bad about Initiate Stephen. He never did end up achieving monk status. Only yesterday, he was seen screaming directly at the anus of Exedese. Perhaps he heard the voice of the universe from within. If so, then he must have been more enlightened than we thought. I had been tasked in cleaning the great doughnut of Exedese for much longer than he was, and I never even heard anything more than a few bouts of expelled gas. Did Initiate Stephen really hear a voice… or did he simply go insane?
[Pause.]
I was not the first to witness the entire event. I was but the sixth to make it to the mark where it happened. I came after hearing the screaming. I witnessed Initiate Stephen standing before the large anus with his hands cupped to his lips. He cried out, [Mimicking] “I hear you! I hear you! I’m so sorry for everything!”
[Pause.]
We were not sure what he was sorry for. There is no account of Initiate Stephen ever doing anything to anyone. He was a good man. After all, he was the only one to be baptized in the holy urine of the Ceaseless Thinker. Perhaps having had it done to him, he had been blessed with some sort of second sight. There is no way to know.
[Pause.]
While the poor fellow screamed his heart out at the giant pucker, we all checked to see if his words were a bother to Exedese himself. The dragon seemed barely to notice. I suppose that makes sense. If someone was screaming into my own anus, I might not understand the full context of it. And it stands to reason that Initiate Stephen may have been speaking to something within the anus rather than Exedese. If he was speaking to Exedese, why not do it in the front where his head and ears are located. The evidence is rather conclusive on this matter.
[Pause.]
The scene was noisy enough to even draw forth our great rabbit leader, Abbot Tirrel. He walked out of the monastery proper and took a seat on a nearby bench. He too was fascinated by this initiate who for nearly half an hour would scream into the large anus. We asked him what he thought, but Abbot Tirrel does not always answer questions. This was one of those times.
[Pause.]
Towards the end of the event, the words of Initiate Stephen became more desperate and filled with expletives. [Mimicking] “I can’t hear you!” he cried. [Mimicking] “Fuck! Fuck! I can’t hear anything anymore! Where is the fucking universe?! Where are you?!” It was a bit confusing. Some of us talked about going over to pull him away for fear that he might soon bother the Ceaseless Thinker.
[Pause.]
Abbot Tirrel held up a paw to stop us, however. He signaled us all to simply watch and see how things would go for the mad initiate. It was a sorry thing to see if it was nothing but madness, but our rabbit leader seemed to think otherwise. Some of us heard Abbot Tirrel say, “He senses the universe. He yearns to become one with it.”
[Pause.]
If what the abbot said was true, and I have no reason to doubt him, then Initiate Stephen was becoming connected to the eternal life found within the great doughnut of Exedese! It was such an unexpected and… /romantic/ notion that none of us had ever expected. And what happened next was perhaps proof that even Exedese had become aware of it.
[Pause.]
The final words of Initiate Stephen were, [Mimicking] “Show me what lies beyond!” The command was perhaps given from the greater part of this initiate. For another moment after he spoke those words, the great Exedese, the Ceaseless Thinker… [Pause.] sat up.
[Pause.]
We all saw what happened next, and it happened rather slowly. Initiate Stephen’s entire head was slurped into the massive pucker. His entire body twitched and writhed as whatever he must have been looking at was too much for his poor mortal body to handle.
[Pause.]
Slowly the great doughnut began to flex and slowly draw the initiate into himself. It was a rather noisy affair. You could hear the nasty slurping noises as the large anus contorted and pulled in the human body.
[Pause.]
Some of us were horrified, while others were in awe. It is always a bit difficult to see the frightening contortions the corporeal human form will go through when being devoured in such a nasty way. When some of the monks looked away, Abbot Tirrel was heard shouting, “No, you much look at this! This initiate was above you all! You must watch and envy him!”
[Pause.]
I admit that such a thing is very hard to do, but we all tried. We really did. We were comforted in the fact that Exedese seemed to be exceedingly pleased that he was drawing someone into his rear. He was very likely receiving much pleasure from it. Even his tremendous penis had become engorged to the point where he would slide it back and forth against the ground. A few monks ran over to stroke it for him as the twitching body of Initiate Stephen was drawn inside his rear.
[Pause.]
I became all the more fascinated with this dragon’s pleasure. I walked over and began to rub the twitching doughnut as it flexed and squirmed. I heard the muffled screams of the initiate deep inside the dragon’s colon. What was he seeing? It must have been magical. The origin of the sky, the clouds, the sun, and the moon. All existing within this dragon’s magical tract.
[Pause.]
I soon realized that I was jealous. I yearned to be him. I wanted to thrust my body into the doughnut as soon as Exedese was finished with the initiate. But that would be selfish of me. I must wait for my time. I must also enter in the way that Exedese chooses.
[Pause.]
As the last of Initiate Stephen passed into the great anus of Exedese, one of his sandals fell off and landed near the great testicles. I knelt down and picked it up as if it was a treasure. I held it to my heart and gave thanks that I had been given the opportunity to witness this great miracle.
[Pause.]
As I stood there holding the sandal, the Ceaseless Thinker opened his maw and spoke for all to hear, [With romantic emphasis] “There are long times and there are short times, but all times can be long times when we travel in pairs.” And then he came back down to a rest and said nothing else for days.
[Pause.]
That night I took the sandal back to my quarters with me. I did not wish to let go of it. It was a symbol of a blessed event. And with this event came words of which I had already interpreted within my heart. Initiate Stephen and I were like brothers. He may not have been a monk, but he was enlightened… perhaps even more so than I.
[Pause.]
I dreamed that night that we went into that anus together. Feeling that tight flexing embrace. Seeing the sky, the clouds, the sun, the moon, the stars, the planets, the universe itself… We went in together in spirit. He was still with me… in the form of this lonely sandal.
[Pause.]
One went in and the other remained out. I may not have known Initiate Steven in this life, but in the spirit, we are eternal friends. We exist within the universe found inside of the dragon’s anus. I’m… I’m just not allowed to see it yet.
[Pause.]
I think we can all learn a lesson from these events. There is wisdom in this tale. I’ve asked that this eight hundred and forty-first record be placed in a special location within the main hall of the Monastery of Exedese, so that all may read it and know of this blessed event. And if any wish to see the sacred sandal, I shall gladly show it to him!
[Long Pause]
Monk Oleander.
[Fade and end.]