Tilda Swinton's Butthole Patrol a Grimbly, a Snooker, a Blaghnumny by That Hole In The Ground Over There Meanwhile, UTAH!! Now that I think about it, there's probably an entire list of things that dogs don't know aren't bacon. "We go now live to our foreign correspondent, Lisa Bloodstream, standing in a cornfield with a picture of a cow around her neck. Lisa?" "I'm here, Crunkmaster June. As you can see, this cornfield is nowhere near the site of the brutal attacks I'm reporting on. Police are saying this is the fifth reported incident of toothbrushes being stuck up unwilling stranger's butts this month. Could we be looking at a serial toothbrush-up-the-butter?" "I can't believe it's not a toothbrush-up-the-butter." And then poor Lisa got eaten by a toupee. And the toupee was eaten by a great big frog who smoked a lot of weed on Sundays. Meanwhile, Joshula Betterworse sat shivering in his kitchen staring in urine-soaked terror at the can of peas that knew how to knit. Also, I once won Olympic gold in racing shopping carts up and down hospital corridors. Fudge giraffe. Colombian ice bean soup; serves three. James Woods eats only the hindpaws of hedgehogs. The rest he saves for his pet piranha, Mittens. It's kind of insane to name a fish 'Mittens' though, don't you think? Not only do they lack hands, which mittens are wont to attach to, but the price of beef is skyrocketing in Thailand. Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Sperglords. I once had a dream that Muhammad Ali was sitting on my chest, making intense eye contact with me while evacuuating slowly into a red dog dish. Then Margaret Thatcher with the body of a chihuahuahua came along and ate it. Then a bunch of planets collided with the sun and invented coleslaw. "Wait a minute! I've I've been sleeping with this can of peas all night, where are my wife and son!?" Spelunking in K-Mart. Baconators must have been designed by the goddess Hermesthrophel one night when she was craving something to throw paint cans at. I haven't slept in eighty-three hundred minutes. My hot cocoa has gone cold; heads will roll for this. Heads will sit up and beg for this. Heads will fetch me my slippers for this. Heads will run an obstacle course and be rewarded with Beggin' Strips for this. (Dogs don't know it's not bacon. Dogs also don't know Paula Deen's a lesbian.) "At Six Flags, they molest their mentally handicapped employees behind the roller coasters." Meanwhile, the Thugee death cult were engaging in thuggery. Meanwhile, I was using a humongous mortar and pestle to try to create powdered great dane. Great danes are great but Dane Cook is not. Mysteries of the universe. Then Natalie Portman shrunk down to the size of a strawberry and had all sorts of merry adventures frolicking in the shag carpet and getting mouthfucked by fieldmice. Then Keanu Reeves exploded. Then a toilet somewhere began to produce hundreds of gallons of foul-smelling potato salad. Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Fucktoys. Once upon a time when I was removing the veins from my leg with a can opener, I paused for a moment to notice the subtle hue of blue in the early evening sky, and also to notice that the sparrows were flying away with my car. Better call Kevin Bacon. (If anyone gets that reference, one billion points to Gryffendor.) In other news, Deadpool has been apprehended after bursting into a Presbyterian wedding and devouring the entire cake in front of baffled, bawling youngsters. I have nail clippers. Pokemon are a vast conspiracy to make Russians stink. Fisting a butthole feels like wrapping your hand in a tub of warmed-up pancake batter. Then Imelda Marcos threw a semi truck at Norway. Few people know that papercuts, when applied to the anus, can not only cure glaucoma, but also produce the kind of intense, searing pain that comes in really useful when the in-laws show up. If you were married to a bear, would you have in-claws? Madonna cries porkchops. Meanwhile LeBron James was fishing his keys out of the kitchen garbage disposal. Or as he sometimes referred to her, "Wife". Then lemonade started coming out of Danny DeVito's head. Then multiple pumpkins started appearing over Uruguay. Horse smell. I am unable to define the sum of all integers relating to multiples of twelve, six, and Lenny Swornbottom's trusty plunger-otter. Here's something fun to try: watch the movie Tron 600 times in a row until your wife divorces you. Or until LeBron James fishes his keys out of her, whichever comes first. Lima beans are kind of like Barack Obama's lungs; mottled, squarish, and covered in longshoremen. "We meet today, gentlemen, to pay our respects to the world's sixth most dangerous crouton." Meanwhile, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson were selling kalishnikovs to Hezbollah. This resulted in 500 rubber dogs attacking the moon. I have cancer of the arm hairs. Meanwhile, an All-Pink Man was resulting in being fried upside down in a candy tin help help the bears are wearing me like a raincoat. Turkish automobiles are the finest in the land, because each is guaranteed to come with at least one kidnapped little girl in the overhead compartment. Free eats! Meanwhile, Dennis Quaid and Dennis Rodman were having a knife fight to decide which of them would truly earn the nickname, "the Menace". Then 200 Apollo moon rockets carved out of stone were stolen from the Extremely Pointless Items Museum by heartless thieves who intended on grinding them up for gerbil bedding. The hamster could not be reached for comment. Though a statement has been released by the hamster's lawyer: "I want to have sex with my third-grade teacher while my mother watches and tells me I have an ugly little girl's penis." This statement has not been verified with local authorities, Wikipedia, or Vinny The Weasel. Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Swedish. Meanwhile, a huge metropolitan spaceship was transporting hair oil to the Petroushkans when a bomb went off somewhere in the vicinity of Obese And Illiterate Children Everywhere, Missisipi. This necessitated a roadside stop for slim jims and individually-wrapped pickles. Did I already make the joke about the murderer who hoarded his victim's knees? I did? Allright then. The NHL stands for No Holes Lefttoputbighugecocksin. Beeps and squeeps. Thunder crumbs. One time while I was waiting for my car to be re-stucco'ed, I took a look at the magazines spread out on the table and noticed that I was on the cover of all of them, staring back at myself and mimicking my own facial movements exactly. This persisted for about forty-five minutes until wizards took over the world and turned everyone into Hot Pockets. Jim Belushi was reported as "pleased". Meanwhile, dynamite was still tasting incredible. You know what's fun? Eat a bunch of multicolored glass beads and you'll have a really pretty shit. You'll have a Christmas shit! Then Maya Angelou jumped out from behind a bush and scared an old man so badly his pants started to bleed. Not his legs; his pants. Remember that. There will be a test later, followed by chocolate ice cream. "DAAAAADDD!! The toilet paper's speaking German again!!!" Hundreds of gore-drenched squawking buzzards descended upon the trees outside of Mildred's bungalow and she gained the insight that it was probably time she got around to changing her socks. Then Gilda Radner absorbed most of the known universe, just for fun. Then motorcycles started learning how to. "I've literally never seen this many alligators wearing bowties and tophats all clustered in one skating rink before. Do you really think this will work, Bob?" "Huh? I've been drunk since Ash Wednesday, you idiot." Then Bob received a tire iron up his wazoo. Meanwhile, gargantuan ants were crawling all over your clothing RIGHT NOW!! :D Then Melvis Skidmark skulked through the runcible night of the Shady Armflaps Trailer Park, intending to siphon gasoline out of his neighbor's trailer into a small crab aquarium (which he just happened to find in his closet that morning). Unfortunately, in the unpenetrable darkness he unwittingly unscrewed the cap BESIDE the gasoline tank, and when he took his first suck of the hose, his mouth was filled with wild Siberian tigers. Crystal Pepsi is not only one of the four main food groups, it is actually all of them. Men's Rights Hamsters. "Breaking news! Carmen Sandiego has finally been found! Apparently, nobody ever thought to check at her house. She had been there the entire time." The world's tallest mathematicians have discovered that Montana is actually shaped like a small vacuum cleaner that can sing and ask uncomfortable questions about American foreign policy. Q: What's the difference between Italians and garbage collectors? A: The garbage collectors don't bring flowers. Remember, housewives, nothing but genuine Hormel brand Old Lady Heads In Sauce is good enough for YOUR family! Diapers made of live parrots sewn together. Milk comes from tree stumps and pixies. Members get benefits! Bembers get menefits! Did You Know that pooping has been illegal in Mexico since 1925 or 6 to 4? "My husband wants me to use my wooden leg more creatively in the bedroom. Mostly for smashing cockroaches, yes, but also occasionally for bludgeoning his prostrate until he cums himself retarded." Spanish-Japanese hybrid vegetables: they literally never stop singing. Run for your life. I fear-pooped myself. Uh-oh, here come the Mexican cops! "Michael, we need to break more puppy necks!" "But this machine only goes up to thirty-five!" "Then Chicago is DOOMED!!!" All the rectums you could ever eat. We'll return you to your regularly-schedulated Druidic arson rituals after these messages from our Lovecraftian overseers. DRIIIIIIINK MORRRRRE FANTAAAAAAAA. And now back to the future part two: lost in new york: at world's end: revengeance. Squirrels, I guess. Ham cabinet. "Why did the allies win the war? Because the Germans had crosseyed possums manning their guns!!" DOES ROUND THING GO HERE!? Periodically, I like to break into people's houses at mid-day and take little naps in their children's beds. I have lovely little dreams about tiny porcelain animals, and when I awake, I leave a little gift of saliva-coated pennies in every hat I discover. Oh what jolly fun! Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Newborns. "We had to stop Grandma from using the neighborhood children as tampons." Corky Romano has been nominated for more Academy Awards than any other film in the history of zanthywanthyworp. Come here and belgium my shoes! (Scandalous!) Spandex bulletproof vests were not successful, to put it mildly. PROTIP: You can get away with Racism is nobody kows what the hell you are talking about. 'Those Muslims are all a bunch of woojees, and they smell like rarms!' Today I walked over four miles for mashed potatoes. Sometimes I take dozens and dozens of photographs of my feet on strange rocks. Mogwai lips. Meanwhile, again. People who move to Seattle should be force-fed a durian in one piece. An escalator made entirely of sausage products. I need a syringe full of Clorox. "Everywhere I look in this godforsaken house!! Furbies!!" Then a squad of Kenyanese baseball mascots absconded with the king of Franceland. To what nefarious ends do they have in mind? Tune in next week, on Fat Paraplegic Dentists On Scooters! Now it's time for The Molten Lava Ejaculation Triathalon! "Today I had a calzone and my mom had a biopsy." My girlfriend gave me the alaskan snow crabs. That's like regular crab lice, except it comes with an avalanche of pube dandruff. :D "GET BACK IN THAT BLENDER UNTIL YOU'RE DONE, YOUNG MAN!" "Aw gee whiz, Ma!" WHIRRRRRRRRRRRR Then the lion escaped from the city zoo and ate about fifty hamburgers out of a fast food dumpster and pooped on a taxicab and healed the sick and walked on water and turned loaves into wine and oh no wait that's Jesus. Angela Lansbury: Fuck Her Right In The Pussy. Strap JATO rockets to grandpa's wheelchair and you've got yerself a homemade carnival ride! 'Every night at midnight, the ghost of Kanye West's Twitter account arrives in the foyer to haunt me.' Plain beige ceramic tile! Let's get in the dune buggy and go running over dozens of rich white ladies! By now, the toolshed outback was likely only 5% tools, 95% jizz. Plus a family of marmots who can swim. "Choke on the devil's toenails, thou common parlor-slut!" Jake Gyllenhall has the nicest pectoral muscles I've ever seen put on a bookshelf. And by that I mean I kidnapped him, sawed of his chest, and literally put it on my bookshelf to look at. I am a very lonely woman. Death by protracted exposure to bean dip. Try new Milk-Flavored Doritos! Goes great with a tomato peanut butter sandwich! "Send out the Evil Moose!" Black people take a +1 racial bonus to perception checks made to detect white womens. Chumtoads. Chumtoads. SPAY ME FOR THE DOOREET. IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO SPAALON BABAGUUSCOOTIES. Aster master. Master bastard. Astar master bastar. Mustard bastard. “You know, hot dogs get a bad rep. They got a cool shape, they got protein. You like hot dogs, don’t you?” That really rustled my Jimmy Fallons. I have several all over the house, as small as a capuchin monkey. They grin constantly. Meanwhile, Bajefferson Doohands was beating up a deer with a lawn chair. This caused outer space to happen. Then Satan bought a lamp. It had no demonic powers whatsoever. Betty White robbed a bank with a scalpel today. "Now let's see how much cake we can cram inside this baby! So far we're up to five!!" The Lone Ranger vs. sushi rolls. Turns out Bobby Darin was a child-molesting alien from planet Velcro. Who knew? Frank Miller's Holy Terror makes even less sense than what you're currently reading. 'As you can see, sir, the kittens are deposited here into our patented mile-long glass conveyor tubes, where they are swept along at fifty miles per hour, being subjected to approximately 500 assorted racial slurs per minute. Then their eyes are plucked out and replaced with fresh green grapes. Afterwards, the flesh is steamed away from the waste products, poured into the molds, and that's where iPods come from." Frozen toenails. Fronails. "I think Bill Cosby is slowly turning into high fructose corn syrup." A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. A man needs a woman like a pirate needs a snowcone. A woman needs a pineapple like a man needs an isosceles triangle. A pineapple needs a 40 ton dumptruck like a cadmium emulsifier needs a kidnapped heroin-addicted heiress. A duck needs a shot glass like a motorcycle tire needs Tiffani Amber Thiessen . Bob Hope needs Bill Nye like Dennis Miller needs Dianne Sawyer. A poop needs a hoop like a scoop needs a shoop, shoop de doop, shoop de doop, shoop de doop de doop de doop. The Chinese have invented an airplane that runs on human sweat and humming. When guinea pigs become large, they become a threat to churches, synagogues, and most types of religious iconography. For as the guinea pig grows in size, so does its belief in militant atheism. Few men do not weep in fear at the sight of a 20 foot long guinea pig chewing a crucifix to splinters. Now in theaters: The Insane Vagina Of Gargamel Dumpaloaf. "Yes, I'm married to my wonderful kid, and we have two beautiful husbands." Rubber bunnies. Rubbunnies. The cube root of unentangled moat byproducts is equal to the sound of two San Francisco streetcars nuzzling gently up against one another. Cows are mostly vampiric. I hate peaches so much that sometimes my tear ducts explode. "I squirm, you squirm, we all squirm for ice sperm!'" Picture a big long diesel train, except that all the boxcars are shaped like wet, purple, screaming infants. Borat was nonfiction. Snakes are delicious. Dad said that if Little Timmy buried his wallet in the cat's litter box just one more time, he'd ship himself to Lumbago. "Impregnate the elephants with baby children." Beware the evil elves. Or evil Elvis; this tourist guidebook is for shit. There's nothing funnier than watching sixty blind people all trying to ice skate at gunpoint. Somewhere out there, a real person has paid $104 for an unopened bag of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pork rinds. Amazingly, that is not just some goofy make-'em-ups. "You ever consider that maybe filling your house floor to ceiling with bees wasn't a good idea?" "No. Why do you ask?" "BUZZZZZZZ." Think for a second how stupid Batman would look if it'd been a pinata that had flown through his window that night. If you puke in your eggs, you can make a vomelet. You ever felt around in your mouth and found more teeth in there than the last time you checked? Hollywood has discovered that girls are good for more than just having tits, they can also fire arrows! ...Not out of their tits, I mean. But archery. Although, it'd be pretty cool if girls fired arrows with tits on the end of them. It wouldn't kill you, but it would smack you in the face and make you stupid for a few seconds. Beaked potatoes. [looks at watch] "Either it's blood o' clock or I've been a-murderin' again!" Steve, meet m'dick. Dick, meet m'steve. No one wants to meet Mumm-Ra's dick though. Although he is "the ever-living". He'd be a good spokesman for those boner pills. Just him and Jackalman lying side by side in bathtubs in front of the sunset, reminiscing about fucking Cheetara and Wilykit's skulls. "I'm not the one throwing up into a bag." But you are. Meanwhile, Elizabrandon Deeznuts was vacuuming her truck cushions when she discovered a tiny squadron of ankylosaurs that had been living off her spilled French Fries. She sold them to an Algerian history buff and bought a jet ski with all her mad profitz. Rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate rotate. Sixty-three. This sentence is riddled with typos, is grammatically incorrect, and is entirely in French. Please don't feed me any more airports. I wonder what Jar Jar Binks' cum looks like? "Fuck the Beatles on Ed Sullivan and their 23 million viewers. We want to see a mustache shoot a gun." 'Gah! I put too much jelly on this sandwich. It's like eating a placenta.' Goblins want to sell you a used car. How do you respond? A) With violence B) With more violence C) With much more violence D) With uncomfortable amounts of violence G) With seventeen acts of violence H) With high-definition 3D violence L) With dreary, bleary, extra-sudsy violence B) With stupendous crescendos of violence X) With violence hitherto unseen by mortal eyes N) With so much violence it wakes up the whole neighborhood F) With vvvvviiiiiooooollllleeeeennnnnccccceeeee 23) With violence directed at the nostrils, lungs and kidneys B) With TERIFFIC violence 5) With tornado-like violence V) With Totoro-like violence D) With chocolate-covered violence on a sundae apple sandwich K) With hugs and cuddles and gentle compliments that are a mere smokescreen to deflect from the inevitable violence Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Or Not To Be. "I am photographing good sir! Now toddle off before I steal your soul with my magic picture box." The eternally-laughing sheepdog hovers o'er your bed at night and ridicules your insomnia. Mankind really needs to aspire towards devolving into slugs and snails over the next twenty years. Meanwhile, Satoshi Kon took a shit and nothing but paintbrushes came out. SYMBOLISM!!! Radiation poisoning really isn't so bad once you get used to all the pus. Beef thief. 'Note to self: put more meanwhiles in the toaster.' Meanwhile, while his wife was getting ready for work, Smeerbop Roomborp was busy filling her shoes with random cat fur and Elmer's glue. But, gosh darn the luck, all day long people simply complimented her on her imaginative Hobbit cosplay. Foiled again! Tunisia is a place where all the forks go. GPS stands for Great Smellin' Pizza. "Muriel, on the day I am too busy to go out and buy a duck, I want you to shoot me and have me taxidermied doing the splits." "Okee-dokee, boss!!" Spaghetti-Os-flavored Oreos. Cram bullets down your penis and give her a night to remember! GWAR had a goncert in GUAM and they brought GUACamole and you can GWOfuckyourself. And then an endless stream of rubber elbows came gushing out of Matt Damon's brainstem. Then Wil Wheaton fucked an entire house. Now fry that mofo. I say we oughtta deport all them illegal immigrants back to Pangaea! "Why is everything dying? is it because I turned your blood purple?" Six million Jews died in the Holocaust [ ] NOT REKT [?] REKT Then a refrigerator. "I've always had the yellow fever." "...You like fucking Asians?" "Well, I would if I'd ever met any." Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Taller. It's like dumpier stains! Meanwhile, the mayonnaise was growing tumors and the sunflowers outside my window were singing in doo-wop harmony that my rent was overdue. I put on my overalls and wizard beanie and prepared for a trip to the bank. After the bank lay in fiery ruins, I returned home to find that my clothing had also turned into fire, and this condition quickly spread to all my neighbor's personal belongings. With use of a fourteen-foot snorkel, I decided to take up indefinite residence in his swimming pool. Mustard-filled Reese's peanut butter cups! Picture a t-shirt that says, World's Cuntiest Grandma. That'd be hilarious if Birth Of A Nation had a huge Tumblr fanbase and craploads of slash fiction of all its characters. Slimey Smile Joe was out walking under the river when he was spotted by the cops, and no matter what detergent he used, the spots wouldn't come off. Miscarried Fetal Tissue! Dogs Don't Know It's Not Bacon! "STOP LOOKING AT THAT FRUITCAKE!!!" Let's give pre-schoolers indigestion with mind control. Meryl Streep can benchpress five pumas. I've got a mental problem named Fido. There's no use yelling at the hotdog if your asshole is too squeaky tight for it to fit inside. Either use some lube or get a new asshole at the Asshole Store. Or as it's also known, Trader Joe's. "You are now a houseplant. Get a job." Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up At All Just Murder Them "Run FORWARD, Otis!!" Then Mertrude waved her magic obese-ifying ray at all her evil classmates and lived happily ever after. A Handful Of Croutons For President 2018 Human beings go crunch. A huge wooden box full of spit. Finding a pair of used eyeglasses in your breakfast cereal. Hollow Man: Dogs Don't Know It's Not Kevin Bacon's Best Work 'Why bother with plain old-fashioned driveway gravel when you could have ROCK ROCKS! Yes, these hip, alternative-wave rocks now come in a variety of designer flavors. These aren't your daddy's rocks! "Honey, stop waving your naked ass around the living room! It's starting to attract coyotes! Those yellow eyed bastards'll go right through the screen door if they're horny." Meanwhile, all the frozen yogurt in the entire Eastern hemisphere started vibrating intensely. This heralded nothing. Trees are fuckin' pussies. Sugar Ray Leonard died in a clown explosion. "Hey Robby, what is oatmeal made out of?" "Thick women." Whenever I watch 80s comedies, I pretend that everyone is actually a robot suit being controlled by crows. I CAN HEAR DA MOONBEEMS. There's syphilis in them thar dumpsters!! Yoink! I like cars. Boy that was anticlimactic. THEENDE