Abbot Tirrel was played by
\n\t\t\t\t\tPervBunWalterThe script is posted below!
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[Abbot Tirrel is a wise-cracking rabbit. He is am absolute troll and laughs at people's misery.]
[Exedese is pronounced Ecks-eh-deez.]
Private Personal Record Number 36. Mission Success! Abbot Tirrel.
[Fun relaxing music.]
[Tirrel can occational laugh as he talks.]
Well, I did it. I didn’t think I could do it, but I did it. I may go down as the cleverest rabbit who ever lived. I single-pawedly conquered the human race. And I didn’t only just conquer them; I conquered them with such style and finesse that no one can hereafter claim otherwise.
[Pause.]
Let’s just look at the facts. I managed to confused the last tribe of humans that they should stop trying to survive and dedicate themselves to worshipping a mutant dragon by occasionally shoving themselves into his throat, dick, and asshole! They’re doing it too! It’s mother fucking hilarious! And they said animals had it the worst on this fucking planet! I can’t stop laughing!
[Pause.]
At first, Exedese and I didn’t think it would work. We both were incredible perverts who liked the idea of seeing humans slurped up into orifices, but we never thought in a million years that they’d actually form a cult around it.
[Pause.]
And they /literally/ think that there is some other universe inside his /ass/. They are actually that stupid! Don’t they know that Exedese is just kinky for that shit?! Speaking of shit, don’t they know what they’ll find in there? No wonder we hear them screaming! I literally had to soundproof my room so I could laugh my ass off after another one of those morons leapt headlong into my big perverted friend!
[Pause.]
Are these guys really the people who brought about civilization before the great awakening? Really?! They did all that? The same people who built all those cities now think worshiping a big doughnut hole is the way of the enlightened?! I eat my own pellets and I still feel smarter than they are!
[Pause.]
Even though Exedese and I don’t talk to each other anymore, I can tell he’s happy. Gawd, he’s such a fag. He probably would have vored me too if we had not got to talking before it could happen. We both like the idea of things going into our butts. Yeah, I put a few carrots back there in my time. I thought about getting the humans to put carrots in their butts, but I figured that might be a bit much. I already have them crawling into Exedese. That sort of thing doesn’t need an encore!
[Pause.]
Also I love his sayings. I got alone with him a few nights ago and asked him where he got the material from. Exedese told me that he was just randomly tossing sentences together. It worried me at first, but it turns out that the humans are so stupid that they think everything he says means something! I mean… This is a fucking riot right here. I don’t care if I die tomorrow. At this point, I have liiiived! Ha!
[Pause.]
But I don’t think this is going to end. Nope. This cult is gaining so much traction that it may go on for years! And more humans are popping up on the mountain. I was a bit surprised that there were that many humans wandering around up here. It got so big that I had to start handing out promotions.
[Pause.]
I made Andrew my prior. He’s the most levelheaded and devout. He kind of acts as my whipping boy when I am too busy laughing my fucking ass off in my soundproof room. Dear gawd, I can’t stop. It’s making it so hard to write this. My poor, little bunny heart!
[Pause.]
Andrew does a great job of keeping everyone in line. He really truly believes in Exedese and even says prayers to him each evening. I like his records too. It’s some of the best rubbish I’ve ever read. I asked Exedese to not devour him… at least not for a long while. I need to keep this going for as long as I can. It’s all so good. It gives me so much good material to masturbate too.
[Pause.]
I also promoted Jeremiah to be my sub-prior. Never in my life have I met someone who so greatly deserved the title of Airhead. But I couldn’t call him that and still get away scott free with my mutant-dragon-anus-stuffing scam. Sub-prior would have to do!
[Pause.]
Jeremiah is the one who is always pushing the lesser monks around to interpret all that garbage that the “Ceaseless Thinker” makes up. Sometimes the dragon will say something way out there just to throw them for a loop. It’s hilarious seeing them run around like idiots as they try and make sense of it all. [Mockingly] “That which is fruity is ultimately the wrong way around.” I think one of the monks passed out from trying to figure that one out! I nearly died of laughter!
[Pause.]
I think it is safe to say that there may be a lesson to be learned in all of this. Not sure what it is, but it just seems like there’s something very important that people can take away from this little episode. It’s probably something like, “Don’t let dragon’s eat you with their asshole,” or something. I mean… if the end of the world ends with wisdom like that, I can’t even imagine what the original point was.
[Pause.]
Hey! Maybe that was the point! Maybe this was what the human race was leading up to from the very beginning! Yeah, I can see it! Man is born. Man builds civilization. Civilization falls. Man slides into a dragon’s butthole. How romantic.
[Pause.]
Yeah, I am pretty sure I’m going to have to keep these records extremely confidential. They aren’t going to read it anyways. They are too far gone to break any sort of rules around here. We’re all going to die anyways. What’s the fucking point?
[Pause.]
[A little bit sad here] I mean… There never was one, right? We’re all just food, right?
[Long Pause.]
[A little depressed] Yeah. So yeah. Okay, so… I guess this is basically the end. Nothing to learn here. Why am I even writing this?
[Pause.]
So I’m just going to stop writing before I start getting depressed. Maybe I’ll get one of those idiot humans to wash that huge anus while I watch. Yeah! That’ll cheer me right up! Fuck it! Life is good!
[Long Pause]
Abbot Tirrel.
[Fade and end.]