Confessions Of A Ratgirl
An Adam & Lena story
by Alex Reynard 


   *****


If we look back through our past and trace the cause and effect our decisions have made, inevitably we will realize how helpless we are to see the consequences of our choices. Most choices are predictable in the short-term, true. But long-term? Many of the most important events in our lives can be traced back to a single, simple moment. One tiny decision, made on a whim, on an ordinary day. And suddenly our lives are on a completely different path, heading towards repercussions we cannot imagine.

One morning, early in fall, two fursons walked to a park bench in the heart of a big city. Choosing this bench, on this day, would be one of the most significant decisions of their entire lives.

One was a twentysomething skunk. He was tall and slender with a round face. Sort of like a lowercase 'i'. He wore glasses and jeans. Holding his hand was a ratgirl who'd just entered double digits. Her fur was pearly-grey and her messy hair was brown. Her eyes shone with intelligence as she took in everything around her, not missing a detail.

Adam Tallevasco let out a 'whoosh' of a tired sigh as he flopped down onto the green wooden bench. Lena plopped down beside him, imitating his sigh. Then she glanced up at him, giggled, and scooted sideways to lean against him. Adam sighed again, this time in contentment, as he put his arm around her.

Despite the fact that he was a skunk and she was a rat, their body language could not have made it more clear that they were father and daughter.

Adam's feet ached. He flexed his toes inside of his shoes. His soles felt like two hamburgers on the grill. He looked over to Lena, who didn't seem affected by their long afternoon's walk at all. She was kicking her feet back and forth and staring at pigeons.



They had combed the city today and were back at their starting point with nothing to show for it. Early that morning they had parked a few blocks away from the park and set off on a quest. Today was their first try at finding Lena's long-lost mother. The little ratling admitted she had no idea who her father was, but she and her mother had lived on these streets for over a decade, rarely venturing beyond their usual territory. Since Lena's 'incident', she hadn't seen her mother in almost a year.

As the morning became afternoon, Lena took Adam on a tour of the city's underside. The two femmerats had been homeless most of the time. Lena pointed out spots where they frequently ate, slept or hid from bad weather. She and Adam checked under overpasses and in smelly alleys. They checked the public library, several parks, and every shelter Lena had ever stayed in. They talked to some of the other furs Lena had known from before. Mostly homeless folks, but also a several sympathetic store owners, plus a trio of prostitutes who fawned over Lena like loving aunts.

But everywhere they went they got the same result: nothing. No one had seen Lena's mother in months. The few who had any memories of the woman all said the same thing; the last they'd seen of her, she'd been looking for Lena too.

After many hours had passed, they were on their way to yet another small store Lena had known when she suddenly stopped walking and tugged her Daddy's jacket. "We're not going to find her," she said simply. "Let's go home."

Adam was about to reassure her that they would eventually, but the look in Lena's eyes said she hadn't given up hope; she was just being realistic about their chances today. "We can try again some other time," he said.

She nodded, and they turned back.

It hadn't taken them long to make their way back to the park. Sitting down was a welcome relief for Adam. Especially considering how nice the park was, compared to some of the other places he'd seen today. It boggled his mind trying to imagine Lena actually *living* in places like that. And she seemed so casual about it too. "That's the grocery store that used to throw out all the best stuff and we'd go dumpster-hunting for it," she'd said. "That's the park fountain I had to pee in once." "That's the apartment building Mom used to go to to pick up drugs." Dark, unclean places where the people society had forgotten struggled to keep themselves alive and sane.

By contrast, the park was green with life. Grass swayed in the slight breeze. Birdsongs filled the trees, sounding pleasant only to those who didn't know they were usually territorial warnings. Joggers swept past like escaping wind-up toys. Parents pushed strollers.

Seeing a mother wolf nuzzling her baby made Adam think about his own sudden transition to parenthood. Just a few months ago, he would have thought it impossible that he'd ever be taking care of a child. He was kind of a solitary geek, so there was never a steady woman in his life (besides his mom). Aside from a few female colleagues he occasionally flirted harmlessly with, he didn't interact with the opposite sex much at all. His life so far had been mostly trash and studying. He drove a garbage truck for a paycheck, and also because he enjoyed the work (plus the occasional free furniture). Virtually all of his income went to pay for college. He was a stellar student, and well on his way to becoming a teacher's assistant and hopefully earning more money. But it was his love of the occult that had led his life's path to intersect with Lena's.

One of his favorite supernatural phenomena to study was the little-known theory that emotions created a type of energy which everyday inanimate objects (or people) stored. While science would have scoffed at this idea, since there was no known way to measure it yet, Adam nonetheless believed in the concept strongly. It started from little observations; like how a malfunctioning car or appliance seemed to malfunction more the angrier he got at it. Or how his car seemed to run better when he'd talk to it like a lady. Eventually though, after a lot of research, he was able to *see* this emotional energy for himself. Certain objects had a hazy glow. The color and characteristics of the glow corresponded to whatever emotion it stored. Eventually, Adam could drive by a bunch of trash bags and tell with a glance which families were happy, loving, or psychotic.

One evening Adam had finished his usual rounds and was dropping his truck's trash load at the city dump. He spent a lot of time at the dump. Partly because it was quiet there. Partly because the smell had never bothered him. But also, he simply had a fascination for poking through the old junk and just marvelling at the type of things people threw away. He liked to imagine the history of objects he spotted and how they had come to be there. That night, he had spotted something glowing. It was an object with the greatest amount of stored emotional energy he had ever seen. When he found it and dug it out from the pile it was in, it was only the size of a marble. Yet its brilliance was so awesome he couldn't look directly at it.

From his research, he knew he had found a lost soul.

There was an old, old book that talked about such things. Sometimes a furson would be so abused and cast out by life that upon dying, their soul would become bonded to filth and trash, and exist in limbo until someone set it free. Adam never thought he'd ever be in a position to be that someone.

He didn't need to go home and get the book; he remembered the ritual well. Or at least he thought he did. He said the words and arranged nearby objects into the correct symbols. Lastly, he opened both his palms with his pocketknife and held his blood over the glowing soul.

What happened next was like a supernova.

Adam's vision went white. When he could finally see again, there was a girl-sized squirming blur in front of him. As his vision cleared, he realized that, instead of sending the soul on its way to the hereafter, he had brought it back to life instead.

Sitting in a crater the size of a small backyard pool was a skinny naked ratgirl with silver fur and a bubblegum-pink nose, who looked very disoriented. Adam guessed correctly that the crater had been caused by her soul converting all nearby organic matter into a new body.

Adam's brain could not deal with the idea that he'd just conjured up a real, living child out of thin air.

But then the little rat girl looked up at him. Their eyes met.

Something electric passed between them. It felt like a plug finding a socket. Like a key fitting into a lock. It felt like something cosmic had reached into both of them, made a slight adjustment, and changed everything to how it was supposed to be.

Just like that, they were connected for eternity.

In that moment, Adam simply *knew* that he was now a father, and that this little girl was now his daughter.

He had given her life.

She said her name was Lena. He introduced himself as well. She asked him some questions. He answered what he could.

She seemed to be partially in shock; she was responsive, but her emotions hadn't caught up to the reality of the situation just yet. Adam had no idea what to do with her at first. Though finally his brain kicked in and he lent her his jacket so she could cover up and stop shivering. But what now? How was he going to explain to the guard at the gate that he'd suddenly acquired a little girl?

Lena had the answer though. She looked around at the landfill, feeling a strange, serene connection to it. She told him later that, in that moment, she suddenly knew that the trash was her friend. All of it. She felt a kinship with it. So she asked him if he had any garbage bags handy.

Moments later, Adam parked the garbage truck in the dock, walked back to the lot for his car, then approached the gate guard with a rather large, lumpy black sack in his hand. The portly bobcat knew Adam was a bit quirky and made a friendly quip about Adam taking work home with him. The skunk had a moment of sudden brilliance and claimed it was for his sociology class. His project, he said, was to take a random bag of garbage and analyze its contents, trying to learn as much as possible about whoever had thrown it out. The guard thought that sounded like something from one of those crime scene shows. Adam said that the police really did get clues from garbage sometimes. The guard kidded Adam about wasting his brains at a job like this. Adam chucked and said he liked it, and that he had to get home and begin the 'autopsy'. He patted the bag, walked to his car and drove off.

In the passenger seat, the garbage bag giggled. "Don't autopsy me!" it pleaded cutely.

Adam had a hell of a time getting the wiggling bag up two flights of steps to his apartment without anyone seeing him. But he did, and once inside he locked the door and let Lena out. He'd been a bit ashamed to bring her to his tiny, dingy little place, but she loved it. She told him that after some of the places she'd stayed at, this was a palace. It was warm and they had it all to themselves; that was more than enough to satisfy her.

The first order of business, Adam decided, was doing something about Lena's nudity. She didn't seem to mind it much though. She was busy nosing around the apartment and Adam had to chase her from room to room to finally get one of his T-shirts on her. It fit her like a tarp. He obviously didn't have any clothes befitting a little girl, so for pants he just let her borrow a pair of his briefs.

Guessing that she would be hungry, Adam heated her up a can of soup and a cheese sandwich, and she buzzsawed through half a box of graham crackers while he cooked. Lena ate like a tornado that night, thanking him every few seconds for the wonderful food.

When her tummy was nice and full, Adam decided the next thing to do was to give her a bath. Lena had been resurrected in a city dump after all, and smelled rather ripe. Though she hadn't even noticed.

Adam filled the tub while Lena got naked again. He tried his best to keep his gaze averted. He even added in the dregs from a bottle of bubble bath left over from the last time Mrs. Lipkin had asked him to babysit her boys. Lena definitely loved the bubbles. She climbed in enthusiastically, splashing all over the floor, and squeaked in contentment at the soothing warmth.

Adam was about to leave, when she asked, in a very timid voice, if he would stay. He was uncomfortable at first, but her pleading eyes were irresistible.

Adam sat down by the side of the tub and began to scrub her back with a loofah. If Lena had been a kitten, she would have purred her heart out. It was obvious that his touch and closeness meant a great deal to her.

And suddenly, her floodgates opened. The emotions she'd been too disoriented to feel so far all came rushing in now. Lena began to tell Adam her life story, and did not stop until three and a half hours later. By then the water had turned cold and the suds had vanished. But Adam now knew about Lena's mother and her drug addiction. About Lena's many days of loneliness. About their wandering, about their hunger ...and about her death. The little ratgirl sat in the tub, staring at nothing, and told him of the man who had come upon her in an alley one day and pulled out a knife. He had stripped her and used her, treating her like nothing more than an inanimate object. Lena described the assault in devastating detail. When the man had finished, he'd tossed her into a nearby dumpster, thinking she was dead. Lena held her breath until he went away, then curled up and simply stayed where she was until a trash truck came along. She had been compacted. And it had been a relief.

After hearing her story, Adam couldn't imagine ever touching this poor girl ever again. But she surprised him. When her tale was finished, she crawled out of the tub directly into his arms. She wept and held him like she was terrified to let go. Her wet fur soaked his clothes. He didn't mind though. He simply pulled a towel down off the rack to wrap around her. Then he hugged her back, honored beyond words at the trust she showed in him.

Lena had insisted on sleeping together that night. She'd curled around him like she was seeking shelter from a storm. She snuggled into his pajama fabric, then was out like a light, snoring adorably. Adam watched her silently for many hours, wondering how he could possibly make this work.

It had been difficult, certainly, but Adam had been immeasurably proud (and relieved) at how cooperative Lena was. She enjoyed being helpful and was effortlessly patient. They didn't have much money, and he had to keep her hidden from the landlord, and he had no idea how to take care of her, but they got by.

The day after their first meeting, Adam had gone to the nearest resale shop and simply bought every girly thing that looked like it would fit her. Though later when they were able to shop together in public, Lena showed an equal preference for boys' clothes.

There was no way to enroll her in a public school, so Adam became Lena's teacher. The little ratgirl was rusty in pretty much everything, but her long days of homelessness had made her into a keen observer. On the days when her mother would leave her alone to go out in search of money or food, there was often nothing else to do but watch the world pass by. Her mother had at least taught her how to read though, so Lena would often pass the time by perusing discarded newspapers. Her knowledge of current events had utterly floored Adam at first.

Adam's major was in biology, but he was familiar with just about all the other sciences, and now he turned the majority of his attention to child psychology. In addition to his regular coursework, Adam would bring home every library psych book he could find and stay up shamefully late reading them. Lena would often have to pry his face out of a book and force him to go to bed.

But all that studying helped immensely. He would have been lost trying to understand Lena otherwise. She was chatty and very open with him, but her emotions could change in a heartbeat. Sometimes her memories would hit her like a sledgehammer and she'd go into a coma-like state of depression. They never lasted longer than a day, but were frighteningly intense. Nothing but time or sleep could get her out of them. Sometimes Lena was very demanding of affection. She'd cling to him like she was afraid this was all a dream she might wake up from. Other times she'd vanish into her room, get lost in her imagination, and daydream silently for hours on end. As the months passed she mellowed considerably, but her early days were like raising a little schizo.

To his surprise, the fact that she was also pretty much a zombie was the least of his worries.

He sometimes had to force his brain to remember that he'd actually brought Lena back from the freakin' _dead_. Her years of poverty seemed to have way more of an impact on her psyche than the fact that she was a semi-living garbage golem. Aside from her boundless enthusiasm for all things gross and dirty, she was mostly just like any other tomboy. She didn't mind her 'condition' at all, because she said getting to meet Adam made it a totally worthwhile trade. Adam's heart melted at that.

About the only differences between Lena and a normal, mortal, girl was her everpresent stinkiness (which Adam honestly didn't mind a bit) and her eating habits. Soon after he'd brought her home that first night, Lena started having tummyaches. She said she couldn't get full, no matter how much she ate. He fed her everything he could think of. A week passed and he was getting frantic. Lena's stomach was in constant pain and she was getting visibly thinner. Then out of the blue, he caught her staring at the kitchen trash can one day. "I think... I wanna eat that," she'd said. She walked over and took an experimental sniff. Then suddenly she tipped the can, spilled everything on the floor and started feasting. Adam's brain did backflips in alarm, but then he noticed how happy she looked. Her smile *beamed* as she gobbled the garbage. Adam thought to try looking at the trash through his 'special sight' and realized that Lena was instinctively eating the trash with the highest amounts of emotional energy. That was what she'd been missing. It was what had created her, and what she needed to sustain her. From then on, he took her to the dump every workday and let her play in the piles while he drove off on his rounds. He'd return in the evenings to find her plump-bellied and supremely satisfied. Plus, she'd usually manage to root out a few new toys or outfits.

Adam had never known any joy in his life to compare with making Lena happy. Her smile was like a concentrated blast of warmth, bliss and fulfillment shot right into his heart. He'd been terrified of the responsibility at first, and even more terrified that he'd fail her somehow. But those feelings had faded over time. Lena was grateful for everything he gave her, and endlessly forgiving. His early stumbles and slipups gave way to confidence. He could do this. He could really take care of this little cuddly furball full of life.

His greatest sorrow was knowing it couldn't last, though.

Lena had a mother somewhere out there. As much as Adam loved taking care of her, he knew it was his duty to reunite her with her real parent eventually. Lena didn't seem very enthused about the idea though. She said she loved her mother, yes, but... She now understood that her mother was incapable of caring for her. Adam said they'd solve that problem when they came to it. For now, there was a woman walking the streets, not knowing where her child was, and she deserved to know that Lena was safe. (Adam had no idea how she'd handle the garbage-eating part.)

Adam realized he'd gotten lost in his thoughts and had been staring up at the sky for several minutes. He looked over at Lena. She was scraping some old, blackened gum off the bench. When her prize finally came loose, she lifted up her shirt and fed it directly into her bellybutton. She giggled warmly. "Whoever chewed that was in love," she said.

The skunk smiled and ruffled her hair. Emotional energy came in many different 'flavors', they'd discovered. Positive emotions were the most nourishing.

In a blink, Lena's expression turned melancholy. "What if she's dead?" she suddenly asked.

Adam wasn't sure how to answer that.

The little ratgirl pensively squeezed her tail in her paws. "There's a big part of me that wants to just stay with you. But I want to at least see her again. Make sure she's okay. She has to be, right? But what if we never know? What if we don't find her?" she asked.

She'd tried to sound calm, but he could hear a lot of conflicting emotions in her voice. He realized that part of her didn't *want* to find her mother, and that she wasn't sure if she should feel ashamed of herself for that.

"If we don't, we don't," Adam said. "We can only give it our best and hope by chance we stumble across her. It's possible she moved on, or is looking for you in another city."

Lena closed her eyes. "Or maybe she's relieved."

"I'm sure that's not-"

Lena gave him a very sharp look. "I know her better than you do. She might! I don't mean like, 'Good riddance that little brat is gone!'. But, like... She wasn't ever very good with responsibility. I could tell she thought of herself first most of the time. Like, she honestly tried to take good care of me, but she just wasn't wired for it?"

Adam nodded. "I think I understand."

"I don't really know if we ever really loved each other," Lena realized with a cold chill. "We were together my whole life. She brought me food and toys sometimes. She kept me safe. But I never felt the same feelings from her that I feel from you. I feel like... Like you really love me, Daddy..."

His heart did cartwheels. "'Course I do," he said, and kissed between her ears.

Lena was so focused on her thoughts she didn't even notice. "But with Mom, it was different. It felt like... I know how it felt but I'm really having trouble describing it. Like... we weren't really a family. Like I wasn't her daughter. Just..."

The word finally came to her.

"...an obligation."

Adam was very impressed with her insight. "From everything you've told me about her, I completely understand that. She saw it as her duty to take care of you, because you were hers."

"Right. But it wasn't any more than that."

"I'm really proud of you, rattycakes. It took courage to be able to realize something like that and admit to it."

She giggled at the nickname. "I'd felt that all the time when we were together, but it was like I wasn't able to notice it until I met you. Like when you've been in a room with a big loud hum and you only notice it when you leave the room and it's not there anymore. It feels so different being with you now." She took hold of his hand in hers and gently squeezed.

He squoze her tiny paws too. "I can't even describe how it felt, hearing you say that you could tell how much I love you. I know we say it to each other all the time. But sometimes it just... hits me. Stronger than usual. 'I have a daughter, and she loves me.' It's... overwhelming."

She grinned, happy to make him so happy. "'Course I do. I love my stinky skunky garbageman genius daddy forever."

He laughed and hugged her. "All the other stuff, I'll cop to. But a genius? Maybe not."

"Well, you read me all those textbooks and help me understand them! I wouldn't know anything about psychology or metamorphosis or the endocrine system without you. Or engine repair!" she added, remembering all the times their slapped-together car would find creative ways to cack out on them. "You're-!"

Adam blinked. In midsentence, Lena had gone as cold and stiff as a store mannequin. "Sweetie?" He looked down to her eyes.

They were wide with inexpressible terror.

"Lena!! What is it!?"

She was shaking. Her mouth opened, but it took a few seconds for her to be able to force her breaths into words. "It's... He's... Him... HIM!"

"Him who?" Adam looked up and scanned the whole park, wondering who she could have possibly seen to trigger such a response.

Then Adam saw him.

There was only one furson who could have made her react this way.

He was walking across the park several yards away. He looked exactly like Lena had described him. A rusty-furred canine mutt in jeans and an orange wool cap. He was listening to a Walkman. The son of a bitch hadn't even gotten rid of his green jacket.

The jacket he'd worn when he'd raped and killed Lena.

Adam felt a very strange sensation overtake him. All of his emotions simply drained out, leaving him nothing but a steady cold focus that he could feel vibrating through his entire body.

"Lena?" he asked.

She took a deep breath to calm herself, then looked up at him. "Yes, Daddy?"

"Can you be brave and do something very important for me?"

She was a little afraid. She'd never seen Daddy like this before. It was like he'd just turned into a robot all of a sudden. "Y-yes?"

Adam kept his eyes cemented on the dog in the green jacket. Nothing on earth could have broken his focus. "I've been planning for this exact moment. I always knew we might run into him someday, and so I made plans." Without looking, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the car keys. "In the glove compartment, there's a brown box about as big as a hardcover book. I'm going to keep him in my sight. Can you run and go bring me that box?"

She nodded with the solemnity of a soldier accepting a mission. "Absolutely."

Lena dashed off like a cheetah. Adam slowly stood up. The dog in the green jacket was walking leisurely along the path on the opposite side of the park. He hadn't noticed Adam or Lena, which was excellent. Adam began to slowly walk towards him. He measured his pace carefully, keeping back far enough to observe his target unseen, while staying slow enough so Lena could catch up.

The dog turned at the edge of the park, heading north. Adam headed that way too.

After about a block, Adam heard panting behind him and a moment later felt an exhausted ratgirl bonk into him from behind. "I got it!! I ran as fast as I could!"

From how hard she was breathing, he believed her. He took his eyes off the dog just long enough to turn back and give Lena a one-armed hug. "Good girl. Good girl."

She placed the brown box in his paws. "What's in it?" But she already suspected.

"You remember me telling you about when I was little? How my dad would take me camping?" Adam said.

Lena nodded. She hadn't met her new grandpa and grandma yet (they lived several states away), but was very eager to.

Adam's eyes never left the man he was pursuing. He tucked the box into his jacket, opened it, and began to load the bullets by touch alone.

"One time when we were out in the woods, my dad showed me this box. I opened it up, and inside was a handgun."

Lena gulped. But her suspicions were confirmed.

"I was scared speechless at first, and he said he was proud of me for that. He said that fear was the proper reaction to seeing a gun. Its purpose is to kill, so it *should* be feared. It should *always* be feared. He told me that people who don't fear the guns they own don't deserve to own them, because those kind of people get others killed. He said he was going to teach me how to shoot as a way of teaching me responsibility. I had to learn how to handle something that would literally kill me if I wasn't careful enough with it."

Lena was dumbstruck. This was a side of her new Daddy she'd never seen. They stopped briefly at a crosswalk, then hurried across and Adam resumed his story.

"I asked my dad if he wanted me to shoot anything living. Birds or squirrels or something. He could tell I was horrified by the idea, and was proud of me for that too. He said no; we were just going to practice shooting holes in an old dead tree. He said that only sick people could find pleasure in using a gun to take an innocent life. He had me stand far away from the tree, told me how to line up my shot, and let me fire. The noise was... It was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. My ears rang so hard it hurt. The noise echoed for what seemed like forever. Then my dad told me to get up off the ground and do it again. He said it was important that I fear it, but also keep control of my fear. Sometimes we have to do the things we fear. It's not enough to hope you'll do okay in a situation like that. You have to practice. You have to practice being scared shitless and doing what you need to do anyway."

Lena took a deep breath. She glanced up ahead at the man they were following. "What are we going to do to him?"

Adam briefly glanced at her in his peripheral vision. "Anything you want to, honey."

"What?"

"He hurt you. We're going to take him someplace and tie him up so he can't fight back. Then I'm going to let you do absolutely anything you want to him. I won't judge you a bit."

"I..." Lena's nervousness was clawing at her heart. "I don't know if I can. I mean, I kinda want to. Okay; I actually *really* want to. But..."

"Lena, we have to," Adam said matter-of-factly. "This isn't just for us. We don't know if he's done to other girls the same things he did to you. We don't know what he might do in the future. But from the way you described how he... hurt you, it doesn't sound like that was his first time."

Lena hadn't thought about that. But her heart rolled sickly at how true it felt. She understood now. "We have to stop him, to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else."

Adam patted her headfur gently. "That's right. Good girl."

"So what happens when we catch up to him?"

He was glad to hear that her doubts were gone and she was ready to commit to this. "I want you to stay behind me. Keep hidden until I tell you to come out. I believe you when you say this is the guy, but we have to be sure. We have to be absolutely, completely 100% sure. Because we're about to do horrible things to this man, and we can't let that happen to someone innocent. Understand?"

"Uh-huh."

"Are you ready?" he asked.

She paused just long enough to ask herself and get an answer. "I am."

"I'm proud of your courage, Lena. Now drop behind me. Keep hidden."

"Right." Lena held back and let Daddy get a block ahead of her.

Adam took a deep breath. The calm in his heart was almost frightening to him.

He'd only ever felt this way once before in his life. He'd felt little twinges of it other times; when he'd hear about something horribly unjust on the news or at school, but there was only one time he'd felt it all over his whole body like this.

'Keep it cool. Don't take your eyes off him. Don't make a sound. Remember the moment you're least proud of...'

As a child, he had been picked on often for being a skunk. That was just how things were. Certain species had a harder time of it in his school, that was all. Most of his classmates made jokes but otherwise tolerated him. However, one kid devoted his life to enjoying Adam Tallevasco's misery. That kid's name was Donnie Ashton. He was a tabby cat, and he was borne of pure sadism.

He tripped Adam, stole from him, kicked his tray in the lunchroom, slammed him to the floor in gym class, called him the cruellest names he could dream up, cornered him and slugged him in the stomach, lied about him to the teachers to get him in trouble, and reveled in every evil idea that popped into his psychopathic little skull.

Adam begged his teachers for help time after time after time. But Donnie's father had a position on the city council. So the school let his terror of a son run wild.

Adam's father explained that sometimes life was like this. Sometimes the system didn't protect the people it should. He told his son that, if Adam truly wanted the bullying to stop, he would have to make it stop himself. Adam thanked his father for his understanding.

One day, for no real reason at all, Adam simply had enough. Donnie tripped him on the way to lunch and kicked him in the side once he was down. Just a little thing, really. Something he ordinarily would have shrugged off.

But that afternoon, Adam followed Donnie halfway home, holding a length of metal pipe in his hand.

A feeling of pure, emotionless calm came over him. He swung without warning. That sound of metal landing on bone would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Adam's heart filled with sick horror as he watched his nemesis swivel limply and fall to the sidewalk. For a few moments, Adam was sure he'd killed him. He felt like his body had been on autopilot and he was just now coming out of it. He could not believe he'd just done that. He barely even remembered committing the act itself.

Thankfully, his brain switched back on in time to save him. Adam hadn't given any thought to what he would do after he got his revenge, but his mind suddenly went into overdrive figuring that out. He checked Donnie's pulse; a skill Dad had taught him. It was strong and steady, plus the tabby was still breathing. Good. Adam looked around and saw that the street was currently empty. It wouldn't stay that way for long though. Taking a gamble that Donnie hadn't seen him before he'd attacked, Adam quickly emptied the cat's pockets and grabbed all the money he found. With luck, Donnie and everyone else would think he had been mugged. Donnie started to move again and Adam ran so fast his legs hurt.

The next day, the hometown paper ran a long article about a heartless coward who'd snuck up on a child and beat him unconscious for his money.

Donnie's wallet had contained eight dollars and thirty five cents. Adam threw it down a storm drain.

Adam let this memory overtake him. He needed to feel that cold, heartless feeling again. He knew he might be ashamed of himself tomorrow, but he accepted that. He knew from his father's lessons and his own life experience that the best way to solve almost any problem was with peace and kindness. 'Almost any' were the key words though. Sometimes problems didn't go away using civilized methods. Though it was a very, very rare thing, Adam knew that sometimes you had to briefly become a monster to stop a worse one.

Adam watched patiently. Finally the dog in the green jacket pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and turned down an alley. Perfect.

He ran forward and caught up. Before the dog had time to say a single word, Adam's hand was clutching the side of the man's head and the gun barrel was pressed into his ear. The dog dropped his pack and cigarettes spilled all over the alley.

"Take the money," was the first thing the dog said.

"This isn't about that," Adam hissed, keeping his face hidden. "If my daughter is mistaken about who you are, I'll let you go and offer anything I can in apology. If she's right though, then this is the worst day of your life."

"What the fuck are you talking about!?"

Adam called out to Lena. "Come here, sweetheart. It's safe. Show yourself to him; I want to see his reaction."

The ratgirl hesitated at first. Who wouldn't? She was aware that she was about to come face to face again with the man who had once taken everything from her. But Lena was a brave girl. She kept in mind that this was not just about her. She stepped into the alley in front of her rapist and her eyes met his.

The man forgot all about the gun as he jumped back and scrambled away from Lena in a panic. "BullSHIT!!! Whatever she told you, she's lying! She's lying!! I never touched her, do you hear me!?"

Adam held the gun up, pointed directly between the man's eyes. "She hasn't said a word yet. But you have. You just told me everything I needed to know. Down on your knees, sir."

"But I didn't-!"

Adam rushed forward a step, shoving the gun barrel into the dog's nose hard enough to make his teeth clack. "DOWN ON YOUR KNEES. IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN, I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE GUT AND LEAVE YOU HERE TO DIE."

Wisely, the dog dropped to his knees.

Adam stood over him. The skunk's heart felt like a fork trapped in a garbage disposal. Now that he had this guy, what was he going to do with him?

"What are you going to do with me?" the man asked. He looked back and forth between Lena and Adam. He was shaking with fear. He knew any answer they gave would turn out bad for him.

"For now, you're going to follow me," Adam said.

The man started to stand up.

"NOT JUST YET," Adam barked. "First I'm going to explain some rules."

Lena was torn between looking at the pathetic, cowering bastard kneeling before her, and her Daddy, who had somehow metamorphosed into the badassest action movie hero ever. Lena could barely contain or describe how she felt. There was triumph, exhilaration and fear of course. But also an immensely deep gratitude towards her adoptive father. He was doing all this for her. To protect her. To avenge her.

Adam looked down the barrel of the gun into the eyes of the man in the green jacket. "When I tell you to, you will stand up. You will walk in front of us. I will hold the gun to your back and direct you to my car. There, you will get in the trunk."

The dog winced. "Aw shit..."

"Is that a complaint?" Adam asked coldly.

He shook his head vigorously. "No. No, sir."

"Smart," Adam said. "I can see in your eyes that you know exactly what this is about, and that you know you're caught. You know you deserve this."

The dog glanced briefly to Lena, then back to Adam. "...yes..." he said, nearly inaudible.

"I told you she is my daughter. I adopted her, after you did what you did to her. She's mine now. It's my honor to keep her safe from people like you."

Lena's heart filled with love.

"I understand, sir," the dog said, looking at the ground. "Please don't kill me."

"That's not up to me," said Adam. "That's Lena's decision. Only she has that right. Although I will make that decision for her in a heartbeat if you force me to. We will walk back to my car. If you try to run, I will shoot you and kill you. If you try to cry for help, I will shoot you and kill you. If you do anything I tell you not to do, I will shoot you and kill you."

"You c-can't!" the man pleaded. "People will see you. You'll get arrested!"

Adam took in a long slow breath, let it out, then knelt down to eye-level with the man. He positioned the gun directly in the center of his prisoner's forehead. His voice was quiet, calm and devastatingly clear. "If that happens, you'll still be dead. Spending the rest of my life in prison sounds just fine to me if I get to fall asleep every night knowing you'll never breathe again."

Adam stood back up. "Do you understand?"

The dog averted his gaze. "Yes sir, I understand."

"Then get up and walk."



*****



The dog had given them no trouble at all. Adam frisked him first, finding nothing but a Walkman, a wallet and some gum. He walked along silently, as did they. Adam kept the gun nestled in the small of his back at all times. He did not use verbal directions; he just nudged the gun into the dog's back in whatever direction he needed him to turn. When they got to the car, Adam reached into his pocket for the keys and had a brief moment of panic when he couldn't find them. Lena held them up, and for just a moment, they smiled at each other.

The dog went in the trunk without complaint. The car (an old clunker with 'personality problems') was feeling in a helpful mood that day and started with no trouble. Adam drove off and told Lena to be on the lookout for a hardware store. She said she would. This was incredibly surreal for her. The monster from her nightmares was locked up in their trunk.

Lena spotted a hardware store. Adam parked, cut the engine and looked directly at Lena. He asked her if she could be incredibly brave and responsible for just a moment. She gulped, but said yes. Then he said he was going to go inside and buy a few quick things. He placed the gun in her hands. Her eyes widened at how surprisingly heavy it was. He gave her a brief rundown of proper gun safety. He taught her how to take the safety off. He told her that if the dog sounded like he was trying to escape, she should calm herself, line up her shot, then shoot through the backseat and into the trunk. He told her to at least try to miss on her first shot. It was only fair.

Adam left and Lena spent what felt like the next ten years of her life staring into the rear of the car, ears up, paws sweaty on the gun's handle.

Thankfully, the dog kept quiet. Adam was back in less than seven minutes. He found Lena frozen stiff with alertness, her paws trembling. He carefully took the gun from her, checked the safety, then set it on the floor. He pulled her into a great big hug. He thanked her for her bravery and apologized for putting her through that. She said nothing, but she nuzzled his neck and kissed him.

They drove in circles for the next twenty minutes or so. Adam wanted their 'passenger' scared and disoriented. He wasn't exactly sure where they could take him where they'd have privacy. But then Lena spotted an old parking garage where she and her mother had stayed a few times when things got especially bad. She told Adam that no one ever went down to the lowest level. He thanked her and headed that way.

They made their way down the corkscrew-shaped structure to the very bottom level. It was dingy and clammy. Sunlight didn't make it down here. There were amber lights in the ceiling spaced every few feet. Some were broken. There was trash down here; liquor bottles and fast food wrappers.

Adam chose a decently-lit corner and parked. He and Lena got out.

Adam took a stance a few feet back from the car. His hands were on the gun, but he kept it pointed down. "Lena darling, I need you to open the trunk. Open it, then get away." He took one hand off the gun to toss her the keys.

Lena's senses were on such high alert she caught the keys effortlessly by pure reflex. She took a steadying breath. Then she carefully inserted the key in the lock, turned it, and darted away as the lid sprang open.

Adam's voice was clear and firm, "Lock your fingers behind your head. Get out slowly, then lie down on the concrete."

The dog did not need to be told twice. His body language was unmistakable; he knew he was in deep shit and was hoping if he just kept on cooperating he would make it out of this alive.

When the dog was spread out on the ground, Adam took a step forward and aimed the gun directly at the back of his head. "Lena, get the bag from the hardware store," he called out. She nodded and obeyed.

Then he spoke softly to his captive. "My father taught me how to use a gun. He told me that in order to avoid accidents, you must always, always follow certain rules. Do you know what those rules are?" Adam asked on a whim.

"No, man. I've never held a gun in my life."

"You've held a knife though," Adam said.

The man winced with his whole body.

"Lena said you held a knife up to her eye once. To keep her quiet."

The man said nothing, but his breathing sped up.

"One of the most important rules of gun safety is to never, EVER point a gun at anything you do not intend to kill," Adam said. "This gun is pointed at you now. I want you to know that and understand exactly what it means."

"I understand, I understand, I understand..." the man whimpered.

"Here's the bag, Daddy," Lena said.

Adam blinked. He'd almost forgotten she was there. "Good girl. Now, do you think you can take the gun for a little while? I'm going to duct tape his hands and feet."

"Shiiiit..." the man muttered under his breath.

Lena reverently took the gun into her small paws. "I think I can," she said semi-confidently.

"If you're not sure...?" Adam said.

She shook her head. Her mop of hair bounced cutely. "No, I'm sure. I can do this."

He patted her shoulder proudly. "Good girl. You're being such a good girl today. I'm so proud of you."

She looked up to him with a little squeak of happiness.

"Just remember to always be mindful of where the gun is aimed. Keep it pointed towards the ground unless he gives you a reason not to. If you need to pull the trigger, don't be afraid to."

She looked into her Daddy's eyes, deadly serious now. "I promise. Everything you just said."

Trusting in Lena, Adam went to work.



*****



Adam had watched a lot of action movies in his life. One of his hobbies was nitpicking their inaccuracies. This knowledge, which he'd thought was just silly trivia, was turning out to be incredibly useful today.

For instance, even though he'd kept the gun in his car for exactly this purpose, Adam's first instinct upon seeing the man was to knock him out with a blunt object and drag him back to the car. But he knew from his studies that concussions simply didn't work like that. In real life, people are only knocked out for a few seconds. Any longer and the risk of death or permanent brain damage increases. There was a reason anesthesiologists had to study for years and years before they could do their work safely. Even then, it was always a risk.

That was why, although it made things scarier, Adam had taken the man with them alive and awake. He wished he'd thought to bring some handcuffs. But duct tape was just as good. Another movie myth was the idea that you can shut someone up with a piece of it slapped across their mouth. In reality, while it stuck to fur tenaciously, the heat and moisture from someone's mouth would make the tape fall off almost by itself. The only way to make it stay on was to wrap it around and around. Duct tape did not stick well to people, but it stuck very well to itself. Adam bound the dog's wrists and ankles with what felt like half the roll. He completely cocooned the man's fingers. The man did not deserve for this to be a fair fight.

When he was done, Adam walked over to his car and sat down on the trunk. Lena had been perched there the whole time, diligently keeping an eye on their captive and keeping the gun pointed at the ground.

Adam sighed and put his paw on her back. He gently rubbed her shoulders. "Lena, this is your time now. I've done all this for you, and it's completely up to you what happens now. I've made him as helpless as I can. You can do anything you want to him."

"Thank you," she said in a tiny whisper.

He hugged his brave little girl. "Don't be afraid. Remember what he did to you. Even if it hurts, remember it. A lot of people say revenge is a bad thing. But not always. Usually it isn't, but sometimes it is. When someone's done something unforgivable to you, and it's necessary to prevent them from ever hurting anyone else that way ever again, that's when it's a good thing. When it's worth any risk." He paused to delicately kiss her ear. "And also, so that if you ever wake up again from a nightmare about him, you can tell yourself, 'He can't hurt me anymore. I took all his power away. I made him afraid of _me_."

A change came over Lena upon hearing that. Her expression hardened. She sat up straighter, looking at the man who had hurt her.

"I like that idea, Daddy. I like the idea that someday he'll wake up from nightmares about ME."

He patted her back. "Good girl." He picked up the rustly plastic bag from the hardware store. "I didn't know what you'd want to do, so I bought you some, um, 'options'." He took them out of the bag one by one. "I've got a tire iron, a screwdriver and a putty knife. There's also the gun if you want."

Lena flinched at the sight of the shiny new tools. Her mind imagined just what they could do to a furson's body. She wasn't sure she was ready for that yet. "I think for now, I'll just use my fists."

"That's okay," he told her sincerely. "If you don't want to use any of these, that's okay. If you want to use *all* of them, that's okay. I will never judge you for what you do here today. I can't know how much he hurt you. I only know, he deserves _anything_ you choose to do to him. Anything. This is all about you now. This is The Lena Show. You're on now, sweetheart."

She nodded.

"I love you," Adam said, and gave her a quick hug.

"Love you too," she said back.

Then Lena slipped down off the trunk and walked over to the dog in the green jacket.

She thought at first he'd passed out or gone to sleep. He was curled up like a question mark, facing away from them. "Turn around and look at me," she said.

He just shuddered.

"I SAID TURN AROUND AND FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!!"

The man was rolled over and staring at her within a heartbeat. It sounded like the voice of God had just come out of this little eleven-year-old.

Lena stood there in the parking garage with her feet planted apart, her arms crossed, and a harsh fluorescent light behind her. In her eyes boiled a slow fire. She showed not one iota of fear.

"P-please, I'm sorry..." he burbled, spit running out of the corner of his mouth.

He feared her. Lena liked how that felt.

"Almost a year ago, you raped me," she said.

The man shut up, knowing with certainty that if he said another word she would kill him.

Lena took a step forward and knelt on the ground so she could look into his eyes. She kept well out of biting range though. The man looked like he was terrified into harmlessness, but his teeth were still sharp and Lena was not stupid.

"You raped me. I was out getting food that day. Mom had left me alone to go out and look for money, like she did almost every day. I went walking around the city, like I did almost every day. I got hungry, so I went to the alley where those five restaurants were. I was just looking for some food. Then you showed up.

"Do you have any idea how scared I was when you pulled out that knife? I was shaking all over my whole body! I thought I was gonna piss myself! You held it right in my face, and you looked at me with that cold, dead look. Like I was just another garbage bag to you!

"And then you pulled off my clothes, and I was crying, and you made me lay down in the garbage. And you climbed on top of me. And you made my pussy bleed when you put your filthy dick inside me. I remember just staring up at the sky and not knowing whether or not I wanted you to kill me so it'd be over with."

Lena noticed that the man had begun to cry. She savagely slapped him. "NO! You don't get to cry!! You CAUSED this! You made me cry first! You don't get to!"

He nodded shakily.

Lena took a few moments to compose herself. "I almost passed out. I _wished_ I'd pass out. I wished someone would come along and kill you to make you stop. Like a cop or one of the restaurant owners or anybody. I wished I could make myself grab something hard and start hitting you with it. But I couldn't. And I HATED myself for that! I thought I was just weak and too scared. Daddy helped me realize that I was in shock and it wasn't my fault. NONE OF IT WAS MY FAULT!!!"

Lena jumped to her feet and suddenly kicked the man in the mouth. Blood streaked out onto the concrete and her shoe. She did it again. She did it again and again, watching the man convulse with every kick, and didn't stop until she saw him spit out a tooth.

She looked down at him with a hard, hateful stare. "You raped me. It wasn't my fault. It was all yours. You rapist piece of shit. You raped me. You RAPED me." Saying it out loud was frightening, but also freeing. She didn't want to be afraid of that word. She never wanted to let her memories of that day control her with fear. Daddy had helped her along that path, but she'd set herself on it on her own.

The man writhed and moaned. Crimson leaked from his lips in tiny waterfalls.

"After you fucked me," Lena spat, "you picked me up and tossed me in the dumpster. Like I was nothing. You got what you wanted and now I was useless. Worthless. Used up. You threw me in there and I had to pretend like you'd killed me to make you go away. You have no idea how scared I was. Even more scared then when you were fucking me. Because then, at least I could block it out and just go blank. Right then, in the dumpster, I had to concentrate more strongly than on anything I'd ever concentrated before. I had to keep myself limp and not move a muscle. I had to force myself not to breathe. My lungs were on fire! You were standing over me and it felt like years and years!! Then you ran off and I could finally breathe and relax, and I couldn't even cry I hurt so much."

"I d-didn't m-mean to..." the man stammered.

Lena kicked him in the ribs. "Didn't mean to WHAT!? How could you not mean to rape me!?"

"Not that." He had to speak slowly and carefully. His mouth felt like a hornet's nest. "I thought I killed you. I panicked and ran. Like a coward. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

Lena squatted down, staring hard into his eyes. He seemed to be telling the truth. Somehow, that just made her hate him more. He wasn't the evil heartless monster she'd thought he was. He was just weak. In person, he was so much ...*less* than her nightmares had made him. How had this nothing, this dishrag, this spineless bug of a man hurt her so much?

"You didn't mean to. But you did," Lena said. "I just want to know... Why?"

"It wasn't pershonal," he slurred. He spat out a mouthful of blood and Lena flinched back. "I just saw you and... I didn't think. I can't get a girl. No one wants me. I'm so lonely. I fucking hate it. I just saw you and I got horny and I thought no one would find out."

Lena's face curled into a sneer of unimaginable disgust. She couldn't believe anyone could be so petty. "You were lonely 'cause you couldn't get a date? So you raped a little girl!? You sick asshole!!"

"I am, I am, I am," he moaned. "I... I can't say anything. I can't justify it. I just did it. I didn't think."

Lena leaned in close to yank on his hair, forcing him to look in her eyes. "Did you ever do it to anyone else?"

He stared, wide-eyed, silently for a moment. She already knew the answer, but she needed to hear him say it. Finally the man's cowardice won out over his shame. Lena's iron gaze dragged it out of him. "...Yes."

"Before me? After me?" she asked.

"...Yes," he said again. One answer for both questions.

Lena turned and strode furiously back to the car.

"Gimme that tire iron."

Adam handed it over immediately.

Not pausing, not hesitating, Lena walked back over to the man and began to beat him.

Lena let herself get lost in the rhythm of raising the metal rod, bringing it down, feeling the soft 'thwack' as it hit, sometimes feeling the crunch of bone, then raising the tire iron again. And again. She drowned out his screams for a while, then couldn't take how pathetically irritating they sounded. She dropped the tire iron on the concrete. It clanged musically. Lena ran to get the duct tape and proceeded to wrap damn near his entire head up. She stuffed a wad of it in his mouth first, then with her teeth set in a scowl, she wrapped it around and around his muzzle. Her work was sloppy and merciless. Blood got all over her hands. She didn't care. She just wanted to shut him up. He didn't deserve to say anything to her. He didn't even deserve to make sounds at her. He didn't deserve anything but to feel what he'd made her feel.

Lena picked the tire iron up again. She raised it high, kneaded the metal in her grip, then brought the curved end down right on his shoulder. She heard it crack. From his taped-up muzzle she heard a low, long, strangled cry of sheer misery. She laughed at him. How dare he! How dare he complain about this pain when he'd caused so much?

Methodically, yet without conscious thought, Lena went up and down his body with the tire iron. Breaking ribs, fingers and toes; causing uncountable other fractures.

Then, when she was ready, she stopped.

She dropped the tire iron, never wanting to touch it ever again. She wiped the blood off her hands onto her T-shirt. Then she wiped her tears off onto her sleeve.

She stood there, just breathing.

She didn't know if she was ashamed of herself or not. She was certainly surprised. She had no idea she was capable of this. Sure, she'd imagined doing stuff like this to him before. But that was just fantasies. She'd laid in bed some nights, replaying the rape over in her mind, imagining how it could have happened differently. She imagined herself fighting back. She imagined herself as a superhero, tracking the bad guy down and beating him up.

This wasn't like her fantasies. This was... awful. There wasn't much blood, but it still scared her. It stank. That coppery smell filled her nose and felt like it would never go away. For a second, she wondered why she'd ever wanted this.

Then she remembered what he'd confessed to. She remembered that this wasn't just for her. This was about more than just her own pain. Lena tried to imagine the other girls he'd raped. Had they all been her age? Had they been younger? Maybe he was one of those guys who broke into houses and raped old ladies because they couldn't fight back. He definitely seemed that cowardly. He didn't care who he hurt. All he thought about was 'Poor me! No one will screw me!'.

Lena kicked the man to make sure he was still listening. "I bet you wish right now you'd just stuck to masturbating, huh?"

(From behind her, she heard Adam chuckle.)

The man wailed something unintelligible under all the layers of tape. It didn't sound like cries of pain. It sounded like he was really trying to say something.

Lena was curious what he could possibly have to say to her now. "I can't understand you! Shut up for a second and I'll cut the tape off."

She walked back to the car. "Would that putty knife cut tape?" she asked.

Adam glanced at the flat blade. "Probably not. It was the only knife I saw; I didn't want to spend a lot of time in there with you in the car."

Lena remembered being in the car, holding the gun, scared out of her mind. That seemed like forever ago.

"I got a little pocketknife," Adam remembered. He hopped down off the hood and went to retrieve it from the glove compartment. It was oval and green. He dropped it in Lena's hands.

She opened it up and looked at the little blade.

"How do you feel?" he asked, trying his best to sound neutral. Her savagery had startled him, but he knew she'd earned her right to it.

"I don't know," Lena said truthfully. "A little sick. Kinda glad and kinda ashamed. I don't think I'll know what I feel until after this is over."

He patted her hair. "Understandable. Whatever you end up feeling. I'll be there for you."

She managed a small smile. "Thanks, Daddy."

She turned and walked back to the man.

He flinched and started squirming when he saw the knife.

"Oh, don't be such a baby!" she said, exasperated. "I'm just gonna cut the duct tape off. Be still or I'll cut your nuts off too!" He got still. Lena laughed and started hacking away at the tape.

She surprised herself with how gentle she was, considering how berserker she'd been a moment ago. She guessed that she simply wanted that to be over. She didn't want to be like that anymore. She'd vented her rage. She was done.

When there was a big enough hole in the tape for the dog to speak from, he sucked in a huge breath of air and started babbling a mile a minute. "PLEASE!!! Oh God let me go!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Fuck! Jesus! I'll never hurt anyone ever again! EVER AGAIN!!! I PROMISE!!! Jesus Christ it hurts so fuckin' bad! It feels like my ribs are all busted. I think you popped one of my lungs. I taste blood. Please, shit, fuck, Jesus, oh fuck, let me go! Cut me loose! I'll never again! Goddamit, please!!"

Lena stood back, not knowing what to feel about this. Should she show this asshole mercy? Did he deserve it?

"We can't," came a clear voice from behind them.

Adam's footfalls echoed slightly as he stood up and came closer. He loomed over the broken man. "We can't just let you go."

"What do you mean!? I swear I'll never tell! I SWEAR!!! You don't even have to cut me loose! Just go! Drive away! I'll crawl up to the street somehow! Just please, Jesus, let me get to a fuckin' hospital! My ribs!!!"

"Shut up for a second and listen," Adam said softly.

The dog bit his lip to keep himself quiet.

"The reason why we can't, is because you obviously can't help yourself. You're addicted. I'm sure that right now you believe it when you say you'll never hurt anyone else ever again. But you're lying. You can't help it. You don't even realize it. Right now you would say anything, absolutely anything, to get out of here alive. None of it means anything. We can't trust a word of it. So we have to find some way of making *sure* you'll never hurt anyone again like you hurt Lena."

The man's pupils widened. "Oh fuck... What do you mean?"

Adam bent over to whisper in Lena's ear. She looked shocked for a second, then she giggled. "That sounds totally fair."

"What? What!?"

Lena turned to the bloody wreck on the concrete. She grinned at him, and enjoyed his look of total terror. "You've got two choices. If we let you go now, you'll get well eventually and then, as soon as you think you can get away with it, you'll be sticking your dick in some little girl again."

"No! NO!!! I SWEAR!!! I-"

"Shut the hell up," Lena said dismissively. "I don't care."

The man shut up.

"You've got two choices," Lena said to him. "One: we can kill you. Boom! One shot to the head. It'd be over quick and there'd be no more pain for you."

"No... Please..." the man whined.

"Choice number two..." Lena's lips turned up in a savage grin. "We cut your junk off."

"WHAT?!?"

"You can't stick it in anyone if you don't have it anymore, right?" she said playfully.

The dog in the green jacket looked back and forth between the two of them. Then something in him changed. His expression turned hard.

"FUCK YOU!!!" he roared, spitting blood at them both.

Adam and Lena both jumped back.

"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!!!" the dog screeched. "I never hurt anyone!!! You fuckin' beat me half to death with a tire iron, you little bitch! You think you're any better than me!? All I did was get some pussy. No one got hurt! I got what I wanted, and I never hurt any of them! I never punched them or cut them or anything. And you know what? Most of them wanted it! Like YOU, you slut whore! You little cocktease lying BITCH!!"

Adam made a move to kick the bastard's head right off his neck, but Lena stopped him. He looked at her, puzzled. Lena simply kept her eyes on the man at her feet, letting him tell his lies.

"You're all quiet now. I know why. Because you know I'm right!! You! Fucking! Wanted! It!! I didn't break your fuckin' little cooze. I didn't pop your cherry. My shit slid in smooth as fucking silk, you lying cunt. You LIAR!!!"

Adam said nothing, but looked at Lena.

Her cheeks were red and hot. "I didn't lie," she said quietly.

"YES YOU D-"

Lena had the tire iron in her hands so fast it was like a magic trick. "You shut up now or this is going in your EYE!!!"

He shut up.

Lena turned away from him to look up at her Daddy. She hadn't told him this part of the story before. But she had to now. She had to, because it was the truth. Because her Daddy deserved her trust, and she knew he would love her even if he knew the truth about her.

She took her Daddy's paws in hers. "I wasn't a virgin when he raped me," she said.

Adam gulped and staggered a little, but kept himself from saying anything.

Lena appreciated that. "I mean... I didn't actually have sex with anyone else. But I knew about it. I wasn't stupid. And... since Mom was gone away so often... I'd find someplace no one would see me and... Y'know. Play with myself."

Adam breathed a sigh of relief. "Sweetheart, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone on the whole planet does that sometimes."

She blushed some more and looked away. "I know. But I still felt like I was doing something dirty. Like I had to keep it a secret. I was, um, down there one day and I got to pushing real hard and something just... broke. I thought I'd broken it for real! I thought 'Oh shit! I ruined it! I'm bleeding! I'm gonna die!'"

Adam couldn't help a small laugh and pulled her close in a hug. "I repeat: Perfectly normal. Nothing to be ashamed of."

"Okay. Thank you," Lena said. "I kinda already knew you wouldn't hate me or anything, but I think I needed to hear it."

"It's allright, Lena. I-"

Lena's eyes suddenly widened. "Oh fuck YOU!!!"

Adam was completely baffled for a second before he realized where she was looking.

...At the crotch of the man who she'd just got done beating half to death.

"He's got a boner!!" she shrieked. "I can't believe it! He got a boner listening to me talk about diddling myself! What the HELL!? How is that even possible!?"

The man said nothing. He just ground his face into the concrete, wanting to close his eyes and just make everything go away.

Lena realized then. "You'll never change. You can't be sorry. Even if we cut off your nasty prick and nutsack and let you go, you'd still hurt someone somehow because you're just SLIME!"

The man sobbed a little, but didn't deny it.

Lena scowled. "Don't you cry! A second ago you were calling me a lying bitch!"

"Just stop..." he moaned. "Please, stop."

Lena felt outrage boil through her whole body. How DARE he...

She knelt down directly in front of him and pulled his head up by his hair. She took his snout in both her hands, digging her little rat claws in, and forced him to listen to her. "This doesn't stop when you want it to. It stops when _I_ want it to.

"And I finally know what I'm going to do with you."

He flinched. She smiled. "But I'll keep that as my little secret for now. Right now I need to tell you something else. Something I thought I'd never tell anyone else in my whole life. Something I've felt awful about and been ashamed of ever since it happened. Something I thought I'd never say in front of my Daddy because of how just gross and repulsive it is."

Adam put a hand up. "You don't have to..."

Tears were in her eyes now. "Yes, I have to." She looked down at the concrete; all the tiny little pits and dots. Her tears blurred them. "I have to, because I trust you so much and you've been such a good Daddy that you deserve to hear the whole truth about me, even if it's ugly."

She looked back at her rapist again, digging her claws in deep. "And I need to let YOU know just how bad you FUCKED UP!!"

She could see in his eyes he had no idea what she was talking about. Not surprising.

She stared deep into his eyes, not seeing anything. It took all her strength just to remember that moment and speak of it for the first time. "That day, in the alley... When I first saw you, that first moment, I knew what you wanted. I just knew somehow. Maybe I could smell it, I dunno. I'd found a porno magazine once. I knew what a cock looked like. Sometimes I looked at that magazine when I played with my pussy. I thought about what a cock would feel like and smell like. I wanted to try one out. I thought about what it'd be like if I was the women in those pictures."

Despite his fear, the man's jeans were a fully pitched tent.

Lena just laughed at him. "Does that turn you on? Good. 'Cause now I'm gonna tell you just how stupid you are."

She stood up. She looked down at him. She steeled herself. Then she said it. The thing that had chewed on her soul every single night since it had happened. The truth she hated more than anything else about herself.

"IF YOU'D JUST ASKED ME, I WOULD HAVE SAID YES!"

Then she kicked him in the nose.

He howled and curled up in a ball of agony. He reflexively tried to cradle his snout but his hands were immobile, taped behind his back.

Lena walked around him, tears spilling down her cheeks, snot running from her nose. She punctuated her words with little kicks all over. "I knew about sex. There were these three hookers from a few streets over who Mom would leave me with sometimes and they'd babysit me. They were really nice and they always took good care of me and gave me food and made me feel safe. Sometimes I heard them talking when they thought I was asleep. They said stuff that almost made my pussy explode. I wanted to try everything they talked about, even if it sounded kinda gross. 'Cause I'd never done it before and it was exciting and I was curious.

"You dumb shit!!! If you'd just been nice enough to fucking ASK me, I would have let you! You didn't need your damn knife! You didn't need to take it from me! You didn't need to STEAL it from me!! And make me scared! And make me hate myself! And throw me in a dumpster afterwards!! You could have just asked, and I would have maybe asked for some money or food or something in return, then we could've had a good experience and you could have gone home happy and I could have been happy too. But no. Instead, you RAPED ME AND KILLED ME!!!" With these last words she spat right in his face.

"I didn't kill you," he said in confusion.

Lena's eyes narrowed. "Yes you did."

Adam had the good sense to take a few steps back. He knew whatever Lena was about to do, it was likely to get real messy real quick.

Lena felt her heart revving up like an engine. She felt her breath quicken. She felt shame fall away like a husk and righteous fury take its place. "I stayed in that dumpster you threw me in. I stayed there all night, and I didn't care. I felt like trash and I wanted to be trash and just let the garbage truck come and take me away so it'd all be over and it wouldn't hurt anymore. And that's exactly what happened. The truck came. I went in. And it killed me. It crushed me to death."

"Bullshit," said the dog. Yet something about her was starting to scare him more than ever now.

"You don't believe me?" Lena asked sweetly. "Then let me show you! Try to get your rocks off to this, shitbag!"

Lena pulled off her shirt and her pants were next. The dog was completely confused now. Was she going to try to rape him back!?

The ratgirl's panties came off too, leaving her in just her socks. "Watch!" she said with a grin. Then she reached into her bellybutton and pulled it as wide as a ship's porthole.

The man on the ground began to scream.

Inside of Lena was a green swamp of hellish, unfathomable filth. The stench that came out of it was like having handfuls of nails shoved up his nose. Like all the garbage in the world had been mixed with all the sewer water in the world, then concentrated into one tiny space. Horrible, blobulent things dripped and oozed from within. Green drips slid out from the stretched hole to drool down Lena's legs.

"LOOK AT ME!" Lena cackled. "AREN'T I SEXY!?"

Laughing insanely, she tipped back her head and let her stomach-hole vomit up a week's worth of digested garbage directly onto the man's face.

He thrashed like a fish in a net. He kicked, he screamed, he flailed. It was useless. Adam had taped him up nice and snug. He was going nowhere. The seemingly endless shower of green filth poured all over him like a tipped-over porta-potty. Lena didn't know if he could hear her laughter and she didn't give a flying fuck.

But she wanted him to hear her last words to him, so she stopped her unholy flow and let him sputter and cough.

"Now it's time for my secret!" she said gleefully. "Remember how I said I finally knew what I was gonna do with you? Well guess what!? You wanted to be inside me so bad..."

"NO! NO! NOOO!!!!"

"Fuck yeah!" Lena said, and shoved his head right into her gaping navel of doom.

Oh, he fought. But it was useless. Since becoming a trash-zombie, Lena's body had adapted to taking in nutrition through any and every hole. She was still getting used to the taste of certain things, so normally it was easiest to just cram stuff in her bellybutton. Quick, easy and she didn't have to taste the nastier stuff. And she had no desire to taste this nasty dumb piece of shit.

He bucked and wobbled and she could hear his screams echoing inside her. But she didn't care. She loved it. There was no doubt and no hesitation. If this made her a monster, then he was the one responsible for creating her. He was her Frankenstein. So this was what he deserved. Dying with his mouth full of liquid trash inside her squishy septic tank tummy was more merciful than what he deserved.

Lena kept on laughing as she fed more of him inside. His shoulders had given her a little trouble, but her tummy proved its stretchiness and got over them eventually. From then on it was smooth sailing. He wiggled a lot, but her stomach had a good grip on him now. There was no escape.

Lena moaned at how amazingly full she felt. This was wonderful! Adam had treated her to her very first Thanksgiving dinner last year and she'd stuffed herself nearly comatose that night. But that was *nothing* compared to this! She felt her body stretch and stretch, seemingly endless. It felt so good!

Just as her stupid rapist had thrown her in the trash after he was done with her, she was doing the same. Putting trash in its proper place!

Finally, there were just two wiggling shoes left. Lena slurped them up with one last little squirt of belly fluid. The parking garage floor had been stained with blood before, but now the noxious green *easily* covered up all the red. Lena patted her tummy and sighed contentedly.

She looked down at herself and was dumbstruck. She thought she ought to be big as a house by now. She'd just eaten a whole *man*, for crying out loud! But her belly hadn't grown a bit. She was still as slim as she was yesterday. "That's weird," she said.

Then she remembered Daddy.

'Oh shit,' said her brain.

He'd watched her the whole time. Could he possibly still feel the same about her after seeing her do something so, well... monstrous?

Yet when she turned around, expecting him to be puking his guts out, instead he looked amused. And a little impressed.

He shrugged. "I had no idea you could do that," was all he could think of to say.

"You don't hate me now?" she asked bashfully. "You don't wanna run me out of town with pitchforks and stuff?"

He shook his head, smiling. "I already knew you were a trash zombie. I knew it from the first moment I laid eyes on you. If it bothered me, would I have taken you in? Cared for you? You're my cuddly little rattycakes, no matter what. I told you I wouldn't judge you no matter what you did tonight." He looked down at the river of gook Lena had produced as it slowly rolled down the garage's slight incline. "Although I gotta say, that was actually pretty cool."

"Seriously!?"

He held his arms open for a hug. "I guess I'm weird. But I don't care. Come here, little Lena."

Lena ran to him. Her heart took flight as she opened her arms and was enveloped in Adam's embrace. He picked her up and held her close. He didn't care that her green gunk was soiling his favorite jacket. He didn't care that she smelled like a sewage explosion. He didn't care, because past all that horror movie stuff was a bright, loving, generous little girl who he loved unconditionally. Lena could feel all of that in his hug. It felt better than anything else in the world. To be true to herself, completely true, and to still be loved. To have someone know all her secrets and not love her any less. To know that despite everything about her that other people might run screaming from, there was at least one wonderful skunk in the world who loved her despite it. *Because* of it.

Because everything about her, good or bad, made her Lena.

Adam's nose wrinkled. "Phew! You stink, little girl!" he said teasingly

She giggled. "Yeah, I kinda do. I think this is the worst I've ever smelled in my whole life!"

"A new world's record!" he said.

"Yaaay!"

"You wanna go home and wash off?"

"Definitely! I'm probably gonna ruin the car though."

Adam shrugged. "It's a piece of crap and we need a new one anyway."

Her whiskers perked up. "Ooh! We should buy our own garbage truck!"

She'd said it as a joke, but Adam considered the idea. "Maybe. Someone's probably selling one somewhere."



*****



On the ride home, the duo's euphoria began to wear off a bit. The reality of what they'd done began to sink in.

The sun was starting to set. Lena looked over to Adam. She was sitting on a tarp in the backseat. "Um... Do you think the cops are gonna come after us?"

Adam tried to keep his eyes on the road. "I don't know. Most of what I know about policework comes from cop shows, and who knows how accurate or inaccurate that stuff is. Regardless, I don't think it would be a bad idea to start planning on moving to another town."

Lena nodded vigorously.

"Actually though, you may have helped us get away scot free."

"Howzat?"

"Well, your tummy tsunami covered up all the bloodstains. Whoever eventually finds that mess will probably think something other than 'crime scene' when they see it. They might just mop it up and never think anything happened there but some kind of waste truck accident."

"Hey, yeah!" Lena was somewhat proud of herself for inadvertently providing their cover. But then she thought about exactly what she'd done. "Jeeze... I *ate* a guy tonight. I actually killed someone. I feel weird about that."

Adam was quiet for a moment, then when he paused at a red light, he reached back briefly to pat her cheek. "It's okay that you feel conflicted. You probably should. It's not something to be taken lightly. But keep in mind that you had good reason for doing what you did." The light had changed without him realizing it and he stepped on the gas to avoid the people behind him thinking he was an idiot. "I don't blame you for what you did. Not at all. You were right when you said he'd probably never change. Some people are like that."

Lena leaned forward against the seat backs. "But what if I was wrong? What if he would have changed, and now he'll never have that chance 'cause I'm digesting him?"

"Well then," Adam said, "think of what he did to you. And what he did to who knows how many other furs. Sometimes..." He bit his lip, knowing that this was a bitter truth. "Sometimes, rarely, there are people who should never be forgiven. People who do things so heinous that nothing they could ever, ever do could possibly make up for it. And of course, you made a good point and you're right; we can't know if he would have changed. He might have. But he also might have done worse things too."

Lena considered that.

"Think of it this way," said Adam, "Imagine a big letter 'T' where one side of the top part is way bigger than the other part. If you stand it up, what'll happen?"

"It'll fall over."

"Yes, but in which direction?"

"Um, towards the side with the bigger top part? Because it weighs more?" She looked lost. "Is this a math thing?"

He chuckled. "No, I'm just bad at metaphors. Anyway, um, the lopsided T would fall in the direction of the bigger, heavier part, right? Well, maybe not every time. Maybe something would happen that would cause it to fall towards the smaller side. But that's unlikely, isn't it? What's more likely is that it'll keep on falling in the direction it usually falls."

Lena thought she understood. "So... people are like that? People usually just keep doing the same things they've always done?" That thought was a little uncomfortable.

"Not always," Adam corrected. He thought of a better analogy. "It's like a boat on a river. If you do nothing, you'll just go along with the flow. If you want to change course, you have to paddle. And that takes work. And... some people either can't or won't bother paddling. Sadly, a lot of people are like this."

Adam looked away from the road just long enough to give Lena a quick nuzzle. "You should always give people the benefit of the doubt. Always assume the best of them. Unless they give you a reason not to. Be realistic, is what I'm saying. Give people a chance to be good, but if their actions let you know they have no intention of..." He trailed off. "Am I making any sense?"

She giggled. "Sorta. I think I get it. Basically, you were saying that the creep I ate more than likely woulda kept on hurting people, because he already hurt so many other people, including me. But I stopped him. Now he can't anymore."

Adam smiled. "Yes. That sums it up pretty good." He reached back to give her a pat. "You're so smart."

She squeaked happily.

"But still stinkalicious," he teased.



*****



Adam pulled into the apartment complex's parking lot and wished again that they lived in a normal house instead. A normal house would have a backyard, and he could park the car there and simply hose it and Lena off at the same time. Instead, they had to play their usual game of let's-sneak-upstairs-without-anyone-noticing-us. Only this time with added stink and green stuff dripping on the hallway carpet.

Thankfully, fate was kind. Lena headed straight for the shower. Adam advised her to use the hottest water she could stand and ALL the fur shampoo in the house, whether she thought she needed it or not. He was going to run down to the drug store across the block and get some more.

Lena enjoyed her shower. She also enjoyed the time alone with her thoughts. She realized that she really didn't feel bad about gobbling up her rapist. If she felt bad at all, it was simply because it seemed like she was expected to. Like how in the movies people were always crying and moaning with regret if they ever killed someone. (Then again, in plenty of other movies, some guy would kill fifty dudes then have sex with the girl in a cool car.) Lena felt how she felt, and didn't care what anyone else thought. Except Daddy of course. And she believed he was sincere about not being freaked out or horrified.

Simply put, the dog in the green jacket had hurt her. He'd hurt her worse than anyone else had ever hurt her in her whole life. It had been nearly a year since then, and every single day she'd been reminded of it. She had spent months dead in a landfill because of him, nearly in limbo. She had no conscious thought but she could still feel. It was like being stuck in a nightmare the entire time. After Daddy resurrected her, the nightmares didn't stop. She'd hated herself for not doing things differently when she'd been attacked. But she knew that was just her inner worries lying to her. What had happened, happened. Just like what had happened tonight happened. She couldn't change it now. In the end, the worst moment of her life had led to a new life with a new, wonderful Daddy who loved her no matter what.

Was it all worth it?

Lena didn't think she could answer that, even to herself. So she asked instead, 'If I had a time machine, would I go back and stop it from happening? Knowing that I'd have my normal homeless life probably forever? And I'd never end up a trash zombie? And I'd never meet Daddy?'

The hot water rained down around her, splattering on the tub floor, as suds ran down her fur.

'I don't think I would. I think... I'm happy now. Even with all the horrible stuff that happened, right now, I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm in an apartment. I have food and clothes and toys and plushies. I have Daddy. I don't know if I can say getting raped and killed was worth it, but I can say that I'm happy now.'

She smiled to herself. Her heart felt lighter than it had in a long time.

The bathroom door opened. "Wow, you really steamed up the place! It's like a sauna in here. Anyway, I got more shampoo if you need it. It's on the toilet tank. See you when you get out."

Lena giggled. 'I love my silly Daddy,' she thought.



*****



Adam didn't think Lena would be hungry after her big 'meal' earlier, but he was ravenous, so he heated up some frozen stir-fry stuff and ate half a pan before Lena emerged. The bathroom door opened and it was like she'd been stockpiling fog machines in there. A typhoon of steam rolled out. Thence came Lena, wrapped in a towel, smiling beautifully.

Adam couldn't put words to how happy he was to see that smile.

She joined him at the dinner table. She was a bit hungry too, surprisingly, and finished off the last 1/4 of his stir-fry, plus a banana and some soda. And some cookies.

For the next few hours, they sat at the table together and discussed moving plans. Adam said he wasn't worried about college, since they had other campuses in other states. He was sure there'd be some way of transferring his credits. Plus there would have to be a dump nearby so Lena would have lots of energy-rich trash to munch. Adam didn't think money would be too much of a problem. If worse came to worse, he could get a loan from his mom and dad. Or maybe just move back in with them for a little while. Lena said she'd love to finally meet her new grandparents. Adam admitted he had no idea whether they should try to keep her undead-ness a secret or just tell the truth and hope nobody fainted.

Eventually, Lena was yawning. Adam suggested bedtime and she agreed.

But surprisingly, when Adam went off to his own bedroom, Lena showed up a moment later with her pillow under one arm and her plush mouse Caroline under the other. "Do you mind...?"

Adam patted the sheet beside him. "All aboard."

Lena leapt onto the bed, pajamas fluttering like a cape. She snuggled in beside him making happy sounds.

Adam clicked off the light. The room went dark, with a bit of moonlight and citylight streaking in through the top of the window.

He sniffed. "You still stink a bit. How much shampoo did you use?"

"Gallons," she giggled.

"Oh well. I guess I'll just have to put up with sharing a house with the stinkiest li'l ratgirl ever." He tickled her sides and she squeaked and wiggled about.

Lena relished being teased and tickled. She loved that Adam didn't mind her stinkiness. She was rather proud of it sometimes, truth be told.

That reminded her of another truth she'd told earlier. "Daddy...?"

"Hm?"

Lena held her stuffed mousie tight. "I know you're probably gonna say it's okay and you still love me, but I still need to hear it, okay?"

"What about, sweetheart?"

Her cheeks got hot with shame. "Um, when I told him, the part about... if he'd just asked...?"

Adam nodded. "I can see why that tore you up inside for so long. But you're right; I am going to say it's okay and that I still love you."

She sighed a little with relief. It was strange how she could know something in her heart, yet it wouldn't feel real until she'd heard proof of it. "Thank you. Still... I feel kinda... dirty about that."

"Why? Because you had perfectly normal sexual urges? You might be a bit of an early bloomer, but considering all the time you had on your hands, it's not surprising."

"It's just... I had those kinda thoughts about *him* for a second. Eww."

Adam pulled her closer. He kissed her forehead. "A while ago, there was a psychology book I read, and there was a section on rape; about its victims and what they go through. I read something that genuinely surprised me. It said that a lot of rape victims, including children, have to be told that it's extremely common, almost universal, for some part of them, mental or physical, to have enjoyed some part of it."

Lena pulled away enough to look into Adam's eyes. Had she heard that right? "What?"

"It's just biology. If a bee stings you, can you help it if it hurts?"

"Well, no."

"If you get something stuck in your throat, you cough. If you get something in your eye, you blink. These are reflexes. They are wired into us. Our bodies react without thought to certain stimulation." He patted her shoulder. "And our genitals are hard-wired to feel pleasure. Our brains are hard-wired to feel arousal sometimes. It doesn't make us bad, no matter what anyone says. _Anyone_. Our society's really got its panties in an uproar about sex, but it's literally the number one reason why life exists on this planet. Without reproduction, there is no life. How can that be a bad thing?"

Lena nodded. "When he called me a 'slut whore', it really hurt. 'Cause I'd called myself those words sometimes."

Adam was flustered for a moment, wanting to say something comforting about that, but not knowing what.

Lena continued though. "But remember Daisy, Dawn and Frieda? We met them today, remember? The three nice hookers? What I told him about them babysitting me; that's why they were as glad to see me this afternoon. They're some of the most generous, big-hearted furs I've ever known."

She looked into Adam's eyes. "Those words he called me... They're just lies, aren't they?"

Adam hugged her again. "Yes they are. They absolutely are. I'm very, very proud of you for realizing that."

"Thank you," Lena said.

"And there's something I want you to always remember. Think of those cruel words he said. How he tried to make you feel bad for exploring your own beautiful body and being excited at the idea of trying new things with it. He tried to make you feel bad about that... Yet look how fucked-up in the head *he* was about sex. Am I right?"

Lena laughed. "I hadn't thought of that! Wow, talk about the pot calling the kettle black, huh?"

Adam shook his head. "Not at all. In that phrase, both the pot and kettle are black, so they're both equal. No; what he said was more like... The monster calling the beautiful princess heroine a monster too."

Lena squeaked and squeezed him tight.

"You like that idea?" he asked.

"Yes. Very much."

Adam gently kissed his beautiful, wonderful, unique adopted daughter between her cute ratty ears. "Then I'm happy. Now let's get some sleep."

She yawned. "Okay. G'night, Daddy."

"Goodnight Lena. Have good dreams tonight; you deserve them."

She snuggled up against him and wrapped her arms around his waist. She thought that even if she did have scary dreams tonight, when she woke up she could finally tell herself that they were *only* dreams. They could never come true now. She had ended her nightmare.

It was over.




	The End
	for now...





AUTHOR'S NOTES
*****

This story struggled inside of me for an incredibly long time. It's always been a part of Lena's backstory, even though there was no place to put it in Down In The Dumps. The first time I tried writing 'Confessions' was back in 2005. That draft was sloppy and everything in it felt fake. I tried again later that year. It came out better that time, but somehow I lost momentum on it.

Recently, I've been dealing with an unpleasant patch in my life. I had a lot of strong, frustrating feelings inside me, with no good way of letting them out. Then, on a whim, I decided that maybe it was time to try telling this story again. I wrote it out in less than 24 hours. I can't remember the last time I've done that. Maybe I had this one stuck in my throat and it needed to finally come out. <shrug>

I'm happy with it though. I think when I tried writing it before, I didn't have the facts or experience to write it as real as it needed to be. I've thought a lot about rape since then; how our society views it and sex crimes in general. I'm glad I was able to subvert some of the expectations of the usual 'victim gets revenge' story. I could have ended the story right after Lena ate him; everything all wrapped up in a tidy happy ending. But life isn't like that. Life doesn't fade to black at convenient moments. That's also why I didn't 'cut away' when Lena went to work on him with a tire iron. This was not meant to be an easy catharsis. Morality isn't easy. I'm glad I was able to poke some holes in the typical Hollywood ideas of how revenge works. Revenge is messy, and it can't be done halfway. In real life, if you want revenge there's no way to get it without dirtying your hands. The true question of revenge is if you're willing to stoop down below your enemy's level. Is it worth it? Can you live with yourself afterwards? There is no one 'right' answer to those questions. It's different for every single person in every single situation. Morality is never one-size-fits-all. I wanted Lena and Adam to feel uncomfortable with their decision, because vengeance should be uncomfortable. Even things that are morally right can feel wrong. Sometimes we have to do things that no one should want to do, but they have to be done by someone.

By the way, I'm also glad that I was able to put so much of Adam and Lena's backstory into this. I have tons and tons of ideas for them that I haven't written out yet. Like when they finally do meet her mother. Like how Adam winds up becoming wealthy enough to buy Justin's dump. Like what happens on the train ride Justin and Lena take to meet their new grandparents. This family has lived all sorts of adventures that currently only I know about. You'll just have to wait. ;)

Once again, massive thanks go to mi amigo Alfador, for his lightning-quick response when I asked him to proofread this. You rock!!





"Confessions Of A Ratgirl"
First draft started 03/05/05, Current draft started 06/12/11, Finished 06/13/11, Editing completed 07/05/11