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"small_file_md5": "", "thumbnail_md5": "", "deleted": "f", "create_datetime": "2016-12-10 17:53:10.750135+00", "create_datetime_usertime": "10 Dec 2016 18:53 CET" } ], "pools": [], "description": "This story is what happened to me while i was growing up. i have stopped writing for now as i dont feel the need to write about every little thing i do nowadays for instance waking up and watching tv while playing video games. yes theirs stuff that still happens but not as bad as before.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "This story is what happened to me while i was growing up. i have stopped writing for now as i dont feel the need to write about every little thing i do nowadays for instance waking up and watching tv while playing video games. yes theirs stuff that still happens but not as bad as before.", "writing": "WARNING NOT FOR WEAK AT HEART!\nIn a couple chapters i go though all the bad things of my life as i move on too more it becomes better so don't worry this story wont be just about the bad stuff in my life it will also be about good stuff to as the story progresses.\nThis is a series of stories that have happened to me in my life. \n\nShould a child have to go though such things in life to end up where they are now or should someone step in to help? But to step in and help that child must help themselves by saying something to someone first. \nBut even then who will that person they told stick up for the child or the abuser(s)?\n\n What is life to a child?\n\nIf I knew then what I know now certain things would be different.\n\nIf I would have said something back then would I have gotten my help or would I be ignored is what I think of a lot . \n\nWill I ever find someone that I can trust and they can have trust in me? I believe I currently have someone I can look froward to meeting in the future but only time can tell what's going to happen to me.\n\nCHAPTER 1\nThis story is not to disrespect my parents or family members I keep in contact with. I care a lot about my family and this is not meant to hurt them but to help others that have similar problems and to get help early unlike how I was able to speak up in time to the authorities in order to punish she the people responsible in the terrible events.\n\nWARNING GRAPHICAL, SOME STORIES MIGHT NOT BE IN THE RIGHT ORDER AS THESE ARE MEMORIES THAT COME TO ME AS I WRITE.\nMight not be appropriate for some people. May contain sexuality, abuse, violence, other extreme situations.\nthis story is going to be from past events in my life. its mostly from my childhood and hope this story will help people tell there story too. if this story has either changed on how you think or helped you in any way share this with others you know.the reason why im writing this is to show people there not alone and there others that been to slimier things like i have been though.\n\nI know this story might seem like its nothing but negative stuff but im going to make a chapter for the good times in my life because for ever good time there was there was a bad time.\nFrom when I was only 8 years old I have always feared to go to my grandparents' house. Especially when my cousin came for the day. Witch was every single day that we visited. Out of the whole year we would spend a about a week at my grandparents' house so that was a lot for me. I always dreaded going on a four-wheeler ride with my cousin ever since the first time he took me. I still can feel and see what is being happen from all those years of being used like someone's toy. When my parents noticed I have been having bad grades and have been keeping to myself all the time in my room they never asked why I was feeling so down and messing up in school.\n\nThey just said it was because I was mentally retarted. Even when I was feeling like this they still had me go to my grandparents' house every year for 8 years that's 7-8 weeks worth of days that I was getting abused and being used as someone's sex toy by a relative. It was never anal and I thank god it wasn't it was always oral. He would wait till everyone left and take me out into the middle of the forest where no one would hear us or see us. He always went way to fast witch always scared me because I would think we would crash but we never did.\n\nAfter we got to where he wanted to be he would always tell me to touch him and it was for school but after he was sick and tired of that he would have me put my mouth around him. And he would always urinate in my mouth making me drink it. Then he would do his thing and he would always say if you want to make this stuff too (mean sperm witch I had no idea what it was back then) all I had to do is spit on mine and rub it and the spit will turn into it too make it.\n\nAfter we got back to my grandparents' house he usually left right away I guess so then he wouldn't have to be nervous in front of other people and questioning it. I never got sick or a bad stomach even after what he did to me I think if I did and had to go to the doctor then everyone would know what terrible things he did to me. After the first day I found my own hobby to do up until I was 16 but that story is for later.\n\nOne day it was different my mom told me to go with my cousin on the four wheeler ride. I declined it and my cousin said it would be fun and the next thing I know I was on the four wheeler heading to our spot again like always. And the same old story on how it's for school, the same thing happened like always.\n\nI remember when i was about 12 my family was having a birthday we were all going to go to chucky cheeses. i was so excited that day but when it was almost time to leave i was forced to stay in my room without moving or going to the bathroom or anything all just because of messing with something that wasn't mine. after they all left i couldn't stop thinking about how i don't get to do anything i want and its not far that everyone else got fun birthdays and got better stuff then me back then.\n\nthe reason why i didn't ever get to do anything fun for my birthday was because it was in the winter and no ones going to want to do anything during that time and since it was really close to chrismas i always had to share my birthday on chrismas so my parents could say that my chrismas and birthday gift were the same. its basically saying im not worth the cookouts or the parties or anything compared to everyone else. i always hated how my birthday was close to chrismas. But the only good thing was that I did have a birthday party at the local swimming pool.\n\nAfter I was abused when I was 8 I remember starting to get interested on dinosaurs, fossils. I started learning all about them and started to collect fossils. It was the only thing I had at the time that made me feel happy. I would look for hours in the rocks outside just to find a rock with a shell or something interesting in it. I never really told myself it was a way to cope with what happen to me but I think it helped a lot because that was my thing and no one could take it away from me. As I was getting older I learned about the meteor that took them out then got interested in space and dinosaurs and soon had 2 things I was into at the age of 9.\n\nI always have been interested in black holes and what they could possibly do like bring someone to a different dimension, and destroying everything in its path. one day I was looking at some rocks out said and later that day asked my dad if I could go to a dig site and look for fossils and he promised me this every year and every year he broke his promise but never once did I complain about him not keeping his promise about going as I started growing out of looking at fossils . I always did I complain about him not keeping his promises. I always wanted to be a archaeologists and study fossils. But as I grew older so did my dreams of doing those kind of things.\n\nThe last time I really was interested in fossils and space was when I was 16 after the incident with exposing myself to my nephew because that day I knew that nothing was worth doing anymore because in my mind is that. I got in trouble for exposing myself and not doing anything else and got in a lot of trouble when my cousin was able to make me give him oral sex and get away with it for 8 years. But there was even one more time but before with someone else that rode my bus when i was about 12yrs old. i was curious about what my cousin was doing to me so me and a child around the age of 8-10 years old would sit together as friends at first but this experience happened for only 4 months i believe.\n\nbut we both were interested in our privates and would hide in a coat since it was fall so we could always put the coat over our heads so no one could see. so we experimented in sexually acts. i didn't know it was really bad back then. i knew it was a private thing that people didn't go around showing but didn't know why at the time since no one told me about why stuff was private and why certain things were bad. but as for right now i wish i could take back everything back i did to that kid and my nephew. Sometimes I thought that if i could end my life sometimes thinking that the problem would go away even tho i didn't know if they remember it or not.\n\nI still have certain feelings about that kind of stuff but the thing is i believe its because of what my cousin did to me making me thing its ok to do even tho i know its wrong. i just wish that i could stop feeling certain ways about people. i think touching or doing stuff to children is really wrong and would probably kill someone if i caught them doing that to some child. but as my feelings go its more towards the anime ones as long as its not realistic or anything like that because i would kill myself before ever looking up that kind of stuff of real life photos. and every time i do look at a anime version of a person like that i still feel bad after looking at them but i know its not as bad as going out and acting on those feelings.\n\ni think thats why i want to help kids so that no one could ever hurt them again and it could help me break my habit of looking up those anime photos as i know something like that isn't tolerable in a foster home. but ultimately i would like to work for people that helps solve cases on children to help them feel safe again unlike how i felt when i was a child all along and scared and depressed thinking that anyone can and will hurt me at any time. thats how i still feel tho. i dont consider myself as someone that would hurt a child but im scared that i might becouse of my past thats why i feel like ending my life every time i have those types of thoughts but i would never kill myself unless i knew i was about to do it. only because a child's life is more valuable then mine because they could change the world but if someone hurts them then they might not have that potential again and i would feel really bad and still kill myself. but i dont know if this is a thing or not but if i had to consider myself as something i would have to say im still confused about everything.\n\ni know there will be negative comments about that part and understand why and wouldn't blame you.... and probably thinking why would he want to be with children or that girl then if hes afraid that he might hurt someone. and that is answered by if i do hurt someone i would want someone to put a bullet though my head right on the spot as i find even the show svu disturbing and wrong. and i just feel sorry and terrible about everything in my childhood. i even lie to myself all the time saying what he did to me was ok and that everyone has had it happen to them or try going into some sort of state in my mind thinking it was perfectly normal for someone to do to me.\n\nWhen I turned 18 I started to get sexual desires and that's when I realized what my cousin was doing to me and why. At this point I was just starting to realize that when ever I decided to explore myself it felt good so that became a ritual for a month. Even when I was 14 I discovered myself but never knew what was happening so it was more of a game to me and friends and was always gun exploring our self.\n\nEven tho we did this stuff we didn't have any idea what we were doing and thought it was some sort of fun game we made up. Even then I didn't realize this was what my cousin was doing as me and my friends weren't doing anything like what my cousin was doing until I was 18 and learned about sex from school. Then after I was tired of that at the age of 18 when I learned what it was I started to getting into more things that was based around that.\n\nBut even before I knew what this was when I was 17 I had a weird desire to be treated like a baby again. I usually bought/stole pull-up's or diapers from somewhere to feel like a baby again before I was molested. One day I looked this up online when I was 17 and found out there was other people out there like me and this was called ab/dl (adult baby/diaper lover) and this was a way to go back to before all the bad stuff started to happen. But I always had to hide everything as I was scared everyone would hate me because of it.\n\nBy the time I was 23 my family found out and I was sort of right they had me because of who and what I am but they don't hate me as a family member. I'm 100% sure if I wasn't in there family they would have stoned me and hit me for being who I am. This stuff brought me some happiness but not exactly the kind I wanted and needed as no one knew that I was abused at the time.\n\nAfter I was 16 I didn't care about anything at all I gave up on life and school and didn't care if I was being used for slave work for my parents I just gave up on everything until I was 24 years old when I became friends with a girl named Juliet who is 14yrs old. We each talked about out past and she has almost the same past like me but a lot worse. She had been from molested to getting stabbed to being force to hold a gun to her mama while she was asleep by her father.\n\nAnd everything that she was forced to do she didn't do it no matter how bad the beatings and the pain was. It was a really hard time for her that she turned to cutting herself to get rid of the pain and to see if she was able to still feel pain. For me it was smoking and almost giving up on live and ending it all just because everyone cared about what people say about their family instead of supporting the person that was abused. when we heard each other's secrets and fears and dark stories we helped each other and she got me to stop smoking and I got her from cutting.\n\nWhen it was my last day ever to visit them I didn't realize why until a couple weeks later when me and my nephew was by our self I exposed myself too him, and he showed me his and I got in trouble. I didn't know it was bad or anything back then since my cousin always told me it was ok to do. So after I got in trouble that made my life seem like it's not worth anything since everything I know could be wrong.\n\nAfter that day o never visited my grandparents' house ever again because I didn't want to see him ever again for doing something that was bad. And that was when I was 16. if you were to ask my mom when it happened she would say I was 20 just so that she can remind me of what I did when I talked about my cousin trying to make it seem just as bad as what he did too me.\n\nwe helped each other and she got me to stop smoking and I got her to stop cutting. And saved each other from just ending our lives. We made a promise to not do anything that would harm us so we can be together forever. And decided to make plans to make a group home for kids who were abused by family and to help them until they are old enough to live on their own. I think everyone is thinking that my plan on doing this is a big joke to them. They don't realize how much this means to me and would die to even get close to this dream. No one will ever stop me from doing this one thing. Even if Juliet has to go back to her country I will fly to where she is and we can still make our dreams happen.\n\nPeople say that she's too young to have fallen in love with but it is not love at all its nothing close to love that is bringing us together its passion, commitment, a promise, desire to be together that drives me to doing this otherwise if love is only the reason why we're doing this then it wouldn't be worth moving in with her and her mother. This is more than just love\n\nMy parents always seemed to be busy to pay attention to anything I did when I was still living with them. But not to busy to force me to do there farm work and to do all there chores. We were always promised to get some money or something in return but 90% of the time it was all lies or that they have forgotten and started making me do some other work for them. Some times I truly believe that they used me just for slave work. But most of the time I just thought of it as becoming who I will be in the future witch I never wanted to follow my parents footsteps into being a farmer. As soon as I was able to move out and could I did it.\n\nWhen I moved out it was one of the best times in the world because I didn't have to hide anything anymore I could do what ever I wanted in my own place and didn't have to watch my back to see if my parents were going to be there watching me for anything they could catch me on. They always liked to catch me on lying about anything but there favorite thing to bust me on was smoking. If they have realized what caused my smoking Mabey they would have carried about my feelings but I never shared my feelings till after I moved out. I have started smoking so I can deal with the stress that work and the past has giving me if I never was subjected to start having sex with my cousin then Mabry I wouldn't have needed to start smoking.\n\nI started when i was 16-17 somewhere around that age when everything was falling apart on me and couldn't feel like I could trust anyone. I always wonder what it would be like if I did tell on my cousin and what he did to me from the first time it happened. Would I still feel like how I do now or would I have had a happier childhood. But I am grateful for what has happened in my life and the event or I wouldn't have learned how terrible life can be. But there's also some good that happened in my life. I was able to find a girl and to be able to feel like I'm worth something again. If I didn't find her and she didn't find me then I could have already been dead by now either physically or emotionally.\n\nThere was plenty of time I wish I was dead and did think of committing suicide and was close to doing it to. The only fear I had while getting the rope/knife ready to end it all was the fear of it hurting as in pain. And the thought of it being a sin and going to hell for it. If I didn't fear any of that I would have been dead by the time I was 16 and when I was 18 and again when I was 23. Those times were really bad times for me emotionally not physically.\n\nI couldn't stand my life anymore because just the thought on how people use me and abuse me just got to my head. If I could trade being killed or being in a comma for the rest of my life then being used as a sex toy for my cousin then I would have chosen them. But as of now in my life I would have missed out on a wonderful girl who means so much to me that if I would have not meet her she could have been killed already that's how much of a impact we have on each other.\n\nI remember going to Disneyland with my family and got to ride a plane. The plane was probably the best part of the trip for me. The other times at Disneyland I found boring not because of it being Disneyland but the fact that everything we did was based on what everyone else wants to do. I never got to do anything I wanted to do there. The best part of the place was the animal tree but even then I still couldn't stop thinking that everything I do is base on what other people wanted to do and to my parents that was called being a normal family. My parents try so hard to be a normal family but there's no such thing as a normal or perfect family like you see on TV.\n\nAll families have problems from drugs to sex to murder nothing is perfect but in there eyes they wanted to seem the like that one family were nothing bad happens. The only time I got to do what. want was when it was time for my school six flags field trip and that was one of the fun times in my life since I was able to go were I wanted when I wanted.\n\nBut during the six flags trip I didn't bring enough money so I had to borrow some money from my ex girlfriend's mother just to get something to eat. After that I learned to always bring twice as much as what I think I need for just in case something might happen and so far that has always worked for me. I have never gone anywhere without enough money after that day. Another fun trip I remember taking was every year during middle school we would go to a science museum in Chicago I always like that and was able to see alot of old things like fossils and mummies and different artifacts.\n\nOnce high school started I thought they still did that but they never too field trips. Until I had to get transferred to a school for the emotionally challenged but it was actually a school for the emotionally insane. They could restrain you no matter what your doing even if your not doing your work and have your head on the desk they would tackle you.\n\nOne day at the school it we P.E with was fun in that school but anyways it was a normal day but all the teachers had to step out for something I guess some kid needed help being held down. But as soon as a teacher got back in someone turned out the lights and when the teacher turned it back on I was on the other side of the room leaning against the wall by one of the 3 switches so he came over to me and tackled me on the ground yelling at me saying that ill have to go to in school witch is like detention but during school. But I didn't go I told them to get the hell off of me,I didn't do anything, fuck you. But at the end of it I sat by the doors were the bus were to pick us up at the end of the day.\n\nThe next day the principal told me she was sorry and that other kids told them who it was so I said I don't want a sorry from you I want it from the teacher. So I went to my class and asked that teacher if he had anything to say and he said no so I told him that the principal said it wasn't me and he said ok so i repeated my question to him and he never said he was sorry so I told him to screw off then. I think its funny how his boss had to say it for him. He was always a one eyed jerk. Literally he had a glass eye...lol\n\ni know i talked about all the bad stuff so far but there is some good things i had one good freind that i would stay weeks at a time with and we would watch movies and play games all the time as we got older he moved out of the city and now we only see each other acouple times a year but when we do see each other we would always plan on doing something from playing video games to bowling.\n\nthere also have been some fun family things i have done like camping and fishing but as we got older that slowly stopped and now we dont do that anymore. the closes thing we do is a cookout with the whole family. but sometimes that can even be to stressful with all the kids and people yelling. but otherwise its pretty fun going to those as long as no one is having any issues.\n\ni would have to say all my good time were when we were all playing out side and camping. other wise everything else was either working on the farm or in the house or watching old western movies. i always found those boring and most likely fall asleep during it.\n\nif i could change one thing in my life its how i looked at things then maybe i would have understand why certain things happened but what is done is done and if non of those thing happened to me then i dont think i would have found my best friend ever.\n\never since i found out that Juliet was role playing everything about herself i still feel in love and caring for her. the story about her and her dad wasn't true so i was relived to find out that he never really hurt her. but when i found out what she really looks like and sounds. it meant the world to me so my feelings towards her is even greater now then its ever been even when i found out the photos of her were fake but i was still in love with her. after that day we are still having plans on moving together after her mama's leg heals. but now a days i get to see and hear her off my phone witch is one of the greatest things so far that we can do.\n\nstill to this day o get reminded of my past and what I could have done to protect myself but without the knowledge others had about those types of situations then there is no way to know what is harmful or how I should have felt with the situation. My dad use talks to me on how I'm a fag/queer and that I could have prevented what was happening in my live but if that was true there would be no molestation or wars or murders or people like my cousin on earth because then people could decide when to have a baby and know before hand how that person would turn out and that logic at least 60% of everyone would be wiped out. so the next time someone says it's all your fault it really isn't.\n\nit's only a month till I get to be with Juliet or so I thought and a lot has changed in my life in the last year. I got to understand there's others like me out there and there's others that had it worse then me too. but when something happens to you personally it seems like other peoples problems Are not as bad as yours but it is because everyone's feelings is different to others. but since its only a month till I move I'm already sleeping more so the days go by faster so then I wouldn't have to wait as long. but my parents want me to get a job and I can't just work for a month and quit because that won't even be worth it.\n\n\nCHAPTER 2\n\nIn this chapter of the story will be dedicated to all the good times I had in life and not the bad times.\n\nThe first good memory that comes to mind is the first time I went to Disney world. The only thing I could remember from there was seeing a batman show. I remember that it was in middle of a arena kinda like a stadium kind of like a race car stadium. But the main thing I remember was when the joker comes up from the stadium where the crowd is and swoops in and starts fighting batman. I'm could see batman flying around using his grappling hook. After that I got to see the bat and vehicle. That was the last memory of that trip.\n\nWhen ever I went to visit my grandmas me and her would always play rummy. At first she taught me how to play and took me a couple time to play it but she took it easy on me while I was beginning. After learning how to play she would try her best to win every time and she would win almost all the time and I would win 1/3 games we played until a couple years later of playing against her. I learned her bluffs and what to do when she acted a certain way when she was dealt a card then I started winning more often. But soon she would figure out my bluffs too and we would each try to play off each other. After I turned 16 we didn't play anymore she was usually too busy to play cards but those times when we did I'll never forget. Even now after she passed away I have a deck of playing cards I have saved to always remember the good times there.\n\nI remember when me and my two brothers stayed up all night around Halloween to watch amc fear fest and me and my older brother was able to stay up past midnight and didn't fall asleep I remember it was a Halloween with mike Myers marathon and I would put a white pillow wheat over my head as the mask in the movie trying to act funny but mostly trying to scare my brother but instead he found it funny. We stayed up till around 5am until the marathon was over and as soon as I knew it was already getting light out and everyone was waking up and I was going to bed. Even still to this day I watch the marathons a week before Halloween.\nIt's thanksgiving day I head to my parents house for the holiday just expecting a couple family members to be there. But as soon as I went inside I saw everyone from my family together even though they didn't want to have any thing to do with each other but I guess they forgave my parents in order to spend the holiday with them. I personally thought the party was good in the beginning but half way through it someone has to put me down making me feel depressed. But I don't let that over take me like it use to do. I was able to stay some what calm towards the end of the party and everything worked out in the end of it since it was finally going home to where o didn't have to listen to all the kids screaming. So far this was the first thanksgiving that went well for me.\nThanksgiving pasted and now it's Christmas this year theres no snow and it feels like fall. As I lay in bed in Christmas morning I just think about wonder who will be here and if everyone will like what I bought them. After we opened our presents I set up my game console for when my nephews and nieces come over so that there not bored.\nAs the day goes by the more anxious I became to go home as it was getting to crowded and noisy. This holiday doesn't mean as much as it use to when I was a kid..\n\nBut as for now only time will tell what will happen on the upcoming year\n\nCHAPTER 3\n\nsince my last chapter that i have written its been about 3 months since then so i guess i have a couple things i can share now that more time has passed.\n\nRecently i had heard that i wouldn't be moving to Florida this month and just hope it will be soon as the longer we wait for it to happen the more time ill spend without being with the person i love the most. we currently have been figuring out how to get all this done but no luck yet. so all i can do is pray and hope it comes soon.\n\nnow that its becoming closer to thanksgiving the closer it is that ill have to go back to Wisconsin to visit my grandma for thanks giving. so im hoping that when i go up there that i don't see my cousin and if i do and he trys to talk to me or start a fight or something with me then ill probably have some type of fight going on. it will most likely be the 8+ years of torture.\n\nthat will release all at once on him. the only reason im going to my grandmas is because you never know when it will be the last time to see someone you know that's that old and that has health problems. other wise i would never go back up there. and i just recently found out that he also tried but failed at doing the same thing but to a relative of mine.\n\nAs I wait in my apartment I can't stop thinking of how I'm going back to the one place that brought me so much pain. I just keep feeling how the only time I felt safe when I was in Wisconsin was when ever I was with my grandma. We use to go shopping all the time and she would buy me what ever I wanted if it was a toy and she would teach me how to play rummy and we would play that every night until the last two years that I have been up there.\n\nI'm hoping that I can find my safety net while I'm up there as I don't know how I will react if I see my cousin again even if he tried talking to me or offers me a four wheeler ride. I been thinking about this week for the last month and how to cope with it all.\n\nbut the only thing I could think of is brining a stuffed animal or something to be with since I'll mostly be alone to avoid talking and being around people as it will be a hard time for me to deal with since I'm the only one that has a fear of going back to Wisconsin that and the dentist but that could be a story for some other time tho.\n\nAs I wait at my brothers house for thanks giving the more the time goes by the more people start building up in the house. So far no site of my cousin in the house so every time the door open I start getting a mini heart attack. The only person I can talk to is most likely asleep or busy with school work.\n\nAs I ride back home on the 6hr ride home all I could do was sleep or reed my book on my phone. But as soon as I got home I remembered leaving a few thing in Wisconsin and am thinking that I can get them next time I go back.\n\nI go to stuff my clean cloth into my clean hamper as I was to lazy to refold them and headed directly to my friends house where we are now eating pizza then started to watch the movie jackass.\n\nThe next day is November 30th and I go on Facebook when I wake up seeing if there was anything interesting and there usually isn't but I noticed I had a notification and looked at it in disbelief. The notification was Juliet's birthday for yesterday. My heart sunk seeing that it was yesterday and she never told me last night that it was her birthday.\n\nAll I could do is text her and wait for a answer why and as I wait and think about why she never told me all I could think of is that I let her down in some way or did something to deserve it. And the more I thought about the worst possible thing the sadder and more depressed I got.\n\n15 minutes later I receive a call from her letting me know that it's nothing I have done. It was because she thought I knew but now we got everything straightened out we talked about sharks and sting rays and fishing but she had to leave and go with her dad. During that day I watch my usual cartoons and send her a msg every once in a while seeing how she it and what she's doing.\n\nAs the month goes by I get more depressed. Just recently I had to go to the hospital as my back was sore and hurting. What they could tell was that I had a torn muscle and now I can't lay down or breath deeply as every breath feels like a sharp sting. Now that I can't help with the paper route till I can sit up without hurting I have to stay home and can't really do anything.\n\nAs I watch tv all I can think about is how depressing this month will be for me. Since most winters is depressing to me I just can't stop thinking how much I wish I could be in Florida already, away from this cold weather.\n\nA few weeks has passed and I couldn't sleep. Earlier I was watching movies then decided to give my cat some attention for a while as I was petting him he bit the top off head then I realized that I take care of him but yet he betrays me. Which then in that instance I remember my previous girlfriend who has betrayed me by going out with someone else just because he started working at her work place.\n\nAfter 4 months of me getting over her she wants to get back with me and I declined saying I can't take the pain again and that I couldn't accept her request. After all all the time we were going out she wouldn't hold my hand or anything so how can I trust someone that wouldn't let me do the simplest of things as holding hands or even a hug?\n\nThen after that I have remembered something that I have forgotten for years. The one most important memory that is hold have remembered all my life but have forgotten a year after it happened. While I was in kindergarten I fell in love with this girl and she loved me to we would always hang out and hold hands to every class we walked to together or at least I think we did but the one thing I remember is that. She was slightly on the large side and was the same height as me.\n\nThe one thing I remembered about her the most was how she always protected me against other people. During this time frame everything in my life then was the best time in my life. I was innocent and had someone I could hold onto when ever I needed too but then I think to my self the one question that should mean the most to me. What was her name? As I think about this tears start rolling down my eyes as I have forgotten the one person that have protected me before all the bad stuff started happening to me. As I get more emotional I pound my fist into my bed and bang the back on my head against the wall as hard as I could about 4 times.\n\nAs I realize I won't ever remember her name or won't ever see her again all I can think of is does she remember me or my name if she does remember me and my name there's still a chance that she could find me then I could say thanks for being by my side back then. As I end this paragraph for the night all I can think of is mabey she'll read this part of my story and realize that it's me but I have my doubts about that kind of stuff.\n\nA few days after 2015 starts I started not being able to sleep like I use to. The more I thought about stuff that is happening around me that I'm not part of the more depressed and unrational I become with my thoughts and judgment on things making them worse then what they really are. I don't know if it's because of family missing my birthday party or that friends and family are having there own parties and I have no ideas when or where they are just seems to me that I have been forgotten about but I know it's not true.\n\nIt's most likely I did something for them not to want me to be around or something it could be because of this story revealing my past on the bad stuff that happened to me leading up to me being bi and a abdl. I believe it's one of those things that turn my family and friends away from me as soon as they know the real me. Sometimes I wish I knew what to do to show that I'm not some sort of freak or weird person. I guess it's just how my life is suppose to go.\n\nFor about a week I had my best friend at my apt while he was in town and am great-full that he's still my friend after everything we went though and what he knows about me and what I know about him. Even tho me and him can get physical with each other it's all for fun it's never out of anger.\n\nIt's Saturday night and I decide to dye my hair blue. I get it all bleached and start adding the dye and combing it though so it evens it self out. As soon as I was finished after waiting a hour and 20 mins I began to wash my hair at the end of washing up and laying down for the night my scalp and part of my ears and forehead is covered in blue dye. Now I relive I shouldn't have bleached my hair and just put streaks in my hair but hair always grows back so I'm letting my hair stay like this till summer. Then might get it all shaved off for when it's hot out then Re-grow my hair out and dye it black or have black with red streaks but I'll go to a salon for it next time. Maybe then it'll look good without having the dye all over.\n\nAs time goes by and it becomes the 3rd month of the year it seems like life has been going by to fast. As I sit and think about the future the more depressed I get about thinking what if nothing goes right in my life what if I can't live with her or what if something bad happens where one of us gets hurt or something worse. But as time goes by so does our communication. It's not like what it seemed like it use too. If anything it's mabey 5% of what it use to be when we talked.\n\nBut besides the stuff that deals with my future and thinking about her. I start to become more calmer about my past as I haven't been thinking much about it lately. I'm hoping that soon I'll forget all about it and move on.\n\nAs February ends and March begins its still cold with know all over by now it's suppose to be nice outside. As the year passes by it seems to pass by more then last year. Soon time will be going\n\nby so fast that soon life will cease to exist and a new generation will be taking over.\n\nIt is now March 30th 2015. As I sit here wondering if Juliet is doing ok. What I know is that she fell and lost her memory but her friend said the doctor told her that she will get her memory back. While I was on Facebook I was looking at her profile and noticed that she had a relationship status. Not sure what that means. Is she moving on from us and going to be with that person now or is she just really good friends. She hardly gets in Facebook and the status was put up last year and I never noticed that till today.\n\nIt is now April 11th 2015 my grandma died last week and had to go to the funeral on the 7th. There was a lot of people I didn't even know that was there but they knew me. After we left it took 8 hours to get back home. As the nights go by me and Juliet have been talking more and she's been getting her memory back. So we been talking about the future and what she think will happen and when I confronted her about the boy on her facebook account she explained it was a joke her and someone else did to him and forgot to delete him off it so she did it that day so now I know that everything is fine.\n\nAs the months go by I start feeling like my life is drifting away from me. Feels like I lost everyone that cared about me and that I'm all alone. But I know that's not true I still have my family and some friends. It is 5/14/15 at 3 am and I can't sleep. As I'm writing in my story all I can think about is when will Juliet text me or call me again? I been thinking about that everyday since me and her met but the only thing I wish could happen was living closer to her so I can visit her. Even if I could visit her right now just to be told that we can't be with each other that'll still mean a lot to me. As I have met my dreams on finally meeting her face to face and not over the phone. Two days ago I met a friend I haven't seen in over 7 years so now that we have each other's numbers were now hanging out.\n\nSo we will see how the next couple weeks go in the future writings\n\nIt is now June 7th on Sunday. As the weeks have gone by i already been though 2 jobs and on my third one now waiting for the interview to happen. For the last couple week i been feeling more depressed this year. I think the reason is because me and Juliet haven't talked like we use too and other then that theirs nothing really to write about for last month.\n\nCHAPTER 4\n\nI lay here on my bed thinking of what's to come in the future but there's always that one thought I get sometimes. What if I'm wasting my life waiting for someone when someone right now could want to be with me to be with them what would I do? The short answer is I made a promise no matter what I would wait for her. But I always wondered what would have happened if me and here were just people who talked to each other would I already have found someone else or would I be alone? It's hard to say what will happen later in life.\nIt is now September 3rd 2015. As I'm riding with my dad giving watermelons away to the nursing homes. As we drive out there we start talking about the past and how hard we use to work on the farm bailing hay and how stubborn I use to be but that's all have changed for the better in the last couple months. As now everything is starting look brighter and not as depressed as I use to feel. It's not 100% gone but I'm less depressed now then what I use to be. Able to have more fun with my family when a year ago I would have nothing to do with them or any one else but now I don't mind going out and doing stuff with them now. But I still feel like something is missing from my life can't really say what it is yet. Who knows what is next to come into life.\n\nAs it starts getting to be fall and winter is slowly on its way it just means another year has gone by and there hasn't been much change to my life. All i can think of when it comes to what will i be doing in the future? Will i ever become a archaeologist or have my own foster home or will i still be living off of ssi and still be stuck doing nothing but watching tv and playing video games all my life? I know that most of you are saying i have it easy or people would die to be where i am right now but the truth is i don't find it that great its always the same thing everyday. and it hardly ever changes.\n\nIt is now a week from Halloween and as the months go by i have been able to go out and do more stuff with the community for instance my group from sinnissippi went to galena Illinois which is a tourist area for people that visit this state. I was able to walk on my own with a friend unlike the rest of the people of the group which had 4-5 people a group and there was only 2 groups. I only got to go on my own because i was capable on being on my own without a supervisor unlike some of the people that went. We went to papa johns for lunch and had the pizza buffet and we each had about 4 plate fulls of food i had maybe 12 slices of pizza.\n\nAt this place there was a train up on a ledge of the ceiling and it had 8 stops 3 of them where prize items. one was for ice cream, a dipped cone, take home pizza. our group tried it 3 times each time it went around 4 times and we didn't win but when someone else from outside our group tried it they got a free dipped cone. some of the people in the group were jealous but not enough to be depressed about it since we were all having fun at that moment. Sinnissippi is a mental health clinic to get help with stuff your having problems with.\nIt is now December 18th 2015 and that means I am now 27 years old. Seems like life is passing me by and I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I'll be alone forever and never meet the one I love. Seems like that person is alway busy or doesn't feel the same as I do towards her but whatever the reason is its hard to figure out. I only hope that maybe one day she will be with me or if she doesn't have any feelings towards me to at least tell me so I can move on with my life. But I hope that's not the case. When it comes to getting a year older I always hope to finally be with the one I love but only time can tell.\n\n\nCHAPTER 5\n\nIt is now March 5th. As I sit in my chair I think about if I should go out and get some lunch as I wait 20mins I head out to a Mexican restaurant. As I was heading back home I heard a vehicle honk and it was my dad. We met up across the road at a gas station. He asked me if I wanted to go out and eat and I told him that I already eat. But I went with him and had a couple drink. My plan was only to have one drink but he ordered me another one. So while I drink my second one we talk about before I was adopted and going on a trip and what we have been doing. As soon as we got done I was taken back to where I lived. As I get ready for bed and write this down all I can think about is what will become of me and who I am.\n\nWinters come and went and the trees begin to bloom and the animals are now starting to come out from the cold and into the open. The only thing i can think about for the last couple months is what if i am never truly happy with life, what if even now something happens to where i have to live by myself the rest of my life. For some people they don't care if there with someone or by themselves for the rest of there life. But for me i am waiting for that one special person. that one person to show up and say that there ready to begin there life with me, to begin a new chapter in my story. someone that can be there when i am sad someone to be there when i need them the most. I believe i found that person but i have to wait for that day they come to my door and tell me that everything will be ok from now on and even when its time for us to leave this world that we do it at the same time so that neither of us can miss each other because we will be one in what ever comes next after this life.\n\nSpring is here and that means more time to be outside fishing/hiking/camping and what ever else i can think of during that time to do. on my first day of fishing i am excited to catch something not realizing that its still to early too go fishing. me and my sister and a friend went out and we couldn't catch anything, but it was still nice to get out on a sunny day and try to fish. we are hoping in about 4 weeks that they will be a lot bigger so that we can keep them and start a fish fry later in the year.As for now tho i will have to deal with eating fish from the stores and restaurants instead of making it myself.\nAnother day has passed and I look on social media to see if there's anything new but the one thing I see is my cousin messaging me acting like he has no idea what happened and that everything I said was not his brother but the funny thing was I never said who he was or anything so I'm thinking now what if he's scared his family will see this story and now it was him? I say good let them find out then mabey something will happen about it. \nAs night time comes I site alone in my room thinking what should I do? Should I tell them myself or should I let it be? But there's no one I can talk to about it and makes me feel even more upset about the fact he can't even say he's sorry about what he has done. And just by writing this and him seeing it will be too late for a simple apology from him.\n\n\nJust for future refrence to this story i will be adding more but may not be for a month or might not be for 6 months it all depends on what changes and what happens in my life\n\nEND OF STORY", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "WARNING NOT FOR WEAK AT HEART!
In a couple chapters i go though all the bad things of my life as i move on too more it becomes better so don't worry this story wont be just about the bad stuff in my life it will also be about good stuff to as the story progresses.
This is a series of stories that have happened to me in my life.

Should a child have to go though such things in life to end up where they are now or should someone step in to help? But to step in and help that child must help themselves by saying something to someone first.
But even then who will that person they told stick up for the child or the abuser(s)?

 What is life to a child?

If I knew then what I know now certain things would be different.

If I would have said something back then would I have gotten my help or would I be ignored is what I think of a lot .

Will I ever find someone that I can trust and they can have trust in me? I believe I currently have someone I can look froward to meeting in the future but only time can tell what's going to happen to me.

CHAPTER 1
This story is not to disrespect my parents or family members I keep in contact with. I care a lot about my family and this is not meant to hurt them but to help others that have similar problems and to get help early unlike how I was able to speak up in time to the authorities in order to punish she the people responsible in the terrible events.

WARNING GRAPHICAL, SOME STORIES MIGHT NOT BE IN THE RIGHT ORDER AS THESE ARE MEMORIES THAT COME TO ME AS I WRITE.
Might not be appropriate for some people. May contain sexuality, abuse, violence, other extreme situations.
this story is going to be from past events in my life. its mostly from my childhood and hope this story will help people tell there story too. if this story has either changed on how you think or helped you in any way share this with others you know.the reason why im writing this is to show people there not alone and there others that been to slimier things like i have been though.

I know this story might seem like its nothing but negative stuff but im going to make a chapter for the good times in my life because for ever good time there was there was a bad time.
From when I was only 8 years old I have always feared to go to my grandparents' house. Especially when my cousin came for the day. Witch was every single day that we visited. Out of the whole year we would spend a about a week at my grandparents' house so that was a lot for me. I always dreaded going on a four-wheeler ride with my cousin ever since the first time he took me. I still can feel and see what is being happen from all those years of being used like someone's toy. When my parents noticed I have been having bad grades and have been keeping to myself all the time in my room they never asked why I was feeling so down and messing up in school.

They just said it was because I was mentally retarted. Even when I was feeling like this they still had me go to my grandparents' house every year for 8 years that's 7-8 weeks worth of days that I was getting abused and being used as someone's sex toy by a relative. It was never anal and I thank god it wasn't it was always oral. He would wait till everyone left and take me out into the middle of the forest where no one would hear us or see us. He always went way to fast witch always scared me because I would think we would crash but we never did.

After we got to where he wanted to be he would always tell me to touch him and it was for school but after he was sick and tired of that he would have me put my mouth around him. And he would always urinate in my mouth making me drink it. Then he would do his thing and he would always say if you want to make this stuff too (mean sperm witch I had no idea what it was back then) all I had to do is spit on mine and rub it and the spit will turn into it too make it.

After we got back to my grandparents' house he usually left right away I guess so then he wouldn't have to be nervous in front of other people and questioning it. I never got sick or a bad stomach even after what he did to me I think if I did and had to go to the doctor then everyone would know what terrible things he did to me. After the first day I found my own hobby to do up until I was 16 but that story is for later.

One day it was different my mom told me to go with my cousin on the four wheeler ride. I declined it and my cousin said it would be fun and the next thing I know I was on the four wheeler heading to our spot again like always. And the same old story on how it's for school, the same thing happened like always.

I remember when i was about 12 my family was having a birthday we were all going to go to chucky cheeses. i was so excited that day but when it was almost time to leave i was forced to stay in my room without moving or going to the bathroom or anything all just because of messing with something that wasn't mine. after they all left i couldn't stop thinking about how i don't get to do anything i want and its not far that everyone else got fun birthdays and got better stuff then me back then.

the reason why i didn't ever get to do anything fun for my birthday was because it was in the winter and no ones going to want to do anything during that time and since it was really close to chrismas i always had to share my birthday on chrismas so my parents could say that my chrismas and birthday gift were the same. its basically saying im not worth the cookouts or the parties or anything compared to everyone else. i always hated how my birthday was close to chrismas. But the only good thing was that I did have a birthday party at the local swimming pool.

After I was abused when I was 8 I remember starting to get interested on dinosaurs, fossils. I started learning all about them and started to collect fossils. It was the only thing I had at the time that made me feel happy. I would look for hours in the rocks outside just to find a rock with a shell or something interesting in it. I never really told myself it was a way to cope with what happen to me but I think it helped a lot because that was my thing and no one could take it away from me. As I was getting older I learned about the meteor that took them out then got interested in space and dinosaurs and soon had 2 things I was into at the age of 9.

I always have been interested in black holes and what they could possibly do like bring someone to a different dimension, and destroying everything in its path. one day I was looking at some rocks out said and later that day asked my dad if I could go to a dig site and look for fossils and he promised me this every year and every year he broke his promise but never once did I complain about him not keeping his promise about going as I started growing out of looking at fossils . I always did I complain about him not keeping his promises. I always wanted to be a archaeologists and study fossils. But as I grew older so did my dreams of doing those kind of things.

The last time I really was interested in fossils and space was when I was 16 after the incident with exposing myself to my nephew because that day I knew that nothing was worth doing anymore because in my mind is that. I got in trouble for exposing myself and not doing anything else and got in a lot of trouble when my cousin was able to make me give him oral sex and get away with it for 8 years. But there was even one more time but before with someone else that rode my bus when i was about 12yrs old. i was curious about what my cousin was doing to me so me and a child around the age of 8-10 years old would sit together as friends at first but this experience happened for only 4 months i believe.

but we both were interested in our privates and would hide in a coat since it was fall so we could always put the coat over our heads so no one could see. so we experimented in sexually acts. i didn't know it was really bad back then. i knew it was a private thing that people didn't go around showing but didn't know why at the time since no one told me about why stuff was private and why certain things were bad. but as for right now i wish i could take back everything back i did to that kid and my nephew. Sometimes I thought that if i could end my life sometimes thinking that the problem would go away even tho i didn't know if they remember it or not.

I still have certain feelings about that kind of stuff but the thing is i believe its because of what my cousin did to me making me thing its ok to do even tho i know its wrong. i just wish that i could stop feeling certain ways about people. i think touching or doing stuff to children is really wrong and would probably kill someone if i caught them doing that to some child. but as my feelings go its more towards the anime ones as long as its not realistic or anything like that because i would kill myself before ever looking up that kind of stuff of real life photos. and every time i do look at a anime version of a person like that i still feel bad after looking at them but i know its not as bad as going out and acting on those feelings.

i think thats why i want to help kids so that no one could ever hurt them again and it could help me break my habit of looking up those anime photos as i know something like that isn't tolerable in a foster home. but ultimately i would like to work for people that helps solve cases on children to help them feel safe again unlike how i felt when i was a child all along and scared and depressed thinking that anyone can and will hurt me at any time. thats how i still feel tho. i dont consider myself as someone that would hurt a child but im scared that i might becouse of my past thats why i feel like ending my life every time i have those types of thoughts but i would never kill myself unless i knew i was about to do it. only because a child's life is more valuable then mine because they could change the world but if someone hurts them then they might not have that potential again and i would feel really bad and still kill myself. but i dont know if this is a thing or not but if i had to consider myself as something i would have to say im still confused about everything.

i know there will be negative comments about that part and understand why and wouldn't blame you.... and probably thinking why would he want to be with children or that girl then if hes afraid that he might hurt someone. and that is answered by if i do hurt someone i would want someone to put a bullet though my head right on the spot as i find even the show svu disturbing and wrong. and i just feel sorry and terrible about everything in my childhood. i even lie to myself all the time saying what he did to me was ok and that everyone has had it happen to them or try going into some sort of state in my mind thinking it was perfectly normal for someone to do to me.

When I turned 18 I started to get sexual desires and that's when I realized what my cousin was doing to me and why. At this point I was just starting to realize that when ever I decided to explore myself it felt good so that became a ritual for a month. Even when I was 14 I discovered myself but never knew what was happening so it was more of a game to me and friends and was always gun exploring our self.

Even tho we did this stuff we didn't have any idea what we were doing and thought it was some sort of fun game we made up. Even then I didn't realize this was what my cousin was doing as me and my friends weren't doing anything like what my cousin was doing until I was 18 and learned about sex from school. Then after I was tired of that at the age of 18 when I learned what it was I started to getting into more things that was based around that.

But even before I knew what this was when I was 17 I had a weird desire to be treated like a baby again. I usually bought/stole pull-up's or diapers from somewhere to feel like a baby again before I was molested. One day I looked this up online when I was 17 and found out there was other people out there like me and this was called ab/dl (adult baby/diaper lover) and this was a way to go back to before all the bad stuff started to happen. But I always had to hide everything as I was scared everyone would hate me because of it.

By the time I was 23 my family found out and I was sort of right they had me because of who and what I am but they don't hate me as a family member. I'm 100% sure if I wasn't in there family they would have stoned me and hit me for being who I am. This stuff brought me some happiness but not exactly the kind I wanted and needed as no one knew that I was abused at the time.

After I was 16 I didn't care about anything at all I gave up on life and school and didn't care if I was being used for slave work for my parents I just gave up on everything until I was 24 years old when I became friends with a girl named Juliet who is 14yrs old. We each talked about out past and she has almost the same past like me but a lot worse. She had been from molested to getting stabbed to being force to hold a gun to her mama while she was asleep by her father.

And everything that she was forced to do she didn't do it no matter how bad the beatings and the pain was. It was a really hard time for her that she turned to cutting herself to get rid of the pain and to see if she was able to still feel pain. For me it was smoking and almost giving up on live and ending it all just because everyone cared about what people say about their family instead of supporting the person that was abused. when we heard each other's secrets and fears and dark stories we helped each other and she got me to stop smoking and I got her from cutting.

When it was my last day ever to visit them I didn't realize why until a couple weeks later when me and my nephew was by our self I exposed myself too him, and he showed me his and I got in trouble. I didn't know it was bad or anything back then since my cousin always told me it was ok to do. So after I got in trouble that made my life seem like it's not worth anything since everything I know could be wrong.

After that day o never visited my grandparents' house ever again because I didn't want to see him ever again for doing something that was bad. And that was when I was 16. if you were to ask my mom when it happened she would say I was 20 just so that she can remind me of what I did when I talked about my cousin trying to make it seem just as bad as what he did too me.

we helped each other and she got me to stop smoking and I got her to stop cutting. And saved each other from just ending our lives. We made a promise to not do anything that would harm us so we can be together forever. And decided to make plans to make a group home for kids who were abused by family and to help them until they are old enough to live on their own. I think everyone is thinking that my plan on doing this is a big joke to them. They don't realize how much this means to me and would die to even get close to this dream. No one will ever stop me from doing this one thing. Even if Juliet has to go back to her country I will fly to where she is and we can still make our dreams happen.

People say that she's too young to have fallen in love with but it is not love at all its nothing close to love that is bringing us together its passion, commitment, a promise, desire to be together that drives me to doing this otherwise if love is only the reason why we're doing this then it wouldn't be worth moving in with her and her mother. This is more than just love

My parents always seemed to be busy to pay attention to anything I did when I was still living with them. But not to busy to force me to do there farm work and to do all there chores. We were always promised to get some money or something in return but 90% of the time it was all lies or that they have forgotten and started making me do some other work for them. Some times I truly believe that they used me just for slave work. But most of the time I just thought of it as becoming who I will be in the future witch I never wanted to follow my parents footsteps into being a farmer. As soon as I was able to move out and could I did it.

When I moved out it was one of the best times in the world because I didn't have to hide anything anymore I could do what ever I wanted in my own place and didn't have to watch my back to see if my parents were going to be there watching me for anything they could catch me on. They always liked to catch me on lying about anything but there favorite thing to bust me on was smoking. If they have realized what caused my smoking Mabey they would have carried about my feelings but I never shared my feelings till after I moved out. I have started smoking so I can deal with the stress that work and the past has giving me if I never was subjected to start having sex with my cousin then Mabry I wouldn't have needed to start smoking.

I started when i was 16-17 somewhere around that age when everything was falling apart on me and couldn't feel like I could trust anyone. I always wonder what it would be like if I did tell on my cousin and what he did to me from the first time it happened. Would I still feel like how I do now or would I have had a happier childhood. But I am grateful for what has happened in my life and the event or I wouldn't have learned how terrible life can be. But there's also some good that happened in my life. I was able to find a girl and to be able to feel like I'm worth something again. If I didn't find her and she didn't find me then I could have already been dead by now either physically or emotionally.

There was plenty of time I wish I was dead and did think of committing suicide and was close to doing it to. The only fear I had while getting the rope/knife ready to end it all was the fear of it hurting as in pain. And the thought of it being a sin and going to hell for it. If I didn't fear any of that I would have been dead by the time I was 16 and when I was 18 and again when I was 23. Those times were really bad times for me emotionally not physically.

I couldn't stand my life anymore because just the thought on how people use me and abuse me just got to my head. If I could trade being killed or being in a comma for the rest of my life then being used as a sex toy for my cousin then I would have chosen them. But as of now in my life I would have missed out on a wonderful girl who means so much to me that if I would have not meet her she could have been killed already that's how much of a impact we have on each other.

I remember going to Disneyland with my family and got to ride a plane. The plane was probably the best part of the trip for me. The other times at Disneyland I found boring not because of it being Disneyland but the fact that everything we did was based on what everyone else wants to do. I never got to do anything I wanted to do there. The best part of the place was the animal tree but even then I still couldn't stop thinking that everything I do is base on what other people wanted to do and to my parents that was called being a normal family. My parents try so hard to be a normal family but there's no such thing as a normal or perfect family like you see on TV.

All families have problems from drugs to sex to murder nothing is perfect but in there eyes they wanted to seem the like that one family were nothing bad happens. The only time I got to do what. want was when it was time for my school six flags field trip and that was one of the fun times in my life since I was able to go were I wanted when I wanted.

But during the six flags trip I didn't bring enough money so I had to borrow some money from my ex girlfriend's mother just to get something to eat. After that I learned to always bring twice as much as what I think I need for just in case something might happen and so far that has always worked for me. I have never gone anywhere without enough money after that day. Another fun trip I remember taking was every year during middle school we would go to a science museum in Chicago I always like that and was able to see alot of old things like fossils and mummies and different artifacts.

Once high school started I thought they still did that but they never too field trips. Until I had to get transferred to a school for the emotionally challenged but it was actually a school for the emotionally insane. They could restrain you no matter what your doing even if your not doing your work and have your head on the desk they would tackle you.

One day at the school it we P.E with was fun in that school but anyways it was a normal day but all the teachers had to step out for something I guess some kid needed help being held down. But as soon as a teacher got back in someone turned out the lights and when the teacher turned it back on I was on the other side of the room leaning against the wall by one of the 3 switches so he came over to me and tackled me on the ground yelling at me saying that ill have to go to in school witch is like detention but during school. But I didn't go I told them to get the hell off of me,I didn't do anything, fuck you. But at the end of it I sat by the doors were the bus were to pick us up at the end of the day.

The next day the principal told me she was sorry and that other kids told them who it was so I said I don't want a sorry from you I want it from the teacher. So I went to my class and asked that teacher if he had anything to say and he said no so I told him that the principal said it wasn't me and he said ok so i repeated my question to him and he never said he was sorry so I told him to screw off then. I think its funny how his boss had to say it for him. He was always a one eyed jerk. Literally he had a glass eye...lol

i know i talked about all the bad stuff so far but there is some good things i had one good freind that i would stay weeks at a time with and we would watch movies and play games all the time as we got older he moved out of the city and now we only see each other acouple times a year but when we do see each other we would always plan on doing something from playing video games to bowling.

there also have been some fun family things i have done like camping and fishing but as we got older that slowly stopped and now we dont do that anymore. the closes thing we do is a cookout with the whole family. but sometimes that can even be to stressful with all the kids and people yelling. but otherwise its pretty fun going to those as long as no one is having any issues.

i would have to say all my good time were when we were all playing out side and camping. other wise everything else was either working on the farm or in the house or watching old western movies. i always found those boring and most likely fall asleep during it.

if i could change one thing in my life its how i looked at things then maybe i would have understand why certain things happened but what is done is done and if non of those thing happened to me then i dont think i would have found my best friend ever.

ever since i found out that Juliet was role playing everything about herself i still feel in love and caring for her. the story about her and her dad wasn't true so i was relived to find out that he never really hurt her. but when i found out what she really looks like and sounds. it meant the world to me so my feelings towards her is even greater now then its ever been even when i found out the photos of her were fake but i was still in love with her. after that day we are still having plans on moving together after her mama's leg heals. but now a days i get to see and hear her off my phone witch is one of the greatest things so far that we can do.

still to this day o get reminded of my past and what I could have done to protect myself but without the knowledge others had about those types of situations then there is no way to know what is harmful or how I should have felt with the situation. My dad use talks to me on how I'm a fag/queer and that I could have prevented what was happening in my live but if that was true there would be no molestation or wars or murders or people like my cousin on earth because then people could decide when to have a baby and know before hand how that person would turn out and that logic at least 60% of everyone would be wiped out. so the next time someone says it's all your fault it really isn't.

it's only a month till I get to be with Juliet or so I thought and a lot has changed in my life in the last year. I got to understand there's others like me out there and there's others that had it worse then me too. but when something happens to you personally it seems like other peoples problems Are not as bad as yours but it is because everyone's feelings is different to others. but since its only a month till I move I'm already sleeping more so the days go by faster so then I wouldn't have to wait as long. but my parents want me to get a job and I can't just work for a month and quit because that won't even be worth it.


CHAPTER 2

In this chapter of the story will be dedicated to all the good times I had in life and not the bad times.

The first good memory that comes to mind is the first time I went to Disney world. The only thing I could remember from there was seeing a batman show. I remember that it was in middle of a arena kinda like a stadium kind of like a race car stadium. But the main thing I remember was when the joker comes up from the stadium where the crowd is and swoops in and starts fighting batman. I'm could see batman flying around using his grappling hook. After that I got to see the bat and vehicle. That was the last memory of that trip.

When ever I went to visit my grandmas me and her would always play rummy. At first she taught me how to play and took me a couple time to play it but she took it easy on me while I was beginning. After learning how to play she would try her best to win every time and she would win almost all the time and I would win 1/3 games we played until a couple years later of playing against her. I learned her bluffs and what to do when she acted a certain way when she was dealt a card then I started winning more often. But soon she would figure out my bluffs too and we would each try to play off each other. After I turned 16 we didn't play anymore she was usually too busy to play cards but those times when we did I'll never forget. Even now after she passed away I have a deck of playing cards I have saved to always remember the good times there.

I remember when me and my two brothers stayed up all night around Halloween to watch amc fear fest and me and my older brother was able to stay up past midnight and didn't fall asleep I remember it was a Halloween with mike Myers marathon and I would put a white pillow wheat over my head as the mask in the movie trying to act funny but mostly trying to scare my brother but instead he found it funny. We stayed up till around 5am until the marathon was over and as soon as I knew it was already getting light out and everyone was waking up and I was going to bed. Even still to this day I watch the marathons a week before Halloween.
It's thanksgiving day I head to my parents house for the holiday just expecting a couple family members to be there. But as soon as I went inside I saw everyone from my family together even though they didn't want to have any thing to do with each other but I guess they forgave my parents in order to spend the holiday with them. I personally thought the party was good in the beginning but half way through it someone has to put me down making me feel depressed. But I don't let that over take me like it use to do. I was able to stay some what calm towards the end of the party and everything worked out in the end of it since it was finally going home to where o didn't have to listen to all the kids screaming. So far this was the first thanksgiving that went well for me.
Thanksgiving pasted and now it's Christmas this year theres no snow and it feels like fall. As I lay in bed in Christmas morning I just think about wonder who will be here and if everyone will like what I bought them. After we opened our presents I set up my game console for when my nephews and nieces come over so that there not bored.
As the day goes by the more anxious I became to go home as it was getting to crowded and noisy. This holiday doesn't mean as much as it use to when I was a kid..

But as for now only time will tell what will happen on the upcoming year

CHAPTER 3

since my last chapter that i have written its been about 3 months since then so i guess i have a couple things i can share now that more time has passed.

Recently i had heard that i wouldn't be moving to Florida this month and just hope it will be soon as the longer we wait for it to happen the more time ill spend without being with the person i love the most. we currently have been figuring out how to get all this done but no luck yet. so all i can do is pray and hope it comes soon.

now that its becoming closer to thanksgiving the closer it is that ill have to go back to Wisconsin to visit my grandma for thanks giving. so im hoping that when i go up there that i don't see my cousin and if i do and he trys to talk to me or start a fight or something with me then ill probably have some type of fight going on. it will most likely be the 8+ years of torture.

that will release all at once on him. the only reason im going to my grandmas is because you never know when it will be the last time to see someone you know that's that old and that has health problems. other wise i would never go back up there. and i just recently found out that he also tried but failed at doing the same thing but to a relative of mine.

As I wait in my apartment I can't stop thinking of how I'm going back to the one place that brought me so much pain. I just keep feeling how the only time I felt safe when I was in Wisconsin was when ever I was with my grandma. We use to go shopping all the time and she would buy me what ever I wanted if it was a toy and she would teach me how to play rummy and we would play that every night until the last two years that I have been up there.

I'm hoping that I can find my safety net while I'm up there as I don't know how I will react if I see my cousin again even if he tried talking to me or offers me a four wheeler ride. I been thinking about this week for the last month and how to cope with it all.

but the only thing I could think of is brining a stuffed animal or something to be with since I'll mostly be alone to avoid talking and being around people as it will be a hard time for me to deal with since I'm the only one that has a fear of going back to Wisconsin that and the dentist but that could be a story for some other time tho.

As I wait at my brothers house for thanks giving the more the time goes by the more people start building up in the house. So far no site of my cousin in the house so every time the door open I start getting a mini heart attack. The only person I can talk to is most likely asleep or busy with school work.

As I ride back home on the 6hr ride home all I could do was sleep or reed my book on my phone. But as soon as I got home I remembered leaving a few thing in Wisconsin and am thinking that I can get them next time I go back.

I go to stuff my clean cloth into my clean hamper as I was to lazy to refold them and headed directly to my friends house where we are now eating pizza then started to watch the movie jackass.

The next day is November 30th and I go on Facebook when I wake up seeing if there was anything interesting and there usually isn't but I noticed I had a notification and looked at it in disbelief. The notification was Juliet's birthday for yesterday. My heart sunk seeing that it was yesterday and she never told me last night that it was her birthday.

All I could do is text her and wait for a answer why and as I wait and think about why she never told me all I could think of is that I let her down in some way or did something to deserve it. And the more I thought about the worst possible thing the sadder and more depressed I got.

15 minutes later I receive a call from her letting me know that it's nothing I have done. It was because she thought I knew but now we got everything straightened out we talked about sharks and sting rays and fishing but she had to leave and go with her dad. During that day I watch my usual cartoons and send her a msg every once in a while seeing how she it and what she's doing.

As the month goes by I get more depressed. Just recently I had to go to the hospital as my back was sore and hurting. What they could tell was that I had a torn muscle and now I can't lay down or breath deeply as every breath feels like a sharp sting. Now that I can't help with the paper route till I can sit up without hurting I have to stay home and can't really do anything.

As I watch tv all I can think about is how depressing this month will be for me. Since most winters is depressing to me I just can't stop thinking how much I wish I could be in Florida already, away from this cold weather.

A few weeks has passed and I couldn't sleep. Earlier I was watching movies then decided to give my cat some attention for a while as I was petting him he bit the top off head then I realized that I take care of him but yet he betrays me. Which then in that instance I remember my previous girlfriend who has betrayed me by going out with someone else just because he started working at her work place.

After 4 months of me getting over her she wants to get back with me and I declined saying I can't take the pain again and that I couldn't accept her request. After all all the time we were going out she wouldn't hold my hand or anything so how can I trust someone that wouldn't let me do the simplest of things as holding hands or even a hug?

Then after that I have remembered something that I have forgotten for years. The one most important memory that is hold have remembered all my life but have forgotten a year after it happened. While I was in kindergarten I fell in love with this girl and she loved me to we would always hang out and hold hands to every class we walked to together or at least I think we did but the one thing I remember is that. She was slightly on the large side and was the same height as me.

The one thing I remembered about her the most was how she always protected me against other people. During this time frame everything in my life then was the best time in my life. I was innocent and had someone I could hold onto when ever I needed too but then I think to my self the one question that should mean the most to me. What was her name? As I think about this tears start rolling down my eyes as I have forgotten the one person that have protected me before all the bad stuff started happening to me. As I get more emotional I pound my fist into my bed and bang the back on my head against the wall as hard as I could about 4 times.

As I realize I won't ever remember her name or won't ever see her again all I can think of is does she remember me or my name if she does remember me and my name there's still a chance that she could find me then I could say thanks for being by my side back then. As I end this paragraph for the night all I can think of is mabey she'll read this part of my story and realize that it's me but I have my doubts about that kind of stuff.

A few days after 2015 starts I started not being able to sleep like I use to. The more I thought about stuff that is happening around me that I'm not part of the more depressed and unrational I become with my thoughts and judgment on things making them worse then what they really are. I don't know if it's because of family missing my birthday party or that friends and family are having there own parties and I have no ideas when or where they are just seems to me that I have been forgotten about but I know it's not true.

It's most likely I did something for them not to want me to be around or something it could be because of this story revealing my past on the bad stuff that happened to me leading up to me being bi and a abdl. I believe it's one of those things that turn my family and friends away from me as soon as they know the real me. Sometimes I wish I knew what to do to show that I'm not some sort of freak or weird person. I guess it's just how my life is suppose to go.

For about a week I had my best friend at my apt while he was in town and am great-full that he's still my friend after everything we went though and what he knows about me and what I know about him. Even tho me and him can get physical with each other it's all for fun it's never out of anger.

It's Saturday night and I decide to dye my hair blue. I get it all bleached and start adding the dye and combing it though so it evens it self out. As soon as I was finished after waiting a hour and 20 mins I began to wash my hair at the end of washing up and laying down for the night my scalp and part of my ears and forehead is covered in blue dye. Now I relive I shouldn't have bleached my hair and just put streaks in my hair but hair always grows back so I'm letting my hair stay like this till summer. Then might get it all shaved off for when it's hot out then Re-grow my hair out and dye it black or have black with red streaks but I'll go to a salon for it next time. Maybe then it'll look good without having the dye all over.

As time goes by and it becomes the 3rd month of the year it seems like life has been going by to fast. As I sit and think about the future the more depressed I get about thinking what if nothing goes right in my life what if I can't live with her or what if something bad happens where one of us gets hurt or something worse. But as time goes by so does our communication. It's not like what it seemed like it use too. If anything it's mabey 5% of what it use to be when we talked.

But besides the stuff that deals with my future and thinking about her. I start to become more calmer about my past as I haven't been thinking much about it lately. I'm hoping that soon I'll forget all about it and move on.

As February ends and March begins its still cold with know all over by now it's suppose to be nice outside. As the year passes by it seems to pass by more then last year. Soon time will be going

by so fast that soon life will cease to exist and a new generation will be taking over.

It is now March 30th 2015. As I sit here wondering if Juliet is doing ok. What I know is that she fell and lost her memory but her friend said the doctor told her that she will get her memory back. While I was on Facebook I was looking at her profile and noticed that she had a relationship status. Not sure what that means. Is she moving on from us and going to be with that person now or is she just really good friends. She hardly gets in Facebook and the status was put up last year and I never noticed that till today.

It is now April 11th 2015 my grandma died last week and had to go to the funeral on the 7th. There was a lot of people I didn't even know that was there but they knew me. After we left it took 8 hours to get back home. As the nights go by me and Juliet have been talking more and she's been getting her memory back. So we been talking about the future and what she think will happen and when I confronted her about the boy on her facebook account she explained it was a joke her and someone else did to him and forgot to delete him off it so she did it that day so now I know that everything is fine.

As the months go by I start feeling like my life is drifting away from me. Feels like I lost everyone that cared about me and that I'm all alone. But I know that's not true I still have my family and some friends. It is 5/14/15 at 3 am and I can't sleep. As I'm writing in my story all I can think about is when will Juliet text me or call me again? I been thinking about that everyday since me and her met but the only thing I wish could happen was living closer to her so I can visit her. Even if I could visit her right now just to be told that we can't be with each other that'll still mean a lot to me. As I have met my dreams on finally meeting her face to face and not over the phone. Two days ago I met a friend I haven't seen in over 7 years so now that we have each other's numbers were now hanging out.

So we will see how the next couple weeks go in the future writings

It is now June 7th on Sunday. As the weeks have gone by i already been though 2 jobs and on my third one now waiting for the interview to happen. For the last couple week i been feeling more depressed this year. I think the reason is because me and Juliet haven't talked like we use too and other then that theirs nothing really to write about for last month.

CHAPTER 4

I lay here on my bed thinking of what's to come in the future but there's always that one thought I get sometimes. What if I'm wasting my life waiting for someone when someone right now could want to be with me to be with them what would I do? The short answer is I made a promise no matter what I would wait for her. But I always wondered what would have happened if me and here were just people who talked to each other would I already have found someone else or would I be alone? It's hard to say what will happen later in life.
It is now September 3rd 2015. As I'm riding with my dad giving watermelons away to the nursing homes. As we drive out there we start talking about the past and how hard we use to work on the farm bailing hay and how stubborn I use to be but that's all have changed for the better in the last couple months. As now everything is starting look brighter and not as depressed as I use to feel. It's not 100% gone but I'm less depressed now then what I use to be. Able to have more fun with my family when a year ago I would have nothing to do with them or any one else but now I don't mind going out and doing stuff with them now. But I still feel like something is missing from my life can't really say what it is yet. Who knows what is next to come into life.

As it starts getting to be fall and winter is slowly on its way it just means another year has gone by and there hasn't been much change to my life. All i can think of when it comes to what will i be doing in the future? Will i ever become a archaeologist or have my own foster home or will i still be living off of ssi and still be stuck doing nothing but watching tv and playing video games all my life? I know that most of you are saying i have it easy or people would die to be where i am right now but the truth is i don't find it that great its always the same thing everyday. and it hardly ever changes.

It is now a week from Halloween and as the months go by i have been able to go out and do more stuff with the community for instance my group from sinnissippi went to galena Illinois which is a tourist area for people that visit this state. I was able to walk on my own with a friend unlike the rest of the people of the group which had 4-5 people a group and there was only 2 groups. I only got to go on my own because i was capable on being on my own without a supervisor unlike some of the people that went. We went to papa johns for lunch and had the pizza buffet and we each had about 4 plate fulls of food i had maybe 12 slices of pizza.

At this place there was a train up on a ledge of the ceiling and it had 8 stops 3 of them where prize items. one was for ice cream, a dipped cone, take home pizza. our group tried it 3 times each time it went around 4 times and we didn't win but when someone else from outside our group tried it they got a free dipped cone. some of the people in the group were jealous but not enough to be depressed about it since we were all having fun at that moment. Sinnissippi is a mental health clinic to get help with stuff your having problems with.
It is now December 18th 2015 and that means I am now 27 years old. Seems like life is passing me by and I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I'll be alone forever and never meet the one I love. Seems like that person is alway busy or doesn't feel the same as I do towards her but whatever the reason is its hard to figure out. I only hope that maybe  one day she will be with me or if she doesn't have any feelings towards me to at least tell me so I can move on with my life. But I hope that's not the case. When it comes to getting a year older I always hope to finally be with the one I love but only time can tell.


CHAPTER 5

It is now March 5th. As I sit in my chair I think about if I should go out and get some lunch as I wait 20mins I head out to a Mexican restaurant. As I was heading back home I heard a vehicle honk and it was my dad. We met up across the road at a gas station. He asked me if I wanted to go out and eat and I told him that I already eat. But I went with him and had a couple drink. My plan was only to have one drink but he ordered me another one. So while I drink my second one we talk about before I was adopted and going on a trip and what we have been doing. As soon as we got done I was taken back to where I lived. As I get ready for bed and write this down all I can think about is what will become of me and who I am.

Winters come and went and the trees begin to bloom and the animals are now starting to come out from the cold and into the open. The only thing i can think about for the last couple months is what if i am never truly happy with life, what if even now something happens to where i have to live by myself the rest of my life. For some people they don't care if there with someone or by themselves for the rest of there life. But for me i am waiting for that one special person. that one person to show up and say that there ready to begin there life with me, to begin a new chapter in my story. someone that can be there when i am sad someone to be there when i need them the most. I believe i found that person but i have to wait for that day they come to my door and tell me that everything will be ok from now on and even when its time for us to leave this world that we do it at the same time so that neither of us can miss each other because we will be one in what ever comes next after this life.

Spring is here and that means more time to be outside fishing/hiking/camping and what ever else i can think of during that time to do. on my first day of fishing i am excited to catch something not realizing that its still to early too go fishing. me and my sister and a friend went out and we couldn't catch anything, but it was still nice to get out on a sunny day and try to fish. we are hoping in about 4 weeks that they will be a lot bigger so that we can keep them and start a fish fry later in the year.As for now tho i will have to deal with eating fish from the stores and restaurants instead of making it myself.
Another day has passed and I look on social media to see if there's anything new but the one thing I see is my cousin messaging me acting like he has no idea what happened and that everything I said was not his brother but the funny thing was I never said who he was or anything so I'm thinking now what if he's scared his family will see this story and now it was him? I say good let them find out then mabey something will happen about it.
As night time comes I site alone in my room thinking what should I do? Should I tell them myself or should I let it be? But there's no one I can talk to about it and makes me feel even more upset about the fact he can't even say he's sorry about what he has done. And just by writing this and him seeing it will be too late for a simple apology from him.


Just for future refrence to this story i will be adding more but may not be for a month or might not be for 6 months it all depends on what changes and what happens in my life

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