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As always, comments and PMs are appreciated and encouraged. I love hearing from you all, and I'll see you in a couple weeks with part 4.
-Brig","writing":"[center]--\nKnox\n--[/center]\n\nOn what planet... no, in what [i]universe[/i] am I lucky enough to have Nick Southwell kissing me? There wasn't any scenario that I'd thought of while I was, well, [i]over[/i]-thinking everything, that ended with this. Yeah, I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind--the memory of that drunken kiss last night had my insides all twisted up in knots. \n\nBut that kiss had nothing, and I mean [i]nothing[/i], on what was happening right now.\n\nEyes closed; impossibly soft lips pressed to my rough ones, the faint taste of lemonade still lingering on him. Nick resting his weight against me, the warmth of his body seeping through his shirt as my paws circled that slender waist. He trusted me to hold him up, hold him close, and the slight tremor running through him told me he needed both. And holding him close was exactly what I wanted, so, well... I did. \n\nThis wasn't the bruising, frantic kiss from before. It was as tender, as gentle as the warm evening breeze that rustled through the wooded drive. My heart pounded in my chest, my entire body heating, and I'm not gonna lie; I'm as manly as they come, but when the piercing smack of Nick pulling away echoed around us, the ache inside me that grew from his absence knocked the wind clean out of me.\n\nNick tilted his head back to look me in the eye. \"Knox?\" he whispered.\n\n\"Hnm?\" I grunted, not quite ready to be capable of speech.\n\n\"What are you thinking?\" His voice was so, so quiet, so contemplative, and when he moved to brush his thumb over my cheek, it sent my brain into overdrive. I could hardly think as he slipped his arm around my neck again.\n\n\"What?\" I blinked, still coming down from the haze that kiss had put me in. \"Uh. Nick. That was... a lot.\" Nick frowned, and I haltingly added, \"A... good lot? Yeah! It was, uh, good?\" [i]Stupid![/i] Why the heck did I say it like a question? I let out a thready chuckle, one paw still resting on his waist while I ran the other through my hair. \"I don't think I was ready for that. Not in a bad way, I swear, just... surprised.\" My voice betrayed me, cracking and going hoarse at the end. [i]Smooth, Knox. Real smooth.[/i]\n\nHis smile faltered, his expression shifting like a sudden thunderstorm rolling in over the horizon. When he started pulling away, my stomach dropped like a rock. \"Nick?\" I said, voice quivering, asking some kind of question that I didn't understand. Something was going wrong here, and the only thing I knew was that I [i]had[/i] to fix it.\n\nNick separated from me and turned around, his shoulders stiff as he walked away. Every instinct I had was screaming at me to reach for him, close the distance, and stop him from hiding inside himself. But, I knew Nick. Pushing him only ever made him run further away. So, I forced myself to wait, my aching paws flexing uselessly at my sides. \n\nIt seemed like an eternity, but it was probably only like a minute before Nick's shoulders slumped. He turned back toward me, and the way he didn't quite look at me while his shoulders hunched over his chest made me ache all over. \"I'm sorry, Knox.\"\n\nWhat? Sorry for what? He kissed me. I kissed him. Didn't that mean... I dunno, something? Why did he think he needed to apologize? \n\n\"I shouldn't have pushed you,\" Nick said, his voice rough and low. His gaze dropped to the ground, and his arms swung limply for a moment before he hugged himself tightly, like he was trying to hold himself together. \"It was too much, too fast, wasn't it? I wanted to show you how I felt, but...\" His breath hitched, and he shook his head a few times before muttering, \"Why couldn't I leave well enough alone? What's [i]wrong [/i]with me?\" \n\n\"What? Nick, dude, there's nothing wrong with you,\" I said, reaching for him, but he flinched back as his arms tightened around him like he might turn them into a wall to throw between us. The tears brimming in his eyes were a sucker punch, pulling the air from my lungs. \"Nick, stop. [i]Please [/i]don't...\"\n\n\"You're right to be confused,\" he interrupted, his voice cracking. \"I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I didn't...\" His words dissolved into a choked sob, and his eyes drifted away from me as he trembled. \"[i]Please [/i]don't hate me. Not after I just got you back.\"\n\nThat was it. Whatever had my feet frozen in place shattered, and I closed the distance in three long strides. He didn't even see me coming, and when I slipped my paws under his arms and lifted him off the ground, his startled gasp almost broke me.\n\n\"Nick,\" I said, my voice rough, my rough paws firm but as gentle as I knew how to make them as they held him aloft. \"Listen to me. [i]I don't hate you.[/i] Not even close. This... this is new to me, yeah? And look, I'm real stupid. You're gonna have to bear with me while I figure this out.\"\n\nHe tried to look away, his tears slowing but still slipping down his cheeks, so I shook him gently--just enough to make him focus. \"Nope. C'mon. Look at me.\"\n\nHis gaze finally met mine, hesitant and unsure. I kept my eyes locked on him as I asked, \"Can you tell me what made you think I hated you?\"\n\n\"You looked confused, and stunned, and a little bit... ill,\" he whispered, his voice barely audible. \"And when I asked what you were thinking, all you said was that it was a lot. That's literally all you said. So, I knew I'd overwhelmed you...\" He licked his lips, and I saw those eyes getting shiny again. [i]Aw, hell. It was me, after all.[/i]\n\nI sighed, setting him down carefully but keeping my paws firmly on his shoulders so he couldn't escape. \"You didn't overwhelm me, Nick. You [i]did [/i]surprise me, yeah, but it was in the best possible way.\"\n\nHe stammered, words spilling out in a frantic rush. \"I'm sorry, Knox. I didn't mean to freak you out. I mean, it was--the roses, and you were being so sweet, and the mood was--God, I--\"\n\n\"Nick.\" My tone was low and growly, cutting through his rambling.\n\n\"W-what?\" He looked at me like a deer in headlights, wide-eyed and ready to bolt.\n\n\"Shut up.\" And before he said another word, I kissed him. Man, I kissed him [i]hard[/i]. My arms wrapped around him, pulling him close as I poured everything I didn't have words to say into that kiss. Every ounce of longing, of need, of reassurance. When he finally melted against me, his paws clutching at my shirt, I bent him back, savoring the way he fit perfectly in my arms.\n\n[i]Heh, bendy little pup. [/i]\n\nWhoa. Okay, [i]that[/i] was new. And... interesting. We'd have to explore that a little later, me and my subconscious, but now was not the time.\n\nNick sagged, turning to putty in my hands, and suddenly I saw it all so clear - him showing me around the big city someday, pride in his voice as he pointed out all his favorite spots. Us at the lake on hot summer days, his fur slicked down by the water, laughing as we raced each other just like we used to do. Simple little things, sure, but it was right in a way I couldn't explain. And for once in my life, I didn't even try.\n\nWhen I pulled Nick to his feet and released him from my embrace, breaking the kiss at the same time, he whined, high and needy, and my pants started getting a little tight as that pulling sensation came back. \n\n[i]Oh[/i]. So that's what that meant. And my walls cracked--just a little--and I needed more. So [i]much[/i] more.\n\nA deep growl rose from my throat. Nick shivered as the bass rumbled through him, and placing my palm flat in the center of his chest, I gently, but firmly, pushed. \n\nNick stumbled as I guided him backwards, his breath hitching, his heart drumming rapidly beneath my paw. We moved together, one step after the other, until he let out a soft, startled gasp as he hit the rough bark of the tree.\n\nThe way he looked up at me, eyes glowing with heat, mouth a rounded `O' of surprise, this overwhelming urge to kiss him swelled up inside me. I'd been denying this part of me for too long. \n\nI'm done pretending I don't want to lose control.\n\nSo, I kissed him. Softly at first, the barest whisper of a touch. Then I kissed him hard, and when he finally opened for me, I slipped my tongue inside, exploring every inch of his beautiful maw. We kissed until our lips were puffy and swollen, and panting for air. \n\nPausing for a moment to recover, Nick looked up at me with a molten gaze, and I'd have kissed him all over again if he hadn't spoken. \"You... you're sure you want to do this?\"\n\nI had feelings, but still no words, so I had to sorta... let go. Our lips met again, gentle again, and I let my paws roam; exploring, savoring every touch. I found my way to the first button of his shirt, hesitating, but only for a second. When Nick's fingers closed over mine, steadying me, I popped it open, moving down one button at a time, savoring the warmth from his fur beneath.\n\nI broke away from claiming his face with my mouth to nose underneath his floppy right ear, the one with that gorgeous silver cuff, and in a fit of utter insanity, I breathed, \"Wanna do something weird with me?\"\n\nA tremor ran through the man I had pinned to a tree, and he groaned, which sent an answering zing up my spine. [i]Fucking yes![/i] \"Knox?\" The way he whined out my name was the most beautiful fucking thing I'd ever heard.\n\n\"Yeah?\" Stroking the back of my paw against his cheek, I pressed a kiss to the top of his head.\n\nHe leaned into my touch, nuzzling against my hand. Letting out the happiest sigh, he looked me right in the eyes and whispered...\n\n\"Do it. Let's get weird.\"\n\nA grin spread across my face, and a low chuckle rumbled its way from my chest. \"Okay? Yeah... okay! Let's see what you got, city boy.\"\n\nA smirk played across my lips as I lifted Nick up and pressed him against the tree, reveling in his sinful groan. But as my desire for him grew stronger, so did my inner turmoil. Was I really going to do this? Take things to the next level with someone who supposedly wanted to be nothing more than a casual companion?\n\n\"Knox,\" he panted, eyes filled with emotions I didn't quite understand. I eased up for a moment, just looking at him. Was this too much for him? Crap, had [i]I[/i] gone too far this time? I'd wanted to let him catch his breath, but he snaked his hand around the back of my head and pulled me in for a bruising kiss. \"Knox,\" he whispered again, and this time his voice brimmed with a need so plain, even I couldn't miss it. \"Knox, [i]please [/i]don't stop...\"\n\nAnd I had stopped for a moment, unsure of how far I should take this. But when Nick's pleading voice urged me on, I gave in to him. Yet even as we continued to grind against each other in the heat of the moment, I couldn't shake the notion that something wasn't right.\n\nNick wriggled in my grasp, pressing his butt back into me. And [i]shit,[/i] he was grinding right against my- \"Come on, man!\" He let out a breathy chuckle. \"I'm good.\" More grinding against me, and it took all the strength I had not to pop right then and there. \"So, so good,\" he said in a low, heated voice.\n\nFinally breaking away from him, I caught my breath and looked up at his house nearby. This wasn't where I wanted to make love to Nick for the first time. He deserved better than a quick hook-up in his parents' driveway.\n\nThere was a bed less than five minutes away, and come hell or high water, I was going to get him into it.\n\n\"Nick?\" I whispered. \n\nHe let out a little frustrated growl, and even though his pants were that loose fit he always preferred, I could still make out the outline of a bulge there. [i]Nope! Stay strong, man. You can do this.[/i] \"What?\" Concern marred that beautiful heated look he'd been giving me. \"What's wrong?\"\n\n\"I... it's nothing. But, uh, let's maybe go somewhere else?\" I gave him a quick kiss on the nose, followed by a lick on the same spot, which caused him to splutter adorably. \"Come on. Get back in the truck.\"\n\nBut as we headed towards my pickup, I was both excited, and conflicted, about what was growing between us. What was this to him, and for that matter, what was this to me? Is this physical attraction or is it something... more? Did either of us actually [i]want[/i] more? And am I ready to face the consequences of exploring all these feelings?\n\n[center]--\nNick\n--[/center]\n\nWe didn't speak as we piled back into Knox's truck and drove the handful of minutes up to the house. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, but it carried weight, like there were words hovering ever-so-slightly out of reach. I caught myself glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, searching for something--a sign, a clue--that might tell me what was going on in his head. Was he having second thoughts about this? About us?\n\nBefore my doubts started to spiral, Knox cut the engine. He fixed his eyes on me, and there was a smoldering intensity there that made my breath hitch. Without a word, he leaned across the cab and kissed me. He wasn't gentle or questioning. No, this one burned with the kind of heat that made my heart race. When he finally pulled back, his paw lingered on my cheek, his thumb brushing over my fur. \"Stay right there,\" he said, his voice low and rumbly before jumping down out of the cab and jogging around to my side of the truck.\n\nI sat there, stunned, my lips tingling and my thoughts spinning in a hundred directions. The kiss had been everything I wanted... but was it everything [i]he[/i] wanted? Knox was a mystery wrapped in contradictions. One moment he seemed frozen, unsure of what this meant for him. The next, he was kissing me like his life depended on it. For the first time in my life, I didn't know which version of Knox was the real one.\n\nHe opened my door and reached out, his broad, calloused hands beckoning me. \"Come on,\" he said, his voice softer now, but no less certain. \"I gotchu.\"\n\nSomething about the way he spoke now--gentle, almost pleading--made my chest tighten. I wanted to believe him, to believe in this... whatever [i]this [/i]was. But my uncertainty lingered, along with a less-than-reassuring voice in the back of my mind whispering that perhaps he didn't know what he wanted, either.\n\nI hesitated for only a moment before pushing the doubt aside. As long as he said he was ready, I'd do my damnedest to believe him. I leaped into his arms without a second thought, and he caught me with an amused grunt. \"Oof!\" he said, hoisting me up into his arms with a grin. At that moment, everything seemed so simple. Easy. Just like it used to be. I laughed--a real, unrestrained laugh that almost sounded unfamiliar, like something I'd been hiding for years. I snuggled deep into his arms, letting go and seeing where the night took us.\n\nSince his arms were full of, well, [i]me,[/i] he fumbled with the doorknob. Good thing I forgot to lock it, I guess--it's not like we'd ever bothered locking our doors way out here in the sticks, anyway. After a couple of tries, he was successful, and turning sideways, he stepped into the house. \n\nAs Knox kicked the door closed, though, I caught a flicker of something in his eyes. It was only for a second, but it was unmistakably hesitation that flashed in his eyes. A crack in that mask of cool confidence. My chest tightened as he settled me on my feet. Which version of Knox was the real one? The man who carried me like I was precious, or the one who was still uncertain?\n\nAs we kicked off our shoes, the range hood light from the kitchen cast a dim glow through the entryway. It wasn't much; just bright enough that his feline eyes glowed--no, literally glowed--in the light. He blinked them slowly as a lazy smile settled onto his features. \"Hey,\" he whispered.\n\n\"Hey,\" I murmured back, settling my palms on his broad chest and leaning into him.\n\n\"You're, uh...\" One paw settled on my waist while the other moved to rub at the back of his neck as he looked away. \"You're, like, really cute. Just... wow.\"\n\n\"Aww.\" I chuckled, but buried my face in his chest to hide what I'm certain was the world's sappiest grin. \"You're sweet.\"\n\n\"You're sweeter. I should know.\" Tilting my chin upward, I found him leering back at me. \"After all, I've had a taste, now.\"\n\nThat was it. I melted against him, pressing as close as I could manage. Hell, if I'd thought I could squeeze underneath that stupid, sexy, sleeveless flannel, I'd have done it. \n\nWell, there was always the next best thing. Paws shaking, I started unbuttoning his shirt. It was well-worn, and the buttons came unfastened with ease. Once the shirt slipped off, I ran my paws up Knox's sides to his shoulders. His full-body shiver at my touch was... wrong, though. It definitely wasn't pleasure; no, it was something else. His breath hitched for a moment, and he caught my wrists before pulling me into a kiss, but it wasn't the same; he was holding something back. I barely had time to process that before he pulled away entirely, crossing his arms over his stomach and looking away. \n\n\"Knox? What's wrong?\" This bizarre mood lighting was giving me a headache, so I grabbed one of his wrists and pulled him over to the couch, flipping on the lights as we passed by.\n\nAfter we sat side-by-side, not quite touching, Knox let out a deep sigh. \"Nothing's wrong. Not exactly. I mean yes, there's something, but it's probably not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be. It's stupid. I'm stupid--\"\n\nI punched him in the shoulder. Not as hard as I was capable of, really, but pretty damn close. That finally made him look at me again, confusion writ large on his face. \"Knox?\"\n\n\"Uh... yeah?\"\n\nI grabbed his chin and locked him in place so he couldn't look away again. \"You're not stupid. Besides, aren't we friends?\"\n\n\"I, well...\" he twisted against my grip for a moment before letting his shoulders sag. Knox settled for closing his eyes as he let out a snort. \"I don't know,\" he mumbled. \"[i]Are[/i] we friends? You never said, and you know I hate assumptions.\"\n\nReleasing him, I wrapped my arms around his soft, muscled-yet-cushiony midsection. Squeezing tightly, I was delighted at how deliciously solid he was, a grounding presence I'd missed so, so badly. \"Knox,\" I mumbled into his furry side, \"I don't kiss people who aren't my friends.\"\n\nHe gave a start, and I was worried that he'd pull away. But no. Instead, he wrapped an arm around my back and pulled me closer. I breathed him in, the scent of his deodorant slightly spicy as it tickled my nose. He rumbled contentedly, and I nuzzled into him. \"So,\" he said in a measured voice, \"What are we to each other, Nick?\"\n\nOkay, now I was confused. \"Like I said, we're friends. Just friends. Isn't that what you wanted?\"\n\n\"I'm...\" He audibly swallowed. \"I'm not so sure, anymore.\"\n\n\"Oh...\" It was like someone had beaned me with a fastball. Just [i]wham![/i], straight to my stomach. \"Did I, um... was it something I did?\"\n\n\"I mean, yeah, kinda?\" Knox released me and let me sit up before twisting on the couch to face me. \"Nick, I'm sorry, but... I don't think be `just friends' with you. There's no way. Not after tonight. Not after everything you did to me.\" He looked me up and down. \"What you're still doing to me. It's just not something I want, not anymore. I really thought I could do 'friends', right up 'til we made it in the house, but the more time I spend with you, the closer you get to me, the more that seems like...\" Knox paused, licking his lips. \"It seems, I dunno, wrong?\"\n\n\"Oh.\" His words dropped the bottom out of my stomach hard, and I let go to shuffle as far away from him as the couch would permit. When I glanced up, he was just looking at me, head tilted, expression blank. God, I couldn't even look at him without my heart pounding in my chest, and my stomach soured, so I looked away. \"Oh,\" I said again. Limbs numb, I stood and stumbled into the kitchen, only dimly aware that someone was calling my name. \n\nSpace. I needed space. [i]What does he mean?[/i] I tried--and utterly failed-- to quiet the thousand different thoughts that were screaming in my head. [i]Is he saying he made a mistake? That he doesn't want...[/i] Water. I needed water. I reached up and picked out a glass from the cupboard over the sink. [i]He doesn't want to be friends? I thought... I thought he wanted this.[/i] Mechanically, I filled the glass from the tap and leaned my back against the counter.\n\n[i]I really thought he wanted me. [/i]\n\nI didn't even realize how badly I was shaking until the cup slipped from my paw, shattering on the tile floor in an explosion of shards and water.\n\nThat was the last straw. I let out a sob, crumpling to the floor. Everything kept breaking, and it was [i]always[/i] my fault. I was so wrapped up in my emotions that I didn't hear Knox's footsteps pounding hastily into the kitchen. Barely registered it when he picked me up and stood me straight. When his hesitant paw touched my cheek, I batted him away. \"Stop it!\" I hissed. \"You [i]just[/i] said you don't want that! Do you not get how confusing it is? What you're doing to me?!\" Sniffling, I wiped my eyes on the back of my wrist. \"I don't understand.\" My voice was rough and so impossibly brittle that it didn't even sound like me. I never cried, not even when I was getting beat up on the regular back in high school, but [i]this,[/i] this... betrayal--was that the right word? No, not exactly, but it worked for now--had tears streaming down my cheeks, making my fur damp and itchy where they trailed off to join the mess on the floor. Eyes burning and clouded with emotions I didn't care to suppress anymore, I stood rooted to the spot. Vaguely, I knew my knees were stinging, but I was so far beyond caring about that right now.\n\n\"And you didn't help, you know! I thought you were into it, into [i]me,[/i] I even checked to make absolutely [i]sure,[/i] and you said yes, and you [i]kissed[/i] me, and--\"\n\nKnox scooped me up in that princess carry again and started walking me to the bathroom, his booted feet crunching on the kitchen tile. I struggled against him at first, even kicking my legs and pummeling his chest, but through everything I did, he held up rock solid beneath me. Eventually, he set me down on the side of the tub before digging through the medicine cabinet. I'd worn myself out, what with the crying and the little tantrum I'd thrown, and so my tired eyes stared at his back, Knox's bared muscles flexing as he pawed through the supplies. [i]It isn't fair;[/i] I thought. [i]Even when I'm mad at him, he's still gorgeous.[/i]\n\nWhen faced me again, I was stunned to see the tracks of tears running down his face, too. \"Knox? What--\" \n\n\"Just stop for a minute, okay?\" He knelt down with a pair of tweezers in one paw and a wad of gauze in the other. \"Can you let me do this? You fell in the broken glass, and I need to get it out and clean you up.\" Knox moved like he was going to cup my cheek, but seemed to think better of it, bracing himself right above my knee instead. \n\nHe worked in silence, his brows furrowed in concentration, and I was surprised at how gentle his rough, callused paws were as they poked and prodded. And I ached for that touch on me, on my body, but now I knew deep down that it would never happen. A handful of minutes later, Knox was wrapping a roll of gauze (that I hadn't noticed him grabbing, like, at all) around the cuts on my legs. \n\nThe dead air between us seemed to grow with every passing minute. I didn't have words--ha! Me, the hot-shot lawyer, the former captain of the debate team, with no words--and so I just sat there staring mutely at this man who was equal parts confusing and caring. \n\nI didn't protest when he picked me up again and carried me to my room. Knox paused for a moment as he flicked on the light and looked about; it was a far cry from the band and movie posters he'd seen last time he was in here. Then he laid me out on the bed, ever-so-gently resting my head on the fluffy pillows, before turning and walking away.\n\nI propped myself up, staring at his retreating back. \"Knox? Wait, please don't--\"\n\nHe froze for a moment. \"Nick, I want...\" Tension coiled in his neck and shoulders, his muscles bunching up so tightly that he his head bowed. I breathed; one breath, two breaths, three... and eventually he sighed, but none of that tension left his body. \"I'm going to clean up the kitchen. You stay there. Rest.\" Knox must've heard me sliding to get out of bed, because he rounded on me with a harsh expression that instantly softened when I flinched. \"Sorry, I... Look, get some rest, pup. I'll be back. Promise.\" \n\nReluctantly, I laid down again, and he flicked off the light as he left. The resulting darkness seemed, I dunno, right, somehow? It enveloped me in an absence of stimulation that was incredibly comforting, and I let myself float, listening to the tinkling of glass shards and the wet slap of a mop. I wondered for a moment how he found the cleaning supplies, but then I chuckled to myself--of [i]course[/i] he knew where everything was. My parents might've remodeled, but everything was still in the same places they had always been. \n\nIt was simultaneously forever, and all too soon, when Knox's heavy footsteps thudded into my room. He'd turned out the rest of the lights when he joined me, and in the moonlight streaming in through my window, I saw that he was still bare-chested, his white chest fur almost glowing. He thumped around to the other side of the bed, and sat heavily, bouncing me a couple of times with the force. And we sorta just existed in the same space for a bit, neither one of us seeming to know where to go from here.\n\nEventually, Knox took a deep breath, and laced his fingers behind the back of his head. \"Nick?\" His voice was hesitant, questioning.\n\n\"What?\" Damn it, my voice was cracking. Seriously, Nick, keep it together!\n\n\"I, er, wanted to say... sorry.\"\n\nI rolled my eyes. At least the sass was working. \"For what? You told me how you feel. I'm the one who overreacted, making us into something we weren't. Don't apologize for that.\"\n\n\"No, I-I didn't.\"\n\nWhen the rest of that thought never materialized, I let out a frustrated huff. \"Knox, I'm too tired to drag this out of you. You didn't what? Come on, man, I don't have the energy to play games right now--\" \n\n\"I mean, I didn't tell you how I feel!\" The words tumbled out of him as I watched his shoulders tense. He let out a big breath of air that did nothing to relax his tightly wound muscles. \"Like I said, I'm real stupid, and--\"\n\nI rolled onto my side and thumped him in the back, hard enough to drive the wind out of him, and shouted, \"Stop talking about my friend that way!\"\n\nKnox's back straightened before he bent over to cough a few times to catch his breath. \"But,\" he said with a thick voice, \"I told you, that's not what I want--\"\n\nSomething snapped in my brain. \"Well, I don't care! I'm friends with you, damn it! Even if you don't want me, even if you hate me, I don't care.\" I huffed, glaring at his unmoving back. \"And stop saying you're stupid,\" I said with a grimace. \"You're not, never have been. You're the smartest guy I know.\"\n\nA long moment of silence passed between us before he blurted out, \"I [i]am[/i] stupid, though!\"\n\n\"Knox, I swear to God--\" \n\n\"And it has to be true, because I [i]still [/i]haven't told you yet!\" Now Knox shot up and whirled on me, his wild stare filled with pain, and his paws flying up to fist in his hair. He was panting out ragged breaths, and on top of all that he was crying again, and... something about seeing this man with all his carefully controlled masks breaking apart, seeing him lose control in the worst possible way, made my heart ache.\n\n\"So why don't you tell me?\" I sighed as I patted the other side of the bed. \"It's okay--you can try again.\"\n\nHe sank back into a seated position on the mattress next to me, but he was facing away from me again. Grimacing, I put as much force into my voice as I could muster and said, \"Nope! Nope, not like this. You don't get to hide from me this time, Knox! You turn around and face me this instant, y'hear?!\"\n\nTo my amazement, the burly tiger complied. His boots thudded to the floor as he kicked them off again--when had he put those back on, anyway?--and the mattress dipped in the middle as he laid down and rolled to face me. I had to balance carefully to avoid pitching forward into him. \n\nHe was quiet for several minutes, and I saw his jaw working. I knew that meant he was searching for his words, so I let him be. I couldn't help it; the exhaustion started catching up with me, and my eyes fluttered, but I roused a bit when Knox finally spoke.\n\n\"I don't want to be friends with you,\" he whispered. \"It's not possible. Not anymore.\"\n\n[i]Sigh.[/i] \"Knox, we've been over this. I get it--\"\n\n\"No, you don't!\" He let out a growl, rolling onto his back and hiding his face in his paws with a groan. \"God, why can't I get this right?\" He whined before mumbling, \"C'mon, man. I gotta get this [i]right...[/i]\"\n\n\"I'm sorry I interrupted you.\" With a cautious paw, I reached out and gripped his bicep. \"Take your time. It's my house, after all,\" I said with a wry chuckle. \"I'm not going anywhere.\"\n\n\"Nick, I--\" Knox's muffled voice came through his hands, and when he dropped them, his paws twitched like he needed to have something there to hold on to, but he didn't seem to know what that something was. His jaw clenched, his entire body tensing like a wound spring, and the effort it took him to simply look in my direction nearly broke me.\n\n\"Damn it, why is this so [i]hard?[/i]\" His voice cracked on that last word, and he let out a rough laugh that lacked even the slightest trace of humor. Knox's ears flattened back onto his head, and I caught sight of his tail curling around his waist. And for the first time, I understood the unfamiliar emotion that had taken over my friend's entire body. \n\nIt was [i]fear.[/i] Big, tough, invincible Knox Madison was absolutely terrified. \n\n\"I don't... fuck, I [i]can't [/i]mess this up again.\" His breathing grew ragged, his chest rising and falling in stuttering, jerky motions. Rubbing his hands over his face again, he exhaled sharply before choking out, \"I keep getting it wrong. I know I do.\"\n\nI swallowed hard, my stomach twisting at the rawness of his voice. Slowly, I reached out a hand to him, and when my fingers tightened on his arm, he flinched, but didn't pull away. \"Easy, buddy,\" I murmured, voice as gentle as possible. \"Getting what wrong?\"\n\nHe let out a strangled noise, something between a groan and a sigh, before slipping his trembling paw under my shirt, brushing it over my side. The heat in his touch hit me like a bolt of lightning, and I shivered slightly.\n\n\"Nick...\"\n\n\"That's me,\" I whispered with a cautious upward tilt of my lips. Earlier, I had pulled away at his affections, but the way he was looking at me gave me pause. He looked needy, and confused, and sad. But it was mostly sad, and in that moment I would've given my right arm to see that look wiped away.\n\n\"Oh, [i]God...[/i]\" he breathed, licking his lips, his eyes searching mine like he was looking for permission to say the right words, to finally bridge this yawning chasm between us. \n\nSo, I gave it to him. \"It's okay, buddy.\" A quick squeeze of his arm, and I nodded to him. \"Try again. I'm here.\"\n\nKnox groaned, raking a paw through his short, glossy hair. \"Nick, I--damn it, you're gonna make me say it out loud, aren't you?\" he said, voice all growly, his frustration oozing off of him. His expressive eyes stared at mine in desperation, and I shivered when he placed a broad hand on my shoulder. \"Nick, I don't...\" He shuffled closer, heat rolling off his body in waves. Blinking rapidly, he clenched his jaw, and through gritted teeth, he said, \"I don't kiss my friends, Nick. Never have.\"\n\n[i]What?[/i] \"But you kissed me,\" I said numbly. \n\n\"Nick, I only kiss someone when I want, well... when I want [i]more.[/i]\" Knox's voice wavered at that last word, like he wasn't sure he should've said it out loud. And he ducked his head, like he was bracing for a physical impact.\n\nMy heart froze in my chest, and everything slowed, like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and about to dive into something I couldn't believe I hadn't seen before. That hesitant, uncertain sentence Knox said whirled around and around in my head, slotting things together like puzzle pieces I didn't even realize were missing. [i]He doesn't kiss friends. He only kisses someone when he wants... [/i]\n\n[i]He wants...[/i]\n\n\"Oh,\" My breath hitched. Then again, louder. \"[i]Oh.[/i]\" And I twitched, a whole-body jolt like my nerves had finally caught up to my brain. \"You mean you want-- what, with [i]me?![/i]\"\n\nKnox was chewing on his thumb claw, and had shrunk so far into himself that I almost thought I'd somehow grown bigger than him. But after I'd finally responded to him, he dropped his paw onto the mattress between us and exhaled sharply. \"I--\" He swallowed hard as his eyes started glistening in the moonlight. \"I finally got it out,\" he whispered, looking at me like he didn't know if he should be relieved, or terrified. He was trembling--not enough to be visible, but the bed was shaking, and I felt it again when he draped a tense arm around me, burying his muzzle in my hair where his sharp, shuddery breaths puffed against my head. He didn't tug me in, though. It was like he was leaving room for me to pull away, to tell him no, that he'd gotten it wrong yet again.\n\nI froze. Just for a minute, until my heart caught up with the rest of my body.\n\n[i]He thought I was gonna leave him now?\n\nNot a chance, buddy.[/i]\n\nI flung my arm around him, burrowing the other beneath his neck as I pressed myself tightly against him, burying my face in his chest fur. And the tension [i]finally[/i] left him as he sagged with relief, like I'd somehow lifted all of his burdens from his shoulders.\n\nI wriggled just free enough to breathe. \"Okay, so...\" I nervously licked my suddenly dry lips. \"We really gotta work on your communication skills, buddy. That was, uh... rough. So, like, to be clear, are you asking me to be your, well... boyfriend?\"\n\nHe nodded vigorously, then frowned and shook his head. \"I, uh, don't know how to do this,\" Knox murmured, breath hot as his words ghosted through my hair. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head before continuing in that small ghost of a voice that sounded somehow contained both uncertainty and a rock-solid conviction. [i]Truly, a man of contradictions.[/i] \"I just know that I... I want you, Nick.\" Knox squeezed me tight, like he was afraid I was going to disappear on him. \"And I know I don't want to mess this up, so... lets figure it out together, yeah?\" He nuzzled against the top of my head, and when I stroked in between his shoulder blades, a low, throaty purr filled the room. We stayed like that for a while, and when he finally spoke again, his voice was still barely above a whisper. \n\n\"I'll get it right this time.\"\n\n[center]--\nKnox\n--[/center]\n\nNick tilted his head to plant the most tender kiss I'd ever experienced on my collarbone before he snuggled even deeper into my arms.\n\n\"Together,\" he sighed contentedly.\n\nWe laid there, alone but together, cuddling against each other, for, well, I didn't know how long. Time didn't seem to matter anymore, somehow, not with Nick's warm breaths puffing through the fur on my chest. \n\nOkay, so this isn't [i]exactly[/i] what I'd had in mind when I said I was going to get him into bed, but I didn't have any regrets. He was here, snuggled up in my arms, and he finally, finally, understood. He knew I wanted him, and he wanted me too. I couldn't help myself, and I squeezed him tight, crushing him against my body. He let out a squeaky bark of laughter, but hugged me oh-so-tight in return. My paws brushed up and down Nick's back as I relaxed my grip, and he made a sound that was almost something like a purr. When I scratched my claws into his silky golden fur, he shivered and twitched as I found every sensitive spot I could reach without letting him go. \n\nAfter a while, Nick's body went loose, and his breathing grew measured and even. He let out a soft snore, and that was my cue to let him get some rest. I carefully extracted myself from his now noodly arms, and sat on the edge of the bed to put on my boots. My brain was telling me I should go--that this had been a lot for both of us tonight, more than I'd ever expected--but my chest ached at the thought of walking away. Nick looked so perfect, so at peace in the moonlight that for the first time, maybe my brain didn't know what the fuck it was talking about. It was impossible to resist giving him one more kiss, and I placed my paws on the bed to lean across and give him a peck on the forehead.\n\n\"M'headed out, Nick. Sweet dreams,\" I whispered into his fur before trying to stand up.\n\n'Tried', because Nick's hand darted out and grabbed my wrist, the strength of his grip shocking me for the second time tonight. \"Nick, what-\" \n\nHis eyes cracked open, and he tugged me closer. \"Don't go...\" he mumbled.\n\n\"Buddy, I gotta go. You need to sleep.\" I twisted my arm to gently free myself so he'd finally rest, but he wasn't having any of it, and he tightened his grip. \n\n\"Knox...\" Nick's eyes fluttered a moment, but he forced them open. He needed this--no, he needed [i]me.[/i] \"Please, just...\" He finally loosened his hold on my wrist, but his molten gaze never left mine for a moment. \"Please, stay?\" \n\n\"Fuck,\" I breathed, and I knew it'd be impossible to leave him. Not tonight. \n\nMaybe never. \n\n\"Okay. You want me to take the couch, or...?\" I hovered, knowing what answer I hoped for, but still uncertain if I was moving too fast, or -- \n\n\"Mmn-mmm.\" Nick shook his head. \"Stay with me.\" \n\n\"Okay,\" I breathed, a wave of relief washing over me. \"Okay,\" as a smile tugged at the corners of my lips and a fondness for this perfect, special man glowed in my chest. But there was something we needed to address...\n\n\"Nick, can you stand? Unless you wanna sleep with your clothes on...\"\n\nHe groaned and heaved his sleep-heavy body out of bed. Nick didn't do anything else, though; just stood there, swaying, as his head bobbed. \"Help?\" he mumbled, raising his arms towards me.\n\n\"You want me to... uh, okay?\" I licked my lips, trying not to linger on the thought of undressing him. [i]There's nothing sexual about this. All this is, is getting ready for bed... You can do this!\n[/i]\nSo, I stepped around the bed and grabbed one of his wrists. Unbuttoning the cuffs, I helped him slide out of the shirt before turning around so he could take off his pants, and there was the sliding of cloth over fur before Nick's sleepy voice piped up again. \"Are y'really gonna sleep in your jeans? Like, you can if you want, but you don't have to.\"\n\nHeat crept up my neck and burned through my cheeks, all the way up into my ears. \"Um... no, I guess?\" Still not looking at him, I fumbled with the button on my pants for a moment before finally getting it undone and sliding them off. They got caught on my ankle, and I kicked a bit, hopping on one leg before landing them in the room's corner.\n\nNick made a strangled noise. I turned, and he was standing there, perfectly pressed slacks folded in his arms. His eyes were glued to me, and that adorable, fluffy golden tail was whipping back and forth while his mouth hung slightly ajar. \"Knox...\" Nick swallowed hard, dropping the pants in an unceremonious ball on the floor as he took a jerky step towards me. \"You're... wow, you're actually here. In my room.\" He stopped mere inches from me, resting his paws on my chest. \"D'you, uh, wanna...?\" The question trailed off as he looked up at me with a heated expression that was slightly undercut by the enormous yawn that immediately followed.\n\nI let out a warm chuckle, pulling him closer to press a kiss to the top of his head. \"Yes. Absolutely, yes.\" I guided him over to his side of the bed--oh. Does that mean [i]I[/i] have a side of his bed? Not his bed, [i]our[/i] bed... [i]Wow[/i]--and pulled back the covers, easing him down and tucking him in. Nick had this adorable pout, but it was obvious that he was losing the struggle to keep his eyes open. \"[i]Later,[/i] bud. You need sleep, and so do I.\"\n\nHe nodded sleepily, wriggling deeper beneath the sheets as I walked around and slid in next to him. Laying on my back, I didn't know what to do with my arms, so I folded them beneath my head before letting loose with a yawn of my own. \"G'night, Nick.\"\n\nNick let out a dissatisfied grunt, and the bed rocked as he rolled over and clamped on to me, resting his head on my chest, and snuggling closer with a satisfied chirp. \"[i]Now[/i] it's good night,\" he murmured, and was asleep in seconds.\n\nI lowered my arms around him to tuck him even closer and smiled as sleep crept up on me. Cuddling Nick Southwell, unbelievably, was where I found myself; my last thoughts before darkness were of wishing this moment would last forever.\n\n--\n\nThe coffeepot burbled happily as I flipped another pancake onto a growing stack. It was a beautiful morning, the sun streaming in through the windows and casting everything in a golden glow. Shifting on my feet, I scratched absently at my chest as I set the spatula down and poured more batter onto the griddle. I had to admit, this was a hell of a nice way to start the day.\n\n Nick shuffled in behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder. He was still half-asleep, hair sticking up every which way, wearing a loose t-shirt that barely came down to the waistband of his briefs.\n\n\"Morning, sleepyhead.\" I reached out and ruffled his hair as he reached for the cupboard with the coffee mugs. \"I, uh, hope you like `em a little crispy.\"\n\nNick snorted, stretching with a groan as he shuffled over to the coffeepot. \"I didn't have to cook. [i]So[/i] not complaining.\"\n\nI flipped the next round of pancakes, chuckling to myself. This was a far cry from last night's tense scene. He was relaxed, comfy, and for the moment, so was I. We'd slipped back into our old habits so easily, with the rhythm of us in the kitchen, the graceful way we moved around each other--it seemed so natural, and I reveled in the domestic bliss. He set his coffee cup on the counter and rummaged in the fridge for the orange juice, and without thinking, I handed him a glass. Our fingertips brushed together, and neither of us shied away.\n\nIt felt good. Solid. Like this really [i]wasn't[/i] some passing fling. For either of us. \n\nThen the front door swung open.\n\n\"Nick! We're home early! Something smells wonderful, are you cooking breakfast?\" \n\nNick's mother's unmistakable voice sent a chill rolling down my spine. Nick stiffened, and I turned, spatula still in hand, as Richard and Connie Southwell stepped into the kitchen. Her eyes locked on me, and whatever warmth she'd had in her voice fled in an instant.\n\nHer face darkened, and the stormy eyes that looked exactly like Nick's flashed as her hands balled into fists. \"Get out,\" she snapped.\n\nI flinched, and Nick put a paw on my arm. \"Mom--\"\n\n\"Get away from him, Nicholas.\" Her hackles rose, and she growled as she bared her teeth. \"Now, sweetie.\"\n\nI stared at her, gripping the spatula so hard the wooden handle creaked. This was so not how I'd imagined meeting his parents again. I certainly wouldn't have done it in my boxers, at least. That sharp tone, the instant dismissal... I'd almost expected it, but it still cast a bitter taste over my tongue.\n\nI flipped the stove off, setting down the spatula with care. The griddle needed to come off the heat, so I picked up a potholder and was in the middle of moving it aside when Richard's voice barked out, \"What the hell happened to you?\"\n\nNick's father was staring at his son's knees, all wrapped in gauze. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going through his mind--he saw me, saw the bandages, put two and two together and made five.\n\nMy jaw clenched, and I balled up my fists. Forcing myself to not react was a battle I nearly lost, but this wasn't my fight. Not yet. I didn't care what they thought of me, though a part of me had always hoped to be at least get to friendly with them. But they wouldn't have listened to me, anyway. Nick was the only one who stood a chance of getting through to them.\n\nHe swallowed hard, glaring at his parents, the back-and-forth in his mind tugging at him. `Should I stay quiet? Or fight back?'\n\nHis mother's ire returned to me. \"I won't say it again. Get out of my house,\" Connie said through gritted teeth.\n\nNick met my gaze, and something deep in my chest knotted up tight. It wasn't anger, not this time. It felt a whole hell of a lot more like my least favorite emotion--doubt. I may not have cared what Richard and Connie thought of me, but apparently, I cared an [i]awful[/i] lot about what Nick thought. I leaned over to whisper in his ear. \"Nick, say the word, and I'm gone. It'll be okay. We can talk this through another time.\"\n\nMy eyes were fixed on him, and only him. This wasn't about his parents. It wasn't even about me. It was about Nick. \n\nNo, that wasn't right either. This was about [i]us.[/i]\n\nA single, forceful word rang out through the kitchen.\n\n\"No.\"\n\nNick's voice was firm and unyielding, and he squared his shoulders while jutting his chin out at his parents. Silence fell, thick and suffocating, and I faced his parents again. \n\nHis mother was frozen, blinking, with her mouth hanging open, and Richard looked like he'd been transformed into one of those wax statues, expressionless and silent. I exhaled slowly before turning back to Nick, watching him closely. \n\nHis arm wrapped around my waist, and I reflexively draped mine around his back to pull him close. His heartbeat was almost audible in the quiet space he now commanded. \"I'm not asking him to leave. I don't want him to. He [i]stays.[/i]\"\n\nConnie inhaled sharply, but Nick cut her off before she spoke. \"No, Mom. You don't get to make this decision for me.\" He squeezed me tight, but his body still trembled. [i]Is that anger, or nerves? Probably both.[/i] \"I'm an adult now, and I get to make my own decisions. I said he stays; he stays.\"\n\n\"He's not welcome here,\" his mother said, venom dripping from her every word. \"What he did to you is unforgivable. He can't be trusted, and I won't have him in my house!\"\n\n\"Knox?\" Nick looked up at me, his lips pressed into a thin line, expression a mask of determination. \"Go to my room and get dressed. I need to have a chat with my parents.\"\n\n\"You sure? I can, like, leave. I don't want to get between you and your parents--\"\n\n\"Do you actually [i]want[/i] to leave?\" Nick's eyebrow lifted as he waited for my to answer.\n\nI considered my next words for only a moment, before settling on the single word that seemed to be the theme of this morning. \"No.\"\n\n\"Good.\" Nick squeezed me tightly. \"Go get dressed. I'll be there in a minute, promise.\"\n\nHe slid his arm off me, and I slowly paced to his room again, casting a backwards glance at my b- [i]er,[/i] at Nick. His fiery glare burned as he faced down his enraged parents. Raised voices came from behind the door as I closed it--not quite yelling, but definitely heated. \n\nI'd pulled on my pants and boots, and was casting around for my shirt when Nick walked in, shaking from head to toe and holding my flannel. I'd completely forgotten that I left it in the living room, and when he held it out to me, I took it, slipping it on and doing up the buttons. In the meantime, Nick pulled on a pair of gym shorts and started throwing things into his luggage. \"So,\" he said with a tremor in his voice. \"I know this is like, way sudden, but uh...\" he licked his lips and ran a paw through his messy hair. \"could I, like, stay with you for a while?\"\n\nMy stomach fluttered, and my thoughts raced as I tried to figure out what was happening. \"I mean, yeah, of course, but what's wrong with here?\" Bile rose in my throat as a fury heated my chest. \"Wait, they didn't fucking kick you out, did they? I swear to God I'll--\"\n\nHe put a hand to the side of my cheek, and the fight drained out of me at his tender touch. \"They didn't kick me out. I told them I wanted you to stay here, with me, and they wouldn't back down, so I told them I was going with you, wherever that was.\" His eyes searched mine, body stiff. He was giving me the chance to, I don't know, second-guess myself? To walk away? Instead, I pulled him in for a hug, and he sagged against me and wrapped his arms around my back.\n\n\"Nick, if you're [i]sure[/i] this is what you want--\"\n\n\"It is,\" he said firmly, all traces of hesitation burned away.\n\n\"Okay, then.\" I let him go and hid my face so that he didn't see my eyes getting misty. He'd chosen me. Stood in the kitchen, in the house that had been his sanctuary for years, faced down his loving, doting parents, and chosen [i]me.[/i] Try as I might, I couldn't disguise the sniffle as I tried to compose myself, and when I finally returned to him, I prayed my face reflected the warmth and caring he'd shown me. I picked up a crumpled pair of socks and stuffed them in his duffel bag. \"I've gotchu. Let's get you packed up, yeah?\"\n\nI carried his luggage while Nick hauled his laptop bag, and we made our way to the door. His parents were sitting on the couch in the living room, Richard rubbing his wife's back while Connie seethed. She stood when she saw us going, calling after Nick as he slipped into his shoes. \"He's only going to hurt you, honey!\" I gritted my teeth. She was probably right for the first time since she came in, but I'd be damned if I wouldn't do everything possible to avoid that. \"You're making a mistake!\"\n\nNick opened the front door, ushering me out, and called over his shoulder as he walked away from his parents' home. \"He might. And yeah, this might be a mistake.\" I flinched and went to pull away, but he threaded his arm through mine and tugged me toward the truck. \"But it's my mistake to make. He's worth it, Mom. You'll see.\"\n\n[center]--\nNick\n--[/center]\n\nKnox chucked my luggage in the back of his pickup as I climbed into the passenger seat. I was fumbling with the seatbelt when he swung himself up into the cab. My hands were shaking so hard I couldn't slot the damn thing into the buckle, and I was cursing under my breath when Knox's paws slid over mine, dwarfing them in an instant. \"Nick, it... it's going to be okay. You're okay.\" He took the buckle from me and clicked it into place before firing up the truck and turning it around. Suddenly, we were heading away from a house that no longer felt entirely like home. \n\nThrough the back window, the house got further and further away. I kept hoping to see my mom come running outside, begging me to stay, telling me she'd work things out with Knox, that she'd do it for me... but the front door stayed frustratingly shut until the house was out of sight behind the wooded drive.\n\nI sagged against the beat-up bench seat as we rumbled down the road and realized I honest-to-God had no clue where we were going. [i]Oh, shit, wait a minute,[/i] I thought, and hugged myself tight. \"Knox, you, uh, don't still live with your mom, do you?\"\n\nHe reached over and gave my thigh a squeeze. \"Don't you worry that pretty little head. I've got my own place. I think I mentioned that once or twice, in passing. But...\" he scratched the back of his head, ducking away from me as much as possible without taking his eyes off the road. \"It's not like your folk's place; it's not nice or nothin'. Just a few rooms and a couch. It's, well, a little rough. Weren't like I was having company.\"\n\nOh, man. I hadn't thought about it, but Knox had to be pretty stressed, too. His drawl was leaking out of his every word, and he was rapidly drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. I cleared my throat against the sudden tightness of it, and said, \"If you want, I can probably get a room at the Burnside Motel. You don't have to put me up--\"\n\nKnox pulled off to the side of the road onto the dirt shoulder, slamming the gearshift into park. He unbuckled my seatbelt, and I let out a squeak as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and yanked me to the middle of the seat, right up against him. He was so, so warm, so solid, and I only resisted for a moment before burrowing into him. \"Nick, you listening to me?\" \n\nHis tone was deadly serious, almost more of a statement than a question. \"Y-yeah?\" I couldn't hide the tremor in my voice.\n\n\"Good, 'cause I'm only gonna say this one more time.\" He pulled away enough for my eyes to meet his, and I saw conviction pouring from those mossy orbs. Knox leaned down, his lips brushing my ear, and the tickle of his breath caused me to squirm. \"You say the word, and I'm gone. If there ever comes a time that my being around causes you pain, I'll run, and I won't stop runnin', until you tell me I can stop.\"\n\nHe kissed my cheek, folding me against him again to rest his chin on top of my head. \"But I don't think there's ever gonna come a time where I don't want you around. I don't know a lot, but I meant it when I said I wanted to figure this out with you. And I meant it when I said I don't do casual, too.\" Knox's voice quivered a little, and cracked when he whispered, \"You're [i]sure[/i] you want to stay with me, Nick?\" \n\nI really, really did. \"Yes,\" was all I managed whispering out as I nodded and squeezed in closer, as tight as I could, to his side. \"Yes,\" I said again, a little louder this time, and with a lot more conviction.\n\nKnox let out a sharp breath, then chuckled. \"Good.\" And before I knew it, he was starting the truck and putting it in gear. I started shuffling back to my seat, but he held me with that steely arm of his, and said, \"Uh-uh. Nope. You're gonna quit running from me and stay right next to me, bud. I'm...\" Knox's voice got all soft and thoughtful, and I closed the slight distance I'd made in a flash as he continued. \"Well, I'm not ready to let you go just yet.\"\n\nAnd we drove. Past the trees, past the fields, and through downtown. Then we were across the railroad tracks, and into the most suburban part of Mavis, where the farmhands and non-farming workers lived. We kept driving to nearly the end of town, down some back road that I'd never seen before, and pulled up to a small ranch-style that was in markedly better shape than the other five houses on the cul-de-sac. \"Well,\" Knox said, giving me one last squeeze before releasing me. \"This is, uh...\" he let out a thready laugh, like he was afraid that this would finally scare me off. \"Well, yeah. This is... me.\" \n\nThe entire drive, he never let me go. Not once. We'd stop at a stoplight, and he'd bend down to kiss the top of my head, or hold me tighter. And at the railroad tracks, when we'd had to stop for the train, he tilted my chin up and kissed me for real, leaving me breathless by the time we started moving again.\n\nI wasn't about to let a man so tender and sweet scare me off that easily. How much had I been starving for affection all these years? There'd been plenty of hookups, sure, but it's not like I'd ever wanted anything long-term with any of them. It'd all seemed hollow compared to what I'd had with...\n\n[i]Oh, fuck.\n\nHad I been comparing them to Knox? This entire fucking time?[/i]\n\nAnd I had been, hadn't I? Greg wasn't affectionate enough, Bill was too small and meek, Jack had been too aggressive. There'd never been that pull with any of them the way I there was with Knox, and so I'd kept them all at arm's length. They were a means to an end, a convenient way to pass the time... and that [i]definitely[/i] wasn't how I felt about the tiger whose arm fit so comfortably around my shoulders.\n\nShaking my head to clear it, I straightened my back, leaving that minor--okay, massive--revelation aside, and opened my door to hop out of the truck, calling out over my shoulder, \"I can't wait to get inside.\" Knox jumped down and went around the bed to grab my suitcase and duffel bag, and my stomach growled as we reached his front door. I gave an embarrassed giggle. \"Hope you got some food in there, cause I'm starving.\"\n\n[center]--\nKnox\n--[/center]\n\n\"Uh...\" I froze, key in the lock, as a mental inventory of everything I had in the kitchen rushed through my head. Then I turned my head to Nick, and it hit me that I'd been standing there stock-still, like he'd broken me somehow. And in a way, he kinda had--my house really wasn't much, but I had this urgent [i]need[/i] to impress him, and a can of plain old oatmeal wasn't gonna cut it. \"I mean, yeah, I got food, I guess.\" I shook myself and finally opened the lock, pushing open the door. The hinges squealed, and I groaned in response. I'd have to grease those later; I couldn't keep putting it off now that Nick was here. Shit, when was the last time I cleaned the bathroom? [i]Crap, crap, crap, I gotta go check on that--[/i]\n\nNick shoved me in the small of my back, and I stumbled into the living room. He followed closely behind, shutting the door behind him and locking it before pinching my ear and pulling me down to his level. \"Ow-ow-ow! Nick, what the--\"\n\nHe silenced me with a kiss, hands framing my face as his satiny lips glided over my rougher ones. \"Dude, you're tense as all hell.\" He pointed at the couch, which had a few shirts (thankfully clean ones) draped over the back of it, and commanded me to \"Sit. Relax.\"\n\nSo, I sat. Relaxing was harder, as he wandered into the kitchen and started rooting around in my cupboards. Eventually, he called out, \"Oh, hey! You've got oatmeal. That'll be perfect, hun.\"\n\nAnd my heart stuttered. Partially because he'd been happy with the most boring breakfast ever, but most because he'd called me...\n\nHe'd called me [i]hun.[/i]\n\nBut was that the `we're-a-thing-and-I'm-being-sweet' hun? Or was it the southern version of `hun' that doesn't mean anything romantic at all? What to do now... how to find out...\n\n[i]Oh, I know. [/i]I summoned up all the courage I had left, and hollered back to him, \"No problem...\" Fuck, am I gonna be able to say it? Shit, I have to say it now, or he'll think I'm being weird again. [i]Say it, c'mon, say it... [/i]\"babe.\"\n\nA spoon clattered against the linoleum floor, and a hushed voice responded with \"N-no problem.\" He went silent as other sounds trickled out of my kitchen: my electric kettle beeping, a couple of plastic caps popping followed by more liquid pouring (odd), the scraping of stainless steel on ceramic as Nick stirred the quick-cook oats. I'd expected him to call me over to the table, but he walked back to the couch, bringing me a bowl of...\n\n\"Uh, Nick?\" I stared down at the bowl of simple oats adorned with creamy milk, rich and sticky syrup and... \"Where did you get raisins from?\"\n\nNick shrugged. \"They were in the back of your fridge. I checked the date on them, they're still good.\" He blinked and started bouncing his knee. \"Oh, shoot, I didn't even ask if you [i]liked[/i] raisins.\" He set his bowl on the coffee table and reached out to take mine back. \"Sorry, I'll-\"\n\nI hastily scooped up a bite of the breakfast and stuffed it in my mouth. The raisins were a bit on the chewy side, and they stuck to my teeth as I swallowed. \"[i]Mmf[/i]--D-don't worry about it. I like raisins. I was just surprised, is all. Didn't know I had all this stuff, honestly.\" I took another spoonful and smiled at Nick. \"Everything's all good. Promise.\"\n\nA shy smile appeared on his face, and he picked up his bowl again. When he took a bite, his eyes widened. \"Oh!\" He started shoveling it in as fast as he could. \"It really ish good!\"\n\nNick finished with his bowl a good few minutes before I did. When I'd scraped up the last of the oatmeal, he took the dishes back to the kitchen and set them in the dishwasher. I checked my phone while he was gone, taking a moment to text the guys at the shop that I needed a personal day, and to ask Marcus to go pick up the damn oil pan caps I kept forgetting about. Mrs. Wyrdmott was going to kill me. Her car never took me this long. Maybe I'd give her a discount, or a coupon, or something...\n\nA firm, but gentle pressure pinched my shoulders, interrupting my thought spiral while kneading them. I almost dropped my phone as I let out an unashamed moan of pleasure, sinking back against the couch as Nick found all the little, and not-so-little, spots of tension I'd been carrying around and massaged them away.\n\nWhen he moved to my neck, rubbing his soft thumbs along the base before working his way up, I moaned again, and he chuckled quietly, letting his firm but tender touch melt away all my worries. When he'd finished, Nick wrapped his arms around my shoulders from behind and kissed the back of my neck. \"Better, hun?\" \n\nHis tone was unmistakably playful, and I purred in response. \"Way better. Where'd you learn to do that?\"\n\nHe twitched, mumbling something I didn't quite catch. So, I asked him to repeat himself, and he sighed. \"It was... an old hookup. Some guy taking massage therapy courses while I was in school.\" Nick's arms stiffened, and when he continued, his voice was stiff too. \"You probably don't want to hear that, though. Sorry. I didn't want to make something up, though; I didn't want to lie to you.\"\n\nWrapping my paws around his wrists, I tugged Nick closer as I tilted my head back and gave him an upside-down kiss. \"I don't mind,\" I assured him. \"I mean, don't go telling me all the dirty details, but hey, I'm happy to reap the rewards. Like, I...\" I trailed off, trying to figure out how to phrase the next part. \"Uh, well, it's not like I have any experience with guys--or functional relationships--so it's good that at least one of us knows what they're doing, right?\" \n\nMy stomach twisted up in knots, and I full-on panicked when Nick stood up and took his arms away before walking around and settling right next to me. Leaning in, he rested his head on my chest and his hand settled on my side, where he absently stroked along the sensitive skin under my flannel. \"Knox, I need to tell you something.\"\n\n[i]Uh-oh. Shit, did I say something again?[/i] \"Y-yeah?\"\n\nHe took a deep breath and blew it out through his nose. His hand stilled, and he gave me a squeeze. \"You're right, I have experience with guys, but, uh...\" Nick swallowed audibly. \"Not so much with relationships. Like, at all.\"\n\nI sat there, gears turning in my mind, trying to process what Nick just said. \n\n[i]He doesn't have experience with relationships? None at all? \n\nDid I hear that right?[/i]\n\nMy jaw clenched tightly before I choked out the words, \"S-so, you've, um, never dated?\"\n\n\"Nope.\"\n\n[i]\"Ever?\"[/i]\n\n\"Never ever.\" Nick shifted, crawling into my lap and hooking his arm behind my neck while raising his other paw to glide his thumb across my cheek. His gaze was steady, but his eyes were shining when he whispered, \"You're the furthest I've ever gotten with a guy, and we haven't even gone all the way.\" A sniffle, and a single tear rolled down his cheek as emotion choked his voice. \"You're my first, well, whatever this is. I've never had this with anyone else, not even close.\"\n\n[i]Say it, [/i]my heart urged, pounding wildly in my chest.\n\n[i]Say it,[/i] my brain seconded as it showed me fantastical visions of what a future with Nick might look like.\n\n[i]Do I want him like this? Forever? It's gotta be too early for that. We've only been doing this for a couple of days...\n\nBut haven't I known him a lot longer than that? Is it really too soon to say it? Am I ready, even?\n\nCan I call him my boyfriend? [/i]\n\nI took a deep breath, opening my mouth, but the words died on my tongue. Speaking it would turn the fantasy into reality, cement it in place, and I wasn't ready for that yet. Neither was Nick, from the way he was dancing around it, too.\n\nAnd as we sat together, Nick curled up in my lap, my arms holding him steady, I knew that there was time. We had time. Time to grow into this beautiful, terrifying, exciting... relationship. At least I was admitting to myself that this [i]was[/i] a relationship of sorts. God, I wanted him so [i]bad,[/i] and even though I couldn't make myself say the words, I knew what I needed to do.\n\nSlipping one arm under Nick's knees, I put the other at his back and stood, lifting him in the air as I did, and carried him off down the hall. Second doorway on the left. My bed was thankfully spread up, though the slightly acrid, funky scent of sweaty dude hit my nose when I walked in. I pushed away the panic over my funky bedding, and laid him gently on my mattress before joining him, face-to-face with each other. His dark brown hair was still sticking up, and one lock had fallen over his forehead. I gingerly reached out and brushed it away before pulling him close to kiss his forehead. \"Hey, Nick?\"\n\n\"Yeah?\" He looked up at me with bright, glossy eyes, and I swear he was glowing. In that moment, my heart stuttered, and I'd never wanted anything--anyone--more.\n\n\"I-I...\" my voice choked off as an emotion swelled inside me that hadn't been there since senior year. I couldn't make any sound, so instead I pressed my lips to his, pushing all the heat and strange, powerful feelings into one kiss. We made a smacking sound when we parted, and Nick looked slightly stunned, with a goofy smile pasted on his muzzle. \n\n\"This is all new for me, too.\" Finally, I was able to talk! I hurried on before I lost my voice again. \"And I don't care what we call this--us, whatever--because all I want is you, Nick. You, and me, and a door to lock out the world and let us be... us.\" I paused another moment, letting the next words roll around on my tongue before I let them slip out.\n\n\"I'm so lucky that you came back. That you chose me. You gave me another chance, and I swear I'm not gonna let you down again. Because...\" [i]Deep breath, Knox, you can do this...[/i] \"I-I'll choose you, too. Every time.\"\n\nRolling onto my back, I pulled Nick on top of me so that his head was resting on my chest and his arm draped over me. \"I wanna be close to you for a while. Like, literally close.\" I rubbed my rough paw up and down his back, and his t-shirt rode up enough that I could scritch my claws through the silky fur on his lower back. My voice broke again as I whispered those three magic little words.\n\n\"Cuddle with me?\"\n\nAnd he did. For the rest of the morning, until we had to break for lunch, he stayed right there in my arms. He fit against me like a puzzle piece, like he was made to be there, and I knew that this was what I'd been missing all this time. \n\nI'd been living in this house for almost five years.\n\nHaving Nick snuggled up against me, laying in the quiet together, I finally figured out what that strange warmth was.\n\nYeah, I'd bought a house. But bringing Nick inside and holding him, having him all to myself? Letting myself lose control, letting him have me, all of me?\n\nHell. I'd lived in this house for six years, trying desperately to make it mine, to make the place feel like somewhere I could spend the rest of my life.\n\nFunny how the second I let Nick inside, it finally, finally felt like home.\n\n[center]--\nTo Be Continued...\n--\n[/center]\n","writing_bbcode_parsed":"--
Knox
--
On what planet... no, in what universe am I lucky enough to have Nick Southwell kissing me? There wasn't any scenario that I'd thought of while I was, well, over-thinking everything, that ended with this. Yeah, I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind--the memory of that drunken kiss last night had my insides all twisted up in knots.
But that kiss had nothing, and I mean nothing, on what was happening right now.
Eyes closed; impossibly soft lips pressed to my rough ones, the faint taste of lemonade still lingering on him. Nick resting his weight against me, the warmth of his body seeping through his shirt as my paws circled that slender waist. He trusted me to hold him up, hold him close, and the slight tremor running through him told me he needed both. And holding him close was exactly what I wanted, so, well... I did.
This wasn't the bruising, frantic kiss from before. It was as tender, as gentle as the warm evening breeze that rustled through the wooded drive. My heart pounded in my chest, my entire body heating, and I'm not gonna lie; I'm as manly as they come, but when the piercing smack of Nick pulling away echoed around us, the ache inside me that grew from his absence knocked the wind clean out of me.
Nick tilted his head back to look me in the eye. "Knox?" he whispered.
"Hnm?" I grunted, not quite ready to be capable of speech.
"What are you thinking?" His voice was so, so quiet, so contemplative, and when he moved to brush his thumb over my cheek, it sent my brain into overdrive. I could hardly think as he slipped his arm around my neck again.
"What?" I blinked, still coming down from the haze that kiss had put me in. "Uh. Nick. That was... a lot." Nick frowned, and I haltingly added, "A... good lot? Yeah! It was, uh, good?" Stupid! Why the heck did I say it like a question? I let out a thready chuckle, one paw still resting on his waist while I ran the other through my hair. "I don't think I was ready for that. Not in a bad way, I swear, just... surprised." My voice betrayed me, cracking and going hoarse at the end. Smooth, Knox. Real smooth.
His smile faltered, his expression shifting like a sudden thunderstorm rolling in over the horizon. When he started pulling away, my stomach dropped like a rock. "Nick?" I said, voice quivering, asking some kind of question that I didn't understand. Something was going wrong here, and the only thing I knew was that I had to fix it.
Nick separated from me and turned around, his shoulders stiff as he walked away. Every instinct I had was screaming at me to reach for him, close the distance, and stop him from hiding inside himself. But, I knew Nick. Pushing him only ever made him run further away. So, I forced myself to wait, my aching paws flexing uselessly at my sides.
It seemed like an eternity, but it was probably only like a minute before Nick's shoulders slumped. He turned back toward me, and the way he didn't quite look at me while his shoulders hunched over his chest made me ache all over. "I'm sorry, Knox."
What? Sorry for what? He kissed me. I kissed him. Didn't that mean... I dunno, something? Why did he think he needed to apologize?
"I shouldn't have pushed you," Nick said, his voice rough and low. His gaze dropped to the ground, and his arms swung limply for a moment before he hugged himself tightly, like he was trying to hold himself together. "It was too much, too fast, wasn't it? I wanted to show you how I felt, but..." His breath hitched, and he shook his head a few times before muttering, "Why couldn't I leave well enough alone? What's wrong with me?"
"What? Nick, dude, there's nothing wrong with you," I said, reaching for him, but he flinched back as his arms tightened around him like he might turn them into a wall to throw between us. The tears brimming in his eyes were a sucker punch, pulling the air from my lungs. "Nick, stop. Please don't..."
"You're right to be confused," he interrupted, his voice cracking. "I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I didn't..." His words dissolved into a choked sob, and his eyes drifted away from me as he trembled. "Please don't hate me. Not after I just got you back."
That was it. Whatever had my feet frozen in place shattered, and I closed the distance in three long strides. He didn't even see me coming, and when I slipped my paws under his arms and lifted him off the ground, his startled gasp almost broke me.
"Nick," I said, my voice rough, my rough paws firm but as gentle as I knew how to make them as they held him aloft. "Listen to me. I don't hate you. Not even close. This... this is new to me, yeah? And look, I'm real stupid. You're gonna have to bear with me while I figure this out."
He tried to look away, his tears slowing but still slipping down his cheeks, so I shook him gently--just enough to make him focus. "Nope. C'mon. Look at me."
His gaze finally met mine, hesitant and unsure. I kept my eyes locked on him as I asked, "Can you tell me what made you think I hated you?"
"You looked confused, and stunned, and a little bit... ill," he whispered, his voice barely audible. "And when I asked what you were thinking, all you said was that it was a lot. That's literally all you said. So, I knew I'd overwhelmed you..." He licked his lips, and I saw those eyes getting shiny again. Aw, hell. It was me, after all.
I sighed, setting him down carefully but keeping my paws firmly on his shoulders so he couldn't escape. "You didn't overwhelm me, Nick. You did surprise me, yeah, but it was in the best possible way."
He stammered, words spilling out in a frantic rush. "I'm sorry, Knox. I didn't mean to freak you out. I mean, it was--the roses, and you were being so sweet, and the mood was--God, I--"
"Nick." My tone was low and growly, cutting through his rambling.
"W-what?" He looked at me like a deer in headlights, wide-eyed and ready to bolt.
"Shut up." And before he said another word, I kissed him. Man, I kissed him hard. My arms wrapped around him, pulling him close as I poured everything I didn't have words to say into that kiss. Every ounce of longing, of need, of reassurance. When he finally melted against me, his paws clutching at my shirt, I bent him back, savoring the way he fit perfectly in my arms.
Heh, bendy little pup.
Whoa. Okay, that was new. And... interesting. We'd have to explore that a little later, me and my subconscious, but now was not the time.
Nick sagged, turning to putty in my hands, and suddenly I saw it all so clear - him showing me around the big city someday, pride in his voice as he pointed out all his favorite spots. Us at the lake on hot summer days, his fur slicked down by the water, laughing as we raced each other just like we used to do. Simple little things, sure, but it was right in a way I couldn't explain. And for once in my life, I didn't even try.
When I pulled Nick to his feet and released him from my embrace, breaking the kiss at the same time, he whined, high and needy, and my pants started getting a little tight as that pulling sensation came back.
Oh. So that's what that meant. And my walls cracked--just a little--and I needed more. So much more.
A deep growl rose from my throat. Nick shivered as the bass rumbled through him, and placing my palm flat in the center of his chest, I gently, but firmly, pushed.
Nick stumbled as I guided him backwards, his breath hitching, his heart drumming rapidly beneath my paw. We moved together, one step after the other, until he let out a soft, startled gasp as he hit the rough bark of the tree.
The way he looked up at me, eyes glowing with heat, mouth a rounded `O' of surprise, this overwhelming urge to kiss him swelled up inside me. I'd been denying this part of me for too long.
I'm done pretending I don't want to lose control.
So, I kissed him. Softly at first, the barest whisper of a touch. Then I kissed him hard, and when he finally opened for me, I slipped my tongue inside, exploring every inch of his beautiful maw. We kissed until our lips were puffy and swollen, and panting for air.
Pausing for a moment to recover, Nick looked up at me with a molten gaze, and I'd have kissed him all over again if he hadn't spoken. "You... you're sure you want to do this?"
I had feelings, but still no words, so I had to sorta... let go. Our lips met again, gentle again, and I let my paws roam; exploring, savoring every touch. I found my way to the first button of his shirt, hesitating, but only for a second. When Nick's fingers closed over mine, steadying me, I popped it open, moving down one button at a time, savoring the warmth from his fur beneath.
I broke away from claiming his face with my mouth to nose underneath his floppy right ear, the one with that gorgeous silver cuff, and in a fit of utter insanity, I breathed, "Wanna do something weird with me?"
A tremor ran through the man I had pinned to a tree, and he groaned, which sent an answering zing up my spine. Fucking yes! "Knox?" The way he whined out my name was the most beautiful fucking thing I'd ever heard.
"Yeah?" Stroking the back of my paw against his cheek, I pressed a kiss to the top of his head.
He leaned into my touch, nuzzling against my hand. Letting out the happiest sigh, he looked me right in the eyes and whispered...
"Do it. Let's get weird."
A grin spread across my face, and a low chuckle rumbled its way from my chest. "Okay? Yeah... okay! Let's see what you got, city boy."
A smirk played across my lips as I lifted Nick up and pressed him against the tree, reveling in his sinful groan. But as my desire for him grew stronger, so did my inner turmoil. Was I really going to do this? Take things to the next level with someone who supposedly wanted to be nothing more than a casual companion?
"Knox," he panted, eyes filled with emotions I didn't quite understand. I eased up for a moment, just looking at him. Was this too much for him? Crap, had I gone too far this time? I'd wanted to let him catch his breath, but he snaked his hand around the back of my head and pulled me in for a bruising kiss. "Knox," he whispered again, and this time his voice brimmed with a need so plain, even I couldn't miss it. "Knox, please don't stop..."
And I had stopped for a moment, unsure of how far I should take this. But when Nick's pleading voice urged me on, I gave in to him. Yet even as we continued to grind against each other in the heat of the moment, I couldn't shake the notion that something wasn't right.
Nick wriggled in my grasp, pressing his butt back into me. And shit, he was grinding right against my- "Come on, man!" He let out a breathy chuckle. "I'm good." More grinding against me, and it took all the strength I had not to pop right then and there. "So, so good," he said in a low, heated voice.
Finally breaking away from him, I caught my breath and looked up at his house nearby. This wasn't where I wanted to make love to Nick for the first time. He deserved better than a quick hook-up in his parents' driveway.
There was a bed less than five minutes away, and come hell or high water, I was going to get him into it.
"Nick?" I whispered.
He let out a little frustrated growl, and even though his pants were that loose fit he always preferred, I could still make out the outline of a bulge there. Nope! Stay strong, man. You can do this. "What?" Concern marred that beautiful heated look he'd been giving me. "What's wrong?"
"I... it's nothing. But, uh, let's maybe go somewhere else?" I gave him a quick kiss on the nose, followed by a lick on the same spot, which caused him to splutter adorably. "Come on. Get back in the truck."
But as we headed towards my pickup, I was both excited, and conflicted, about what was growing between us. What was this to him, and for that matter, what was this to me? Is this physical attraction or is it something... more? Did either of us actually want more? And am I ready to face the consequences of exploring all these feelings?
--
Nick
--
We didn't speak as we piled back into Knox's truck and drove the handful of minutes up to the house. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, but it carried weight, like there were words hovering ever-so-slightly out of reach. I caught myself glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, searching for something--a sign, a clue--that might tell me what was going on in his head. Was he having second thoughts about this? About us?
Before my doubts started to spiral, Knox cut the engine. He fixed his eyes on me, and there was a smoldering intensity there that made my breath hitch. Without a word, he leaned across the cab and kissed me. He wasn't gentle or questioning. No, this one burned with the kind of heat that made my heart race. When he finally pulled back, his paw lingered on my cheek, his thumb brushing over my fur. "Stay right there," he said, his voice low and rumbly before jumping down out of the cab and jogging around to my side of the truck.
I sat there, stunned, my lips tingling and my thoughts spinning in a hundred directions. The kiss had been everything I wanted... but was it everything he wanted? Knox was a mystery wrapped in contradictions. One moment he seemed frozen, unsure of what this meant for him. The next, he was kissing me like his life depended on it. For the first time in my life, I didn't know which version of Knox was the real one.
He opened my door and reached out, his broad, calloused hands beckoning me. "Come on," he said, his voice softer now, but no less certain. "I gotchu."
Something about the way he spoke now--gentle, almost pleading--made my chest tighten. I wanted to believe him, to believe in this... whatever this was. But my uncertainty lingered, along with a less-than-reassuring voice in the back of my mind whispering that perhaps he didn't know what he wanted, either.
I hesitated for only a moment before pushing the doubt aside. As long as he said he was ready, I'd do my damnedest to believe him. I leaped into his arms without a second thought, and he caught me with an amused grunt. "Oof!" he said, hoisting me up into his arms with a grin. At that moment, everything seemed so simple. Easy. Just like it used to be. I laughed--a real, unrestrained laugh that almost sounded unfamiliar, like something I'd been hiding for years. I snuggled deep into his arms, letting go and seeing where the night took us.
Since his arms were full of, well, me, he fumbled with the doorknob. Good thing I forgot to lock it, I guess--it's not like we'd ever bothered locking our doors way out here in the sticks, anyway. After a couple of tries, he was successful, and turning sideways, he stepped into the house.
As Knox kicked the door closed, though, I caught a flicker of something in his eyes. It was only for a second, but it was unmistakably hesitation that flashed in his eyes. A crack in that mask of cool confidence. My chest tightened as he settled me on my feet. Which version of Knox was the real one? The man who carried me like I was precious, or the one who was still uncertain?
As we kicked off our shoes, the range hood light from the kitchen cast a dim glow through the entryway. It wasn't much; just bright enough that his feline eyes glowed--no, literally glowed--in the light. He blinked them slowly as a lazy smile settled onto his features. "Hey," he whispered.
"Hey," I murmured back, settling my palms on his broad chest and leaning into him.
"You're, uh..." One paw settled on my waist while the other moved to rub at the back of his neck as he looked away. "You're, like, really cute. Just... wow."
"Aww." I chuckled, but buried my face in his chest to hide what I'm certain was the world's sappiest grin. "You're sweet."
"You're sweeter. I should know." Tilting my chin upward, I found him leering back at me. "After all, I've had a taste, now."
That was it. I melted against him, pressing as close as I could manage. Hell, if I'd thought I could squeeze underneath that stupid, sexy, sleeveless flannel, I'd have done it.
Well, there was always the next best thing. Paws shaking, I started unbuttoning his shirt. It was well-worn, and the buttons came unfastened with ease. Once the shirt slipped off, I ran my paws up Knox's sides to his shoulders. His full-body shiver at my touch was... wrong, though. It definitely wasn't pleasure; no, it was something else. His breath hitched for a moment, and he caught my wrists before pulling me into a kiss, but it wasn't the same; he was holding something back. I barely had time to process that before he pulled away entirely, crossing his arms over his stomach and looking away.
"Knox? What's wrong?" This bizarre mood lighting was giving me a headache, so I grabbed one of his wrists and pulled him over to the couch, flipping on the lights as we passed by.
After we sat side-by-side, not quite touching, Knox let out a deep sigh. "Nothing's wrong. Not exactly. I mean yes, there's something, but it's probably not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be. It's stupid. I'm stupid--"
I punched him in the shoulder. Not as hard as I was capable of, really, but pretty damn close. That finally made him look at me again, confusion writ large on his face. "Knox?"
"Uh... yeah?"
I grabbed his chin and locked him in place so he couldn't look away again. "You're not stupid. Besides, aren't we friends?"
"I, well..." he twisted against my grip for a moment before letting his shoulders sag. Knox settled for closing his eyes as he let out a snort. "I don't know," he mumbled. "Are we friends? You never said, and you know I hate assumptions."
Releasing him, I wrapped my arms around his soft, muscled-yet-cushiony midsection. Squeezing tightly, I was delighted at how deliciously solid he was, a grounding presence I'd missed so, so badly. "Knox," I mumbled into his furry side, "I don't kiss people who aren't my friends."
He gave a start, and I was worried that he'd pull away. But no. Instead, he wrapped an arm around my back and pulled me closer. I breathed him in, the scent of his deodorant slightly spicy as it tickled my nose. He rumbled contentedly, and I nuzzled into him. "So," he said in a measured voice, "What are we to each other, Nick?"
Okay, now I was confused. "Like I said, we're friends. Just friends. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"I'm..." He audibly swallowed. "I'm not so sure, anymore."
"Oh..." It was like someone had beaned me with a fastball. Just wham!, straight to my stomach. "Did I, um... was it something I did?"
"I mean, yeah, kinda?" Knox released me and let me sit up before twisting on the couch to face me. "Nick, I'm sorry, but... I don't think be `just friends' with you. There's no way. Not after tonight. Not after everything you did to me." He looked me up and down. "What you're still doing to me. It's just not something I want, not anymore. I really thought I could do 'friends', right up 'til we made it in the house, but the more time I spend with you, the closer you get to me, the more that seems like..." Knox paused, licking his lips. "It seems, I dunno, wrong?"
"Oh." His words dropped the bottom out of my stomach hard, and I let go to shuffle as far away from him as the couch would permit. When I glanced up, he was just looking at me, head tilted, expression blank. God, I couldn't even look at him without my heart pounding in my chest, and my stomach soured, so I looked away. "Oh," I said again. Limbs numb, I stood and stumbled into the kitchen, only dimly aware that someone was calling my name.
Space. I needed space. What does he mean? I tried--and utterly failed-- to quiet the thousand different thoughts that were screaming in my head. Is he saying he made a mistake? That he doesn't want... Water. I needed water. I reached up and picked out a glass from the cupboard over the sink. He doesn't want to be friends? I thought... I thought he wanted this. Mechanically, I filled the glass from the tap and leaned my back against the counter.
I really thought he wanted me.
I didn't even realize how badly I was shaking until the cup slipped from my paw, shattering on the tile floor in an explosion of shards and water.
That was the last straw. I let out a sob, crumpling to the floor. Everything kept breaking, and it was always my fault. I was so wrapped up in my emotions that I didn't hear Knox's footsteps pounding hastily into the kitchen. Barely registered it when he picked me up and stood me straight. When his hesitant paw touched my cheek, I batted him away. "Stop it!" I hissed. "You just said you don't want that! Do you not get how confusing it is? What you're doing to me?!" Sniffling, I wiped my eyes on the back of my wrist. "I don't understand." My voice was rough and so impossibly brittle that it didn't even sound like me. I never cried, not even when I was getting beat up on the regular back in high school, but this, this... betrayal--was that the right word? No, not exactly, but it worked for now--had tears streaming down my cheeks, making my fur damp and itchy where they trailed off to join the mess on the floor. Eyes burning and clouded with emotions I didn't care to suppress anymore, I stood rooted to the spot. Vaguely, I knew my knees were stinging, but I was so far beyond caring about that right now.
"And you didn't help, you know! I thought you were into it, into me, I even checked to make absolutely sure, and you said yes, and you kissed me, and--"
Knox scooped me up in that princess carry again and started walking me to the bathroom, his booted feet crunching on the kitchen tile. I struggled against him at first, even kicking my legs and pummeling his chest, but through everything I did, he held up rock solid beneath me. Eventually, he set me down on the side of the tub before digging through the medicine cabinet. I'd worn myself out, what with the crying and the little tantrum I'd thrown, and so my tired eyes stared at his back, Knox's bared muscles flexing as he pawed through the supplies. It isn't fair; I thought. Even when I'm mad at him, he's still gorgeous.
When faced me again, I was stunned to see the tracks of tears running down his face, too. "Knox? What--"
"Just stop for a minute, okay?" He knelt down with a pair of tweezers in one paw and a wad of gauze in the other. "Can you let me do this? You fell in the broken glass, and I need to get it out and clean you up." Knox moved like he was going to cup my cheek, but seemed to think better of it, bracing himself right above my knee instead.
He worked in silence, his brows furrowed in concentration, and I was surprised at how gentle his rough, callused paws were as they poked and prodded. And I ached for that touch on me, on my body, but now I knew deep down that it would never happen. A handful of minutes later, Knox was wrapping a roll of gauze (that I hadn't noticed him grabbing, like, at all) around the cuts on my legs.
The dead air between us seemed to grow with every passing minute. I didn't have words--ha! Me, the hot-shot lawyer, the former captain of the debate team, with no words--and so I just sat there staring mutely at this man who was equal parts confusing and caring.
I didn't protest when he picked me up again and carried me to my room. Knox paused for a moment as he flicked on the light and looked about; it was a far cry from the band and movie posters he'd seen last time he was in here. Then he laid me out on the bed, ever-so-gently resting my head on the fluffy pillows, before turning and walking away.
I propped myself up, staring at his retreating back. "Knox? Wait, please don't--"
He froze for a moment. "Nick, I want..." Tension coiled in his neck and shoulders, his muscles bunching up so tightly that he his head bowed. I breathed; one breath, two breaths, three... and eventually he sighed, but none of that tension left his body. "I'm going to clean up the kitchen. You stay there. Rest." Knox must've heard me sliding to get out of bed, because he rounded on me with a harsh expression that instantly softened when I flinched. "Sorry, I... Look, get some rest, pup. I'll be back. Promise."
Reluctantly, I laid down again, and he flicked off the light as he left. The resulting darkness seemed, I dunno, right, somehow? It enveloped me in an absence of stimulation that was incredibly comforting, and I let myself float, listening to the tinkling of glass shards and the wet slap of a mop. I wondered for a moment how he found the cleaning supplies, but then I chuckled to myself--of course he knew where everything was. My parents might've remodeled, but everything was still in the same places they had always been.
It was simultaneously forever, and all too soon, when Knox's heavy footsteps thudded into my room. He'd turned out the rest of the lights when he joined me, and in the moonlight streaming in through my window, I saw that he was still bare-chested, his white chest fur almost glowing. He thumped around to the other side of the bed, and sat heavily, bouncing me a couple of times with the force. And we sorta just existed in the same space for a bit, neither one of us seeming to know where to go from here.
Eventually, Knox took a deep breath, and laced his fingers behind the back of his head. "Nick?" His voice was hesitant, questioning.
"What?" Damn it, my voice was cracking. Seriously, Nick, keep it together!
"I, er, wanted to say... sorry."
I rolled my eyes. At least the sass was working. "For what? You told me how you feel. I'm the one who overreacted, making us into something we weren't. Don't apologize for that."
"No, I-I didn't."
When the rest of that thought never materialized, I let out a frustrated huff. "Knox, I'm too tired to drag this out of you. You didn't what? Come on, man, I don't have the energy to play games right now--"
"I mean, I didn't tell you how I feel!" The words tumbled out of him as I watched his shoulders tense. He let out a big breath of air that did nothing to relax his tightly wound muscles. "Like I said, I'm real stupid, and--"
I rolled onto my side and thumped him in the back, hard enough to drive the wind out of him, and shouted, "Stop talking about my friend that way!"
Knox's back straightened before he bent over to cough a few times to catch his breath. "But," he said with a thick voice, "I told you, that's not what I want--"
Something snapped in my brain. "Well, I don't care! I'm friends with you, damn it! Even if you don't want me, even if you hate me, I don't care." I huffed, glaring at his unmoving back. "And stop saying you're stupid," I said with a grimace. "You're not, never have been. You're the smartest guy I know."
A long moment of silence passed between us before he blurted out, "I am stupid, though!"
"Knox, I swear to God--"
"And it has to be true, because I still haven't told you yet!" Now Knox shot up and whirled on me, his wild stare filled with pain, and his paws flying up to fist in his hair. He was panting out ragged breaths, and on top of all that he was crying again, and... something about seeing this man with all his carefully controlled masks breaking apart, seeing him lose control in the worst possible way, made my heart ache.
"So why don't you tell me?" I sighed as I patted the other side of the bed. "It's okay--you can try again."
He sank back into a seated position on the mattress next to me, but he was facing away from me again. Grimacing, I put as much force into my voice as I could muster and said, "Nope! Nope, not like this. You don't get to hide from me this time, Knox! You turn around and face me this instant, y'hear?!"
To my amazement, the burly tiger complied. His boots thudded to the floor as he kicked them off again--when had he put those back on, anyway?--and the mattress dipped in the middle as he laid down and rolled to face me. I had to balance carefully to avoid pitching forward into him.
He was quiet for several minutes, and I saw his jaw working. I knew that meant he was searching for his words, so I let him be. I couldn't help it; the exhaustion started catching up with me, and my eyes fluttered, but I roused a bit when Knox finally spoke.
"I don't want to be friends with you," he whispered. "It's not possible. Not anymore."
Sigh. "Knox, we've been over this. I get it--"
"No, you don't!" He let out a growl, rolling onto his back and hiding his face in his paws with a groan. "God, why can't I get this right?" He whined before mumbling, "C'mon, man. I gotta get this right..."
"I'm sorry I interrupted you." With a cautious paw, I reached out and gripped his bicep. "Take your time. It's my house, after all," I said with a wry chuckle. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Nick, I--" Knox's muffled voice came through his hands, and when he dropped them, his paws twitched like he needed to have something there to hold on to, but he didn't seem to know what that something was. His jaw clenched, his entire body tensing like a wound spring, and the effort it took him to simply look in my direction nearly broke me.
"Damn it, why is this so hard?" His voice cracked on that last word, and he let out a rough laugh that lacked even the slightest trace of humor. Knox's ears flattened back onto his head, and I caught sight of his tail curling around his waist. And for the first time, I understood the unfamiliar emotion that had taken over my friend's entire body.
It was fear. Big, tough, invincible Knox Madison was absolutely terrified.
"I don't... fuck, I can't mess this up again." His breathing grew ragged, his chest rising and falling in stuttering, jerky motions. Rubbing his hands over his face again, he exhaled sharply before choking out, "I keep getting it wrong. I know I do."
I swallowed hard, my stomach twisting at the rawness of his voice. Slowly, I reached out a hand to him, and when my fingers tightened on his arm, he flinched, but didn't pull away. "Easy, buddy," I murmured, voice as gentle as possible. "Getting what wrong?"
He let out a strangled noise, something between a groan and a sigh, before slipping his trembling paw under my shirt, brushing it over my side. The heat in his touch hit me like a bolt of lightning, and I shivered slightly.
"Nick..."
"That's me," I whispered with a cautious upward tilt of my lips. Earlier, I had pulled away at his affections, but the way he was looking at me gave me pause. He looked needy, and confused, and sad. But it was mostly sad, and in that moment I would've given my right arm to see that look wiped away.
"Oh, God..." he breathed, licking his lips, his eyes searching mine like he was looking for permission to say the right words, to finally bridge this yawning chasm between us.
So, I gave it to him. "It's okay, buddy." A quick squeeze of his arm, and I nodded to him. "Try again. I'm here."
Knox groaned, raking a paw through his short, glossy hair. "Nick, I--damn it, you're gonna make me say it out loud, aren't you?" he said, voice all growly, his frustration oozing off of him. His expressive eyes stared at mine in desperation, and I shivered when he placed a broad hand on my shoulder. "Nick, I don't..." He shuffled closer, heat rolling off his body in waves. Blinking rapidly, he clenched his jaw, and through gritted teeth, he said, "I don't kiss my friends, Nick. Never have."
What? "But you kissed me," I said numbly.
"Nick, I only kiss someone when I want, well... when I want more." Knox's voice wavered at that last word, like he wasn't sure he should've said it out loud. And he ducked his head, like he was bracing for a physical impact.
My heart froze in my chest, and everything slowed, like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and about to dive into something I couldn't believe I hadn't seen before. That hesitant, uncertain sentence Knox said whirled around and around in my head, slotting things together like puzzle pieces I didn't even realize were missing. He doesn't kiss friends. He only kisses someone when he wants...
He wants...
"Oh," My breath hitched. Then again, louder. "Oh." And I twitched, a whole-body jolt like my nerves had finally caught up to my brain. "You mean you want-- what, with me?!"
Knox was chewing on his thumb claw, and had shrunk so far into himself that I almost thought I'd somehow grown bigger than him. But after I'd finally responded to him, he dropped his paw onto the mattress between us and exhaled sharply. "I--" He swallowed hard as his eyes started glistening in the moonlight. "I finally got it out," he whispered, looking at me like he didn't know if he should be relieved, or terrified. He was trembling--not enough to be visible, but the bed was shaking, and I felt it again when he draped a tense arm around me, burying his muzzle in my hair where his sharp, shuddery breaths puffed against my head. He didn't tug me in, though. It was like he was leaving room for me to pull away, to tell him no, that he'd gotten it wrong yet again.
I froze. Just for a minute, until my heart caught up with the rest of my body.
He thought I was gonna leave him now?
Not a chance, buddy.
I flung my arm around him, burrowing the other beneath his neck as I pressed myself tightly against him, burying my face in his chest fur. And the tension finally left him as he sagged with relief, like I'd somehow lifted all of his burdens from his shoulders.
I wriggled just free enough to breathe. "Okay, so..." I nervously licked my suddenly dry lips. "We really gotta work on your communication skills, buddy. That was, uh... rough. So, like, to be clear, are you asking me to be your, well... boyfriend?"
He nodded vigorously, then frowned and shook his head. "I, uh, don't know how to do this," Knox murmured, breath hot as his words ghosted through my hair. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head before continuing in that small ghost of a voice that sounded somehow contained both uncertainty and a rock-solid conviction. Truly, a man of contradictions. "I just know that I... I want you, Nick." Knox squeezed me tight, like he was afraid I was going to disappear on him. "And I know I don't want to mess this up, so... lets figure it out together, yeah?" He nuzzled against the top of my head, and when I stroked in between his shoulder blades, a low, throaty purr filled the room. We stayed like that for a while, and when he finally spoke again, his voice was still barely above a whisper.
"I'll get it right this time."
--
Knox
--
Nick tilted his head to plant the most tender kiss I'd ever experienced on my collarbone before he snuggled even deeper into my arms.
"Together," he sighed contentedly.
We laid there, alone but together, cuddling against each other, for, well, I didn't know how long. Time didn't seem to matter anymore, somehow, not with Nick's warm breaths puffing through the fur on my chest.
Okay, so this isn't exactly what I'd had in mind when I said I was going to get him into bed, but I didn't have any regrets. He was here, snuggled up in my arms, and he finally, finally, understood. He knew I wanted him, and he wanted me too. I couldn't help myself, and I squeezed him tight, crushing him against my body. He let out a squeaky bark of laughter, but hugged me oh-so-tight in return. My paws brushed up and down Nick's back as I relaxed my grip, and he made a sound that was almost something like a purr. When I scratched my claws into his silky golden fur, he shivered and twitched as I found every sensitive spot I could reach without letting him go.
After a while, Nick's body went loose, and his breathing grew measured and even. He let out a soft snore, and that was my cue to let him get some rest. I carefully extracted myself from his now noodly arms, and sat on the edge of the bed to put on my boots. My brain was telling me I should go--that this had been a lot for both of us tonight, more than I'd ever expected--but my chest ached at the thought of walking away. Nick looked so perfect, so at peace in the moonlight that for the first time, maybe my brain didn't know what the fuck it was talking about. It was impossible to resist giving him one more kiss, and I placed my paws on the bed to lean across and give him a peck on the forehead.
"M'headed out, Nick. Sweet dreams," I whispered into his fur before trying to stand up.
'Tried', because Nick's hand darted out and grabbed my wrist, the strength of his grip shocking me for the second time tonight. "Nick, what-"
His eyes cracked open, and he tugged me closer. "Don't go..." he mumbled.
"Buddy, I gotta go. You need to sleep." I twisted my arm to gently free myself so he'd finally rest, but he wasn't having any of it, and he tightened his grip.
"Knox..." Nick's eyes fluttered a moment, but he forced them open. He needed this--no, he needed me. "Please, just..." He finally loosened his hold on my wrist, but his molten gaze never left mine for a moment. "Please, stay?"
"Fuck," I breathed, and I knew it'd be impossible to leave him. Not tonight.
Maybe never.
"Okay. You want me to take the couch, or...?" I hovered, knowing what answer I hoped for, but still uncertain if I was moving too fast, or --
"Mmn-mmm." Nick shook his head. "Stay with me."
"Okay," I breathed, a wave of relief washing over me. "Okay," as a smile tugged at the corners of my lips and a fondness for this perfect, special man glowed in my chest. But there was something we needed to address...
"Nick, can you stand? Unless you wanna sleep with your clothes on..."
He groaned and heaved his sleep-heavy body out of bed. Nick didn't do anything else, though; just stood there, swaying, as his head bobbed. "Help?" he mumbled, raising his arms towards me.
"You want me to... uh, okay?" I licked my lips, trying not to linger on the thought of undressing him. There's nothing sexual about this. All this is, is getting ready for bed... You can do this!
So, I stepped around the bed and grabbed one of his wrists. Unbuttoning the cuffs, I helped him slide out of the shirt before turning around so he could take off his pants, and there was the sliding of cloth over fur before Nick's sleepy voice piped up again. "Are y'really gonna sleep in your jeans? Like, you can if you want, but you don't have to."
Heat crept up my neck and burned through my cheeks, all the way up into my ears. "Um... no, I guess?" Still not looking at him, I fumbled with the button on my pants for a moment before finally getting it undone and sliding them off. They got caught on my ankle, and I kicked a bit, hopping on one leg before landing them in the room's corner.
Nick made a strangled noise. I turned, and he was standing there, perfectly pressed slacks folded in his arms. His eyes were glued to me, and that adorable, fluffy golden tail was whipping back and forth while his mouth hung slightly ajar. "Knox..." Nick swallowed hard, dropping the pants in an unceremonious ball on the floor as he took a jerky step towards me. "You're... wow, you're actually here. In my room." He stopped mere inches from me, resting his paws on my chest. "D'you, uh, wanna...?" The question trailed off as he looked up at me with a heated expression that was slightly undercut by the enormous yawn that immediately followed.
I let out a warm chuckle, pulling him closer to press a kiss to the top of his head. "Yes. Absolutely, yes." I guided him over to his side of the bed--oh. Does that mean I have a side of his bed? Not his bed, our bed... Wow--and pulled back the covers, easing him down and tucking him in. Nick had this adorable pout, but it was obvious that he was losing the struggle to keep his eyes open. "Later, bud. You need sleep, and so do I."
He nodded sleepily, wriggling deeper beneath the sheets as I walked around and slid in next to him. Laying on my back, I didn't know what to do with my arms, so I folded them beneath my head before letting loose with a yawn of my own. "G'night, Nick."
Nick let out a dissatisfied grunt, and the bed rocked as he rolled over and clamped on to me, resting his head on my chest, and snuggling closer with a satisfied chirp. "Now it's good night," he murmured, and was asleep in seconds.
I lowered my arms around him to tuck him even closer and smiled as sleep crept up on me. Cuddling Nick Southwell, unbelievably, was where I found myself; my last thoughts before darkness were of wishing this moment would last forever.
--
The coffeepot burbled happily as I flipped another pancake onto a growing stack. It was a beautiful morning, the sun streaming in through the windows and casting everything in a golden glow. Shifting on my feet, I scratched absently at my chest as I set the spatula down and poured more batter onto the griddle. I had to admit, this was a hell of a nice way to start the day.
Nick shuffled in behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder. He was still half-asleep, hair sticking up every which way, wearing a loose t-shirt that barely came down to the waistband of his briefs.
"Morning, sleepyhead." I reached out and ruffled his hair as he reached for the cupboard with the coffee mugs. "I, uh, hope you like `em a little crispy."
Nick snorted, stretching with a groan as he shuffled over to the coffeepot. "I didn't have to cook. So not complaining."
I flipped the next round of pancakes, chuckling to myself. This was a far cry from last night's tense scene. He was relaxed, comfy, and for the moment, so was I. We'd slipped back into our old habits so easily, with the rhythm of us in the kitchen, the graceful way we moved around each other--it seemed so natural, and I reveled in the domestic bliss. He set his coffee cup on the counter and rummaged in the fridge for the orange juice, and without thinking, I handed him a glass. Our fingertips brushed together, and neither of us shied away.
It felt good. Solid. Like this really wasn't some passing fling. For either of us.
Then the front door swung open.
"Nick! We're home early! Something smells wonderful, are you cooking breakfast?"
Nick's mother's unmistakable voice sent a chill rolling down my spine. Nick stiffened, and I turned, spatula still in hand, as Richard and Connie Southwell stepped into the kitchen. Her eyes locked on me, and whatever warmth she'd had in her voice fled in an instant.
Her face darkened, and the stormy eyes that looked exactly like Nick's flashed as her hands balled into fists. "Get out," she snapped.
I flinched, and Nick put a paw on my arm. "Mom--"
"Get away from him, Nicholas." Her hackles rose, and she growled as she bared her teeth. "Now, sweetie."
I stared at her, gripping the spatula so hard the wooden handle creaked. This was so not how I'd imagined meeting his parents again. I certainly wouldn't have done it in my boxers, at least. That sharp tone, the instant dismissal... I'd almost expected it, but it still cast a bitter taste over my tongue.
I flipped the stove off, setting down the spatula with care. The griddle needed to come off the heat, so I picked up a potholder and was in the middle of moving it aside when Richard's voice barked out, "What the hell happened to you?"
Nick's father was staring at his son's knees, all wrapped in gauze. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going through his mind--he saw me, saw the bandages, put two and two together and made five.
My jaw clenched, and I balled up my fists. Forcing myself to not react was a battle I nearly lost, but this wasn't my fight. Not yet. I didn't care what they thought of me, though a part of me had always hoped to be at least get to friendly with them. But they wouldn't have listened to me, anyway. Nick was the only one who stood a chance of getting through to them.
He swallowed hard, glaring at his parents, the back-and-forth in his mind tugging at him. `Should I stay quiet? Or fight back?'
His mother's ire returned to me. "I won't say it again. Get out of my house," Connie said through gritted teeth.
Nick met my gaze, and something deep in my chest knotted up tight. It wasn't anger, not this time. It felt a whole hell of a lot more like my least favorite emotion--doubt. I may not have cared what Richard and Connie thought of me, but apparently, I cared an awful lot about what Nick thought. I leaned over to whisper in his ear. "Nick, say the word, and I'm gone. It'll be okay. We can talk this through another time."
My eyes were fixed on him, and only him. This wasn't about his parents. It wasn't even about me. It was about Nick.
No, that wasn't right either. This was about us.
A single, forceful word rang out through the kitchen.
"No."
Nick's voice was firm and unyielding, and he squared his shoulders while jutting his chin out at his parents. Silence fell, thick and suffocating, and I faced his parents again.
His mother was frozen, blinking, with her mouth hanging open, and Richard looked like he'd been transformed into one of those wax statues, expressionless and silent. I exhaled slowly before turning back to Nick, watching him closely.
His arm wrapped around my waist, and I reflexively draped mine around his back to pull him close. His heartbeat was almost audible in the quiet space he now commanded. "I'm not asking him to leave. I don't want him to. He stays."
Connie inhaled sharply, but Nick cut her off before she spoke. "No, Mom. You don't get to make this decision for me." He squeezed me tight, but his body still trembled. Is that anger, or nerves? Probably both. "I'm an adult now, and I get to make my own decisions. I said he stays; he stays."
"He's not welcome here," his mother said, venom dripping from her every word. "What he did to you is unforgivable. He can't be trusted, and I won't have him in my house!"
"Knox?" Nick looked up at me, his lips pressed into a thin line, expression a mask of determination. "Go to my room and get dressed. I need to have a chat with my parents."
"You sure? I can, like, leave. I don't want to get between you and your parents--"
"Do you actually want to leave?" Nick's eyebrow lifted as he waited for my to answer.
I considered my next words for only a moment, before settling on the single word that seemed to be the theme of this morning. "No."
"Good." Nick squeezed me tightly. "Go get dressed. I'll be there in a minute, promise."
He slid his arm off me, and I slowly paced to his room again, casting a backwards glance at my b- er, at Nick. His fiery glare burned as he faced down his enraged parents. Raised voices came from behind the door as I closed it--not quite yelling, but definitely heated.
I'd pulled on my pants and boots, and was casting around for my shirt when Nick walked in, shaking from head to toe and holding my flannel. I'd completely forgotten that I left it in the living room, and when he held it out to me, I took it, slipping it on and doing up the buttons. In the meantime, Nick pulled on a pair of gym shorts and started throwing things into his luggage. "So," he said with a tremor in his voice. "I know this is like, way sudden, but uh..." he licked his lips and ran a paw through his messy hair. "could I, like, stay with you for a while?"
My stomach fluttered, and my thoughts raced as I tried to figure out what was happening. "I mean, yeah, of course, but what's wrong with here?" Bile rose in my throat as a fury heated my chest. "Wait, they didn't fucking kick you out, did they? I swear to God I'll--"
He put a hand to the side of my cheek, and the fight drained out of me at his tender touch. "They didn't kick me out. I told them I wanted you to stay here, with me, and they wouldn't back down, so I told them I was going with you, wherever that was." His eyes searched mine, body stiff. He was giving me the chance to, I don't know, second-guess myself? To walk away? Instead, I pulled him in for a hug, and he sagged against me and wrapped his arms around my back.
"Nick, if you're sure this is what you want--"
"It is," he said firmly, all traces of hesitation burned away.
"Okay, then." I let him go and hid my face so that he didn't see my eyes getting misty. He'd chosen me. Stood in the kitchen, in the house that had been his sanctuary for years, faced down his loving, doting parents, and chosen me. Try as I might, I couldn't disguise the sniffle as I tried to compose myself, and when I finally returned to him, I prayed my face reflected the warmth and caring he'd shown me. I picked up a crumpled pair of socks and stuffed them in his duffel bag. "I've gotchu. Let's get you packed up, yeah?"
I carried his luggage while Nick hauled his laptop bag, and we made our way to the door. His parents were sitting on the couch in the living room, Richard rubbing his wife's back while Connie seethed. She stood when she saw us going, calling after Nick as he slipped into his shoes. "He's only going to hurt you, honey!" I gritted my teeth. She was probably right for the first time since she came in, but I'd be damned if I wouldn't do everything possible to avoid that. "You're making a mistake!"
Nick opened the front door, ushering me out, and called over his shoulder as he walked away from his parents' home. "He might. And yeah, this might be a mistake." I flinched and went to pull away, but he threaded his arm through mine and tugged me toward the truck. "But it's my mistake to make. He's worth it, Mom. You'll see."
--
Nick
--
Knox chucked my luggage in the back of his pickup as I climbed into the passenger seat. I was fumbling with the seatbelt when he swung himself up into the cab. My hands were shaking so hard I couldn't slot the damn thing into the buckle, and I was cursing under my breath when Knox's paws slid over mine, dwarfing them in an instant. "Nick, it... it's going to be okay. You're okay." He took the buckle from me and clicked it into place before firing up the truck and turning it around. Suddenly, we were heading away from a house that no longer felt entirely like home.
Through the back window, the house got further and further away. I kept hoping to see my mom come running outside, begging me to stay, telling me she'd work things out with Knox, that she'd do it for me... but the front door stayed frustratingly shut until the house was out of sight behind the wooded drive.
I sagged against the beat-up bench seat as we rumbled down the road and realized I honest-to-God had no clue where we were going. Oh, shit, wait a minute, I thought, and hugged myself tight. "Knox, you, uh, don't still live with your mom, do you?"
He reached over and gave my thigh a squeeze. "Don't you worry that pretty little head. I've got my own place. I think I mentioned that once or twice, in passing. But..." he scratched the back of his head, ducking away from me as much as possible without taking his eyes off the road. "It's not like your folk's place; it's not nice or nothin'. Just a few rooms and a couch. It's, well, a little rough. Weren't like I was having company."
Oh, man. I hadn't thought about it, but Knox had to be pretty stressed, too. His drawl was leaking out of his every word, and he was rapidly drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. I cleared my throat against the sudden tightness of it, and said, "If you want, I can probably get a room at the Burnside Motel. You don't have to put me up--"
Knox pulled off to the side of the road onto the dirt shoulder, slamming the gearshift into park. He unbuckled my seatbelt, and I let out a squeak as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and yanked me to the middle of the seat, right up against him. He was so, so warm, so solid, and I only resisted for a moment before burrowing into him. "Nick, you listening to me?"
His tone was deadly serious, almost more of a statement than a question. "Y-yeah?" I couldn't hide the tremor in my voice.
"Good, 'cause I'm only gonna say this one more time." He pulled away enough for my eyes to meet his, and I saw conviction pouring from those mossy orbs. Knox leaned down, his lips brushing my ear, and the tickle of his breath caused me to squirm. "You say the word, and I'm gone. If there ever comes a time that my being around causes you pain, I'll run, and I won't stop runnin', until you tell me I can stop."
He kissed my cheek, folding me against him again to rest his chin on top of my head. "But I don't think there's ever gonna come a time where I don't want you around. I don't know a lot, but I meant it when I said I wanted to figure this out with you. And I meant it when I said I don't do casual, too." Knox's voice quivered a little, and cracked when he whispered, "You're sure you want to stay with me, Nick?"
I really, really did. "Yes," was all I managed whispering out as I nodded and squeezed in closer, as tight as I could, to his side. "Yes," I said again, a little louder this time, and with a lot more conviction.
Knox let out a sharp breath, then chuckled. "Good." And before I knew it, he was starting the truck and putting it in gear. I started shuffling back to my seat, but he held me with that steely arm of his, and said, "Uh-uh. Nope. You're gonna quit running from me and stay right next to me, bud. I'm..." Knox's voice got all soft and thoughtful, and I closed the slight distance I'd made in a flash as he continued. "Well, I'm not ready to let you go just yet."
And we drove. Past the trees, past the fields, and through downtown. Then we were across the railroad tracks, and into the most suburban part of Mavis, where the farmhands and non-farming workers lived. We kept driving to nearly the end of town, down some back road that I'd never seen before, and pulled up to a small ranch-style that was in markedly better shape than the other five houses on the cul-de-sac. "Well," Knox said, giving me one last squeeze before releasing me. "This is, uh..." he let out a thready laugh, like he was afraid that this would finally scare me off. "Well, yeah. This is... me."
The entire drive, he never let me go. Not once. We'd stop at a stoplight, and he'd bend down to kiss the top of my head, or hold me tighter. And at the railroad tracks, when we'd had to stop for the train, he tilted my chin up and kissed me for real, leaving me breathless by the time we started moving again.
I wasn't about to let a man so tender and sweet scare me off that easily. How much had I been starving for affection all these years? There'd been plenty of hookups, sure, but it's not like I'd ever wanted anything long-term with any of them. It'd all seemed hollow compared to what I'd had with...
Oh, fuck.
Had I been comparing them to Knox? This entire fucking time?
And I had been, hadn't I? Greg wasn't affectionate enough, Bill was too small and meek, Jack had been too aggressive. There'd never been that pull with any of them the way I there was with Knox, and so I'd kept them all at arm's length. They were a means to an end, a convenient way to pass the time... and that definitely wasn't how I felt about the tiger whose arm fit so comfortably around my shoulders.
Shaking my head to clear it, I straightened my back, leaving that minor--okay, massive--revelation aside, and opened my door to hop out of the truck, calling out over my shoulder, "I can't wait to get inside." Knox jumped down and went around the bed to grab my suitcase and duffel bag, and my stomach growled as we reached his front door. I gave an embarrassed giggle. "Hope you got some food in there, cause I'm starving."
--
Knox
--
"Uh..." I froze, key in the lock, as a mental inventory of everything I had in the kitchen rushed through my head. Then I turned my head to Nick, and it hit me that I'd been standing there stock-still, like he'd broken me somehow. And in a way, he kinda had--my house really wasn't much, but I had this urgent need to impress him, and a can of plain old oatmeal wasn't gonna cut it. "I mean, yeah, I got food, I guess." I shook myself and finally opened the lock, pushing open the door. The hinges squealed, and I groaned in response. I'd have to grease those later; I couldn't keep putting it off now that Nick was here. Shit, when was the last time I cleaned the bathroom? Crap, crap, crap, I gotta go check on that--
Nick shoved me in the small of my back, and I stumbled into the living room. He followed closely behind, shutting the door behind him and locking it before pinching my ear and pulling me down to his level. "Ow-ow-ow! Nick, what the--"
He silenced me with a kiss, hands framing my face as his satiny lips glided over my rougher ones. "Dude, you're tense as all hell." He pointed at the couch, which had a few shirts (thankfully clean ones) draped over the back of it, and commanded me to "Sit. Relax."
So, I sat. Relaxing was harder, as he wandered into the kitchen and started rooting around in my cupboards. Eventually, he called out, "Oh, hey! You've got oatmeal. That'll be perfect, hun."
And my heart stuttered. Partially because he'd been happy with the most boring breakfast ever, but most because he'd called me...
He'd called me hun.
But was that the `we're-a-thing-and-I'm-being-sweet' hun? Or was it the southern version of `hun' that doesn't mean anything romantic at all? What to do now... how to find out...
Oh, I know. I summoned up all the courage I had left, and hollered back to him, "No problem..." Fuck, am I gonna be able to say it? Shit, I have to say it now, or he'll think I'm being weird again. Say it, c'mon, say it... "babe."
A spoon clattered against the linoleum floor, and a hushed voice responded with "N-no problem." He went silent as other sounds trickled out of my kitchen: my electric kettle beeping, a couple of plastic caps popping followed by more liquid pouring (odd), the scraping of stainless steel on ceramic as Nick stirred the quick-cook oats. I'd expected him to call me over to the table, but he walked back to the couch, bringing me a bowl of...
"Uh, Nick?" I stared down at the bowl of simple oats adorned with creamy milk, rich and sticky syrup and... "Where did you get raisins from?"
Nick shrugged. "They were in the back of your fridge. I checked the date on them, they're still good." He blinked and started bouncing his knee. "Oh, shoot, I didn't even ask if you liked raisins." He set his bowl on the coffee table and reached out to take mine back. "Sorry, I'll-"
I hastily scooped up a bite of the breakfast and stuffed it in my mouth. The raisins were a bit on the chewy side, and they stuck to my teeth as I swallowed. "Mmf--D-don't worry about it. I like raisins. I was just surprised, is all. Didn't know I had all this stuff, honestly." I took another spoonful and smiled at Nick. "Everything's all good. Promise."
A shy smile appeared on his face, and he picked up his bowl again. When he took a bite, his eyes widened. "Oh!" He started shoveling it in as fast as he could. "It really ish good!"
Nick finished with his bowl a good few minutes before I did. When I'd scraped up the last of the oatmeal, he took the dishes back to the kitchen and set them in the dishwasher. I checked my phone while he was gone, taking a moment to text the guys at the shop that I needed a personal day, and to ask Marcus to go pick up the damn oil pan caps I kept forgetting about. Mrs. Wyrdmott was going to kill me. Her car never took me this long. Maybe I'd give her a discount, or a coupon, or something...
A firm, but gentle pressure pinched my shoulders, interrupting my thought spiral while kneading them. I almost dropped my phone as I let out an unashamed moan of pleasure, sinking back against the couch as Nick found all the little, and not-so-little, spots of tension I'd been carrying around and massaged them away.
When he moved to my neck, rubbing his soft thumbs along the base before working his way up, I moaned again, and he chuckled quietly, letting his firm but tender touch melt away all my worries. When he'd finished, Nick wrapped his arms around my shoulders from behind and kissed the back of my neck. "Better, hun?"
His tone was unmistakably playful, and I purred in response. "Way better. Where'd you learn to do that?"
He twitched, mumbling something I didn't quite catch. So, I asked him to repeat himself, and he sighed. "It was... an old hookup. Some guy taking massage therapy courses while I was in school." Nick's arms stiffened, and when he continued, his voice was stiff too. "You probably don't want to hear that, though. Sorry. I didn't want to make something up, though; I didn't want to lie to you."
Wrapping my paws around his wrists, I tugged Nick closer as I tilted my head back and gave him an upside-down kiss. "I don't mind," I assured him. "I mean, don't go telling me all the dirty details, but hey, I'm happy to reap the rewards. Like, I..." I trailed off, trying to figure out how to phrase the next part. "Uh, well, it's not like I have any experience with guys--or functional relationships--so it's good that at least one of us knows what they're doing, right?"
My stomach twisted up in knots, and I full-on panicked when Nick stood up and took his arms away before walking around and settling right next to me. Leaning in, he rested his head on my chest and his hand settled on my side, where he absently stroked along the sensitive skin under my flannel. "Knox, I need to tell you something."
Uh-oh. Shit, did I say something again? "Y-yeah?"
He took a deep breath and blew it out through his nose. His hand stilled, and he gave me a squeeze. "You're right, I have experience with guys, but, uh..." Nick swallowed audibly. "Not so much with relationships. Like, at all."
I sat there, gears turning in my mind, trying to process what Nick just said.
He doesn't have experience with relationships? None at all?
Did I hear that right?
My jaw clenched tightly before I choked out the words, "S-so, you've, um, never dated?"
"Nope."
"Ever?"
"Never ever." Nick shifted, crawling into my lap and hooking his arm behind my neck while raising his other paw to glide his thumb across my cheek. His gaze was steady, but his eyes were shining when he whispered, "You're the furthest I've ever gotten with a guy, and we haven't even gone all the way." A sniffle, and a single tear rolled down his cheek as emotion choked his voice. "You're my first, well, whatever this is. I've never had this with anyone else, not even close."
Say it, my heart urged, pounding wildly in my chest.
Say it, my brain seconded as it showed me fantastical visions of what a future with Nick might look like.
Do I want him like this? Forever? It's gotta be too early for that. We've only been doing this for a couple of days...
But haven't I known him a lot longer than that? Is it really too soon to say it? Am I ready, even?
Can I call him my boyfriend?
I took a deep breath, opening my mouth, but the words died on my tongue. Speaking it would turn the fantasy into reality, cement it in place, and I wasn't ready for that yet. Neither was Nick, from the way he was dancing around it, too.
And as we sat together, Nick curled up in my lap, my arms holding him steady, I knew that there was time. We had time. Time to grow into this beautiful, terrifying, exciting... relationship. At least I was admitting to myself that this was a relationship of sorts. God, I wanted him so bad, and even though I couldn't make myself say the words, I knew what I needed to do.
Slipping one arm under Nick's knees, I put the other at his back and stood, lifting him in the air as I did, and carried him off down the hall. Second doorway on the left. My bed was thankfully spread up, though the slightly acrid, funky scent of sweaty dude hit my nose when I walked in. I pushed away the panic over my funky bedding, and laid him gently on my mattress before joining him, face-to-face with each other. His dark brown hair was still sticking up, and one lock had fallen over his forehead. I gingerly reached out and brushed it away before pulling him close to kiss his forehead. "Hey, Nick?"
"Yeah?" He looked up at me with bright, glossy eyes, and I swear he was glowing. In that moment, my heart stuttered, and I'd never wanted anything--anyone--more.
"I-I..." my voice choked off as an emotion swelled inside me that hadn't been there since senior year. I couldn't make any sound, so instead I pressed my lips to his, pushing all the heat and strange, powerful feelings into one kiss. We made a smacking sound when we parted, and Nick looked slightly stunned, with a goofy smile pasted on his muzzle.
"This is all new for me, too." Finally, I was able to talk! I hurried on before I lost my voice again. "And I don't care what we call this--us, whatever--because all I want is you, Nick. You, and me, and a door to lock out the world and let us be... us." I paused another moment, letting the next words roll around on my tongue before I let them slip out.
"I'm so lucky that you came back. That you chose me. You gave me another chance, and I swear I'm not gonna let you down again. Because..." Deep breath, Knox, you can do this... "I-I'll choose you, too. Every time."
Rolling onto my back, I pulled Nick on top of me so that his head was resting on my chest and his arm draped over me. "I wanna be close to you for a while. Like, literally close." I rubbed my rough paw up and down his back, and his t-shirt rode up enough that I could scritch my claws through the silky fur on his lower back. My voice broke again as I whispered those three magic little words.
"Cuddle with me?"
And he did. For the rest of the morning, until we had to break for lunch, he stayed right there in my arms. He fit against me like a puzzle piece, like he was made to be there, and I knew that this was what I'd been missing all this time.
I'd been living in this house for almost five years.
Having Nick snuggled up against me, laying in the quiet together, I finally figured out what that strange warmth was.
Yeah, I'd bought a house. But bringing Nick inside and holding him, having him all to myself? Letting myself lose control, letting him have me, all of me?
Hell. I'd lived in this house for six years, trying desperately to make it mine, to make the place feel like somewhere I could spend the rest of my life.
Funny how the second I let Nick inside, it finally, finally felt like home.
--
To Be Continued...
--
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