

Witness Ye All The Strange And Singular Tale Of
	BARTLEBY'S DESCENT

	by Alex Reynard
(bi, yiff, cubs, incest, vore, snuffie, spanking, lord knows what else...)

		***

Author's Note:
Okay, this story is probly gonna piss some people off, but I'm okay with that.

First off, I just want to clarify that what happens here is not necessarily what I really believe is the reality of the hereafter. It's just a "What if"; like those Elseworlds comic books where all sorts of crazy shit happens to Batman. I fully appreciate that some of you might be a little uncomfortable with the religion-y aspects of this, but please, keep in mind this is only a fantasy story. Don't go burning me at the stake.

I've had the rawest, most basic idea for a story like this for a long time now. It came to me while I was looking through a bunch of Chick pamphlets. You know; those tiny little berChristian horizontal comic books that are easily as amusing as they are scary? In those things, God's always portrayed as a fifty-foot tall dude with no face who sits on this humongous stone throne all day tossin' people into the lake of fire. Now, I think most reasonable people would choose to believe God's a bit less terrifying. However, the blood-curdling thought occurred to me: what if Jack T. Chick is right? Out of all the religious prophets the world over, all of them espousing 'The Truth', what if this lone, mean-spirited bastard's view of the afterlife is the one that's really real? What would that mean for the rest of creation? The foundation of this story was laid that night as I laid awake, staring at the ceiling, and sweating a lot.

Mostly, the reason for this thing actually getting written is simply that, after I wrote "Sweetiepie's Ending", I realized that I really, really liked Razielphustar as a character and I wanted to do something more with him. Something fun and strange. Something that would allow me to throw out all sorts of insane ideas with wild abandon.

Then, I sort of got an idea for a main character. But it wasn't until a good friend of mine did a loose sketch of him - which was so perfect, it looked even more like him than I'd ever imagined him myself - that the final spark was ignited, and I sat down to type.

FAIR WARNING IS HERE GIVEN: This story contains pretty much every single fetish I could possibly think of, all mixed up together in a sort of deliriously perverted salad. There will probably be at least one section here you won't like. But I've done my best to avoid long, graphic descriptions of anything in particular, so hopefully if you see anything that squicks you, you can skim through it relatively easily. With any luck, you might even come across a fetish you'd never even considered liking before, but find yourself strangely drawn to. If anyone's horizons are expanded from reading this, I will feel immeasurably proud.

Also, while I was writing, I cast some various real people as different characters and imagined their voices to help me 'hear' their characters' dialogue better. Some of the choices were Johnny Depp as Razielphustar, Mel Brooks as The Devil, Tina Fey as Mrs. Schaddenfreude, Alfred Molina as Mr. Spitalka, Gates McFadden and Steve Kramer as Xander's mom and dad, Matt Frewer as the Summoner robot, Bruce Villanch as Roy, Reba MacIntyre as Mrs. Mackenzie, Ellen DeGeneres as Llywyalla, Brendan Fraser as Criss Nero, Jada Pinkett-Smith as Becky, Bernadette Peters as Tasasha and Terry Jones as The Monster.

So, keeping in mind that this is nothing more than a madness-fueled flight of fancy, I ask you all to cast your eyes downward to the pit, where the latest addition to the damned is about to make his not-so-graceful first appearance...

(Also... "Nonev"; noun. Slang for 'non-evolved'. How furries refer to wild animals or their own four-legged ancestors.)


	*   *   *   *   *


-CHAPTER ONE-

"Ouch!"

Bartleby fell from seemingly out of nowhere and landed hard on his tush on the floor of the red, red room.

He grumbled a bit to himself and rubbed his sore posterior. He groaned. The little grey bat felt like he did when he'd gotten a bad night's sleep and ended it by accidentally falling off his perch in the morning.

He was a slim young bat. His huge ears and flop of bushy hair made him look taller than he really was, but not by too much. His fur was the color of duct tape, though considerably fluffier. His eyes were dark brown, his wings wide and adequate to the task of keeping him airborne when he wanted. On his face was a common feature among bats; a noseleaf. A facial structure looking like a cross between a piggy snout and a tall tropical leaf.

He opened his eyes finally and was utterly perplexed at where he now found himself.

It was the color red made solid, then hewn into a cube. The brightest, shiniest, most quintessential shade of red he'd ever seen. The room itself was completely featureless: just four walls, a floor and a ceiling. There wasn't anything else in the little room but him. Not even a light source, which was pretty weird since the red room was so brightly lit.

Bartleby looked up and saw only unbroken ceiling. No holes, no trap doors. How had he fallen into the room then? Had the whole roof of the place lifted off? Was it a hologram, maybe?

He spread his wings and felt around on the floor. Perfectly smooth. Like glass, but with the texture of hard plastic. He knocked and it felt solid as diamond.

And to top it all off, he was butt naked. He was wearing nothing more than his fuzzy grey fur. "What the hell...?" he said softly, his confusion changing rapidly to worry. Soon it would be outright fear.

The last thing he remembered was...

He shook his head vigorously.

Well, in any case, he should have been waking up in the hospital instead of a place like this.

A really horrible thought occurred to him just then. Maybe he hadn't been taken to a hospital at all. Because there was no reason to. Because he'd been...

No, that was ridiculous.

The young bat took a deep breath and tried to figure everything out. He reached up to brush his hair out of his eyes... and felt two strange, pointy objects growing out of his skull.

"Oh shit."

Those were _not_ horns! Oh crap, those could NOT be horns!!

"Oh _shit_!"

Bartleby looked like he'd just been dipped in liquid nitrogen. It was true. He was dead. And he'd been sent *here*. The hot place. H-E-double-hockey-sticks. Where bad people went. That meant he was a bad boy.

Bartleby drew himself up into a ball. He stared straight ahead and his fur trembled.

No. He hadn't meant to. This wasn't fair. He knew he wasn't really a bad boy. He hadn't meant to. But it was his own fault. What he'd done was horrible. He did deserve to go to hell. He knew he really was...

Hot tears filled his eyes, and the small, frail young bat began to weep harder than he had since infancy.

		***

Being promoted to Arch-Hellguardian really didn't mean much in terms of extra duties or rewards, but it was a nice little feather in his cap nonetheless. It meant he'd been doing a good enough job that his higher-ups ('or was that lower-downs?' he thought with a cocky grin) had noticed and decided to give him a little pat on the back.

Razielphustar Mephrolovontastico smiled dashingly at himself in his ornate sixteenth-century full-length mirror. He had on his usual work clothes:

Brand new, top of the line, jet-black wolf-leather vest.

Tight 'n shiny silk trousers; also black.

Big ol' snazzy vaudeville-magician-style top hat; also black.

Nametag.

And a loose-fitting red T-shirt that almost perfectly matched his candy-apple fur.

The squirreldemon was stylin', and he knew it. He gave his tiny, vestigial wings a happy flap.

"Another day, another thousand souls..." he quipped smartly as he strutted out the door.

		***

Curled up on his side like a tiny grey donut, Bartleby shivered with sobs.

He hated himself. Utterly and completely. He hoped whoever had sent him here would just come in and start torturing him and get it over with.

What would they do to him? Back when he'd still been going to sunday school, he'd seen horrifying illustrations in books of what happened to people who were sent to Hell. They were thrown into a lake of fire where they would burn forever in searing agony. Or they would be scourged with whips. Or disemboweled and left in the sun. Or eaten alive by monstrous creatures.

Or maybe this was his punishment right here? Eternity in this tiny room, all alone. He wondered how long it'd take him to go totally nutzoid if that was the case.

For now though, the uncertainty was by far the worst torture of all. Simply because it made it so easy for his imagination to dredge up the most awful things it could conjure...

		***

Reaching within the infinite, swirling void he concealed inside his vest, Razielphustar brought out his enormous cosmic clipboard. It was crammed so full it was shedding papers like dog hair. Razielphustar was only concerned with the current top sheet though. That was where all his new assignments showed up; sent forth from the dispatch office.

He stroked his chinfur and tasted his latest subject's name.

"Hmmm... Bartleby Fletch..."

He gazed down the list at all the young boy's supposed 'sins'. It was the usual lot of completely harmless mischief that all kids got into. Shoplifted a candy bar when he was four. Occasional scuffle with a sibling. Slightly lower-than-average swearometer count for his age. Nothing all that bad, really...

Oh, wait. There it was. The *big* sin. The one HE could never forgive.

"You rotten bastard," the Hellguardian muttered under his breath. He had no idea if God could hear him way down here, but he hoped so.

He sighed. Time to get started.

		***

Bartleby didn't even hear the door open, but his extraordinary chiropteran ears caught a single soft footfall.

He was sitting up in an instant. His eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open in a silent scream at the... Thing that was now in the room with him.

It looked sort of like a squirrel. But it had fur the color of freshly pumped blood, with hands and feet as black as coal. There were two small, batlike wings growing out of its back. It was dressed in a truly bizarre costume, like a clown from... Well, obviously.

But Bartleby's fear turned to confusion when he saw how the monster was looking at him. It's expression was perfectly calm. It's eyes were kind and compassionate.

The monster took a small step forward.

Bartleby let out a choked squeak and pushed himself back up against the wall.

"Now, now. Hush, little one. Calm down. I'm not going to hurt you."

The boy gazed up in bewilderment. That voice... It was the most gentle, comforting voice Bartleby had ever heard. A very light accent, nothing he could place. Extremely sincere.

"Are you Bartleby?" the monster asked.

The little bat gulped. He nodded.

The squirrel/demon/thing took another tiny step closer, then knelt down on the floor. "I'm sorry if I scare you. I don't mean to."

Now that he was closer, Bartleby could see the creature's eyes. They flickered like fire. Dancing, shifting oranges and yellows. He also had a regular rodent's buckteeth, not fangs. And he even had a tiny little stripe of a goatee.

"I've come to welcome you, little one," he said.

"W-welcome me? To Hell? That's where I am, right?" Bartleby asked haltingly.

The creature nodded. "Indeed. As you may have noticed, you're sporting a fine pair of horns at the moment. If you don't like them, I can get rid of them for you."

Bartleby reached up to touch the blunt little points. They felt like hardened wax. "Uh... Will it hurt?"

"Not at all!" the demon immediately assured. "Come here for a moment. I'll show you."

Whoever this was, he did sound nice, Bartleby thought. And now that the initial shock was over, he didn't look quite as scary either. Actually, he looked sort of like some strange comic-book villain; the kind that's more funny than fearsome.

Bartleby crawled forward and knelt in front of the demon. He flinched when the creature raised its clawed paws up to his head.

"There now, this will just take a second..."

With two tiny pops, Bartleby's horns came off just like suction cups. The demon held them out to him. "See? All better!"

Bartleby could not believe the two little red lumps in the demon's black paw had really been growing out of his head a moment ago.

The demon smiled pleasantly. Then he abruptly tossed the two little horns in his mouth and chewed them up. "Mmmm! Freshly harvested horns taste just like candy!"

Bartleby gawked in disbelief. "Who are you?"

The demon grinned. He leaned closer and indicated the nametag he was wearing. It looked just like what those guys at the supermarket wore. 'Hi!' My Name Is: RAZIELPHUSTAR'

"Ray-zee-el-foo-star?" Bartleby guessed.

"Close, very close!" the Hellguardian praised. 'And, how just about everyone says it the first time,' he thought wryly to himself. He corrected the boy. "Rayz-ay-ELL-phuss-tar," he enunciated, sounding half like a growl, half like a tape being played backwards.

"Raiz-ay-ELL-phuss-tar," Bartleby attempted.

The demon was actually rather impressed. "Not bad! Not bad at all! That's definitely worth a cookie." With a magician's flourish, he made a chocolate-chip cookie appear betwixt his thumb and index finger.

Bartleby looked almost as startled as when Razielphustar had first walked in. "For me...?" he asked shakily.

"Sure is," said the squirreldemon.

The trembling little grey bat took it in his thumbclaws. He took a very small nibble. It was quite tasty. He finished it off quickly. Then suddenly, a wave of immense sadness welled up within him. Tears came to his eyes again and he burst out in sobs.

Razielphustar immediately put his arms around the boy, patting him gently on the back. "Goodness, my cooking isn't that bad, is it?"

Bartleby looked up at him and managed a tiny, soft smile before burying his face in the squirreldemon's shoulder again. Tracks of the boy's tears ran down the shiny wolf-leather.

"I know you're frightened right now," Razielphustar whispered in Bartleby's ear. "But it's all okay. Everything's okay. You're safe. I'm not going to hurt you, and no one else will either. It's okay. Cry as much as you need to, little one." He placed a tiny kiss on top of the boy's head.

Bartleby shuddered all over. He had envisioned many, many things that might happen to him in this place, but kindness was not among them. He had no idea how to respond to this.

"Hush, sweet one. You're a good boy."

Muffled and hurt, Bartleby said, "No I'm not."

Razielphustar looked concerned. "Whyever would you say that?"

"I got sent here, didn't I?"

The demon clucked his tongue. "Tut. That means nothing. There is much you do not know about this realm, and mountains of lies you must rid yourself of. Make no mistake, we are indeed in Hell. But everything you have ever heard about this place is untrue."

"But aren't I supposed to get punished?" the little bat asked.

"Do you think you should be?" the demon returned.

"Yes," Bartleby said firmly. "I was bad. Aren't you supposed to have a list of all the bad things I've done?"

"There aren't a lot of 'supposed to's down here, but that does happen to be one of them. If you'll allow me..." Razielphustar gently broke their hug, but kept one arm still around the sniffling little bat's shoulders. He dug deep in his vest pocket and extracted the clipboard again.

It was the biggest one Bartleby had ever seen. "Wow. Is all of that mine?" he asked, sounding mortified.

Razielphustar chuckled. "Heavens no! Just the top few sheets. You're just a wee lad. You'd have to be *outrageously* bad to have filled this many pages." His tone assured that that was nowhere near the case.

"So how bad was I?"

"Not very, comparatively," Razielphustar said as he riffled through the papers. "The usual little boy naughtiness. A few fights, a few minor thefts. Nothing spectacular. You did manage to say 'fuck' 892,936 times though. Just a hundred and seven thousand more times and you'll hit a million!"

"There's no way I said 'fuck' that much!" Bartleby protested.

"You just said it now. That makes 892,937."

"Aw, crud."

Razielphustar chuckled good-naturedly. "Oh, relax. That's not something we care about down here. That's just His rules, and all of us netherfolk hold them in the deepest contempt."

"_His_ rules? Whose?"

Razielphustar pointed up. "God's. That uptight, puritanical pinhead. He makes the rules, keeps the records, then sends you down here for us to deal with."

Such blasphemous talk made Bartleby uncomfortable. "Um... You shouldn't say stuff like that about God..."

For the first time, Razielphustar looked angry. Not just angry; flat-out pissed. But not at Bartleby though. He flicked the clipboard out of existence and put both paws on the boy's shoulders. "Bartleby, there is much you need to learn and just as much you need to unlearn. Some of it will be hard to believe and some of it will be nearly *impossible* to believe. But the most important thing you must accept right now is that God does not, and never has, loved you. He cares about as much for you, or for any of His creations, as you care about what you create in the bathroom."

The young bat had never heard anything so shocking. "What?!?"

The squirreldemon's expression softened. He gave Bartleby another small hug. "I'll explain it in greater detail later, but I swear to you it is the truth. Once upon a time, long, long before even I was born, God was kind and fair and ruled His universe wisely. However, have you ever heard the saying, 'power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely'?"

Bartleby nodded. He'd heard his teacher say that once.

Razielphustar gazed deeply into the little bat's eyes. "Then imagine *infinite* power. And imagine it corrupting *infinitely*."

Bartleby felt like ice water had been poured over his heart.

His eyes shut tight in sadness and melancholy rage, Razielphustar pressed the boy close to him. He softly ran his fingers through the little bat's fluffy, uncombable hair. "But you don't have to worry, little one. He has no power here. It was His greatest mistake. He cannot wield even an ounce of his nearly-endless power within this realm. You are safe, Bartleby. I promise you: you are safe."

Poor Bartleby had never been so confused in all his life. He had no idea what to say. But he did know that he didn't mind being hugged by this strange and not-very-scary-at-all demon. It was actually one of the most gentle hugs he could remember. And it did make him feel safe.

"We have much to discuss, sweet young bat, and this floor is hard and uncomfortable. I am an Arch-Hellguardian, and my duty is to welcome you and show you to your room. Shall I take you to where you'll be staying from now on?"

Bartleby shyly nodded. "Okay, I guess."

To Bartleby's surprise, Razielphustar picked him up as if he weighed no more than a feather, never breaking his gentle hug. He nuzzled the boy tenderly on the cheek. "Off we go then. I think you'll like it."

The far wall of the red room began to warp before their eyes, forming a doorway that opened outwards like an immense living orifice. Beyond it was a swirling black whirlpool, glistening with sprinkled starlight and eternally silent.

"I'm scared..." Bartleby whispered.

Razielphustar chuckled. "Of that? Tsk. It's nothing. It's just like an elevator."

With that, he shifted the little bat to rest within the crook of his left arm and strode confidently through the doorway. The warm blackness enveloped them. And to Bartleby's surprise, it was no scarier than the darkness he saw when he closed his eyes.

There was a short 'vwoomp', and then they had reached their destination.

"See? That wasn't so bad, now was it?"


	*   *   *   *   *


-CHAPTER TWO-

When Bartleby dared to look again, he received yet another shock. But this time it was entirely a pleasant one.

Razielphustar let the speechless boy down from his arms to stand for the first time in his new bedroom. But this room was perfectly familiar to Bartleby nonetheless.

As all children do sometimes, Bartleby had once sat down and tried to imagine his most perfect fantasy bedroom. It would have to be small and cozy, since Bartleby did not like big, open rooms much. There would have to be a comfy bed, plus a perch, so he could choose whichever one he felt like using at night. There would have to be lots of shelves for his toys and even more shelves for his books and comics. There would be a small magic refrigerator that would contain every kind of food in the world, all available at the touch of a button. There would be a special computer on his desk that would be the fastest in the world and have infinite hard drive space. There would be a smooth wood floor for racing his toy cars across (and no tiny spaces for them to get stuck under either). And it all had to be in a cave. A warm, dim, dry, stony cave, with red rock walls.

This room was his fantasy made real.

Exactly as he had pictured it, and even better. As Bartleby looked around the warmly-lit little ovoid room, his mouth hung open in giddy amazement. Everything he'd ever owned was stacked neatly on shelves or organized in boxes. Even the toys his parents had taken away from him and all the old stuff he'd thrown away long ago. He saw the magic refrigerator and computer; right where they were supposed to be. His new perch had a wide padded area just below it in case he fell off. And sitting on his bed, waiting patiently for him, were all his favorite stuffed animals.

His tears forgotten for the moment, Bartleby laughed in delight and ran over to jump onto his new bed.

It was wonderfully soft! He nosedived into the small pile of stuffed animals and hugged them all. And they weren't just copies either. They were really his! Stains and ripped stitches and everything!

And right by his bed was a reading lamp, and a little endtable to store all kinds of stuff in. And next to that was a desk with lots of paper and pencils to draw whatever he liked... And... And...

He turned around to Razielphustar, his eyes bright and his smile beaming. "How did all this stuff get here!?"

The squirreldemon smiled warmly, always loving this part of the job. "You created it yourself."

Bartleby settled into a comfortable sitting position, his little stuffed fox Terry in his lap. "How?"

Razielphustar smiled smartly and explained all. "This was an empty room before you passed through the vortex. It read your thoughts and constructed for you what you desired. This room is made entirely of your memories, Bartleby. You can change it in any way you want, any time you want, into any form you want."

"Really? Cool!" the little bat gushed.

The cheerful demon came closer, then gave a look to Bartleby to ask if it was alright if he sat next to him on the bed.

The little bat decided then that it was silly to be afraid of Razielphustar anymore. Especially since he'd been nothing but kind to him ever since they'd met. Bartleby nodded, and the squirreldemon skootched in beside him.

Razielphustar put his arm around the boy's shoulders. He nuzzled Bartleby playfully between his huge fuzzy bat ears, making the boy giggle. "Bartleby, there's something I wanted to ask you," he said in a soft, careful tone.

Bartleby gave his plushie a squeeze. "What?"

The squirreldemon ran his fingers through the little bat's fur. "Why is it, do you think, that you were sent here?"

Bartleby went perfectly still for a moment.

Then he looked down at his pink, furless feet, averting his gaze from his new friend. He let out a slow, remorseful sigh. "Because I killed my dad," he softly confessed.

Razielphustar looked both puzzled and alarmed. He certainly hadn't seen _that_ on the boy's chart. "Excuse me?"

Bartleby put his head in his lap and wrapped his wings around himself, turning himself into a giant dustbunny. "I stabbed him in the stomach with his pocketknife. Then I ran away."

Completely baffled now, Razielphustar willed his all-knowing clipboard back into being. It hovered in the air before his eyes and he scanned it thoroughly, searching for anything that could possibly match up with what Bartleby was telling him...

Oh. Oh dear. There it was.

He read the lines and his eyes went wide.

"You poor, dear boy..." Razielphustar husked in a shocked and saddened voice. "You've got it all wrong."

Bartleby looked up. "Huh?"

"Tell me, please, exactly what you think happened," the squirreldemon gently urged.

The young bat frowned. "It's pretty simple. Mom wasn't home yet. Chuck was out somewhere. Tricia and Mandy were upstairs. And I'd just gotten home from school and I was watching cartoons.

"Dad pulled in. When he came in he looked all pissed-off, as usual. He emptied out his pockets on the kitchen counter like he always does. Then he went for the refrigerator.

"The next thing I knew, he was all in my face screaming at me 'cause he wanted to make a sandwich and he thought I ate all the lunchmeat. But I didn't! I don't even know who did!"

Bartleby held himself tighter and sniffed back a tear. "But he always yells at me and blames me for stuff I didn't do. So I guess I'm used to it by now.

"He shut off the TV and he shoved me really hard, still yelling. I kinda darted around him, into the kitchen, trying to get away. He ran after me and I really thought he was going to punch me or slap me or something! I was scared, okay?"

Razielphustar nodded. "I see. Go on, little one."

Shame was making the young boy's cheeks red. "He backed me up against the counter. The next thing I knew, his pocketknife was in my hand. He was yelling really, really loud, right in my face. He was even spitting on me. Then he made a fist, and I really, truly, honestly thought he was gonna hit me. Probly as hard as he could.

"The next thing I knew, the knife was in him. And there was blood on his shirt.

"He fell over on the floor.

"I didn't know what else to do, so I ran out the back door.

"I just kept running. I didn't know what to do. I'd just killed my dad. The police were gonna catch me and put me in prison forever. So I just kept running. I didn't even try to fly, 'cause I figured someone would see me. I ran downtown and I hid behind the buildings.

"I just sat there behind this red brick place for a really long time. It even got dark out. I was next to this great big dumpster. It smelled real bad. I just kept thinking about what I'd done. I killed my dad. My mom and my brother and my sisters and my grandma and grandpa were all gonna hate me now. The cops were gonna come get me at any moment. Maybe they'd beat me up before they put me in jail, I don't know.

"So finally I decided I'd better go back and turn myself in. Y'know, because it was the right thing to do. I got up, and my back really hurt from sitting on that hard concrete for so long.

"The second I walked out of the alley and tried to cross the street, I saw the headlights. And then the car ran me over.

"Then I woke up here."

A shiver went through Razielphustar's whole body. He leaned over and tenderly hugged the little bat, almost in tears now himself. He gave the boy a soft kiss on top of his head, breathing in the pleasant scent of his abundant headfur.

Bartleby was confused again. He cringed and tried to squirm out of Razielphustar's embrace. "Stop it. Why are you hugging me? I don't deserve it! Stop..."

"Oh sweetheart..." The Hellguardian held the little bat still, trying only to keep him from getting away before he could explain. "You do too deserve to be hugged. Right now, you deserve nothing more. Bartleby, you have it all wrong!" he insisted.

The boy froze. "What do you mean?" It dawned on him. A flicker of hope. "My Dad's not really dead?" he asked eagerly.

Razielphustar nodded. "Not in the slightest. That tiny little blade barely went in half an inch. All it did was surprise him, and then make him madder."

"But he's alive, right!?" Bartleby's heart was thumping. Dad was alive! Even if he himself wasn't anymore, at least this meant the rest of his family wouldn't think he was a murderer!

Razielphustar, looking as serious as he could, turned the boy to face him. "Yes, Bartleby, he is still alive. In fact, as soon as he got up, he went looking for you. I read all this on my clipboard. He searched for you for hours. He drove all over town, getting angrier and angrier by the second. Until at last he finally saw you, stepping out of an alley.

"He floored the accelerator."

Bartleby felt something die within his heart. "No."

"He killed you. On purpose."

"No!"

Razielphustar felt two frail wings wrap around him as the young boy broke down in uncontrollable despair. The demon fought back tears of his own and did everything he could to soothe the boy's emotional tempest.

For Bartleby, this was the single most overwhelming moment of his life. He had never known such a tidal wave of conflicting emotion. Never before had his world been turned so completely upside down in so little time. One moment he was sure he'd killed his own father, and now he'd been told the truth was the exact opposite.

"It's a lie! You're lying to me!" Bartleby screamed suddenly. He pushed Razielphustar away and flailed his fists at the demon, his eyes shut tight in rage.

"I only wish I were..."

"No! Shut up! It's not fair! I didn't mean to! He didn't kill me! You're just a jerk! You're full of shit! Stop lying to me!!"

Razielphustar had no idea what to do. The little bat had become a hurricane. All he could do was simply take the powerless blows until the boy either calmed down or tired himself out.

In the end, it was the latter. Bartleby felt like a spent firecracker. For a few seconds, it had felt like his blood was on fire and about to burst out right through his skin. Now he felt like he barely had enough energy to breathe. He sat hunched over, dripping with sweat, his heart beating so furiously he was afraid it might suddenly break down.

Neither of them spoke for quite some time.

When Razielphustar thought perhaps that Bartleby might be ready to talk more, he gently jogged the boy's shoulder.

Bartleby looked up, his eyes a raw pink from crying so hard.

"I can show you, if you don't believe me," the demon said softly.

The young bat said nothing, but his expression was a challenge. 'Fine then. Show me.'

Solemnly, Razielphustar reached within the void in his vest and retrieved a small square mirror in a black frame. He handed it to Bartleby. "Look."

Bartleby took it in his thumbclaws and gazed into his own reflection. The image shimmered, then changed into the past. 

He saw his father coming home. He saw the terror reflected in his own eyes. He saw the knife. He saw his father fall, and him running out the door. He saw his father getting back up, angrier than Bartleby had ever seen him before (which was really saying something). He saw his father fling the knife across the kitchen. He saw his father scream at little Mandy, who'd come downstairs to ask what was wrong. He saw his sister crying. He saw the family car screeching down the road, his father clenching the wheel with all his strength, eyes darting in every direction at once, looking for his son. He saw himself huddled in that dark, dirty alley. He saw, through his father's eyes, himself stepping out suddenly in front of the car. He saw that there had been plenty of room to stop in time. He saw, in his father's mind, every moment of anger he had ever directed towards his youngest son. He saw his father's foot stomp the gas pedal and bellow in rage. He saw blackness.

Bartleby let the mirror fall from his grip. He looked up at nothing, his eyes glazed.

Razielphustar silently took the mirror and replaced it within his vest.

"Why?" Bartleby asked, his voice so small it was barely there at all.

"Because..." Razielphustar began. Then he stopped himself. "Actually, no. There is no because. There isn't anything I could possibly tell you right now that would make all of this make sense to you.

"But, you must realize, your father is a man who has more anger running though his veins than blood. That is not your fault, Bartleby. It never has been. It is not your mother's fault. Or Chuck's, or Tricia's, or Mandy's. Your father is responsible for his own actions. He alone, just like everyone else in all existence. He made a bad decision in a moment of anger, and I only wish I could tell you what he's feeling right now. I dearly hope it is regret."

The little grey bat nodded. And all of a sudden, he felt very fragile. As if he were made entirely of glass.

"But I can tell you one thing," Razielphustar said as he softly ruffled the fur on Bartleby's arm. "And that is that I do not blame you one bit for what happened. And I don't think anyone else would either."

Bartleby whimpered. He fell over sideways to land softly upon Razielphustar's lap. "I'm sorry I hit you," he said.

"Apology accepted," the squirreldemon replied.

		***

Bartleby was quiet for several minutes. He laid motionless with his head upon his new friend's lap, staring up at the red rock ceiling of his new room. Watching the soft light making tiny, flickering shadows. Sorting through his thoughts.

"My dad really was mean to us," he finally said.

Razielphustar made a small 'I'm listening' sound.

Bartleby continued. "He yelled at all of us. A lot. He'd get home from work and he'd be angry until he went to sleep. I can hardly remember *any* times when he seemed really happy. He was always complaining that his stomach hurt, or his back hurt, or his feet. Sometimes he hit mom when she didn't make what he wanted for supper. One time he knocked her on the floor and she broke a tooth. Right in front of me."

Razielphustar gave the little bat a soft nuzzle.

"I think Chuck got it the worst. Dad didn't yell at my sisters too much, probly because they were girls. But he always blamed everything that went wrong on me, and he always called Chuck a loser. And that was really stupid because Chuck was good at everything. He was really smart, and he played, like, a dozen sports." Bartleby sniffed back a tear. "He told me lotsa times that I was a good brother and that he loved me."

"Do you think, perhaps, that your Dad was jealous of Chuck?" Razielphustar gently asked. "What with him being good at everything, like you said. Do you think maybe it made him feel bad about his own failures?"

Bartleby thought it over. "Yeah, that does make a lot of sense. Actually..." He stopped, and came to a realization that was more startling in that he hadn't realized it sooner. "Actually, he did that to _all_ of us. He called Chuck a loser. He called mom lazy, but she did more work around the house than all of us. He called Tricia stupid, and she's smarter than all of us put together. And Mandy... He'd call her ugly and she'd run to her room crying. She's only six..."

It was like a dagger in his heart to hear the boy say such things. Nothing hurt Razielphustar more than when people were cruel to children. "And what about you, Bartleby? If your theory is true, that he accuses people of being the opposite of what they truly are, then what does that make you?"

Quietly, Bartleby pondered that. "I guess... I guess it's 'cause I fix things. I don't mean like appliances. I mean, like when he makes Mandy cry, I always give her a hug and tell her she's the prettiest little sister in the world. And I always tell mom she's a good cook and I thank her for doin' stuff for me and the others. I help Tricia study. And I go to as many of Chuck's sports things as I can. I always cheer really loud in the stands so he can hear me."

Razielphustar took Bartleby's winghand in his paw and gave it a soft squeeze. "It doesn't surprise me at all to hear that. I imagine such behavior must enrage your father. He blames you for things going wrong because it shames him that you're always trying to heal the wounds he inflicts on the rest of your family."

Bartleby shut his eyes tight. He shuddered. The words hurt because they were so true. And the worst part was, he'd only realized this now. Now that it was too late for him to put it to any use.

"For some people," Razielphustar said, "the only way they can feel big is if they stomp as hard as they can on everyone around them to keep them small. These people are called bullies, Bartleby. And no matter how hard you try to fix them, by loving them and doing nice things for them, it only makes them angrier. Because they hate knowing that you're a better furson inside than they are."

The little bat sobbed, just once. It was what he'd always known all along, but had never been able to put words to. "How do you know all this?"

Razielphustar smiled sadly. "Because, my sweet boy, I am a Hellguardian. Arch-Hellguardian, actually. And despite the scary-sounding name, my job is to greet new arrivals to my realm, and to do my very best to cheer them up. I have met many, many children in situations just like yours. I've seen plenty that came from even worse. A heartbreaking percentage of them refused to believe, for the longest time, that their parents really were the ones at fault. They insist that it must have been because *they* did something bad that daddy hits them. Or that mommy drinks too much. Or that mommy spends all her money on drugs. Or that their parents are getting a divorce. ...Or that daddy comes into their room every night and rapes them."

Bartleby shivered hard.

Razielphustar gave his winghand a steadying squeeze. "It happens. It happens more often than you could ever imagine. If you could see every horrifying thing that I have seen done to innocent, beautiful little children like you, you would go mad on the spot. I am not exaggerating. You would go irrevocably insane, and you would beg me to kill you."

"H-how can you stand it?" Bartleby asked.

The squirreldemon smiled firmly. "By doing everything I can to make things better. I love my job, heartbreaks and all. When I can take a scarred, savaged little cub and find a way to make them smile again, my heart knows no greater joy. I do my job for no payment or reward. I do it, because I must."

Bartleby rolled over a bit to sit up with his head lying on Razielphustar's soft red shirt. "That's cool. You sound like a really nice guy... um..." He blushed. "Sorry, I forgot how to pronounce your name."

"It's okay, little one," the squirreldemon said with a gentle grin. "Razielphustar isn't exactly a common name among the living."

"'Razielphustar'," Bartleby said again, trying to make it stick in his mind this time.

"And Bartleby, you *are* a good boy," the demon insisted. "You really are a very sweet, generous, empathic young cub. And I'm proud of you for being able to realize what you did about your father just now. That was very clever of you."

Bartleby smiled, just a little. "Thanks."

Razielphustar sighed. "Do you want to know the real reason why a wonderful, smart, handsome little bat like yourself got sent to Hades instead of Heaven?" he said bittersweetly. "The real reason? The big, number one reason?"

"Why?" Bartleby asked, curious now.

The squirreldemon gritted his teeth. "As I mentioned before, He makes all the rules. It used to be, in the days before his madness, that what He called sins were only moral guidelines of sorts. It is literally impossible for any living creature to go though life, even a short one, without committing at least one mortal sin. But He used to be much more forgiving. Back then, just about everyone got into heaven. Down here, we were just the catch basin for the worst of the lot. The most incurable of the cruel.

"Then, things changed. He started getting much stricter with His rules. He expected you mortals to be able to read His mind. He started sending more and more people here, and not listening to even the most reasonable of explanations for seemingly sinful behavior. Everything got worse and worse and worse. And now... Now, He's as much a lunatic as the worst dictator, murderer or rapist in the seventh circle."

"Seventh circle?" Bartleby inquired.

"I'll explain that later," Razielphustar promised. "Anyway, as things stand now, He sends virtually everyone to Hell. In His eyes, we are all filth. His standards are so high they're laughable. Would you care to take a guess as to how many beings, in all the universe, were accepted into Heaven last year? Hmm?"

Bartleby shrugged. "No idea."

"Come on now. All last year. Three hundred and sixty-five day's worth of deaths. Out of all the octillions of life forms in the universe, how many do you think He decided were pious enough to enter His kingdom?"

"Um.... A million?" Bartleby guessed, thinking that would be pretty low.

The demon was wearing a sick grin. "Six."

"Six million?"

"No. _Six_."

Bartleby's eyes went wide in horror. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"I'm not. Six. Six souls, out of an uncountable number of newly dead. That's unconscionable, of course, but what frightens me even more is trying to imagine what sort of torturous, masochistic, impossibly repressive lives those six must have lived in order to obey every one of his thousands of contradictory rules... And, oh my soul, what must that twisted, omnipotent madman consider Heaven to be now?" It made him almost physically ill to think about it for too long.

Bartleby felt very small and very afraid. "So... everyone else gets sent to Hell?"

Razielphustar nodded. "Everyone. We demons are kept busy every second of every day constantly expanding our boundaries. If it weren't for reincarnation, all of existence would have surely been canceled out by now."

Reincarnation? It was real? Huh. He'd always thought that was just something nutty Tricia believed in. He'd have to ask Razielphustar to explain that some more later. But for now he still needed one more question answered. "So, um, what was my reason? You said there was one big reason I was sent here."

The demon's eyes stared off into space, deep and pained with bitterness. He put his arm across the boy's chest and ruffled his soft, fuzzy fur. "Your reason. It's the most hypocritical reason of all. He made you this way, and now He casts you aside like rubbish for not being able to change. Bartleby, you are damned for all eternity, simply because you're gay."

The little bat's body stiffened up in panic. "No! Um, I'm not! Really!" he shouted.

"Shhh... Hush, little one." Razielphustar leaned down to tenderly nuzzle his eartip. "You are. You know that you are. I can see it too. When I look at you, I see not only your flesh, but your thoughts, your feelings, your mind, your soul and your heart. You are who you are, Bartleby."

"I'm not..." he protested weakly. "At least, I don't want to be..."

Razielphustar gave him a comforting smile. "Whyever not? Why do you think it's a bad thing to be? Who told you? Your father, the bully? Other children at school? And where did they all learn it from? _His_ teachings. He says it's wrong, when He's the one responsible for creating you that way in the first place!

"Please believe me, little one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving whomever you choose to love. You can love other boys, or girls, or both, or neither. And so long as you don't hurt anyone else, or try to force them to love you back, there is not a single thing wrong with it. Anything you imagine to yourself, *any* fantasy, no matter how strange, is perfectly fine too. As it harm no one, do as ye will, Bartleby. Do as ye will."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, sweetiefur, that you are perfect. Just as you are. You are innocent, and you are beautiful. And whatever makes you happy is okay. Whatever you like to do for you, no matter what anyone else thinks, is just fine. As long as you respect others and allow them their own happiness, nothing you do is bad or wrong or sinful, and no one here will ever look down on you for it. I promise."

Silently, Bartleby looked up into the demon's face; his warm eyes, his loving smile. He knew, somehow, deep in his heart that everything Razielphustar had said was true. It was a tiny voice that had been there all along, but had been forcibly silenced again and again by the angry voices of parents, of teachers, of politicians, of clergy, of society as a whole. All those angry voices saying that pleasure and love were wrong and disgusting. All of them saying, now that he thought about it, the most ridiculously backwards things imaginable. Up is down. Black is white. Happiness is bad. Love is evil.

"I'm gay too, Bartleby," Razielphustar admitted. He grinned. "Well, to be truthful, I'm a little bit of everything. You can't spend eight thousand eons in the sinnin'est place on earth without experimenting a little bit here and there."

Bartleby chuckled a bit.

Razielphustar tickled the cute bat's tummy, getting a happy giggle in response. "You're perfect just the way you are, little one. And I love you."

The young bat stopped short. His smile grew wide and grateful. "Thanks. I guess... Um... I guess I love you too." He blushed a bit.

The demon grinned understandingly. "Bet that was hard to say, huh? Your society kind of treats those three little words like profanity. Strange isn't it? You can say 'fuck' and 'shit' and all sorts of other colorful little expletives all you want. But just say 'I love you' at the wrong time to the wrong furson and you're liable to get beaten to death. Or worse." He sighed bittersweetly. "I'm glad I live in the abyss. Things make so much more sense down here."

Bartleby patted his new friend's leg. "Sucks, huh?"

"It sucks indeed, young one." Razielphustar sat up a little. He cupped his chin and stroked it thoughtfully. "Say, I just had an idea. He'll probably be busy as usual, but we might be able to gain a few moments of his time..."

"Who?" Bartleby asked.

"Someone who can explain things even better than I can. And there's one more thing you need to agree to before we can let you stay here."

Puzzled, the little bat cocked an eyebrow up.

"Oh, I'll just explain when we get there. Better to act fast now, before his lunch break." Razielphustar stood up from the bed, stretched his arms and his tiny black wings, then offered Bartleby his paw. "Shall we?"

"I guess so."

Bartleby took the demon's paw in his thumbclaw and was instantly whisked up to Razielphustar's shoulders for a piggyback ride. "Off we go!" the squirreldemon said sprightly.

The door opened by itself again and they stepped once more into the swirling whirlpool of liquid night.


	*   *   *   *   *


-CHAPTER THREE-

They emerged in a roughly-carved, perfectly silent hallway that stretched outwards in either direction into infinity. There were hundreds, millions, maybe *billions* of doors all up and down the dusty, torchlit corridor. Black wooden doors with brass knobs. And on the door they were stranding directly in front of there was a small, modest gold plaque. Upon it was engraved...

"'The Devil'?"

Razielphustar shrugged. "He's actually quite humble. And he's got a great sense of humor."

Bartleby couldn't believe it. "The actual *Devil*?"

Razielphustar nodded. "And we're going to go say hello to him! Doesn't that sound exciting?"

Not really, no. Bartleby fidgeted nervously. "Uh, what should I call him?"

"Hmm?"

"Well, he's got so many names. Satan, Lucifer, Prince of Darkness..."

The squirreldemon nodded. He started listing off names on his fingers. "...Father of Lies, Lord of Chaos, The Beast, The Morning Star, The Great Horned One, El Diablo, Old Scratch, Old Nick, Archfiend, Mephistopheles, Ash-shaytan, Azaezel, Baal, Belial... I think he's rather fond of Beelzebub, actually. It sounds the most comical." He scratched his chin. "I really don't think it matters, actually. I've never known him to care much about titles. Heck, some of the Minor Imps just call him 'Big Red'."

"Okay," said Bartleby. "I've just never met the Devil before, y'know?"

Razielphustar chuckled. "He's really nice. You'll like him," he reassured. He stepped up to the door and gave it three quick, crisp raps.

The door creaked open.

Instantly, from deep within the chamber beyond, there rose the loudest bellow Bartleby had ever heard. An earthshaking, earsplitting, stomach-clenching bass boom.

"***WHAT?!?!?***"

Unfazed, Razielphustar poked his head inside. "What's all the hubbub, Bub?"

Then, muffled, as if from a long distance away, "Oh. Is that you, Razzy? Sorry 'bout that. I didn't get much sleep last night and I've been kvetching like an ass all morning."

Bartleby looked up to his companion with wide, stunned eyes. His expression clearly saying, 'What the hell was that all about!?'.

Razielphustar smirked and made a 'never mind' gesture. "He's got a crappy job. Don't worry; he loves kids."

Bartleby was not exactly soothed. After all, rabid pit bulls loved kids too. For dinner. Gulping, the young bat reached up and took Razielphustar's paw.

The squirreldemon led him inside.

The room was cavernous. Dark as a mountain cave and reeking of mildew, it was nearly as long as a football field, with a ceiling as high as any cathedral. Every inch of available space was taken up with a truly staggering, eye-popping amount of shelves, all of them straining under the weight of thousands upon thousands of pounds of paper. It was a librarian's worst nightmare come to life.

Bartleby glanced down as he walked, unable to avoid stepping on some of the papers that had fluttered down from the higher shelves. They looked like personal files of some sort. Like the ones he'd seen when he peeked in his teacher's desk that one time. Was it possible that this room contained information on every soul in hell?

Something skittered off to his left. Bartleby's ear swiveled instantly to pinpoint the sound. He turned his head, but only caught a glimpse of something that might have been a tiny, skinny creature running along the floor, carrying a stack of files above its head.

He and Razielphustar walked along together for a long time. Bartleby wondered if they'd ever get to the other end of the room.

Finally though, he spotted a small, amber light at the end of one of the rows. As they came closer, it was revealed to be an ornamental gold desk lamp. Hunched over a long wooden table, a large, indiscriminate figure sat scribbling furiously through a towering, barely-organized stack of paper.

Razielphustar cleared his throat.

The figure looked up, then stood and approached them.

It was, unmistakably, The Devil.

If one can imagine the mating between a bat, a serpent, a raven, a goat and a wolf, one might have half a chance at describing the form of the creature that approached Bartleby and Razielphustar. He stood eight feet tall on two powerfully muscled legs, thick as tree trunks and ending in scuffed black hooves. His tail swished lazily through the air behind him, pointed at the tip and almost three feet in length. He was covered in dried-blood-red fur, with a coarse black mane. Dark reptilian scales shimmered on his stomach and in smaller, symmetrical patches about his body. From his back, two great wings protruded: partially membraned and partially sprouting greasy black feathers. His face was canine, a long muzzle with glinting white teeth. Upon his head rose two immense ebon horns.

Bartleby would have been shaking in his shoes if he'd been wearing any.

"Hey there, kiddo!" The devil said brightly. "How ya doin'?"

Shivering with fright and confusion, Bartleby couldn't speak a word as the towering King of Demons knelt before him and reached out to shake hands. Bartleby raised his wing, but wasn't even aware of it.

The Devil's handshake was firm and polite. "You seem like a nice kid. What can I do for you?"

His voice was kindly enough, but what finally wiped away every trace of Bartleby's fear was when he looked into the Devil's eyes. If the eyes truly are windows to the soul, then the eyes of Lucifer spun ancient stories with a single glance.

In those eyes, Bartleby saw a selfless kindness that knew no bounds. He saw a man, not a myth or a monster, who had taken on an impossibly difficult and heartwrenching task for the good of all living things. He saw a furson who had seen such sadness and suffering that it would destroy a mortal mind to glimpse even a second's worth. He saw someone who was not evil, not cruel, did not revel in torture, but who was simply doing his job. And doing it with great compassion.

"I-I'm Bartleby," the stunned little bat said at last. "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Beelzebub."

Satan smiled. "Ah. I knew it. I can spot a good kid from a mile away." He stood back up. "Come on over. Have a seat. There's still some donuts left if you're hungry."

The Devil went back to his chair and fell into it with a thud. For the first time, Bartleby noticed that he was limping quite badly.

Razielphustar pulled up a chair for Bartleby and they both sat down opposite the Prince of Darkness. "How bad's the paperwork today?" Razielphustar asked with a wince.

Lucifer shot back a glare that could split titanium. "Awful." He took a swig of coffee from his eternally-full mug. Bartleby noticed that on the side of it was printed: 'Mean People Suck'.

"What brings you down here, Raz?" The Devil asked. "Something about the kid, I'm guessing?"

The squirreldemon nodded. "He's had a rather rough day. I think he needs some special reassurance that things really aren't so bad down here. I thought perhaps you could fill him in on some backstory."

Put like that, Bartleby thought it sounded rather petty. He could tell the Devil was extremely busy. He hoped they weren't just wasting his time.

On the contrary, Lucifer seemed not to mind at all. It was a change of pace from all the infernal paperwork, after all. "Alright." He turned to Bartleby, and jerked his thumb at Razielphustar. "He already tell you how God's a total schmuck?"

Bartleby bit down a forbidden chortle. He nodded. "Yes, sir."

The Devil grimaced. "Feh! To heck with this 'sir' crap. I hate 'sir'. It just reminds me I'm the boss of everything."

The little bat smiled lopsidedly. "Oh-kaaay. Um. Well, I just kinda wanted to know what's gonna happen to me now."

Razielphustar put his feet up on the table and began to file his claws.

"No problem." The Devil pushed a box of donuts towards Bartleby. "They're fresh," he enticed.

Not wanting to be rude, Bartleby accepted. He chose a toasted coconut one.

Beelzebub grinned happily. "Great. I hate those. Take all the coconut ones you like." He steepled his fingertips. "Okay, so, explanation time. If you wanna go all the way back to the beginning of the story, I used to be an angel, if you didn't already know."

Bartleby nodded. "I knew that," he mumbled through a mouthful of crumbs.

"Good. The kid pays attention. Anyway, this was back in them good old days when God was Lord of Everything. But 'everything' was basically Him, us, and an infinite amount of cosmic nuthin'. Boring! We were all getting pretty damned sick of it. Then He got this great idea to create some life. Some of us thought it was kind of an iffy concept, but whattaya gonna do? He's God. He makes His own rules."

Satan paused a bit for another slurp of coffee. As he talked, his left hand picked up his pen and started mechanically writing away, filling out forms seemingly all by itself. "The problems started when He gave His creations free will. That meant they had the ability to choose for themselves whether they wanted to worship Him or not (we angels didn't really have such a luxury).

"Inevitably, once evolution really got rollin', free will created the first assholes. And they bred like fuckin' amoebas. God started getting pissed at them. He'd thought that His little people'd just naturally want to serve and worship Him, and when instead they spent all their free time screwing and killing each other, it really ticked Him off.

"So, He decided they had to be punished."

At that moment, a tiny, goblinlike critter hopped up onto the table and set down a short stack of manilla folders. "Here ya go, Big Red," it squeaked gruffly.

The Devil rolled his eyes disgustedly and accepted the last thing he wanted more of.

The odd little thing noticed Bartleby. It grabbed its crotch, stuck out its tongue, farted, and leapt off the table.

The young bat giggled.

Lucifer smirked. "They're annoying little bastards, but efficient." He took another long slurp off his mug. "Now, it wasn't just me who thought He was a little off-base about the whole 'divine retribution' thing. After all, He'd given His creations free will so they could do whatever they wanted. How could He then punish them for not making the choices He wanted them to? To me, and a lot of others, that sounded petty and hypocritical.

"So, in as polite a manner as we could, we told Him our opinion. And He shot a bunch of Holy Lightning up our asses and cast us eternally out of Heaven. I guess we caught Him in a bitchy mood that day."

Razielphustar snickered and reached for a Boston cream.

Bartleby sat in silence, completely fascinated. His old sunday school teacher'd shit a brick if she'd been listening to this!

Pen still scratching away impossibly fast without him even looking at it, Satan continued. "God decreed that a new plane of existence would be created, called Hell. Here, all the living souls He considered no-goodniks would be sent after death to be punished foreverandever for their sins. Since my crowd had so royally angered Him by disagreeing with His idea, He whipped out some of that irony He's so famous for and made all of us the jailers in His new li'l abysmal penal colony. We were transformed into demons - a process that was incredibly painful by the way - and I was crafted into the Supreme Lord of the Underworld. Changed forever from my former celestial body to the ugliest form He could conceive of at the moment."

Bartleby looked sad. "You're not ugly," he interrupted softly. "You look really cool, actually."

The Devil smiled a truly warm and grateful smile. "Thank you, dear boy, for saying so. I can see in your heart you're being honest. It means a lot to me to hear that."

The little bat smiled too. 'Geez, Razielphustar was right; I do go around makin' people feel better!' he thought happily.

Mephistopheles popped an entire apple fritter into his mouth and continued his grand, tragic tale. "So, me and my friends all got banished to the pits, and God laid down His unbreakable rule: 'All Souls Who Pass Through The Gates Of Hell Shall Be Tortured Eternally As Penance For Their Earthly Transgressions'." Satan took a sip of coffee. "What a kind and forgiving guy, huh?"

Bartleby nodded blankly. He felt a little knot in his gut. That meant *he* would be tortured eternally too!

The Devil leaned in closer and a canny, sharkish grin stretched across his lupine snout. "But you see, Bartleby, that's where God made His greatest mistake ever. He underestimated me. I *am* after all the father of lies, the most devious mind in all existence, and the inventor and perfecter of the almighty loophole. When He declared that all souls in Hell must be tortured forever, and He made me the Supreme Lord of absolutely everything down here, He didn't realize that that meant *I* was the one who got to decide what form that torture should take!" He finished with a hearty slam of his massive paw on the table for dramatic effect.

Bartleby raised an eyebrow. "So, what's that mean for me?"

The Devil reached across the table and gave the little bat's right ear a flick.

"Ow!" He rubbed his ear. "I'm sorry for interrupting."

Satan laughed out loud. "No, silly boy! Don't apologize! You asked, and I answered. That's your torture!"

Bartleby made a classic 'huh?' face. "_That_?"

"Sure. That oughtta be enough for a while," Lucifer said with a shrug.

The little bat chortled. "You're kidding!"

"Not at all!" Satan said cheerfully. "When God made His little booboo, I capitalized on it immediately. He had unwittingly set up Hell so that I commanded every aspect of it. And since He just wanted to sit around on his holy ass all day, judging mortals without getting His hands dirty, He sealed off Hell completely and made it one-hundred-percent autonomous."

"Auto-what-amus?" Bartleby asked. He'd seen that word in a book before, but wasn't sure what it meant.

"'Autonomous,'" Razielphustar recited without looking up, "'Existing in a state of independence; self-governing.'"

The Devil tipped him a nod. "Thank you, Razzy."

"Yer welcome."

"To further clarify," The Devil told Bartleby, "it means that the big omniscient sourpuss screwed up. He unwittingly gave me complete control of Hell, and in the process made Himself utterly and forever unable to exert even the teeniest, tiniest bit of His will down here!"

Bartleby grinned. "I get it! So, in a nutshell, you can do whatever the Hell you want!"

The Devil laughed so hard he nearly destroyed his paperwork, his chair and the table in the process. "Oh man, I *love* this kid! Razzy, send me more like him! I need a good laugh in the middle of the day like this!"

Bartleby felt very proud of himself. He'd actually made the Devil laugh out loud! How cool was that?

Wiping his eyes, Lucifer sighed happily. "Oh, wow. Thanks, kid. You've brought a little ray of sunshine to an otherwise excruciating afternoon."

"You're welcome!" Bartleby said politely.

"And you're exactly right, too. I can, and do, do exactly whatever the Hell I want around here. And the first thing I did once the souls started flowing in was to make some distinctions.

"You see, His definition of a bad furson and my own vary greatly. He's got all these meshugga rules that just make you scratch your head and wonder what in the name of Him was He smoking when He came up with them. My rules are much clearer: you're a bad furson if you hurt other people. There. That's it. Simple and to the point."

"That's it?"

"That's all I've ever needed," Satan said simply. "With the help of a friend of mine called Garthuulom, who was Razielphustar's great-great-great granddaddy by the way, we came up with the idea for The Seven Levels."

"Yeah, Razielphustar mentioned that."

Lucifer nodded. "The seven levels are, as follows: 'Really Quite Nice', 'Naughty', 'Jerks', 'Dickheads', 'Assholes', 'Complete Assholes', and 'Scum Of The Earth'."

Bartleby almost choked on his donut laughing.

"Well, we've updated the names a few times," Satan admitted.

Barely restraining giggles, Bartleby asked, "So where am I gonna go?"

"Oh, the Naughty level," Lucifer replied immediately. "Almost all little kids go there first. It's fun. It's like 'Hell: The Amusement Park'. You'll see."

That actually sounded kinda interesting, Bartleby thought.

"Really, most people are okay. Those that maybe cut too many people off on the freeway, take their babies with them to 'R' rated movies, or decide on a job in telemarketing, go to the Jerks level. That's for otherwise decent folks who just need to learn a few things about empathy for others. Not much worse than where they came from, really.

"The Dickheads level is for cruel bosses, petty thieves, small-time drug dealers, casual racists, yada yada yada. Folks that don't feel a lot of remorse at spreading a little suffering around here and there.

"Assholes, as you can imagine, is for Assholes. Wife-beaters, drunk drivers, small-town politicians...

"To be a Complete Asshole, you have to display a stunning lack of redemptive qualities. Parents that beat up their children. Heads of corporations that loot their employees blind. Rapists...

"And then we come to Scum Of The Earth. Guess where most world leaders go straight to when they die, sadly enough? This is for hopeless cases only. There, life is so horrendous, you could never even begin to imagine it with your young, innocent mind. It is where cold-blooded murderers, heartless dictators, fur-farm owners - in the days of humans, mind you - and the most purely remorseless sociopaths are forced to experience their crimes over and over again through the eyes of their victims. Thankfully, it is the smallest circle in Hell, by far."

Bartleby nodded solemnly. "What about the first one? The nice one?"

Beelzebub perked up again. "That's as close as I can make this place into what Heaven *ought* to be. I can't give you any details, it's supposed to be a surprise after all, but you might get a chance to see it for yourself someday. When any soul has paid their penance and genuinely worked hard to become a better furson, they are re-judged, and sometimes they can move up a level. Since right now you're in level number two - and really, you've got barely any sins to worry about, kiddo - you may find yourself moving up sooner than you realize," he said with a knowing glint in his eye.

For the first time ever since crash landing in the red room, Bartleby truly felt hopeful. He allowed himself to believe that, yeah, maybe he really was a good boy. And maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. "Can I ask you something else?"

"Anything, my boy."

"Will I get to see my Mom and my brother and sisters again?" he asked hopefully.

The Devil reached out his massive, taloned paw and patted Bartleby gently on the head. "Of course you will. Give it some time. All living beings die eventually. And as long as He keeps sending 'em all down here, you're bound to run into friends and family sooner or later. We'll all do our best to make the wait as entertaining as we can."

Bartleby giggled. Lucifer's fur was actually rather soft. "I'm glad to hear that."

Razielphustar took his feet off the table and slid a little closer to Bartleby. "Um, Beelz, there's something else... God's other rule, remember?"

Satan winced. "Yes, right. I thought you usually..."

"Well, yeah. But I thought it might be nice for Bartleby to have you do it personally."

The little grey bat was confused again. Whatever they were talking about, it didn't sound very nice. "Um..."

The Devil leaned over the table and fixed Bartleby with a serious, calming gaze. "Bartleby, this part is gonna be scary for you, but it has to be done."

That only made him more nervous. "What, what?"

"Before God washed His hands of me," said Satan, "He forced one more rule upon His newly created Hell. He ordered that all souls entering Hell must give up their hearts, or cease to exist forever."

"What does that mean?" Bartleby asked timidly.

"It means," Razielphustar said with a soft pat on the boy's shoulder, "that you must willingly agree to have your heart ripped from your chest within your first one hundred hours of entering Hell. If not, your soul will irreversibly self-destruct."

The young bat sat bolt upright and trembled in fear. "No. Please... I don't wanna..."

Razielphustar pulled his chair closer and hugged the little bat. "Shush, sweetheart. It only sounds scary. It won't hurt a bit."

Lucifer nodded. "It's true, I promise. God may have forced His sadistic laws upon my realm, but I came up with one of my own: 'Each Soul In Hell Shall Suffer Exactly As Much As They Deserve To And No More'. Simply put, since you're a good kid, practically nothing here will ever hurt, ever again. I swear on my honor."

Bartleby bit his lip. Faced with either having his heart torn out or ceasing to exist, the choice was pretty clear. Mustering all his bravery, he solemnly said, "Okay."

Razielphustar gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'm proud of you, little one. I have seen beautiful, bright souls who were too frightened, or too proud, to accept their fate, then watched in tears as they vanished forever. If that happened to you, I'd probably erase myself on the spot as well."

Lucifer had gotten up and come around the end of the table to kneel beside them. "You're young, Razzy," he said, his tone wounded and world-weary. "I've been forced to witness every one of those lost souls' last moments. Nothing causes me more sorrow." He shook his head in sad remembrance.

Bartleby turned around in his chair to face the Devil. "It really won't hurt?" he asked meekly.

Mephistopheles took the boy's winghand in both of his paws. "If it does, even for a second, I'll personally take your sins onto my own shoulders and escort you to the Really Quite Nice level myself. That sound okay?"

Bravely, Bartleby accepted. "Alright. Get it over with." He gave Razielphustar's paw a squeeze.

The squirreldemon held him tight, his head resting on the boy's shoulder. "You're being very brave, Bartleby. I'm so proud of you."

The little bat managed a smile at the kind words.

The Devil extended a single claw, pointed at Bartleby's chest.

The little bat closed his eyes and tried his hardest to keep from shivering.

The thick black talon touched his chest and pierced it as easily as tissue paper.

Bartleby gasped. That had actually felt... Kinda nice! He opened his eyes and his look of fear became one of curiosity.

The Devil made a long slash in the boy's warm flesh. With his single claw, he reached into the cut and speared the boy's still-beating heart.

Bartleby moaned in startled pleasure. "Oh!" He couldn't help it; his young cock jumped in its sheath.

With utmost gentleness, Lucifer extracted Bartleby's heart and placed it in the palm of his hand. "Take a look."

The little bat looked. There was his heart. As it laid in the Devil's paw, it was still beating. It was bigger than he'd imagined it. And it looked nothing like a valentine. It was shaped sort of like a huge, knobby strawberry, actually.

Lucifer gave the boy a gentle smile. "That's it. All done. That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"No. It, um, actually it felt good," Bartleby admitted.

Razielphustar noticed the boy's plump little erection and grinned, but didn't say anything.

"You were exceptionally brave, young one," the Devil commended. With that, he opened his mouth and swallowed Bartleby's heart in one gulp.

"Whydja do that for?" the boy asked.

Beelzebub burped. "'Scuse me. I have to. Every time a new soul gives up their heart, it's brought to me and I store it deep within myself. It's safe there, don't worry. It'll rest with all the others, all the uncountable trillions of others, until the end of time. Perfectly safe."

For whatever reason, that made Bartleby feel a bit better. He looked down at the gaping hole in his chest. He reached up to trace his thumbclaw along the edge of it. "What about this?"

"Just wish it better," said Razielphustar.

Bartleby wasn't exactly sure how, but the very second he decided he didn't want it there anymore, it sealed up like a living zipper and vanished without a trace. "Oh! Hey, that was neat!"

Razielphustar nuzzled him. "Yup. From now on, little one, you're indestructible. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can harm you."

The little bat grinned excitedly. "Really? Whoa! That's even neater!"

Satan chuckled. "It is, isn't it?" A chime sounded from behind him. He looked up at the gnarled, dust-encrusted clock upon the wall. "Aw, heck. I really need to get back to work. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay," said Bartleby. "I know you're busy. Thank you very much for talking with me. I feel better now."

The Devil stood up and patted the little bat on the head again. "The pleasure's been all mine. Come by and chat whenever you like. I'll do my best to accommodate you. And there'll always be as many donuts as you can eat!"

Bartleby chuckled. He got up from his chair and took hold of Razielphustar's paw. "Thanks again. I hope you get all your paperwork done."

Lucifer grinned in a way that was both charmed and heartbroken. "You have no idea how much I wish for that same thing."

Bartleby glanced around. "So, all these papers are all the souls in Hell, right?"

That same grin. Equal parts weariness and amusement. "Kid, did you see all those doors out in the hallway?"

Bartleby nodded.

"They all lead to rooms just as big as this one. And they're all full."

Bartleby's eyes got really big.

"You ever heard of carpal tunnel syndrome? I've got the worst case in the history of the universe!" he griped melodramatically.

The boy chuckled in sympathy. "Okay then, I'll let you catch up. And whenever you need some cheering up, I'll be happy to come by and tell jokes or something."

"Sounds great. And I hope you know some filthy ones, 'cuz those are my favorite kind!" He gave Bartleby one more hug. "See you soon, young one. Enjoy my kingdom. I have a feeling you're going to have a lot of fun seeing what Hell is really like."

"I'm sure I will too."

"Right then. Come along, Bartleby." Razielphustar held out his arms. Bartleby jumped up into them and the squirreldemon deftly arranged the boy across his shoulder. They both waved goodbye to the Devil.

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

The Devil tossed them a jaunty wave as well. He chuckled as he went back to his desk. What a nice little afternoon diversion...

		***

Razielphustar shut the door behind them and once again they found themselves in the hallway of endless doors. "Sorry squirt, but I have to say goodbye for now too."

Bartleby's face fell. "No! Come on, we were just starting to get to know each other! I was just starting to feel like maybe I could be happy here!"

The demon gave his young friend a long, loving hug. "I know, sweet boy. But I do have a job to do. Even if I can bend time and space to welcome a thousand souls a day, I still need at least a little bit of time to start with. I promise we'll see each other again. Later today, if I can manage it."

Bartleby bit his lip.

Razielphustar caressed the boy's cheekfur affectionately. "I do like you a lot, little one. I'm friends with many, many other young furs, but you are special to me nonetheless."

"Thank you." He thought of something. "Hey, do you welcome just kids like me?"

Razielphustar nodded. "Mm-hmm. All us demons have our areas of expertise. Mine just happens to be making little furballs grin." And with that, he gave Bartleby's tummy a tickle.

The little bat did indeed grin. "Alright. I'll see you later then. I'll be lookin' forward to it."

"And I as well, Bartleby." Like the shutter of a camera opening, a perfectly square trapdoor appeared in the floor at the squirreldemon's feet, an unearthly orange glow emanating from it.

"What's that?!" Bartleby yelped.

"Oh, just another portal, to take you where you need to go." He held the boy out at arm's length. "Toodle-oo, my little grey-furred friend!"

"You're not gonna drop me, are you?" Bartleby squeaked worriedly.

"Sure? Why not?" He pulled the boy in closer for one more quick kiss. With a knowing, playful grin, he whispered in his ear, "And you don't have to be scared. It's all in fun. I love you, remember?"

With that, Razielphustar let go, and Bartleby plummeted into the glowing orange shaft.

The opening sprang shut as soon as Bartleby's eartips cleared it.

Razielphustar blew his new friend a kiss. "Have fun, dear boy!" He walked off down the hallway to his next transport, smiling deliciously all the way, imagining what exciting adventures Bartleby would get up to in his travels through the Naughty level...


	*   *   *   *   *


-CHAPTER FOUR-

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-

"Oh wait. I can fly."

Bartleby caught the wind and felt like a complete idiot.

He hung there, flapping, managing fairly well to keep himself in a sort-of hover. Chuck was much better at hovering. Bartleby hadn't yet gotten the hang of staying put without gradually sinking.

He wasn't falling anymore though, so that was an improvement.

It seemed he was in some sort of volcanic shaft. The walls glowed by themselves; an overpowering shade of bright orange.

'Well, what am I gonna do now?' he wondered.

He looked down. If the shaft had a bottom, he couldn't see it.

He weighed his options. He could try flying back up again, but he was fairly sure he'd heard the opening snap shut behind him when he fell. He could try to gradually lower himself down, but he had no idea how deep this abyss went. He'd probably just tire out his wings.

Of course, he could just let himself fall...

Surprising himself, he actually considered the idea. Razielphustar had told him not to be scared, and that he loved him. The nice demon wouldn't have really put him in any danger, would he?

Well, it looked like there was only one way to test that theory. Bartleby looked down into the bottomless pit again, gulped, and stopped flapping.

He shot downwards like a bullet.

He hoped, hoped, hoped, hoped, *hoped* that he was right. That whatever was at the bottom of this thing wouldn't hurt him. And, in case his theory was wrong, that he'd be able to pull up in time if necessary.

As it turned out, he didn't have time to worry about it much longer. An inky black portal snapped across the width of the shaft like a rubber spiderweb. Bartleby fell straight into it before he even had time to blink.

		***

"Ouch!"

Bartleby fell from seemingly out of nowhere and landed hard on his tush in a hard plastic chair in front of a desk.

The other kids all giggled.

Totally befuddled, it took Bartleby a few seconds to get his head back on straight. He looked all around.

He was in a classroom! Sitting at a perfectly ordinary desk in a perfectly ordinary classroom. Pastel green walls, educational posters, bookshelves, blackboard and all. Through the windows he could see it was a bright sunshiny afternoon outside. Several other kids were sitting at their own desks, regarding him with curious eyes and welcoming smiles.

If he hadn't been absolutely certain otherwise, he would have thought he'd simply fallen asleep in class and then woke up from a long, weird dream.

He was just about to ask one of his new classmates what in the heck was going on when, from the front of the room, someone barked fiercely, "Mister Fletch!!"

Bartleby's head swiveled around faster than a speeding bullet. His eyes got really big.

Standing in front of her desk, a riding crop dangling from one paw, was the most scantily-clad teacher Bartleby had ever seen. She was a gorgeous, incredibly sexy mousewoman. She looked to be in her mid-thirties, but with the figure and the playful smile of a twenty-year-old. She had silver-white fur and long, poofy blonde hair in a cascade down her back. There was a pair of little oval eyeglasses just above her pink nose. She was dressed in an absolute mockery of a prim schoolteacher's attire, artistically altered to allow vast stretches of feminine fur to public view.

"Mister FLETCH!!!" she hollered again, and grinned evilly.

"Um, yes Ma'am?" Bartleby timorously replied.

"Stand up," she ordered crisply.

Bartleby was out of his seat faster than you could say 'scared-shitless'.

The teacher nibbled on the handle of her riding crop for a moment, sizing up the naked little batboy like a piece of livestock. "Class, it seems our new student has just dropped in," she said wittily.

All the other kids giggled some more.

Bartleby noticed several things then.

First, all of his classmates were grinning, not at all afraid of their rather alarming teacher.

Second, most of them were as naked as he was (and some of them still had their horns too).

Third, he glanced out the window and saw there was a playground outside. Outside? That was weird, since Bartleby had always been pretty sure Hell was underground. And when he looked closer, he realized it was definitely _not_ a typical playground. At the bottom of the slide was a pit of fire that 'fwoosh'ed spectacularly each time a cub slid gleefully into it. Other kids were contentedly sinking in the sandbox, just as if it were quicksand. And quite a few other cubs were shamelessly gettin' naughty with each other right there on the grass, in full view of everyone else!

Bartleby's slack-jawed gape was interrupted by an absolutely ear-shattering, "MISTER FLETCH!!!" He jumped at least a foot straight up. Everyone else chortled heartily with paws clapped to their mouths.

The teacher was eyeing him like a cobra. "You are not paying attention, young man! And what's worse, you showed up late to class!" She shook her head and 'tsk tsk'ed. "I'm afraid you must be punished immediately. Come over here right now!"

A bundle of nerves and red cheeks, Bartleby shakily approached the front of the room. He had absolutely no idea what this sex-bomb dominatrix mousewoman was going to do to him, but he didn't think it would be very nice. He realized all the other students were watching him eagerly with the gleeful smiles of someone who knows they're about to witness someone else getting torn a new one.

When Bartleby was within a foot of the mouse, he looked up. He realized she was a heck of a lot taller than he'd expected.

"Now, Mister Fletch, I can tell just by looking at you that you are a very naughty little boy," she said primly.

Bartleby whimpered. "Um, I'm not really. At least, I try not to be..."

Seeing that he was rather frightened of her, the teacher cocked her head at him, then gave him a very obvious wink.

What did that mean? Was she only teasing him? Bartleby didn't think it was possible to be this confused in a single day.

"Young man, before I punish you, I would like you to turn around and introduce yourself to the rest of the class."

The little bat nodded. Shyly, he turned around and gave a little wave. "Um, hi. I'm Bartleby. I'm new here."

Lots of muffled giggles. Apparently, that was an understatement.

"Good. And you will address me as Mrs. Schaddenfreude," the sexy mouselady told him, smiling and extending her paw for a shake.

A little surprised by how friendly she sounded now, Bartleby turned back around and shook her paw. "Uh... Nice to meet you?"

"Likewise, young bat. But all pleasantries aside, it is time for your punishment." She reached behind her desk and wheeled out her plush, black leather office chair. Positioning it where all the class could see, she sat down and patted her lap. "Over my knee now, Bartleby," she commanded softly.

"You're gonna spank me!?" he yelped in dismay.

"I should think that would be obvious," she said with a sly smile. "Up on my lap, little one."

Cheeks burning, Bartleby reluctantly laid himself down across his new teacher's lap. The other kids were doing nothing to hide their laughter and it made his ears burn. Add in the fact that he was naked, on a sexy grown-up's lap (even if he did prefer guys, Mrs. Schaddenfreude was like, 'Instant Erection - Just Add Eyeballs'), and it was probably one of the top ten most embarrassing moments of poor Bartleby's short life.

"Now, young man, I will teach you to pay attention in my class!" Mrs. Schaddenfreude said sternly. "You're getting a good, hard spanking, you bad bat!"

She raised her flattened paw dramatically in the air.

The rest of the class leaned over their desks in anticipation.

Bartleby cringed.

And...

*swat*

Bartleby blinked. That was it?

*Swat*

A little harder this time, but still it had been more of a pat than a spank. He looked up at Mrs. Schaddenfreude questioningly.

"I'm sorry if I scared you a bit at first," she whispered to him with a naughty twinkle in her eye. "I'm only playing, sweetie," she reassured. This time her voice was nothing but gentle and playful. She gave him a little skritch at his tailbase.

Bartleby grinned too. He chuckled and finally let himself relax. So it *was* all in fun!

*SWAT!*

"Oh!" That had been a lot harder than the last one! But surprisingly, it hadn't actually hurt at all! It certainly tingled, but the sensation was nothing but pleasant for the young bat.

*SMMACK!!*

"Yipe!" Harder still, but it felt even better!

"Hard enough, little one?" Mrs Schaddenfreude asked sweetly, and Bartleby felt like kicking himself for not noticing the playful undertone her voice had always held. "You've been quite naughty. Do you think you deserve more?"

"Oh yes!" Bartleby readily agreed. Now that he knew he wasn't in any real trouble and that his new teacher was only pretending to be strict, he was more than happy to play along.

*SMACK!*

"There we go! A good spanking for a bad little boy!" Mrs. Schaddenfreude said gleefully.

"Mmmm! Yeah, I've been really bad!" Bartleby agreed with a giggle.

*SMACK!* *SMACK!* *SMACK!*

Bartleby cooed in excited pleasure! He was sure his butt must have been turning pink by now!

That talented paw came down again and again, having had years of experience at tenderizing young children's rumps. Irweena Schaddenfreude was spanking her new pupil with all her strength, knowing well Satan's Law Of Suffering. All her students were very good little boys and girls at heart, so they'd only feel pleasure from her punishments. No pain at all. She wouldn't have had it any other way. She loved all her students dearly, and loved even more being able to make them happy. Especially in naughty ways!

Bartleby wriggled on his new teacher's lap. Her surprisingly strong paw held him firmly but lovingly in place. His eyes were shut tight in pleasure. It felt like his butt was on fire! He'd never been spanked this hard in his whole life before, and he was loving every second of it!

In fact, he was loving it just a bit too much. 'Little Bartleby' was having so much fun, he decided to poke his pink head out from his sheath and take a look around.

Mrs. Schaddenfreude noticed the warm little thing poking into her lap and shivered delightfully. "Oh my! You *are* a naughty boy, aren't you?" she cried.

Embarrassed, but still highly aroused, Bartleby could only hope she didn't mind too much. She certainly sounded like she was as excited about it as him.

The horny teacher scooped Bartleby up by his armpits and sat him down on her desk. He gulped hard when he realized the whole class could see his erection now!

Mrs. Schaddenfreude started rustling around in her desk drawer for something. "What a naughty, naughty boy! We'll just have to do something about this problem immediately!" She apparently found what she was looking for. "Aha!" She held up a small black box with a red button on top.

All the boys in the class displayed immediate reactions, though all quite diverse. The girls all giggled wickedly.

Mrs. Schaddenfreude came back around her desk and handed the small device to Bartleby. "Here you go."

"Um, what do I do with it?" he asked.

"Just put your sausage 'n eggs in the padded rubber hole here, see?" she helpfully instructed.

Bartleby chuckled at hearing his genitals referred to as breakfast foods. He obligingly slipped his young erection into the box and tucked his balls in too. He wasn't sure what this thing was going to do to him, but he was certain it would be interesting.

"Now just push the red button there," she told him. She licked her lips in anticipation.

"Okay, what's it gonn-"

BEEP

A surge of warm, sharp pleasure instantly flooded Bartleby's groin when he pressed the button. He came like a jackhammer and nearly fell off the desk.

A second later, a small hatch opened up on the bottom of the device, and Bartleby's neatly severed cock and balls dropped out.

The whole class slapped paws over their muzzles and giggled like mad.

Bartleby froze in shock. It hadn't...! It didn't...! He looked down and saw his boyhood lying there on the desk, all in one piece; his snipped penis and testicles held together by the fur of his sheath and scrotum. "Holy fuck!"

"Tut tut, little one. Watch your language!" Mrs. Schaddenfreude scolded lightly. "I'll let you off with a warning this time, but next time I may have to chop off your muzzle!"

And she'd probably do it too! Still stunned, Bartleby stepped down off the desk and picked up his poor, lonely little boybits. To his surprise, they were still warm and they still registered his touch, just as if they'd still been attached! He inspected them more carefully and noticed that they'd been sliced off by an impossibly smooth cut. He looked down and saw just a patch of pink, furless skin between his legs. Like an action figure!

The whole situation had such a cartoonish quality to it, Bartleby realized he really wasn't all that scared. It didn't feel like this was permanent. And Razielphustar _had_ told him he was indestructible now...

"Back to your desk, little Bartleby," Mrs. Schaddenfreude coaxed with a soft paw on his shoulder. "The rest of you, we shall continue on with our pop quiz. Remember; no talking, no cheating, no chewing gum, no passing notes and no looking around. No fidgeting, whistling, humming, blinking or breathing. Or you will also be punished!" She barely hid a merry laugh at the end of that.

Bartleby walked back to his desk in a daze, holding his sausage 'n eggs in his winghands. He had to admit, having them separated from him like this did feel kinda interesting. He sat down and put his boybits on the desk in front of him. His cock apparently hadn't minded getting chopped off, because it was already starting to get hard again!

He glanced down and noticed there were two pieces of paper on his desk.

One of them looked like a standard photocopied test sheet, but only at first. When Bartleby actually tried to read it, he furrowed his brow in confusion. "What the heck?" he muttered under his breath.

	(1) Blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

	a) Blah
	b) Blah
	c) Blah Blah
	d) Blah

Bartleby just stared at the 'test', so confused by it that he almost forgot about his malelessness for a moment. What could the point of this possibly be?

The other piece of paper was a note, presumably put there by the kid sitting next to him. It read simply: 'Lucky!'

Bartleby looked up, and a handsome red fox boy was grinning back at him.

'What do you mean, lucky? I just got my dick chopped off!' he wrote on the note. He slipped it back to the fox when Mrs. Schaddenfreude's attention was diverted elsewhere.

A moment later, the note fluttered back onto his desk again. 'Duh! Doesn't it feel cool? I love when she cuts mine off!'

That was unexpected. Eyebrow raised, Bartleby dashed off a reply. 'Okay, yeah, it sorta does feel good. But how do I put it back on?'

The scribble of a pencil, then 'You just got here today, didn't you? Just stick it back on, stoopid!'

Bartleby glanced up at the foxboy again. His new classmate chuckled good-naturedly at him. Shrugging, he picked up his cock and balls and touched them to where they'd been cut off. Instantly, he moaned. A hot, fluid sensation overcame them and they joined back to his body within seconds.

When he looked up again, there was a new note on his desk. 'Felt good, huh?' and a smiley face.

Bartleby gave his new friend an emphatic nod!

The young fox started scratching out another note.

"MISTER OAKLEY!!!" Mrs. Schaddenfreude exploded. "Are you passing notes during a test? You bad little fox! You march that bushy tail of yours up to my desk right now!" she ordered melodramatically.

The foxboy got up, his tail wagging, a *huge* smile on his face. "Oh boy, my turn!" he whispered to Bartleby.

This time, it was Bartleby who got to watch as a fellow student received their punishment. He wondered if his new friend would get spanked too, or if Mrs. Schaddenfreude had something more creative in mind this time.

As it turned out, she did. The little foxboy stood proudly in front of the teacher's desk, eagerly awaiting his penalty. Bartleby noticed that the boy was just a bit pudgy around the tummy, but it looked really cute on him. He wondered if maybe his new friend liked other boys too...

Mrs. Schaddenfreude fished around in her purse for a second, then pulled out a small, green object that Bartleby eventually realized was an actual, live hand grenade! She pulled the pin, then instantly stuffed the grenade in the fox boy's mouth. He swallowed with a smile on his face. Mrs. Schaddenfreude ducked behind her desk, peeking over the top with her fingers in her ears.

KABOOOOM!!!

Pieces of fox went everywhere! When Bartleby looked again, there was just a pair of little brown feet standing by the desk. His new friend had been completely vaporized! The whole class was 'eew!'ing and laughing and flicking bits of red fur off of themselves.

Before Bartleby could think too hard about the fact that he'd just apparently witnessed a murder, the little splatters and shreds of his classmate all sprang towards the center of the room like elastic, colliding in a big wet red lump, then swiftly forming back into one slightly-dizzy but obviously very happy young foxboy.

"Have you learned your lesson, Xander?" Mrs. Schaddenfreude asked sweetly.

The little fox nodded. "Yeah! I'll be sure to pass a lot more notes now!"

She grinned and patted him on the head. "Oh, you're just incorrigible!" she chided. She gave him a soft swat on his bottom as he walked back to his desk.

Bartleby stared, goggle-eyed, at Xander. "What the fudge!?" he whispered.

The fox chuckled. He held up a single finger for Bartleby to be patient, then finished up the note he'd been about to write before he'd been so pleasantly interrupted.

Just as he slipped it into Bartleby's wing, a paper airplane went sailing gracefully overhead. Mrs. Schaddenfreude easily identified the culprit and ordered an exuberant young ferretgirl up to her desk.

Bartleby read the note, punctuated in the background by the cutest little "Ooch!"es and "Ouch!"es as the ferret girl was soundly thrashed with a cane on her bare bottom. Both she and her teacher were enjoying themselves immensely.

The note read: 'Mrs. S. punishes us all the time! It's the best part of the day! Don't worry, it never hurts and it's always fun. It's just like in a cartoon! My name's Xander. You're Bartleby, right? You kinda mumbled up there. P.S. That was cool seeing your stuff sitting on the desk like that!' It was signed this time with a stick figure of a bat boy holding a loop and two circles in his hand, with little surprise lines coming out of his head and his featureless crotch.

Bartleby bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing too hard. He noticed the ferret girl heading back to her seat with her paws on her tush, cheeks flushed, and looking *very* satisfied. There was obvious moisture running down her legs from where she had cum several times. And there was a broken cane on the floor by Mrs. Schaddenfreude's desk.

Bartleby turned the note over and wrote out a reply. Meanwhile, another girl was being called up to the teacher's desk and Mrs. Schaddenfreude was wheeling out a guillotine from the closet. 'Hi Xander! Yes, I'm Bartleby, and I just died today. Actually, it was last night, I think. I've kinda lost track of time so far. Whatever. I have no idea what's going on, so if you could help me out, I'd really appreciate it. P.S. Are you gay too? I am. I don't mean to offend you if you're not.' At the bottom, he drew a smiling fox stick figure being blown to bits.

The girl carried her happily grinning head back to her desk, and Xander let out a quick guffaw when he saw Bartleby's drawing. As he wrote out his response on a new sheet of paper, two more students were caught misbehaving. One kneeled before Mrs. Schaddenfreude and had his head sliced off with a single stroke of an amazingly sharp samurai sword. The other boy stepped into a small, telephone-booth-like box and was immediately flattened by a huge metal press. A thick red paste oozed out of the box and shivered back into the form of a giggling young beaver.

Bartleby noticed the doodle on Xander's latest note immediately. His heart leapt. It was two stick-boys sitting at their desks, smiling at each other with tiny cartoon hearts coming out of their heads! He read the note eagerly: 'Sure I'm gay too! Actually, I'm bi, since I'll yiff anyone I really like. And I think you're really cute too! I haven't seen many bats before. I like your nose thing! And yeah, I'd be happy to show you around. Class'll be over soon and you can walk home with me. Do you have your own room yet?'

And so, Bartleby and Xander began a delightful little silent conversation. Bartleby found himself liking the little fox more and more with every note. He explained that his 'nose thing' was called a noseleaf, that most bats had something like one, and that it helped him echolocate. He said he'd love to walk home with Xander, and that, yes, he did have his own room. He also asked his new friend if he'd ever met a demon named Razielphustar. Xander wrote back that the whole concept of echolocation sounded really cool, that he'd love to see Bartleby's room someday and compare toys, and that not only had Razielphustar welcomed him to Hell too, but that the Hellguardian gave excellent blowjobs!

That last little tidbit really made Bartleby's eyes get wide. Razielphustar liked getting yiffy with cubs? Wow! He'd have to ask him about that later. Maybe they could even... The little bat blushed just thinking about it.

While the two new friends corresponded, nearly every single student in the class ended up getting punished for something or other. As Xander explained, school was almost over for the day and Mrs. Schaddenfreude had passed out a fake test just so everyone could misbehave and have fun getting caught and disciplined during it.

Bartleby's sexy new teacher had an incredible imagination for punishments. Everyone who came up to her desk walked away with a happy smile, even if they were in bits and pieces as they left. Bartleby saw one kid get drawn and quartered, another getting exploded in a giant microwave, another having a humongous anvil dropped on them, another being shrunk to the size of a bug and stomped flat by Mrs. Schaddenfreude's shiny black boots, and dozens of other scenarios, all too outrageous and funny to really be frightening.

He even saw Mrs. Schaddenfreude pee all over two of her students, and turn around and use another one's mouth for a toilet! That was a bit alarming, since he'd never really considered bathroom activities to be yiffy before. But all three kids looked totally happy with their messy play. Bartleby decided that, in the interest of fairness, he wouldn't judge such proclivities. Even if they seemed yucky to him, it made those other kids happy. Razielphustar had said that no one down here would look down on him for the things that he enjoyed, so Bartleby thought it was only fair to treat others the same way. And who knew; maybe he'd even end up trying pee or poo play someday and liking it.

On the whole though, it seemed that spankings and beheadings were by far the favorite punishments of both teacher and students. At least a dozen heads rolled and innumerable butts were turned bright pink. The whole time, Mrs. Schaddenfreude kept up her blatantly transparent act of the vengeful schoolmarm. Nothing could have been further than the truth. That playful smile never vanished from her face, and several times Bartleby saw her leaning in close to whisper nice things to her beloved little pupils before disciplining them.

Having seen enough by now to know that there was nothing to be afraid of, Bartleby decided to join in on the fun too. No matter how gruesome Mrs. Schaddenfreude's punishments were, all the other kids looked like they were having a blast. Xander had certainly enjoyed being exploded! And now that he'd had time to deal with it better, Bartleby had to admit that having his package removed had indeed felt pretty cool.

Not sure exactly what the best way to break a rule would be, Bartleby decided to forego subtlety. He stood right up on his chair and started producing musical armpit farts. His boldness gained an appreciative response from his classmates.

Mrs. Schaddenfreude did the best job she could at looking shocked and outraged by Bartleby's scandalous behavior, when in reality she could barely keep from laughing like everyone else. "Mister Fletch! What a horrid little boy you are! Get down from there and come here this instant!"

Grinning, Bartleby bounded up to the front of the room. With a broad smile, Mrs. Schaddenfreude led him behind her desk and started trying to decide which of her many disciplinary implements to use on the boy.

"Do you think I could try the guillotine?" Bartleby whispered to her.

She bent down and nuzzled noses with him. "Of course, sweetheart! Everyone likes the guillotine!" She went to her bottomless closet and fetched it swiftly. She wheeled it out in front of her desk and motioned for Bartleby to kneel on the small padded area in back. "I'm glad to see you volunteering, Bartleby. There's nothing at all to be afraid of. It won't hurt."

"I know," he whispered. "Everyone else is having fun, so why not?"

She patted him tenderly on his little tush. "Good boy. Now just stick your head through the hole here. It's called a 'lunette'."

Bartleby did as he was told. "I did not know that," he noted.

She chuckled. "Well, I *am* a teacher, after all. I should hope you'd learn something from me on occasion," she said with a swish of her mousey tail. "Now, are you ready to be disciplined, you bad boy?" she said loudly in her 'mean teacher' voice.

"Yeah!" Bartleby agreed. He gripped the sides of the guillotine's frame, trembling in anticipation, his little cock stiff as stone once again. "Punish me!"

"Your wish is my command!" Mrs. Schaddenfreude said as she pulled the release rope.

Zwissssh!

*THUNK*!!

The blade was so sharp, Bartleby barely even felt it. There was no blood, no pain at all, just a sudden dizzy sensation as his vision did three full somersaults and his head landed upside down on a soft little velvet pillow below him.

To the little bat's surprise, that had been even more fun than he'd imagined! And being able to feel the breeze of air across both halves of his split neck felt really, really nifty.

"Take your head and take your seat, Mister Fletch," Mrs. Schaddenfreude said crisply. "And stay a few moments after the bell rings. We have things to discuss..." she added ominously.

Bartleby had never had to direct his body while he wasn't attached to it before, so it was understandable when he walked into the teacher's desk and bonked his boner before finally getting himself turned around the right way and managing to scoop up his head in his wings.

Once he got back to his desk, there was another note from Xander waiting for him. He held his head up to read it: 'That was awesome!!!'

		***

Twelve minutes (and oodles more punishments) later, the bell did ring. The other students flooded out of the room, many of them pausing by Mrs. Schaddenfreude's desk to give their teacher a kiss or a hug, or to ask for one more quick spanking.

Bartleby, having long since screwed his head back on like a lightbulb, tapped Xander on the shoulder. "Wait for me outside, okay? Mrs. Schaddenfreude wants to talk to me for a minute."

The foxboy nodded. "Okay, Bartleby." He stepped closer and scored a quick smooch on his new bat friend's cheek. "See ya in a bit!" he said with a twinkle in his eye.

Bartleby blushed and touched his cheek. "Wow..." His first kiss from another boy! Sure Razielphustar had kissed him earlier, and Chuck had given him one or two pecks on the forehead before, but this was different. This had been his first *romantic* kiss from another boy!

And it had happened so casually, too! At his old school, if he'd kissed another guy, he'd have been pounced on by bullies immediately and beaten up for being a 'queer'. But even though there had been plenty of other kids around, none of them had even batted an eye. As if such things happened all the time here.

Bartleby chuckled softly. The irony was pretty staggering. Hell was a nicer, more tolerant place than Earth had been!

When all the other students were gone, Bartleby approached his new teacher's desk.

Mrs. Schaddenfreude swiveled her chair around to face him. "How do you like my class so far, Bartleby?"

"I like it a lot!" he said sincerely.

She giggled and ruffled his headfur. "I'm very glad to hear that!"

He wiggled a bit, enjoying the affectionate gesture. "So, um, is this like regular school? Do I hafta come in every day?" he asked.

"Well, no. You don't *have* to come in," she told him. "No one will force you to. If you need to take a day off, that's alright. Though you may get an extra spanking when you come in the next day," she added. They shared a laugh.

She cupped his cheek and ran her fingers through the soft boyfur. "But I would like it if you chose to stay in my class. It's not at all like your old school must have been, I promise. I do my very best to make sure you little ones *want* to come in. I try not to teach any boring stuff. There's no tests, no report cards, no algebra. No pressure. You're not here to be stuffed into a mold. You're here because you like being here. If you choose to stay, it's because you enjoy learning."

He was rather pleased to hear that. All the best parts of school with none of the drudgery! Cool!

"We do lots of hands-on activities in class. Lots of open discussions. We read lots of books together. And we go on field trips all the time! Just last week we all went out to this gorgeous little swamp and we all sank in quicksand together! If you've never tried quicksand, you really should. It feels wonderful! Cool and thick and oh so messy!" she gushed, obviously thinking naughty thoughts.

"I'll, um, keep that in mind," Bartleby said.

Mrs. S. pulled her chair closer, and her smile became softly seductive. "And in case you were wondering..." She reached down and, light as a feather, cupped Bartleby's boybits in her palm. "We also enjoy plenty of yiffy time. Yiffing is considered completely innocent down here. Everyone is free to make love to anyone they choose. Whatever you feel like participating in is alright, as well as saying no to anything you choose not to take part in. No one here will ever force you to do anything you don't like."

Bashfully, Bartleby nodded. He could feel the heat of her paw on his cock. His cheeks burned. So sensual...

"That goes for my punishments, too. As you may have guessed, I love disciplining naughty young furs," she said with a giggle. "But if you ever get scared, or aren't in the mood, just tell me. I'll always stop right away. I promise." She gave the boy's package a gentle, playful squeeze. "Okay, sweetheart?"

"Yes, Mrs. Schaddenfreude," Bartleby said, grinning ear to ear.

The pretty mouse slipped out of her chair and gave her newest student a loving hug. "I think we're both going to enjoy spending more time together, Bartleby. I can tell you're really a very good little boy..."

Hearing those sincere, caring words felt even better than having her touch his boybits. Bartleby hugged her back and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"...You'll have to be sure to work on that," she kiddingly added. "I much prefer teaching naughty students!" She giggled and nuzzled noses with him again.

Bartleby smiled. "I'll do my best!"

She stood up and ran a paw along Bartleby's left ear. "Alright then. Better go now. Best not to keep Xander waiting. I think you two will make fine friends. And ask him to give you some tips! He's one of the most mischievous boys in my class!"

"Okay, Mrs. Schaddenfreude. I'll be here again tomorrow, I promise!" he assured her. Just before he was about to leave, he got another idea. He turned and bent way over, exposing his round little rump. "One more for the road?" he asked, and wagged his little thin tail.

She giggled in delight. "Of course!"

A hearty swat on his bottom sent Bartleby off on his way.


	*   *   *   *   *


-CHAPTER FIVE-

Xander was right outside the door waiting for him, chatting with a pretty hyena girl in a yellow dress whom Bartleby had seen sitting on the other side of the room. If he remembered correctly, she'd had her head chopped off too, and had been one of the two students to enjoy a golden shower from Mrs. Schaddenfreude.

"Hi!" the plump little fox said as Bartleby walked over.

"Hi!" The two boys exchanged high fives.

"This is Lexi," Xander introduced.

The cute little hyena put out her paw. Her fur was sandy brown over most of her body, with cute black spots all over and a slightly creamier-colored tummy. Her muzzle was dark brown, as if she had dipped it in chocolate syrup. "Hello, Bartleby! I loved seeing you get your boy parts chopped off!" she said brightly.

Bartleby shook her paw and blushed just a bit. "Uh, thanks?"

"She lives pretty close to me, so we usually walk home together," Xander said. "Come on, the portal's not too far."

Bartleby and Lexi fell in behind him. They were in a perfectly normal-looking school hallway with a few scattered students still hanging around after most of the others had already left for home. As they turned a corner, Bartleby was shocked for a moment to see a male coyote teacher holding his young female feline student up against a wall and humping her ferociously!

"Hi Amanda!" Lexi called out pleasantly.

The little lioness being yiffed managed a weak wave. "Hi Lexi!" she panted, then let out a long meow of pleasure.

"Awww, yeah! You like that, cutiepie?" her teacher asked, and gave her an extra-hard thrust.

"*purrrrrrrrr*!"

Lexi noticed Bartleby's stunned expression. She giggled and punched him lightly on the arm. "Don't be such a stuck-up ol' poop!"

"Hey! I'm not stuck up, I'm just new, okay?" Bartleby contended. "I've never seen anything like that before."

"Okay, you're right. Sorry," said Lexi. She held her fist up to his arm, then jerked it away; taking the punch back.

"Doesn't it look fun though?" Xander asked cheekily. "Mr. Romeo's screwed me a few times too! He's got a huge one!"

Lexi giggled. "Mrs. Schaddenfreude's got a strap-on that's even bigger!"

Bartleby could barely believe they were talking so casually about a subject that, back in his old life, had sent countless grown-ups to prison, and was thought to scar young cubs' fragile minds irrevocably. "Sorry if I'm still a little freaked out," he told his new friends. "It's just that so much stuff is happening to me all at once!"

"I know. It was kinda mind-blowing at first for me too," Xander said reassuringly. "But you get used to it quick. The basic rule down here is 'everything's okay'."

"As long as you're not hurting anyone else," Bartleby added, nodding.

"Right!" He bumped playfully into Bartleby, rubbing their shoulder fur together. "So, did you ever do any yiffy stuff before you died?"

They came to the end of the hallway then and Xander held the front door open for his two friends. "I..." Bartleby had to pause in his answer to just make sense out of what he was seeing beyond the door.

It was like several dozen worlds all haphazardly squished together. Every few acres, the landscape would change into something completely different. Most of it looked like a regular city, but in wildly different styles; old-timey, modern, retro, futuristic, etc.. In some places it was outdoors. Some areas had sunny day skies overhead, and some had dark night skies. In other places it looked a bit more like the traditional concept of Hell; a big cavernous underground area with stalactites hanging from the cave ceiling. Trying to put it all together visually was like watching a 3-D movie with no glasses.

The three cubs walked down the school steps and crossed the street, sometimes walking on a normal concrete sidewalk, sometimes grass, and sometimes red sand.

When Bartleby could finally concentrate enough to speak again, he remembered what he'd just been asked. "Um, uh, yeah. Well, sorta. I used to, you know, play with myself a lot. And I had fantasies about other people sometimes. But I never really did anything."

"Like who?" Lexi asked. "I used to have this *huge* crush on my dentist. I was *this close* to asking him if we could yiff when I went in for my next checkup."

"I always thought that guy on TV who does the battery commercials was a hunk," Xander confessed.

Bartleby bit his lip. "Well, actually, I'd always kinda hoped me and my brother Chuck could've done something together. We were really close. We hugged a lot. I thought it'd be cool if maybe we could have..." He trailed off quietly, then stopped in his tracks.

Xander and Lexi stopped too. "Hey, what's wrong?" the pudgy fox asked.

"Nothin'..." Bartleby said. "It's just..."

Lexi came over and put her paw on his shoulder. "You're starting to miss your family, huh?" she asked softly.

Bartleby nodded.

"I know what that's like," she told him. "I got sick and I was in the hospital for a long time. My mom and dad came to see me every day. When I died and came here, and we couldn't be together anymore, it was almost like they'd died instead of me."

Bartleby 'hmm'ed sadly. "Yeah, that *is* what it feels like," he realized.

"I guess I got lucky; me and my mom and dad, we all died together," Xander added. "But I do still miss all my old friends. How did you die, Bartleby?"

"I got hit by a car," he said. He decided, just for now, not to mention who'd been behind the wheel.

Xander and Lexi both hugged him. "It'll be okay," the hyenagirl comforted. "Good stuff happens too. I got to see my gramma again. I live with her now. And I know it's just a matter of time before mom and dad show up too."

"I know. I just wish there was some way I could have said goodbye to them," Bartleby told her softly. The faces of his family flashed in his mind. Chuck. Mandy. Tricia. Mom. His grandparents. Even his dad, who he still loved somehow, even after what had happened. He pictured all his friends from his old school. His teacher. His friend Sammy from down the street... How long would it be until he'd get to see any of them again? Would he even recognize some of them after so long?

"Hey, you wanna come back to my place?" Xander offered, hoping to cheer his new friend up a bit. "My mom and dad'll probly be there. Are you hungry? We could have some lunch."

Bartleby managed a little smile at the offer. Even if he would miss his family and his old friends, at least he knew he'd soon make lots of new friends to make the wait more pleasant. "Okay. Sounds good. Thanks."

Xander reached down to give Bartleby's winghand a squeeze. "It's tough being new. I understand. But Hell really is a cool place. There's all sorts of stuff to do here."

"Yeah!" Lexi agreed. "And sometimes weird stuff'll just happen to you out of nowhere!"

Perfectly on cue, a gigantic python sprang from the branches of a tree overhead and ensnared the little hyena in the blink of an eye.

Bartleby jumped backwards a few feet. "Shitballs!" he shrieked.

Xander didn't seem a bit phased. "Oh, cool!" he said.

Lexi didn't seem to mind either. She giggled as the huge snake coiled himself around her and began to squeeze. "OoooOOooh!" she squeaked.

"Why was there a python hiding in that tree!?" Bartleby asked. At least this sudden strangeness had helped distract him from his momentary bit of melancholy.

"Oh, there's a great big zoo a few blocks away," Xander explained. "All sortsa nonev animals. They escape like crazy, and most of 'em go around eatin' people. I got mauled by a tiger once!" he said proudly.

"And it feels really nice!" said Lexi. "Snakes are cool!"

The python gave her a few more hugs before twisting himself around to take the little girl's succulent toes into his mouth. He'd learned long ago, from all the tasty little children leaping willingly into his enclosure at the zoo, that it was much more fun to swallow his prey feet-first so they could wiggle around longer and he could listen to their cute, happy cries.

"I guess I'm snakefood now," said Lexi. "Tell my gramma I'm gonna be late getting home if you see her," she asked Xander.

The foxboy saluted smartly. "Will do."

Bartleby squatted down, watching the snake's powerful, muscled body as it constricted his classmate. "That really feels good?" he asked incredulously.

"Sure!" Lexi replied without hesitation. "It's like being pulled into a really wet, hot sleeping bag. Niiiice and sloooow! And once you're inside, the stomach acids tingle all over until you get digested and come out as poop. Then you can just wish yourself back to being fur again and be on your way," she explained.

The snake was now finishing off her calves. Bartleby looked down and noticed a prominent tent in the girl's dress! "What the-!?"

She laughed out loud. "Don't you know girl hyenas got penises too?"

"No, I didn't," said Bartleby.

"And it works, too!" Xander said with a wink, hinting that he'd been on the receiving end of it a few times.

"It's actually more like a really big clit," Lexi explained. "But at least I can pee standing up like you guys."

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me," Bartleby said. "I noticed you let Mrs. Schaddenfreude pee on you today."

"Yeah, so?" she snorted, assuming he was about to criticize her for her choice in pleasures.

Bartleby held up his palms. "Hey, hey, it's okay! Yeah, I thought it was kinda gross, but I'm curious too. What's it like?"

She was glad to see he was being open minded about it (and even gladder that her snake friend was now munching on her tender thighs!). "Oh, I love it! Pee is really fun. It's hot and wet and it tastes good too! It actually doesn't feel a lot different from getting splashed with a squirt gun, except it's nice and warm. And it's even better when it comes from someone you love. It's like they're giving you a gift from their body."

Bartleby nibbled his thumbclaw thoughtfully. He made a little 'I hadn't thought about it like that' sound. Put that way, it didn't sound quite so bad anymore. Maybe he *would* try a pee experiment in the future.

Lexi moaned happily and squirmed as the hungry python came closer to her crotch. Her femboner quivered in anticipation of being pulled into that hot, moist mouth. She absolutely loved getting eaten! She managed to shake off her bliss just long enough to tell her two schoolmates, "It's okay if you leave before I'm all the way inside. I know your mom's probly waiting on you, Xander."

The foxboy nodded. "Yeah. I would like to watch you go all the way in though. You're cute when you're prey!"

She giggled at the compliment. "Thanks! You too!" She looked up at Bartleby. "Will you be in class tomorrow?"

"Oh, definitely!" he assured.

"Great! Mrs. Schaddenfreude's class isn't just us gettin' punished all the time. She's really a cool teacher!"

"I know!" he said happily.

"A kiss before you go?" Lexi asked her two friends flirtatiously.

"Sure!" Xander and Bartleby were happy to oblige. They squatted down beside her and kissed both of her cheeks at once.

Lexi was in paradise! Two cute boys kissing her and... "OOOH!" ...the snake finally got her naughtybits into his mouth! Wow, did that ever feel great!!

Xander chuckled at seeing his friend so happy. He stood back up. "Okay, Lexi. See you tomorrow. Have fun! Be nutritious!"

"Bye! Have fun!" Bartleby said too.

She chuckled and squirmed about happily. "Bye! And be sure to try out a big snake too, Bartleby! You won't regret it!"

The two boys left their friend to be devoured by the hungry python, still hearing her lusty barks and squeals all the way down the block.

"Just how often do people get eaten by other animals down here?" Bartleby asked.

"Oh, constantly!" Xander said. "It's the best! Lexi's right about snakes. Nice and slow! It takes forever, and you're loving every second! I go up to the zoo all the time. There's no bars or glass between you and the nonevs. You can jump right in and play with them. The otters are a lot of fun to swim with. Everyone loves the reptile house; crocs are really good at eating cubs too. I had an elephant wrap me in his trunk and swallow me once. And hippos! They open those big, huge mouths and you can just dive right in!"

Bartleby had to admit, that did sound fun! "And none of it hurts? I mean, I know it doesn't, but I'm still getting used to the idea."

"_Nothing_ hurts," Xander assured. "Nothing, nothing, nothing! I could hook up your nuts to a car battery and you'd cum like a volcano. And at the zoo, you can do yiffy stuff with the animals too. Ever had a horse screw you in the butt?" he asked slyly.

"You're kidding!" Bartleby burst out in astonishment.

"No way! You can actually feel it squishing your guts up like spaghetti sauce! And you'll drip cum outta your butt for an hour! It's awesome!"

Bartleby tried to even imagine that and couldn't. Slowly but surely however, he was really getting used to the idea that he, and everyone else in hell, really was invulnerable to everything imaginable. "Y'know, the Devil did tell me the naughty level was sort of like an amusement park. I can see what he means!"

Xander gaped at him, awestruck. "You just died yesterday, and you've met the Devil *already*!?" he shouted in disbelief.

"Uh, yeah. Razielphustar took me to see him. I always thought he'd be evil and scary 'n stuff, but he was really nice to me!"

"Oh, I know! I've met him too, but that was weeks after I died! You're so lucky!"

Bartleby felt an odd bit of pride. "Mm hmm. He took my heart out. It felt pretty good. Kinda yiffy, even."

Xander jumped up and down and pulled on his ears. "Oh MAN!! He took your heart _personally_!? I'm gonna kick Razielphustar's ass!" He playfully shoved Bartleby. "You lucky, lucky bastard!"

The young bat chuckled. "Well, I didn't even know I was lucky until you told me," he said consolingly.

"Yeah, okay." He gave his friend a one-armed hug. "We're still pals. Besides, I'll bet Satan didn't fuck you, huh?"

Bartleby's eyebrows shot up. "No!"

It was Xander's turn to smile proudly. "Yup! After he gives up on his work for the night, he relaxes by having these huge orgies where he yiffs everyfur in sight for hours! And his thing's so big, he splits you right in half when he cums! He did my mom, my dad and me all in the same night. It was great! When we got ourselves put back together, we all yiffed everyone else and had a total blast!"

"Wow!" Bartleby exclaimed. It seemed they _really_ had a relaxed attitude about sex down here!

"At the end of the night, everyone curled up together on his huge bed and went to sleep. I got to lie down right next to him with a bunch of other kids, and he petted our fur and told us how cute we were. I think he likes being yiffy with kids even more than grown-ups."

Thinking about that massive, fascinating body, and being able to cuddle up to it, Bartleby shivered in pleasure. He wondered how one went about getting into one of these orgies. "I saw him while he was doin' paperwork," he told Xander. "He seemed really sad, actually. But I did manage to make him laugh. And he gave me a donut."

"That's cool. He's a really nice guy. He came to school last December and passed out just a *shitload* of free toys to everyone!"

Bartleby grinned at the mental image of Lucifer in a santa hat.

"And I know what you mean about him seeming sad," Xander added quietly. "I think it still hurts him that God turned all mean on him like that. From what I've heard, he and God used to be really close friends before it happened, so it was like a knife in the heart, y'know?"

Bartleby nodded. "That makes sense. I used to be friends with a kid at my old school who betrayed me. We'd been friends for, like, three years, and then all of a sudden he went and started hanging around with some other popular kids. The last time he saw me, he pushed me down in the lunchroom and his friends all laughed. It hurt a lot more than if he'd just been some guy I didn't know."

Xander sighed. "I'm sorry to hear that. I wouldn't do something like that, I promise."

Bartleby put his arm around his new friend. "Aw, I know."

		***

They talked a bit more as they walked along the wildly shifting street, until they came up to a small-town-styled butcher shop. "Hold up a second, Bartleby. I just wanna check on something," Xander said.

Curious, the little bat followed his friend over to the butcher shop's display window. There, he was more than a little shocked to see half a dozen cubs in various states of dismemberment! Upon closer inspection though, none of them seemed the least bit concerned. In fact, most of them seemed rather proud to be on display.

"Jeff!" Xander shouted happily. "I was wondering why you weren't in class yesterday and today!"

Bartleby looked to see that Xander was talking to a plate of innards, two arms, a leg, parts of a torso, and the head of a brightly smiling young chipmunk boy.

"Yeah, Dad left to take a trip down to the Jerks level yesterday and he thought it'd be simpler to just let me be food for a few days," Jeff said, shouting a bit to be heard through the glass.

"You can go to other levels?" Bartleby wondered out loud.

"Yeah," Xander explained, "if you're from a higher level, you can get a pass to go down to any of the lower ones to visit someone you care about. Or to just take a tour if you're curious. My Uncle Pete, my dad's brother, got himself stuck in the Dickheads level. Dad goes to visit him every few months or so. He says Uncle Pete's paid for most of his sins by now, and they might let him move up a level this year."

"That's good." And it made sense, too. Bartleby had been wondering about that aspect of the whole Seven Level system. Satan had struck him as someone who'd care more about redeeming souls than just simply letting them suffer and rot away.

"New kid?" Jeff asked.

"Uh huh. Just died yesterday."

The little chipmunk's severed arm waved at Bartleby. "Hi!"

"Um, Hi!" He turned back to Xander. "So, what're the other levels like?"

"My dad says the Jerks level is like a really crummy day on earth, but that the Dickheads level is like prison. He says he can't even imagine what the lowest levels are like."

Bartleby nodded. He'd been about to ask why Xander's Uncle Pete had been deemed a dickhead, but he thought that might be a bit rude.

"How are you selling?" Xander asked Jeff.

"Not bad. My cock got bought right away! And some lady bought my leg for supper a little while ago."

"My Mom might like some of you too."

"Cool! Yeah, come in and buy some of me!"

"There's still money in Hell?" Bartleby asked. For whatever reason, that seemed rather strange to him.

Xander gave him a huge, knowing grin. "Who said I was gonna pay with money?" He took Bartleby by the arm and pulled him towards the shop's entrance.

		***

The bell above the door jingle-jangled merrily as the two cubs entered. Bartleby freaked out for a moment once he stepped inside. The scene was straight out of a slasher flick!

Parts of people were everywhere! Butchered furs of all ages and species were on display. Arms and legs were hanging on the wall. A selection of torsos were arranged in a display case. Through the plexiglass deli counter, Bartleby could see all sorts of organs, feet, paws and genitals, along with lots of unidentifiable cuts and sliced meats.

It would have been a terrifying tableau, if not for the fact that all the butchered fursons seemed to be perfectly content. All the chopped-off heads were looking about and smiling, chatting with each other. The butcher, a plump skunk wearing nothing but a wide, well-stained white apron, turned and smiled warmly at the pair as soon as they came in.

"Hello, boys! Welcome to my shop. Have you come to buy or sell?" He took a closer look at Bartleby. "Xander, please tell me you're selling him!" he said, almost drooling.

Bartleby 'eep!'ed.

"No, he's not for sale, Mr. Spitalka. And he's new, so he's probably pretty weirded out right now."

The jolly skunk waddled out from behind the counter and gave Bartleby a reassuring pat on the back. "It's okay, son. Everyone who's here is here of their own free will. We can all heal ourselves in a flash, right? If anyone here on display wanted to grow a new body and leave, that'd be their choice," he said. His voice was warm and friendly, like a roaring fireplace on a chilly night.

Bartleby sucked in a deep breath. "Okay, yeah, I know. I'm just still getting used to stuff like this."

The butcher chuckled and gave the young boy's hair a tussle. "I understand. I was new too once. And hey, if you ever do decide to come by and sell yourself, I'm sure you'd be a big hit! Bat meat's rare, and very tasty too!"

Bartleby had never really considered what he tasted like.

"I'm here to buy some of my friend, Jeff," Xander told the butcher. "The chipmunk in the window."

"How much is that chiiiipmunk in the window..." Bartleby could not resist singing.

Xander cracked up.

"Actually, you never did tell me how you pay for stuff in here," Bartleby said.

Xander gestured for Bartleby to give him a moment. He pointed out to the butcher that he wanted Jeff's intestines and right arm. The butcher nodded and scooped them up to be wrapped.

"Hope I taste good!" Jeff said. "Tell your mom I said hi!"

"Will do!" Xander picked up his friend's head and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Both boys giggled. The pudgy young fox walked back over to Bartleby. "Jeff's gay too, so maybe we can all have a yiffy sleepover sometime." Bartleby thought that was definitely a good idea! "And in regards to your question..."

Xander walked over to the butcher, who had already wrapped the two cuts of chipmunk meat in white paper. "So, which part of me do you want? As if I have to ask..."

The boy and the butcher both chuckled. "Take a wild guess," the skunk said with a grin. He led Xander over to a chopping block with an adjustable height setting and positioned it perfectly at Xander's crotch level.

Bartleby came around and watched his fox friend willingly place his balls and now-erect cock onto the hard wood surface. Xander leaned back a bit, putting his arms behind his head. "You had your turn in class; my turn now!" he told Bartleby with obvious enthusiasm. "Instead of money, we pay for stuff with ourselves. Either by doin' stuff for each other, or by yiffing, or by actually giving parts of our bodies. I come by this place to pick up dinner all the time!"

The skunk picked up a glistening meat cleaver. "You ready, little guy?" he asked Xander.

"You bet!" the excited little fox replied, his tail wagging happily.

Bartleby was surprised that he was getting kind of yiffy himself.

The butcher raised the cleaver.

Xander grinned.

Bartleby felt his own cock poke out of its sheath.

*swoosh*! *WHACK*!!

The butcher brought his implement down with uncanny precision, taking off Xander's cock and balls as professionally as possible. As the little fox cock jumped through the air, it squirted out a long, thick rope of boycum.

Xander's tongue was hanging out. "Gettin' cut always makes me cum!" he said giddily.

Bartleby watched, fascinated, as the butcher lovingly cradled his friend's maleness in his big furry paw and placed it in a display case alongside several other sets of genitalia from a wide range of species.

"That's a good one!" the butcher told Xander as he walked back over. "It'll sell fast. Boy cocks always do. They're the most tender, juicy cut of meat in my opinion." He gave the little fox a quick hug. "Thanks a bunch, Xander. Feel free to come by and give up that cute cock anytime!"

"I will, Mr. Spitalka!" Xander said happily.

"And I'd love to have yours in my deli case too," the skunk told Bartleby with a warm grin.

Bartleby shivered, but his cock got even harder at the idea.

On a sudden wild impulse, the young bat ran over to the chopping block and whipped out his package. "Take it now! Quick, before I change my mind!" he shouted, his heartbeat thumping in his ears. He couldn't believe he was doing this! But he *knew* he'd be perfectly safe, even if his emotions weren't completely convinced yet. And, after all, he'd lost it once before already.

"Whoa! Go Bartleby!" Xander cheered.

The butcher was floored by this cute little bat's spontaneous willingness. He'd seemed so nervous a second ago! "Alright, kid. Are you totally sure?"

"Yes, yes! Do it now! I might wimp out at any second!" Bartleby yelped desperately.

That shiny, sharp cleaver rose up above him.

Bartleby's whole body tensed in anticipation.

*swoosh* went the blade through the air!

Bartleby yowled as he came, spurting his boy juice all over the chopping block.

*WHACK*!!

The cleaver hit him in mid-ejaculation, sending a blooming red blossom of pleasure exploding through the little bat's whole body.

When he opened his eyes, there was his cock and balls, neatly severed, lying on the block. Cum was still dripping from his tip. There was nothing but a round little hole between his legs now.

"That... was... intense..." Bartleby wheezed.

Xander was right there at his side, patting him on the back, grinning widely in admiration. "Way to go, Batboy! That was sexy as hell! And I thought you were still getting used to stuff like this!"

Bartleby shrugged, still a little jittery from the adrenaline rush. "I guess... sometimes it's best to just dive right in?"

Still astounded by his new friend's sudden burst of courage, Xander gave Bartleby a friendly squeeze, then tugged on his arm again. "Come on, Bartleby. I know my mom'll be wondering where I am by now. The portal's just down the street!"

"Okay." He waved to the friendly butcher as he left. "Bye, Mr. Spitalka!"

"Goodbye, Bartleby! I hope to see you again real soon!"

Just before Xander pulled him out the door, Bartleby was treated to the sight of his own boybits being placed beside Xander's in the deli case. If he'd had a cock at the moment, it would have gotten plenty hard.

Then the two temporarily-dickless boys dashed off down the street.


	*   *   *   *   *


-CHAPTER SIX-

"MOMMMMM!? I'm home!!" Xander bellowed as he shut the front door behind him.

Bartleby followed his new friend inside. One look, and he was *seriously* impressed with Xander's house.

It looked like a set right out of a movie! The livingroom was huge and fancy, but totally unpretentious. There were neat posters hung up on the walls, a potted plastic palm tree in one corner, colorful woven throw rugs on the hardwood floor, giant windows overlooking the bright sunny day, several beanbag chairs, a great big squashy white couch, a flatscreen TV the size of a truck, a fiendishly complicated-looking stereo system, plus a whole lot of shelves crammed full of videos, DVDs, CDs, cassettes, records and books.

"Daaaamn!" said the little bat.

"You like it?" Xander ran over and jumped up onto the couch. "This is _nothing_ like our old place. Our old house was a dump!"

Bartleby decided to impress Xander too. He spread his wings and managed a fairly graceful flying leap all the way across the room to land deftly on the couch beside the little fox.

Xander gaped. "Holy assnuggets! You can fly? Sweet!"

"Well, I *am* a bat," Bartleby said modestly.

The fox felt a little stoopid. "Oh, yeah." He bonked himself on the head. "Dummy alert!"

"Xander?" came a musical female voice.

"In here, mom!" the foxboy shouted back.

"Why in the world are you so late? Did you get eaten on the way home again?" Mrs. Oakley stepped into the room, and Bartleby nearly got a nosebleed. She was a knockout! She looked like she could pose for a perfume ad! The gorgeous, naked, twentysomething vixen had radiant carrot-orange fur, a sparkling waterfall of auburn hair, shimmering white muzzle- and chestfur, plus perfect ebony paws and feet. Her tail swished behind her like an ocean wave, long and remarkably bushy. Her bubblegum-pink nipples perked out from impossibly shapely breasts.

Bartleby's jaw was hanging slack. His brother had once explained to him what the acronym 'MILF' stood for...

"I don't mean to embarrass you," Bartleby said to Xander, "But your mom is _hot_."

Xander just laughed. "Like I don't know that!" He got up off the couch and gave his mom a loving hug. "Hey, Mom! This is Bartleby. He's new. He followed me home; can I keep him?"

"Hardy har har," Mrs. Oakley said. She returned her son's hug and bent over to kiss him between his ears. "So, squirt, why are you two so late?"

"We stopped by Mr. Spitalka's and I got some of Jeff for dinner tonight," Xander said proudly.

"Your chipmunk friend? How nice! That was very thoughtful of you!" she told him. "And I see you paid for it too," she added with a giggle, pointing out his lack of boybits.

Xander chuckled.

Bartleby realized that, yes, he still had no meat 'n potatoes either. "So, how exactly do we get 'em back?" he asked.

"Oh, you can't. They're gone forever," Mrs. Oakley said nonchalantly.

Bartleby's eyes got as round as dinner plates.

"Don't DO that, Mom!" Xander said, while laughing right along with her. "He's new! He'll believe you!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the pretty vixen said sincerely. She came over to sit beside Bartleby. "I was only joking," she said, and patted his leg reassuringly.

"I know that, It just took me a second," Bartleby said. "So...?" he said to Xander.

"I dunno." he shrugged. "Just _want_ to have them back. It's like wanting to get out of bed. It just sorta happens." The foxboy concentrated, and his maleness snapped back into being in a flash. "See?"

"Oh, okay," Bartleby said. So, it was like after he'd had his heart taken away. He stared down at his sexless crotch, thinking briefly that it kinda looked cool like that. He thought about his boybits and suddenly they were there again, accompanied by a nice little zing of pleasure! "Wow!"

Mrs. Oakley reached over and inspected the young bat's balls with her paw. "How adorable!"

Bartleby blushed beet red. "Um..."

"Oh! Oh, dear, I'm sorry if I went too far," Mrs. Oakley apologized again. "I keep forgetting you're new. I'm so used to everyone being relaxed about such things."

"N-no, it's okay," Bartleby told her. "Just surprising." He smiled. "And it felt pretty good!"

She giggled and patted his tummy. "Would you like to come up to the bedroom with me and Xander and my husband later on? We'd be happy to have you join us. We usually all get together to cuddle after Xander gets home from school."

"You have a three-way with your parents *every day*?!?" Bartleby asked his fox friend in disbelief.

"Yup!" Xander flashed a huge, proud grin.

"You have to stop calling me lucky then," Bartleby deadpanned.

Both foxes laughed out loud. "Oh, you're a sweetie!" Mrs. Oakley said, giving Bartleby an affectionate hug. She was delightfully warm, and her fur was soft as a summer breeze.

"Do you wanna get something to eat first?" Xander asked. "You said you were hungry, right?"

"Oh, sure!" Bartleby said. "Thank you!"

"I'd be happy to fix you something, Bart," Mrs. Oakley offered.

Bartleby winced and his ears flattened out in annoyance. "I do _not_ like being called Bart, Mrs. Oakley," he said as politely as he could through gritted teeth.

"Oh, alright. Sorry again." She patted him between his big chiropteran ears. "Bartleby. And would you like me to make you a snack?"

"That's okay, Mom," Xander said. "He's my guest, so I'll be the snack-fixer. You can go back to whatever you were doing before I showed up."

"Alright. And thank you, honeypie," she said, getting up off the couch and giving Xander another quick hug. "Actually I was playing tennis with your father out back, and I was kicking his ass!"

The boys both giggled.

"Put that chipmunk meat in the freezer while you're at it," she asked. "See you two later. Hope you're yiffy!" She flicked her tail at them as she went off to go have fun humiliating her husband some more.

Bartleby stared after her, hypnotized by that perfectly round booty. "Okay, your mom is not only hot, she's cool too."

"Isn't that like a paradox, or something?" Xander quipped.

The two friends giggled as they went off together to the kitchen.

		***

The kitchen, as it turned out, was just as impressive as the livingroom. Stainless steel everything, perfectly spic and span, with a totally awe-inspiring selection of junk food in the pantry.

Bartleby's eyes fell on a particular package. "Oh my god! I love these! I haven't eaten them in months!" he cried joyfully.

"Take whatever you want," Xander said, happy to see Bartleby so excited. "Did you say you've already gotten your own room?"

"Mm hmm," the little bat mumbled, his arms and his mouth full from carrying numerous bags of artificially-colorful salty snackfoods to the table.

"And did Razielphustar tell you how the whole place is made out of your memories?"

"Yeah. Where do you keep the bowls?"

"In the bottom cupboard. No, not that one. No- Yeah, that one. Okay, and you know how you can change everything around however you want?"

"Yes..." Bartleby said, wondering where all this was leading.

"That's because _everything_ all around us is made by our minds," Xander said with a sweeping arm gesture. "We can make anything around us into whatever we want. You just hafta concentrate."

"That's pretty cool!" Bartleby said. He started pouring himself a bowlful of all sorts of delicious stuff that was bad for him.

"Like that food you're eating," the fox kit pointed out. "We never have to go grocery shopping. Ever! We want food, we just wish it into the fridge or the pantry. Or if we get sick of it, we can turn it into something else."

"Sweet!" Bartleby decided to try a little experiment. He concentrated intently on his bowl of snacks, and changed it into a gigantic mass of gummi worms.

"Gummi worms?" Xander asked.

"It was all I could think of at the moment," Bartleby explained.

Xander took one and Bartleby did too before changing his snacks back. He was more in the mood for salty stuff anyway. "That's pretty kickass," he remarked.

"Mrs. Schaddenfreude explained the whole thing to us once. Basically, if you come here by yourself, you get your own room, and it's the room you've always dreamed of having."

Bartleby nodded. "Mine's a little cave."

"A *cave*?"

"I like small, cozy spaces," he said, and blew a 'so there!' raspberry at the fox.

Xander chuckled. "Whatever. It's cool. So, yeah, you get your dream room, 'cuz whatever it is that gives us all this stuff only has your old memories to work with. Like when me and my parents died, it created our old house; but all clean and brand new. So we all changed it into this new one after we'd settled in. You can make your room into a whole house too, if you like. Heck, you can turn it into a freakin' *mansion* if that's what you want. You can even move it to a specific neighborhood. Though there's portals all over the place, so you really don't need to."

Bartleby swallowed his mouthful of oh-so-good, salty, greasy, calorie-dripping junk food. "Yeah, I was curious about that. How do the portals work? How can you move a whole house around, for that matter?"

"Mrs. S. said it's kind of like a computer. You can move files and folders wherever you want to, because they only *seem* like objects. You see them as icons on the desktop, but really all they are is electricity inside the computer."

The bat nodded. "So, none of this is real?"

Xander shook his head. "No, it's real, it's just not..." He fumbled for a second, trying to think of a way to explain it. "Well, it's like *us*, actually. We used to have bodies, and those were made out of atoms and molecules 'n stuff, but now we're our souls, which is like being made of pure thought. It's like we're made of energy now and so is everything around us. So Hell's not underground in the Earth, it's in a totally different dimension."

"Hey, I get it!" Bartleby said. "That's pretty neat!"

"You know what's even cooler?"

"What?"

"You could eat all the junk food in this house and you'd never gain a pound unless you wanted to. You can control your appearance just like your room!"

The little fox leaned in closer and whispered, "Like my mom, for example. I love her, and I think she's always been pretty, but before we all died she was a lot older, and kinda fat too. She always used to stand in front of the mirror and talk about how ugly she thought she was. Me 'n dad would always try to tell her we thought she looked beautiful, but it didn't help much. So now she can look just like she's always wanted to. I like seeing her so happy."

Bartleby nodded. Not only did he hear a deep, deep love in his friend's tone, but this also explained some other things. Like why he'd seen such a disproportionate amount of beautiful people when they'd been out walking home from school. He wondered if Mrs. Schaddenfreude had changed her looks, and if so, what had she used to look like?

He wondered also; if he could change himself, what would he most want to change?

"So if that's true, then why do you still have this?" Bartleby said teasingly as he poked Xander's round tummy.

The fox laughed, knowing Bartleby hadn't said it to be mean. "Hey, I like how I look! My mom says I look cute when I'm a little roly poly. I happen to agree."

"Me too!" Bartleby said, and gave his fox friend a quick cheek kiss.

"Aw, thanks!" Xander responded with another kiss, this one right on Bartleby's lips.

The little bat's ears perked straight up. His first kiss on the lips from another boy! And it had been _fantastic_!!

Afterwards, Xander and Bartleby looked into each other's eyes and saw a new warmth that had emerged.

"Um, I'm feeling kind of yiffy now," Xander said softly. "Why don't you finish up your snacks and we can go play with mom and dad?"

Bartleby set the bowl aside. "I can always wish for more later if I get hungry," he said slyly.

Xander laughed softly. With one glance, the table was cleared off, the bowl was cleaned up and back in the cupboard, and all the snacks were back in the pantry again.

"Wow, that's a quick way to get chores done!" Bartleby said.

"I know! I actually *like* cleaning stuff up now!" He tugged on Bartleby's arm. "Come on! Let's go yiff!"


	*   *   *   *   *