Initiate Steven was played by
\n\t\t\t\t\tqsharpeThe script is posted below!
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[Initiate Stephen hates his job and does not like anything having to do with any of this.]
[Exedese is pronounced Ecks-eh-deez.]
Record Number 840. An Unpleasant Task. Initiate Stephen.
[Relaxing music or ambience.]
It has been four weeks since I found this refuge. I trekked the high grounds for months surviving on berries and roots free of the corruption that exists in the lands below. It was horrible, but I wonder how horrible it must have been when I compare it to the situation I now find myself in.
[Pause.]
I was, at first, happy to have found the Monastary of Exedese. It seemed that I had finally found a reprieve from all of my trials, but I am unsure if anyone here is actually sane. It isn’t just their worship of a large and fat dragon who occasionally slurps them up into one of his orifices. They all work under the tutelage of Abbot Tirrel… [Pause and then with emphasis.] who is a /rabbit./
[Pause.]
At first I laughed that this was even happening. Abbot Tirrel just stared at me with cute, yet stern eyes. He told me that I will have to show more respect if I am going to be allowed to live here as a monk. When I saw everyone else glaring at me, I gulped down my mirth and quickly asked for forgiveness. What they call forgiveness leaves a lot to be desired.
[Pause.]
So now I have been tasked with relieving some monk known as Oleander who was in charge of keeping this dragon’s giant, puffy, sweaty asshole clean. They gave me a bucket, a mop, and something that looks strikingly like a giant ear swab. Fuck my life.
[Pause.]
What’s more is that they wanted me to write about how much of a joy it is to clean it. How am I supposed to do that? I guess I’ll just have to make stuff up.
[Pause.]
[Extremely sarcastic] Oh wow! Look how big this asshole is! I just love splashing soapy water all over it. Look at all the bubbles that come out of it when it farts! Wow! I am just in heaven right now. Life can’t possibly get better than this! Wow! Just wow!
[Pause.]
I am pretty sure I heard Exedese chuckling at me when I stuck in the giant swabby thing. What’s even weirder is how it felt like the dragon was able to suck the thing in. I nearly went in with it. I only had a moment to let go. But the whole thing just shot out like a bullet and struck me right in my chin. The end was soft, but it still knocked me on my back.
[Pause.]
I held up my hand and called for help, but all the monks just cried out something like, “Yes, oh great Exedese! You have bestowed upon him a great gift!” [Angry and loud] What was the gift exactly? PAIN?!
[Pause.]
I went to see Monk Oleander after this. I asked him how he could possibly see cleaning a giant, puffy asshole as being something that anyone should consider holy. He looked at me with a forced smile and said, “If you don’t like what it looks like on the outside, try going in.” I politely excused myself.
[Pause.]
Sub-prior Jeremiah found me sitting on the cliffside recently. He asked me why I wasn’t taking my position under the dragon’s giant balls. I told him how horrible the smell is and that I needed a break. He said that I shall never become a monk without better diligence. I asked what diligence there is in sitting under a giant asshole. No answer. Just a stare. A stare as if I should know the answer without being told. I didn’t know what to say, but I did get a little nervous. I decided to go sit under the asshole again.
[Pause.]
I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I just lay on my back staring at the doughnut ready to roll away at a moment’s notice in case the dragon had the urge to sit. At one point he twitched. I screamed and rolled away expecting the worst. One monk saw me do this and told me I ought to be ashamed. I’m officially considering taking my chances down below with all the black oily things.
[Pause.]
Another problem came recently when Exedese said something. I barely heard it. You’d be surprised what great sound-proofers giant balls can be. Apparently the saying was something like, “When the rain turns yellow, it’s time to go for a swim.” An order came down from the rabbit himself that I was to be in charge of leading the interpretation of this fucking thing.
[Pause.]
I was almost happy when they said they would give me a desk to work on, but they rolled the thing out under the big anus. So I had to sit there and work while the big thing made all its horrible, little twitchy noises. Dear god. Fuck my life.
[Pause.]
So I worked on it. I figured things like: rain equals water. Yellow water equals pee. Swimming in yellow water equals swimming in pee. My final conclusion was that Exedese wanted us to swim in his pee. Now… understand that I said this because I was hoping that the true absurdity of my statement would prove that they were all a bunch of crazy people. But no. I am not that lucky. They all gasped in amazement at my “revelation.” Abbot Tirrel himself declared that I had come to an epiphany.
[Pause.]
Two days later, the big dragon has a piss, and they tossed me right into it. Everyone clapped and praised me as if I was the luckiest person in the universe. I was swimming around in pee. It was warm and smelly. It was all over me. It’s probably the first time I’ve ever contemplated suicide.
[Pause.]
I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I mean… I’m still alive. I’m not dealing with any monsters. They are keeping me fed and all that. One monk told me that I had the potential to be a very good monk someday. Apparently they think Exedese likes me. [Pause and then momentarily unsure.] Is that a good thing?
[Pause.]
No-I am really trying to ask that question to anyone who will listen. Is being a servant to Exedese a good thing? Is this what life is all about? Is this what humans were meant for all along? Are we all to be subjects to a big bloated thing with a giant, puffy asshole that shoots cleaning implements out at people?
[Pause.]
[Losing his mind] I’m only a person! I just came here to live! But now I don’t know what I am meant for anymore. I went out to the other side of the monastery and noticed that it all just sort of drops off into a steep slope. Have I reached the end of the universe? Does it really all end with Exedese?
[Pause.]
[Calms down but still depressed] I guess I don’t really want to go back. Not sure if anyone would let me at this point. They like me. They really like me. They think I am a chosen one. After all, I swam around in the dragon’s pee. That makes me special, right? I’m a chosen one of Exedese. [Pause.] Yay?
[Pause.]
[Losing touch with reality] Is life a dream? Is existence a nightmare? Am I even alive? Do I exist apart of a collective or am I the only one remaining in the universe. Or is it something else? Is it Exedese? Is he a being of my imagination… or… am I one of his? Do I exist? Hello? Can anyone even hear these words?
[Pause.]
[Pathetic] Help. I’m scared. I don’t understand anything anymore. Help.
[Pause.]
[Giving up] They are putting me back in charge of doughnut-cleaning duty. I guess there is no point in fighting anymore. This is life. This is existence. There’s nowhere else to go. I’m just going to stay where I am and keep swabbing. Maybe it will end at some point. Maybe I’ll finally see if anything makes sense… [Pause.] or if… [Pause.] if…
[Long Pause.]
Initiate Stephen.
[Fade and end.]