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","count":"2","submission_left_submission_id":"2722771","submission_left_file_name":"4035066_3timer_tcbgtmsforward.doc","submission_left_thumbnail_url_huge":"https://nl.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/huge/4035/4035066_3timer_tcbgtmsforward.jpg","submission_left_thumbnail_url_large":"https://nl.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/large/4035/4035066_3timer_tcbgtmsforward.jpg","submission_left_thumbnail_url_medium":"https://nl.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/medium/4035/4035066_3timer_tcbgtmsforward.jpg","submission_left_thumb_huge_x":"300","submission_left_thumb_huge_y":"300","submission_left_thumb_large_x":"200","submission_left_thumb_large_y":"200","submission_left_thumb_medium_x":"120","submission_left_thumb_medium_y":"120"}],"description":"For some upcoming kobold related content I've written some lore and decided to compile it and present it in this way. It's not complete (yes, I'm aware of the irony) because the long discussion about eggs hatching and the hatchling's time in the nursery seemed excessive for this work. \n\nIf it seems dry, that's because it is. \n\nShould be other chapters, although I'm contemplating which monsters to base them on. I think Lesson 2 will be griffons. \n\nSomeone suggested gargoyles to me. A firm \"maybe\" on that one.","description_bbcode_parsed":"For some upcoming kobold related content I've written some lore and decided to compile it and present it in this way. It's not complete (yes, I'm aware of the irony) because the long discussion about eggs hatching and the hatchling's time in the nursery seemed excessive for this work.
If it seems dry, that's because it is.
Should be other chapters, although I'm contemplating which monsters to base them on. I think Lesson 2 will be griffons.
Someone suggested gargoyles to me. A firm "maybe" on that one.","writing":"[center]Lesson 1\nKobolds\n [/center]\n \nIt should come as no surprise that the first monster that will be discussed is the kobold. For the benefit of those few who are unfamiliar with them, I will give a physical description: Kobolds are a humanoid reptilian species of short stature that live in dark places like caves, mines, or forests with a deep canopy. Adults average about three feet tall, although the length from nose to tail can stretch to around 5 feet in some examples. They bear a passing resemblance to lizardfolk, but unlike the much larger species they are warm blooded, akin to dragons which they share a divergent lineage. Kobolds have digitigrade rear legs and large feet with three toes on each that end with sharp claws. They have a dew claw on the inside of each ankle, although some tribes remove these from their young for ascetic reasons. Their arms are jointed similarly to other humanoids, but their hands have three clawed fingers and an opposable thumb. Their skin is leathery with plated scales on the head, neck, back, and limbs, but their underbelly is soft. Their skin color varies from dark shades of nearly black, to green, brown, red, yellow, and orange. Often a splotchy mixture of shades and lighter on the underside. Juveniles will have bright spots that fade with age. They have a large head in comparison to their body with a powerful jaw lined with sharp teeth. Their eyes are normally yellow, orange or red, although in some cases I've observed blue, green, and brown. These odd variations in eye pigment usually indicate damage to their dark vision caused by interspecies genetics, and those with the disability are more sunlight tolerant than normal. They typically have two horns on their head, although it is not uncommon to have multiple sets of horns. These horns grow as they age and longer horns indicate older individuals. They have finned ears, which can be cocked and moved in response to the direction of sounds. The ears are also used to indicate some emotions. Cocked forward to show interest or curiosity, lowered to show submission or contempt. They may also have sharp ridges or fins on their spinal plates, and some have been observed to grow hair-like feathers on their heads, neck or tail. Adults carry themselves with a hunched forward posture to offset the weight of their tail, and juveniles may adopt a more upright stance as their tails are shorter. Their tails are also used for social cues, excitement is accompanied by wagging, passive by holding it low, and alarm or aggression by raising it up sharply. \n \nThrough no fault of its own, it is this creature's great misfortune to be amongst the most numerous foe a group of champions should encounter. As such, it is often considered the most well understood species. Indeed any adventurer will be well-acquainted with them, many deeming themselves \"experts\" in dealing with the tiny menace. It is this author's not-so-humble opinion that familiarity with lopping heads does not equate to expertise. Since I have spent several years living with a tribe, I consider myself uniquely qualified to discuss them. I could easily fill an entire tome about my exploits with and observations of the species. This segment may well be my most thorough exploration of any monster based on how many commonly held positions I will be forced to dispel. \n \nFor instance, the long held \"truth\" of the average span of life for a kobold remains approximately 10 years. While it is undoubtedly shorter than what a human or halfling can expect, ten years is false by a magnitude of decades. This assumption is based on the observation that the dead in any group slaughtered will be young, normally ranging from 5 to 15 years of age by best estimates. However, this statistic doesn't take into account that these are the years in which the kobold is at their most inquisitive, prone to wander, and take greater risks. Naturally, any hostile group encountered will be almost exclusively in this age range. The argument against this perception by the author is obvious: If their life span is so long, why aren't there even more of them? To which I say: There are! Any number attributed to the population of kobolds in a given location is unfailingly erroneous by a multiplier ranging from 3 to 8. Such is the nature of the species. There is a reason why, after many attempts at genocide, there remains a healthy population of kobolds.\n \nTheir numbers are kept in check somewhat by the fact that the accepted maximum life expectancy is also inaccurate. In the records I have examined this number is almost always in excess of 100 years. Sometimes as high as 150 years, but the average appears to be approximately 120 years. There are many factors that go into this observation made by others, not the least of all considering their linked heritage to the dragon one would expect a fairly long age. There is also the possibility that much of these numbers are based upon simply asking a venerable kobold how old they are. This fails to take into account that kobolds measure time differently than the researchers do. Most kobolds spend the majority of their lives underground, so there is little value to them to measure time by the passing of the sun in the sky or the changing of the seasons. Every tribe will have their own way of calculating a day's passing. It might be a mechanical contraption involving weights, or something as simple as the time it takes for a cistern to fill with water. This time will vary between tribes, but will be somewhere between 10 and 14 hours. Kobolds taken out of their natural setting have an arduous time adjusting to a 24 hour day. If you ask a kobold their age, they will inevitably tell you a number based on something they can calculate. For them the easiest and most notable \"annual\" event is the shedding of their skin. However, for an adult kobold this happens almost twice a year by our calendar, or once every 7 to 8 months. For a juvenile, this may happen every 3 to 4 months. For a hatchling as often as 5 to 6 weeks. Based on this system, a five-year-old will likely tell you their age is anywhere between 18 to 22, and a 22-year-old would say they are 50. The oldest kobold I have ever met, who claimed a ripe age of 116, by my calculations was probably no older than 70. \n \nThere is also a widespread belief that they lack intelligence. While this assertion is almost always followed with an admission that they are \"clever\", there is a clear bias against them. This is surprising to me if you take into account that by one year of age, the age when a human child is still crawling and spitting up on their mother, a kobold will have started to develop critical thinking, survival skills, and have a basic grasp on their language. A language that is a direct variation of the Draconic tongue, which even studied linguists often struggle with. At five years of age, they will be proficient in at least one trade and may have rudimentary knowledge of several common languages within their local area. They have an unmatched memory. If they were to meet 1,000 individuals only once, they could recall all of their names ten years later without difficulty. Furthermore, they are clean and industrious with a better grasp on the concept of sanitation than most other species. They devote a great deal of effort to managing sewage in their hives and separating this system from their drinking and bathing water. They even have specialists devoted to this task since their numbers put harsh demands on this system. They are so adept at this that it has become a common, though oft denied, practice for a growing city to hire kobolds to dig their irrigation and sewage systems. They are at least on par with any of the \"higher\" humanoids in terms of intellect. \n \nThey have long been spoken of as \"cowardly\". This is, of course, based upon the sensibilities of species many times their size and strength. For a kobold there are scarce engagements that would be declared as \"a fair fight\". They are keenly aware of their position in the hierarchy of intelligent species, and seek to even the odds as often as possible, whether through numbers, tactics, or outright avoidance. A kobold enjoys their life as much as any other and has no desire to throw it away for something so unworthy as personal pride. They are very pragmatic in most endeavors, so why would that preclude combat? Luring opponents into traps and ambushes increases their odds of success and reduces potential damage to the tribe. Disengaging when nothing can be gained by further combat is logical. That being said, they can display foolhardy courage in the face of certain destruction. If the tribe is threatened (or their dragon, where one is present) they will throw themselves against any foe to combat it directly if the situation demands it. \n \nIt is also said that they are exceptionally cruel. While they certainly can be cruel, I have seen no evidence that it goes beyond what other races deem acceptable. They engage in no more barbaric behavior than humans do, and certainly less than goblins do. Horrific acts will often be retaliation for a previous unconscionable act committed upon them. They certainly don't go out of their way to be unnecessarily brutal. There is an exception to this as they do have a special distaste for gnomes, but even that is mostly against those that intrude upon their territory. They don't commonly venture forth to hunt down gnomes merely to be vicious to them. Kobolds use cruelty as a deterrent against those who intend them harm, and let's be honest, that's almost everyone. \n \nThere are, of course, beliefs about kobolds that are demonstrably true. That they serve dragons is absolutely an undeniable fact and they seem to have a symbiotic (albeit, one-sided) relationship with their much larger kin. Their hives are typically created with the expectation that a dragon might take up residence, and designed to be inviting to that end (with the unfortunate effect that it makes them inviting for adventurers). Now it may not escape many that there remain very few dragons to go around, however, kobolds are not above creating one. On two occasions I have discovered dragon likenesses inside a kobold hive. One was a massive stone statue encrusted with gems, and the other was a gold-plated lattice sculpture. They treated these as if they were real, bringing them food and wealth to hoard. A casual observer might liken this behavior to a religion, and while kobold clerics do present it as such, the truth lies deeper than that. On a biological level, they MUST serve a dragon. Even eggs sold into servitude that hatch without any exposure to kobold teachings still insist on serving a dragon. Often declaring their master an honorary dragon in order to fill this need. This makes them incredibly devoted servants (providing a real dragon never appears before them). It also makes it quite difficult to break the spirit of a kobold through subjugation. They'll simply turn their oppressors into dragons and be content that the situation is as it should be. In truth, no master can be quite so terrible as an actual dragon, who steals all their wealth and regularly eats them. \n \nThere is an amusing axiom: [i]As eager as a hatched kobold.[/i] If there is one thing that could sunder the heart of a kobold it would be related to their innate sexual permissiveness. If they are prevented from mating activities, deep depression will follow. Severe cases may cause death. Sex, for a kobold, as as important a part of their daily routine as eating, drinking, and sleeping. Slave kobolds who's reproductive capacity has been removed still regularly engage in the activity to maintain their overall health and emotional well-being. A kobold will perform mating activities long before they are physically capable of reproduction, their first clumsy attempts may occur within a few weeks of hatching. About the time they begin to exhibit a preference for bipedal mobility and start to speak their first words, they will begin experimenting. At three months it is a near certainty that they are no longer a virgin, even though females don't lay their first egg until the third or fourth year. After which time she will remain in a constant state of pregnancy for the rest of her life. \n \nKobolds have few taboos regarding mating. Adults and juveniles engaging with each other is not only tolerated, it is expected. Orgies are commonplace, usually right before or directly following sleep or religious activities. Oral and anal intercourse are frequently engaged in and homosexual acts are normal with both males and females. Although it is unusual for them to engage exclusively with the same sex. Those that do so may undergo a metamorphosis into the opposite sex, a natural reaction in cases of low ratio. They have a weak grasp on the concept of romance and practice little in the way of mate selection or courtship. Partners are chosen by convenience, even if those partners exhibit poor genetic paring. They have no qualms against mating a species other than their own, and even bestiality is acceptable. I have read that kobods can smell close relations, and while that is undoubtedly true, my observation has been that they freely engage in incest. Their unique physiology allows them to do this without any detrimental effect. The eggs produced in the female's duplex womb have a chance to be fertilized by EVERY male they engage with. Since there may well be dozens, or even hundreds, of suitors while the eggs are receptive, this means any dangerous traits will be suppressed and tribes tend to exhibit certain shared characteristics among individuals. It also means any egg hatched, regardless of a non-kobold interaction, will almost certainly be a kobold. Obvious hybrids only occur if the female is actively prevented from mating with other kobolds, or if females outside the species are impregnated. Although in a broad sense the entirety of the kobold race is likely to be hybrid on some level. Variations in their appearance suggest as much. \n \nThe only thing that would be regarded with disdain by them is monogamy. Everyone sharing everyone is an important part of their culture. Based on their biology, it is healthy for the whole of the species to do so. An individual may have a select number of preferred mates that they most frequently engage, but their frolicking will always stray outside that group. On occasion two close individuals may engage in a binding rite that bears a cursory resemblance to marriage, but sexual exclusivity is not a part of this bondage agreement. Typically such pairing is due to intellectual and spiritual stimulation between the two and not sexual compatibility. \n \nKobolds rarely, if ever, venture in forced carnal encounters. Certainly not due to any moral reasons, but when a willing partner is always within arm's reach, there's no need for it. What's more, they find the mating act exceedingly pleasant (both females and males experience multiple orgasms), and wouldn't even consider using it as a form of punishment or torture. What is gained pleasuring someone you're trying to hurt? Indeed their most severe form of punishment short of execution involves an absence of intercourse, and many kobolds would prefer the execution. Their reaction to being forced upon is one of confusion. Why would someone force them to do something they would be willing to do? \n \nThey are often regarded as fragile, but nothing could be further from the truth! Don't forget, this is a species that can subsist on eating dirt! Kobolds are incredibly hearty, able to withstand a great deal of abuse without complaint. Both males and females can \"take\" genitalia much larger than one would expect. This is not surprising since kobold males tend to be exceptionally endowed, putting species many times their size to shame. There are limits, of course. Something as large as an ogre would kill one of them attempting the penetrative act. However, I expect few reading this guide are quite so blessed. Kobolds also have a nonexistent occurrence of socially transmitted diseases. Their bodies seem to be poor incubators for non-magical infections and, unlike some other monsters, I've never been forced to visit a cleric for a cure disease spell after engaging with a kobold. That being said, if you are female and happen to be ovulating, mating a male kobold will impregnate you with near certainty. Their sperm is exceptionally tenacious. Unless your intention is to carry their offspring, protection is a must. Since the male genitalia often includes small spines or barbs, an alchemic contraceptive is preferable to a barrier form. \n \nHow do you tell a female from a male kobold? That can be rather vexing for someone unfamiliar with the species as both sexes dress similarly (if at all) and share duties equally. A kobold warrior has as much chance of being either sex as a hatchery nanny. Females do not have breasts. Males and females have an outwardly identical slit vent leading to their genitalia with an anal opening at the base of the tail. There are some key differences. The male testes are internal, but the bulge of them can be noted on both sides between the vent and anus. This can be quite pronounced. Males are usually leaner around the midsection and females tend to have a paunch since they are always carrying eggs. Female hips are normally slightly wider than males. Male horns are typically thicker than females and tend to be taller in stature. Of course, if all else fails, an attempt at seduction can usually arouse one fairly easily. If a penis emerges, it's a male. \n \nA question for some might be: What sort of preparation is required for intimacy with a kobold? The answer is: Very little. While a kobold will greatly appreciate any efforts at foreplay, it isn't necessary. The span of time between calm and in-the-mood can be as short as a few seconds. Females and males both self-lubricate. Not only their genitalia but their rectum as well. What's more, unlike with most other species, for the male this genital secretion isn't confined to the urethra. The entire organ will sweat lubrication, easing entry into any orifice. Kobold mating is a very drippy, messy affair. Another interesting note about the kobold penis is that no two are exactly alike. Their biology seems to have developed an \"everything goes\" approach to successful copulation. Pointy glans, round glans, flared glans, barbs, nodules, ridges, knots, corkscrew shaped, and even double penises are possible. It's likely they've picked up these variation from other species they've mated with. Size varies greatly, but tends along the average size that one would expect for a human or dwarf, with a slight advantage to the kobold. \n \nFemales are just as interesting. As stated before, they have a duplex womb. A minor (upper) uterus and a major (lower) uterus. The vaginal canal extends behind and past both wombs and fertilization enters through the upper portion of the minor uterus. This gives them an uncommonly deep orifice in comparison to their body size. Eggs first develop and are fertilized the minor uterus, which may happen hundreds of times depending on how long an egg remains and up to a dozen are prepared at a time. Once fertilized, one (or on rare occasions, two) of these will move into the major uterus and start to grow. After approximately 14 days of growth, the female will birth the egg. There is a normally plugged pathway on the bottom of the major uterus that leads into the vaginal exit, giving it a shorter path to leave the body and preventing damage to the deeper portion of the vagina. The plug is expelled and the egg is pushed through this temporary opening. Immediately after laying, this opening forms a new mucus plug that quickly seals the passage and the next egg will enter the major uterus to start development. At this point, the female may engage in dirt consumption even in the presence of abundant food, suggesting it plays a role in egg development. Egg laying is something that females normally do quite easily, usually only taking a few minutes from the time they feel the need and the actual laying of the egg. Afterward enduring a time of minor tenderness, cramping and an uncharacteristic aversion to sexual contact as a side effect, but otherwise able to continue their day without interruption. However, for a young female laying her first egg, this can be the most painful and dangerous period of her life. Since kobold eggs are quite large and the birthing path from the major uterus most be torn open the first time, it can take several hours to make the adjustment. Complications can arise that could prove fatal for either the mother or the egg. Suffocation of the egg and blood loss for the mother being the likely culprits. Thankfully for them, after the first one is successfully passed the birthing process eases greatly. Interestingly, while kobolds normally have little attachment to their eggs, giving them up to the tribal hatchery at the first opportunity, this is not so with the first one. Possibly due to the difficult nature of the delivery, or the uniqueness of the event, young kobold females usually keep this egg close and jealously guard it, sometimes for as much as a week, before being convinced to give it up. Due to their inexperience, this can be quite detrimental for the egg, but the behavior is often tolerated as a phase. \n \nAside from being able to pass a large egg regularly and contract back down to a pleasant mating girth in a few hours, the female genitalia has some other interesting traits. The clitoris is sizable, often pushing back the hood to extend past the vent when aroused, and may exhibit some variations in shape similar to the male's penile glans. For the uninitiated, this might appear to be the tip of a penis and cause some confusion. In some cases, a female may even have two clitorises. As an additional note of interest, males and females that who are exceptionally blessed with double organs are almost always clerics, in a similar way in which the rare kobolds with wings are sorcerers. The urethra and vaginal canal share the same exit instead of having individual exits as with many other species. The interior structure of the vagina is also as varied as the male's penis. The vaginal canal can be smooth, folded, spiny, lumpy, ribbed, noduled, feathery, zigzagged, spiraled, or a combination. Females orgasm easily and regularly during intercourse, eventually culminating in a \"mating trance\". During this trance a series of strong muscular contractions around the entrance clamp down on whatever is penetrating it, often accompanied by a great deal of squirting. A rough texture of tiny barbs around the entryway extends immediately, ensuring a secure grip. This vaginal clamp can be quite shocking to anyone first experiencing it as it is almost impossible to withdraw from without injury to both parties. Do not panic! This causes no harm and will disengage within a few minutes. While in the clamp you will notice the interior gyrations of the female will flow around like waves, encouraging additional insemination. It is exceptionally pleasurable. There is a similar, but barb-free gripping action in both female and male rectum. It should be noted that the male experiences a similar trance and their penis may also have an inverted ability to tie. An expanding knot akin to that of canines has been observed on some, but there are also widely flaring glans, and even extending barbs that lock them directly to the vaginal wall (or intestinal wall as the case might be). \n \nThe act itself may not last long enough for some to reach completion. Kobold treat sex like most things and strive for efficiency, as a result they do it with a rambunctious frenzy with females showing a preference for being on top. Five to ten minutes is what can normally be expected, even if you take into account the time spent in the mating trance. A female will be extremely displeased with any male that doesn't ejaculate, feeling they've been cheated. It is likely she won't engage a second time. Males are less picky about their mates coming to completion but still exhibit a predilection for it. \n \nThe act is followed by cleansing. Cleaning off themselves and each other with a tongue bath. Kobolds lose a great deal of fluid during the act and attempt to recover as much as possible. They expect their mates to do the same. Afterward, you will notice that the scent of their pheromones will cling to you even after repeated bathing. I have never found it to be an unpleasant smell, a light, sweet musk with a somewhat floral highlight, but it can be both a detriment and a blessing. A blessing in that subsequent encounters with kobolds will surely be amicable once you smell of willingness, and a detriment in that many species that prey upon them may target you in confusion. Also, any gnomes you meet will likely greet you with hostility if you smell like a randy kobold. \n \nAs a side note, the presence of kobolds in an aria guarantees that there is a large supply of water nearby, even in an arid environment such as a desert. They would only occupy that place if there was an aquifer they could exploit to meet their high water demands to replenish fluids lost during mating. A fact that saved my life once. \n \nI expect having read this far you may have already gleaned that seducing a kobold is not much of a challenge. You would be correct in assuming that a straightforward approach will likely get the desired result. A wizard with all the charisma of a door knocker has a fair chance at success when making a genuine attempt. I've often seen kobolds in the midst of a heated battle convinced to engage instead in physical congress. They are quite susceptible to flattery, especially if such charm is targeted at their shared heritage with the dragon, as it is not something that they experience often from species that look down upon them. Even if they are unable to communicate with you due to language barriers, they are adept at picking up cues concerning mating desires. Whether from something as subtle as the tone of your voice or something as blatant as dropping your pants. Look for bright, curious expressions, high raised ears, and most importantly, tail wagging. Especially if the tail wags enough to cause their body to sway (the kobold wiggle). \n \nSo why have I spent so much time discussing them? Simply put, this is where you should start honing your technique. Kobolds are plentiful, willing, and give you familiarity interacting with a species different from your own. You can gain confidence and experience with the least amount of danger to your person, and they won't be overly judgmental about your lack of skills. What's more, when encountering a kobold in a location you are unfamiliar with, they can be an invaluable source of intelligence. A successfully mated kobold is a chatty kobold. Once relaxed in your presence they are easily pressed for information, providing they don't suspect divulging such knowledge will endanger the tribe, or worse, their dragon. They might also be convinced to aid you on whatever mission you happen to be on if they believe it to be profitable to do so. I rarely kill kobolds since they are of much more use, and so much more entertainment, alive. \n \nOf course, there is a downside. Engaging kobolds may convince you that you have more talent than you actually do. More than once I have witnessed someone who, having gained so much hubris conquering kobolds, attempted a challenge beyond their abilities. This inevitably leads to a humbling experience (or worse). \n ","writing_bbcode_parsed":"Lesson 1
Kobolds
It should come as no surprise that the first monster that will be discussed is the kobold. For the benefit of those few who are unfamiliar with them, I will give a physical description: Kobolds are a humanoid reptilian species of short stature that live in dark places like caves, mines, or forests with a deep canopy. Adults average about three feet tall, although the length from nose to tail can stretch to around 5 feet in some examples. They bear a passing resemblance to lizardfolk, but unlike the much larger species they are warm blooded, akin to dragons which they share a divergent lineage. Kobolds have digitigrade rear legs and large feet with three toes on each that end with sharp claws. They have a dew claw on the inside of each ankle, although some tribes remove these from their young for ascetic reasons. Their arms are jointed similarly to other humanoids, but their hands have three clawed fingers and an opposable thumb. Their skin is leathery with plated scales on the head, neck, back, and limbs, but their underbelly is soft. Their skin color varies from dark shades of nearly black, to green, brown, red, yellow, and orange. Often a splotchy mixture of shades and lighter on the underside. Juveniles will have bright spots that fade with age. They have a large head in comparison to their body with a powerful jaw lined with sharp teeth. Their eyes are normally yellow, orange or red, although in some cases I've observed blue, green, and brown. These odd variations in eye pigment usually indicate damage to their dark vision caused by interspecies genetics, and those with the disability are more sunlight tolerant than normal. They typically have two horns on their head, although it is not uncommon to have multiple sets of horns. These horns grow as they age and longer horns indicate older individuals. They have finned ears, which can be cocked and moved in response to the direction of sounds. The ears are also used to indicate some emotions. Cocked forward to show interest or curiosity, lowered to show submission or contempt. They may also have sharp ridges or fins on their spinal plates, and some have been observed to grow hair-like feathers on their heads, neck or tail. Adults carry themselves with a hunched forward posture to offset the weight of their tail, and juveniles may adopt a more upright stance as their tails are shorter. Their tails are also used for social cues, excitement is accompanied by wagging, passive by holding it low, and alarm or aggression by raising it up sharply.
Through no fault of its own, it is this creature's great misfortune to be amongst the most numerous foe a group of champions should encounter. As such, it is often considered the most well understood species. Indeed any adventurer will be well-acquainted with them, many deeming themselves "experts" in dealing with the tiny menace. It is this author's not-so-humble opinion that familiarity with lopping heads does not equate to expertise. Since I have spent several years living with a tribe, I consider myself uniquely qualified to discuss them. I could easily fill an entire tome about my exploits with and observations of the species. This segment may well be my most thorough exploration of any monster based on how many commonly held positions I will be forced to dispel.
For instance, the long held "truth" of the average span of life for a kobold remains approximately 10 years. While it is undoubtedly shorter than what a human or halfling can expect, ten years is false by a magnitude of decades. This assumption is based on the observation that the dead in any group slaughtered will be young, normally ranging from 5 to 15 years of age by best estimates. However, this statistic doesn't take into account that these are the years in which the kobold is at their most inquisitive, prone to wander, and take greater risks. Naturally, any hostile group encountered will be almost exclusively in this age range. The argument against this perception by the author is obvious: If their life span is so long, why aren't there even more of them? To which I say: There are! Any number attributed to the population of kobolds in a given location is unfailingly erroneous by a multiplier ranging from 3 to 8. Such is the nature of the species. There is a reason why, after many attempts at genocide, there remains a healthy population of kobolds.
Their numbers are kept in check somewhat by the fact that the accepted maximum life expectancy is also inaccurate. In the records I have examined this number is almost always in excess of 100 years. Sometimes as high as 150 years, but the average appears to be approximately 120 years. There are many factors that go into this observation made by others, not the least of all considering their linked heritage to the dragon one would expect a fairly long age. There is also the possibility that much of these numbers are based upon simply asking a venerable kobold how old they are. This fails to take into account that kobolds measure time differently than the researchers do. Most kobolds spend the majority of their lives underground, so there is little value to them to measure time by the passing of the sun in the sky or the changing of the seasons. Every tribe will have their own way of calculating a day's passing. It might be a mechanical contraption involving weights, or something as simple as the time it takes for a cistern to fill with water. This time will vary between tribes, but will be somewhere between 10 and 14 hours. Kobolds taken out of their natural setting have an arduous time adjusting to a 24 hour day. If you ask a kobold their age, they will inevitably tell you a number based on something they can calculate. For them the easiest and most notable "annual" event is the shedding of their skin. However, for an adult kobold this happens almost twice a year by our calendar, or once every 7 to 8 months. For a juvenile, this may happen every 3 to 4 months. For a hatchling as often as 5 to 6 weeks. Based on this system, a five-year-old will likely tell you their age is anywhere between 18 to 22, and a 22-year-old would say they are 50. The oldest kobold I have ever met, who claimed a ripe age of 116, by my calculations was probably no older than 70.
There is also a widespread belief that they lack intelligence. While this assertion is almost always followed with an admission that they are "clever", there is a clear bias against them. This is surprising to me if you take into account that by one year of age, the age when a human child is still crawling and spitting up on their mother, a kobold will have started to develop critical thinking, survival skills, and have a basic grasp on their language. A language that is a direct variation of the Draconic tongue, which even studied linguists often struggle with. At five years of age, they will be proficient in at least one trade and may have rudimentary knowledge of several common languages within their local area. They have an unmatched memory. If they were to meet 1,000 individuals only once, they could recall all of their names ten years later without difficulty. Furthermore, they are clean and industrious with a better grasp on the concept of sanitation than most other species. They devote a great deal of effort to managing sewage in their hives and separating this system from their drinking and bathing water. They even have specialists devoted to this task since their numbers put harsh demands on this system. They are so adept at this that it has become a common, though oft denied, practice for a growing city to hire kobolds to dig their irrigation and sewage systems. They are at least on par with any of the "higher" humanoids in terms of intellect.
They have long been spoken of as "cowardly". This is, of course, based upon the sensibilities of species many times their size and strength. For a kobold there are scarce engagements that would be declared as "a fair fight". They are keenly aware of their position in the hierarchy of intelligent species, and seek to even the odds as often as possible, whether through numbers, tactics, or outright avoidance. A kobold enjoys their life as much as any other and has no desire to throw it away for something so unworthy as personal pride. They are very pragmatic in most endeavors, so why would that preclude combat? Luring opponents into traps and ambushes increases their odds of success and reduces potential damage to the tribe. Disengaging when nothing can be gained by further combat is logical. That being said, they can display foolhardy courage in the face of certain destruction. If the tribe is threatened (or their dragon, where one is present) they will throw themselves against any foe to combat it directly if the situation demands it.
It is also said that they are exceptionally cruel. While they certainly can be cruel, I have seen no evidence that it goes beyond what other races deem acceptable. They engage in no more barbaric behavior than humans do, and certainly less than goblins do. Horrific acts will often be retaliation for a previous unconscionable act committed upon them. They certainly don't go out of their way to be unnecessarily brutal. There is an exception to this as they do have a special distaste for gnomes, but even that is mostly against those that intrude upon their territory. They don't commonly venture forth to hunt down gnomes merely to be vicious to them. Kobolds use cruelty as a deterrent against those who intend them harm, and let's be honest, that's almost everyone.
There are, of course, beliefs about kobolds that are demonstrably true. That they serve dragons is absolutely an undeniable fact and they seem to have a symbiotic (albeit, one-sided) relationship with their much larger kin. Their hives are typically created with the expectation that a dragon might take up residence, and designed to be inviting to that end (with the unfortunate effect that it makes them inviting for adventurers). Now it may not escape many that there remain very few dragons to go around, however, kobolds are not above creating one. On two occasions I have discovered dragon likenesses inside a kobold hive. One was a massive stone statue encrusted with gems, and the other was a gold-plated lattice sculpture. They treated these as if they were real, bringing them food and wealth to hoard. A casual observer might liken this behavior to a religion, and while kobold clerics do present it as such, the truth lies deeper than that. On a biological level, they MUST serve a dragon. Even eggs sold into servitude that hatch without any exposure to kobold teachings still insist on serving a dragon. Often declaring their master an honorary dragon in order to fill this need. This makes them incredibly devoted servants (providing a real dragon never appears before them). It also makes it quite difficult to break the spirit of a kobold through subjugation. They'll simply turn their oppressors into dragons and be content that the situation is as it should be. In truth, no master can be quite so terrible as an actual dragon, who steals all their wealth and regularly eats them.
There is an amusing axiom: As eager as a hatched kobold. If there is one thing that could sunder the heart of a kobold it would be related to their innate sexual permissiveness. If they are prevented from mating activities, deep depression will follow. Severe cases may cause death. Sex, for a kobold, as as important a part of their daily routine as eating, drinking, and sleeping. Slave kobolds who's reproductive capacity has been removed still regularly engage in the activity to maintain their overall health and emotional well-being. A kobold will perform mating activities long before they are physically capable of reproduction, their first clumsy attempts may occur within a few weeks of hatching. About the time they begin to exhibit a preference for bipedal mobility and start to speak their first words, they will begin experimenting. At three months it is a near certainty that they are no longer a virgin, even though females don't lay their first egg until the third or fourth year. After which time she will remain in a constant state of pregnancy for the rest of her life.
Kobolds have few taboos regarding mating. Adults and juveniles engaging with each other is not only tolerated, it is expected. Orgies are commonplace, usually right before or directly following sleep or religious activities. Oral and anal intercourse are frequently engaged in and homosexual acts are normal with both males and females. Although it is unusual for them to engage exclusively with the same sex. Those that do so may undergo a metamorphosis into the opposite sex, a natural reaction in cases of low ratio. They have a weak grasp on the concept of romance and practice little in the way of mate selection or courtship. Partners are chosen by convenience, even if those partners exhibit poor genetic paring. They have no qualms against mating a species other than their own, and even bestiality is acceptable. I have read that kobods can smell close relations, and while that is undoubtedly true, my observation has been that they freely engage in incest. Their unique physiology allows them to do this without any detrimental effect. The eggs produced in the female's duplex womb have a chance to be fertilized by EVERY male they engage with. Since there may well be dozens, or even hundreds, of suitors while the eggs are receptive, this means any dangerous traits will be suppressed and tribes tend to exhibit certain shared characteristics among individuals. It also means any egg hatched, regardless of a non-kobold interaction, will almost certainly be a kobold. Obvious hybrids only occur if the female is actively prevented from mating with other kobolds, or if females outside the species are impregnated. Although in a broad sense the entirety of the kobold race is likely to be hybrid on some level. Variations in their appearance suggest as much.
The only thing that would be regarded with disdain by them is monogamy. Everyone sharing everyone is an important part of their culture. Based on their biology, it is healthy for the whole of the species to do so. An individual may have a select number of preferred mates that they most frequently engage, but their frolicking will always stray outside that group. On occasion two close individuals may engage in a binding rite that bears a cursory resemblance to marriage, but sexual exclusivity is not a part of this bondage agreement. Typically such pairing is due to intellectual and spiritual stimulation between the two and not sexual compatibility.
Kobolds rarely, if ever, venture in forced carnal encounters. Certainly not due to any moral reasons, but when a willing partner is always within arm's reach, there's no need for it. What's more, they find the mating act exceedingly pleasant (both females and males experience multiple orgasms), and wouldn't even consider using it as a form of punishment or torture. What is gained pleasuring someone you're trying to hurt? Indeed their most severe form of punishment short of execution involves an absence of intercourse, and many kobolds would prefer the execution. Their reaction to being forced upon is one of confusion. Why would someone force them to do something they would be willing to do?
They are often regarded as fragile, but nothing could be further from the truth! Don't forget, this is a species that can subsist on eating dirt! Kobolds are incredibly hearty, able to withstand a great deal of abuse without complaint. Both males and females can "take" genitalia much larger than one would expect. This is not surprising since kobold males tend to be exceptionally endowed, putting species many times their size to shame. There are limits, of course. Something as large as an ogre would kill one of them attempting the penetrative act. However, I expect few reading this guide are quite so blessed. Kobolds also have a nonexistent occurrence of socially transmitted diseases. Their bodies seem to be poor incubators for non-magical infections and, unlike some other monsters, I've never been forced to visit a cleric for a cure disease spell after engaging with a kobold. That being said, if you are female and happen to be ovulating, mating a male kobold will impregnate you with near certainty. Their sperm is exceptionally tenacious. Unless your intention is to carry their offspring, protection is a must. Since the male genitalia often includes small spines or barbs, an alchemic contraceptive is preferable to a barrier form.
How do you tell a female from a male kobold? That can be rather vexing for someone unfamiliar with the species as both sexes dress similarly (if at all) and share duties equally. A kobold warrior has as much chance of being either sex as a hatchery nanny. Females do not have breasts. Males and females have an outwardly identical slit vent leading to their genitalia with an anal opening at the base of the tail. There are some key differences. The male testes are internal, but the bulge of them can be noted on both sides between the vent and anus. This can be quite pronounced. Males are usually leaner around the midsection and females tend to have a paunch since they are always carrying eggs. Female hips are normally slightly wider than males. Male horns are typically thicker than females and tend to be taller in stature. Of course, if all else fails, an attempt at seduction can usually arouse one fairly easily. If a penis emerges, it's a male.
A question for some might be: What sort of preparation is required for intimacy with a kobold? The answer is: Very little. While a kobold will greatly appreciate any efforts at foreplay, it isn't necessary. The span of time between calm and in-the-mood can be as short as a few seconds. Females and males both self-lubricate. Not only their genitalia but their rectum as well. What's more, unlike with most other species, for the male this genital secretion isn't confined to the urethra. The entire organ will sweat lubrication, easing entry into any orifice. Kobold mating is a very drippy, messy affair. Another interesting note about the kobold penis is that no two are exactly alike. Their biology seems to have developed an "everything goes" approach to successful copulation. Pointy glans, round glans, flared glans, barbs, nodules, ridges, knots, corkscrew shaped, and even double penises are possible. It's likely they've picked up these variation from other species they've mated with. Size varies greatly, but tends along the average size that one would expect for a human or dwarf, with a slight advantage to the kobold.
Females are just as interesting. As stated before, they have a duplex womb. A minor (upper) uterus and a major (lower) uterus. The vaginal canal extends behind and past both wombs and fertilization enters through the upper portion of the minor uterus. This gives them an uncommonly deep orifice in comparison to their body size. Eggs first develop and are fertilized the minor uterus, which may happen hundreds of times depending on how long an egg remains and up to a dozen are prepared at a time. Once fertilized, one (or on rare occasions, two) of these will move into the major uterus and start to grow. After approximately 14 days of growth, the female will birth the egg. There is a normally plugged pathway on the bottom of the major uterus that leads into the vaginal exit, giving it a shorter path to leave the body and preventing damage to the deeper portion of the vagina. The plug is expelled and the egg is pushed through this temporary opening. Immediately after laying, this opening forms a new mucus plug that quickly seals the passage and the next egg will enter the major uterus to start development. At this point, the female may engage in dirt consumption even in the presence of abundant food, suggesting it plays a role in egg development. Egg laying is something that females normally do quite easily, usually only taking a few minutes from the time they feel the need and the actual laying of the egg. Afterward enduring a time of minor tenderness, cramping and an uncharacteristic aversion to sexual contact as a side effect, but otherwise able to continue their day without interruption. However, for a young female laying her first egg, this can be the most painful and dangerous period of her life. Since kobold eggs are quite large and the birthing path from the major uterus most be torn open the first time, it can take several hours to make the adjustment. Complications can arise that could prove fatal for either the mother or the egg. Suffocation of the egg and blood loss for the mother being the likely culprits. Thankfully for them, after the first one is successfully passed the birthing process eases greatly. Interestingly, while kobolds normally have little attachment to their eggs, giving them up to the tribal hatchery at the first opportunity, this is not so with the first one. Possibly due to the difficult nature of the delivery, or the uniqueness of the event, young kobold females usually keep this egg close and jealously guard it, sometimes for as much as a week, before being convinced to give it up. Due to their inexperience, this can be quite detrimental for the egg, but the behavior is often tolerated as a phase.
Aside from being able to pass a large egg regularly and contract back down to a pleasant mating girth in a few hours, the female genitalia has some other interesting traits. The clitoris is sizable, often pushing back the hood to extend past the vent when aroused, and may exhibit some variations in shape similar to the male's penile glans. For the uninitiated, this might appear to be the tip of a penis and cause some confusion. In some cases, a female may even have two clitorises. As an additional note of interest, males and females that who are exceptionally blessed with double organs are almost always clerics, in a similar way in which the rare kobolds with wings are sorcerers. The urethra and vaginal canal share the same exit instead of having individual exits as with many other species. The interior structure of the vagina is also as varied as the male's penis. The vaginal canal can be smooth, folded, spiny, lumpy, ribbed, noduled, feathery, zigzagged, spiraled, or a combination. Females orgasm easily and regularly during intercourse, eventually culminating in a "mating trance". During this trance a series of strong muscular contractions around the entrance clamp down on whatever is penetrating it, often accompanied by a great deal of squirting. A rough texture of tiny barbs around the entryway extends immediately, ensuring a secure grip. This vaginal clamp can be quite shocking to anyone first experiencing it as it is almost impossible to withdraw from without injury to both parties. Do not panic! This causes no harm and will disengage within a few minutes. While in the clamp you will notice the interior gyrations of the female will flow around like waves, encouraging additional insemination. It is exceptionally pleasurable. There is a similar, but barb-free gripping action in both female and male rectum. It should be noted that the male experiences a similar trance and their penis may also have an inverted ability to tie. An expanding knot akin to that of canines has been observed on some, but there are also widely flaring glans, and even extending barbs that lock them directly to the vaginal wall (or intestinal wall as the case might be).
The act itself may not last long enough for some to reach completion. Kobold treat sex like most things and strive for efficiency, as a result they do it with a rambunctious frenzy with females showing a preference for being on top. Five to ten minutes is what can normally be expected, even if you take into account the time spent in the mating trance. A female will be extremely displeased with any male that doesn't ejaculate, feeling they've been cheated. It is likely she won't engage a second time. Males are less picky about their mates coming to completion but still exhibit a predilection for it.
The act is followed by cleansing. Cleaning off themselves and each other with a tongue bath. Kobolds lose a great deal of fluid during the act and attempt to recover as much as possible. They expect their mates to do the same. Afterward, you will notice that the scent of their pheromones will cling to you even after repeated bathing. I have never found it to be an unpleasant smell, a light, sweet musk with a somewhat floral highlight, but it can be both a detriment and a blessing. A blessing in that subsequent encounters with kobolds will surely be amicable once you smell of willingness, and a detriment in that many species that prey upon them may target you in confusion. Also, any gnomes you meet will likely greet you with hostility if you smell like a randy kobold.
As a side note, the presence of kobolds in an aria guarantees that there is a large supply of water nearby, even in an arid environment such as a desert. They would only occupy that place if there was an aquifer they could exploit to meet their high water demands to replenish fluids lost during mating. A fact that saved my life once.
I expect having read this far you may have already gleaned that seducing a kobold is not much of a challenge. You would be correct in assuming that a straightforward approach will likely get the desired result. A wizard with all the charisma of a door knocker has a fair chance at success when making a genuine attempt. I've often seen kobolds in the midst of a heated battle convinced to engage instead in physical congress. They are quite susceptible to flattery, especially if such charm is targeted at their shared heritage with the dragon, as it is not something that they experience often from species that look down upon them. Even if they are unable to communicate with you due to language barriers, they are adept at picking up cues concerning mating desires. Whether from something as subtle as the tone of your voice or something as blatant as dropping your pants. Look for bright, curious expressions, high raised ears, and most importantly, tail wagging. Especially if the tail wags enough to cause their body to sway (the kobold wiggle).
So why have I spent so much time discussing them? Simply put, this is where you should start honing your technique. Kobolds are plentiful, willing, and give you familiarity interacting with a species different from your own. You can gain confidence and experience with the least amount of danger to your person, and they won't be overly judgmental about your lack of skills. What's more, when encountering a kobold in a location you are unfamiliar with, they can be an invaluable source of intelligence. A successfully mated kobold is a chatty kobold. Once relaxed in your presence they are easily pressed for information, providing they don't suspect divulging such knowledge will endanger the tribe, or worse, their dragon. They might also be convinced to aid you on whatever mission you happen to be on if they believe it to be profitable to do so. I rarely kill kobolds since they are of much more use, and so much more entertainment, alive.
Of course, there is a downside. Engaging kobolds may convince you that you have more talent than you actually do. More than once I have witnessed someone who, having gained so much hubris conquering kobolds, attempted a challenge beyond their abilities. This inevitably leads to a humbling experience (or worse).
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