>Hell yeah. >Today is the day. >With your paycheck cashed, you stroll into the wireless store to pick up the new cell. >Apparently, it's the fastest, most high-tech and user friendly phone to hit the market, ever. >Normally, a cell phone wouldn't be something you'd get so excited over, but things have been pretty dull lately. >And with the way your friend hyped it constantly, it might as well be the phone to end all phones. >Of course, he does have a tendancy to dive into techno-babble which you're quick to tune out. >So, you don't really know why this phone is such hot shit. >"Hey, Anon!" he calls out at you from behind the counter. >As you walk over, he grabs a box from under the counter. >It's pretty big for a cell phone box. >"Here's your device. I managed to get everything pre-configured, mostly. That-" "Why is it so big? >"Huh?" "I know I'm paying for about twenty phones, but I didn't think you were actually going to give me that many." >He stares for a moment, then cracks a smile at your dumb joke. >"Nah, I thought I told you. The AI is in the box, too. You just need to activate it when you get the chance." "The AI? Uh..." >Can't let him know you were totally ignoring half of his techno-lectures "Oh yeah! How could I forget about the AI, really." >You pay approximately an arm and a leg for the device and head home. "Damn, I hope this is worth it." >You walk into the living room, carrying your big box of intrigue, and take a seat on the couch. >No time is wasted in tearing off the top of the box, throwing the cardboard onto a small coffee table nearby. >You'd clean it up later. >A cardboard insert is there, with the phone inside. >You tear the plastic off the phone. It's fairly nondescript. Looks just like every other smartphone you see around these days. >How disappointing. >You turn on the phone, only to be greeted with a bit of white text. >"Thank you for choosing Android, version 6. Please activate AI to complete setup." "Gah, what the hell is an AI? So much for it being simple." >You remove the plastic insert from the box to find a large, metallic orb underneath. >The packaging reads, "Ensure five sq feet of space, then press button to activate AI." >Confused as fuck, you remove the orb, place it in the center of the small living room, and press the button. >Two halves of the orb separate, and it emits a bright light. >You sheild your eyes for a moment. When you finally allow yourself to see, well... >Surely, you've gone insane. >Before you stands a pony, straight out of that My Little Pony show you were enamored with a couple years back. >It looks to be a male, a little under half your height. It's got a medium-length, somewhat unkempt blue mane, and a dark coat >"Hello, user. Setup is complete, and your device is now ready for use." >He was smiling at first, but after seeing the look on your face, he's giving you more of a blank stare. >You stare back, right into those bright green eyes that have no place in sane reality. >After what seems like a whole minute of staring, you stand up, and slowly creep toward him. >"Um... User? Are you ok?" >Poke. >"Hey, what was that for?" >You just poke him in the head a few more times. >"I think you'll find that the phone itself has a much better touch-screen interface than I do." >You step back. He gives you an annoyed look. "You're... real." >"Of course I am real. I am the physical manifestation of your phone's software." "So, you're my phone?" >"No, that is your phone." >He points to the device on your couch >"I am your AI, a conscious software interface here to provide the best user experience." "Wait, conscious? So you're like, a real living, thinking, feeling being that I just bought at the wireless store?" >"Yes." "Holy shit... Well, I guess that explains why it was so expensive." >"Yes, the technology used to create real AIs like myself is far from cheap." "Wait. If you're made by Google or whoever, then why are you a pony? Do all AIs look like ponies?" >"No. This skin was pre-loaded onto the device. You may choose another, if you like." "Um.. no. This one is fine." >You walk back to the couch and sit down. >The AI just sits on the floor, idly flicks his tail, and looks around the room. "So what do you do, anyway?" >"Well I'm your phone's interface, so I can do anything that it can do. I guess if you needed me to do more mundane tasks, I could do those as well." >You just stare at him some more. You were surely not getting used to having a talking pony around the house any time soon. "Okay." >More of that blank stare. "You're sure I'm not going insane, right?" >"I don't know. I could download a medical app and run through a list of symptoms." "Eh, on second thought, don't worry about it. Can you download my music to the new device, instead?" >"Sure thing, User." "Call me Anon." >"Alright." >He walks over to the computer and gets to work. He taps it to get a connection, guess he's compatible with that NFC shit everything comes with nowadays. >Your new phone lights up. A little dialogue appears on the screen with a progress bar that reads 'Downloading Music.' "Sweet. So, what should I call you?" >"You have not assigned me a name yet, Anon." "Alright, then. I'll call you Andy, short for Android, of course." >You allow yourself a moment to bask in your cleverness. >"Alright." "So, assuming I'm not actually going insane, and you are totally real. Why aren't there more of you around?" >"What do you mean?" "Well I've never met an AI until today. You'd think this kind of thing would be more popular, right?" >"Oh. Well, from what I understand, the technology is very new, experimental, and expensive. Most consider it frivolous." "I guess that makes sense." >"Is there anything else you need me to do?" "Nah, not really. I was just gonna watch TV. Wanna have a seat?" >You motion to the seat on the couch next to you >Andy gives you a surprised look for a second, then moves to the couch to sit down. >"I can interface with the TV and pull up Netflix or Hulu if you'd like." "Ha! Hulu... Funny joke. Yeah, go ahead and pull up Netflix." >A movie and a few episodes of MLP later, he's sprawled out on the other side of the couch, his head sideways on the armrest as if it was a pillow. >Damn, he's actually pretty cute. >No, penis, I cannot allow you to give the term 'phone sex' a whole new meaning. >God dammit. >The credits are about to roll, but the screen cuts to black. >Looks like Andy fell asleep. >You're pretty tired, yourself. >You get up and grab a spare blanket for him. >As you lay the blanket over his sleeping form, you begin to wonder how 'real' he actually is. >Clearly, he sleeps... You hope that isn't just a sign that he's low on battery or something. >You chuckle to yourself as you briefly consider where the charging port might be >You give in to curiosity and lift his tail. >Well, that sure as hell isn't a micro-USB port. >It is, in fact, an anus. >You swiftly let go of his tail and cover the rest of him up with the blanket. >Guess he's as real as it gets. You decide that you should make some extra pancakes in the morning, considering that he hasn't had anything to eat since he was brought into this world. >You run your hand through his mane and scratch behind his ear a little, just to check and see if he was made of metal or something. >Yeah, that's why. >He's actually very soft, and warm. >Responding to your touch, he shifts a little in his sleep and bats the air with a hoof. >Okay, it wasn't THAT cute. >Who are you kidding, he's cuter than a kitten orgy. "Goodnight, Andy." >You turn off the light and head to your own bed to sleep. >"We're up all night to get lucky..." >"We're up all night to get lucky..." >"We're up all night to get lucky..." >You awake to find Andy at the foot of your bed. >His mouth is open. Seems he's playing one of the songs off that Daft Punk album that came out a few years ago. >Guess your alarms were imported as well. >Heh, he looks like that alien from the Disney movie that could play the Elvis records. >You yawn and stretch your limbs, then hop out of bed. "Morning, Andy." >You should probably be a little more modest in front of your AI, you realize. His presence has not impacted the strict 'boxers-only' sleeping rule in the slightest. >Well, he's totally not checking you out, or anything. His eyes are just wandering because he's, uh... scanning you. Or something. >Yeah, that's gotta be it. >You're sure you didn't see him blush just now. >"Um.. good morning, Anon. The time is ten thirty, and the date is Saturday, April twentieth." "The twentieth? Damn, we're gonna be busy today." >"Busy? My configuration states that you only work on the weekdays." >He says this as you slip on some jeans and a tee shirt. >He's sharp. Guess Jim wasn't lying when he said he gave the 'device' a thorough configuration. "Er, not that kind of busy. Today is a holidy, and since my friends our a bunch of moochers, we'll be supplying the 'party favors.' >You walk past Andy and into the kitchen. He follows. >"Really? I didn't know that today was a holiday. Let me do a search." >His eyes glaze over for a bit, he then fixes you with what is becoming his signature blank stare. >"We're going to buy drugs, aren't we?" "Right you are! But we'll need to fuel up first. You hungry?" >His face lights up. >"I thought you'd never ask!" >Andy straight-up demolishes his pancakes and half of yours. >Being an AI must be hard work. >You were never very hungry in the morning, anyway. "Alright, Andy. Time to get to work. Would you call Jayqwan for me?" >"Sure." >He opens his mouth like he did while the music was playing, only this time you are met with the phone ringing. >"Yo greenboy I got u on dat screamin fo da 4/20 shit on a Q dats a buck." "Alright. I'll be there in ten." >"Holla at me." >What the fuck does that even mean. >Andy closes his mouth as the call ends. >He looks as about as confused as you were the day you first met that particular 'connection.' "Don't ask. I don't really know, either." >You wash up, gear up, and hop in the car with Andy in the passenger seat. >He awkwardly stares at the seat belt. "Don't worry. There's probably no seat belt law for AIs." >"Fair enough." >Ten minutes later, you are parked outside of the drug dealer's house. "Would you send Jayqwan a text saying that I'm here?" >"Alright, sent." >You could get used to this. >I mean, really, who in their right mind can be bothered to take their phone out of their pocket to type a text message? >American laziness truly knows no bounds. >"So... do you, uh, 'smoke weed' often?" >Andy tries to make small conversation. >Who can blame him? There are few things in this world more boring than waiting on drugs. "Well, not really. I certainly did when I was a teenager, but the novelty fades quickly." >Andy puts a hoof over his mouth, trying to hide a giggle. >"Heh, you didn't strike me as the rebellious type." >Just then, Jayqwan finally decides to stroll out of his house. >He's giving Andy a weird stare as he walks up to the passenger side window. >You guess he isn't used to seeing AIs roll up with his usual customers. >"Shit, nigga... I am trippin balls. Is that a pony?" >Andy grabs the bag of smelly weed from Jayqwan's hand with his mouth. >The look on Jayqwan's face is priceless. >You slip him the hundred dollar bill and drive off without a word. >Andy puts the weed into the glove box and finally allows himself to burst into laughter. >You laugh along with him. >Later... >The room is clouded with smoke. >Your mind is clouded with drugs. >OK, not too clouded. You can hold your shit. >You, and a few of your friends are sitting in circular 'rotation' on the floor of Jim's basement. >Thank God he got off his ass and cleaned the place up, for once. >The residual smoke in the room had since gotten to Andy, and he fell asleep with his head on your lap. >[D'awww Internally] >You idly stroke his mane and scratch his ears as you make small-talk with your equally stoned friends. >"So, how's life with the new AI? It seems like the pre-activation configuration I did worked as well as can be hoped." >Yeah, Jim. We all know you're hot shit when it comes to the tech. "Yeah, man. It's all good, just one question." >"Shoot." "Did you have to make him so fucking sexy?" >Your friends have a laugh at this. >"Man, sometimes I think I know you a little too well, Anon." >"But seriously, are you telling me that you haven't given him the dick yet?" "Well that wouldn't be very classy, I should at least buy him dinner first." >"God damn, you can be such a fucking pansy sometimes, Anon," another one of your friends blurts out. "Yeah, yeah. I'll get right on that." >Even later... >Back at your house. >You were going to carry Andy over to the couch to sleep, but he woke up on the ride back. >You go to your bed to sleep, anyway, figuring he would crash on the couch again. >You hear your door creak open. >"Anon?" "Yeah, Andy?" >"I can't sleep." "Why?" >"I need to know something," he says as he walks over to the side of your bed. >Now his face is less than a foot from yours. >"Do you... really think I'm sexy?" >Fuck, guess he wasn't as asleep as you thought. "Um, yeah. I guess I do." >He climbs onto the bed, then on top of you. >His raging erection is clearly visible. >"Then will you, um... give me the dick?"